snarkytainment

Idol Recap :: Hee Haw Ho Hum

2011-05-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

Somehow, after an exciting multi-cultural, multi-faceted start to this season, we end up with a finale that's something akin to Hee-Haw for tweens. It's dueling country-whitebread young'uns Scotty and Lauren in the finale. The closest I've come to watching anything remotely Country Music related was the time Loretta Lynn visited Hazzard County and sang, "Y'all Come". And since the judges can barely be bothered to judge this week, this will be a much-abridged recappery.

Scotty McCreery: Montgomery Gentry’s “Gone”
Scotty McCreery: George Strait’s “Check Yes or No”
Scotty McCreery: “I Love You This Big”

Scotty still sings country like a 1970s K-Tel record, and makes weird googly-eyes at us.

Lauren Alaina: Carrie Underwood’s “Flat on the Floor”
Lauren Alaina: Pam Tillis’ “Maybe It Was Memphis”
Lauren Alaina: “Like My Mother Does”

Lauren emerges as a Lil' Carrie Underwood tonight – she still sings pretty and has an unnerving penchant for sequins.

And, Randy tells us they are "both in it to win it." As opposed to, I dunno, just showing up and shrugging.

So who's gonna slay this red-state showdown? I'd say it's Scotty's to lose. Baby, shut them doors and turn them lights down low….

Idol Recap :: Destiny Mild

2011-05-19T07:14:00.000-07:00

In last week's last page shocker, James Durbin was eliminated. That's what Show gets when it tries to manipulate votes by overly hating on Haley, tipping the cosmic vote balance off James' favor.

Tonight, round 1 is contestant's choice, round 2 is ProducerJimmy's call, and round 3 is up to the Judges. Also, Beyonce is guest mentoring, and she looks just like Lily Hollister.

Scotty McCreery: Lonestar’s “Amazed”

Scotty saunters around the stage without a care on him, tossing the song off all nonchalant-like. It all builds to the last note, which is more mid-range than Scooty's usually bullfrog low register. The Judges liked it despite Randy noting some "pitchy problems."

Back from commercial, Ryan is amid the mosh pit of estrogen…. And of note, are two heavy-set blonds. No doubt some legal advice after Show (allegedly) booted the girls with big booties. See? Fat bottom girls do make their rockin' world go round. Which is about as believable as Puck crushing on Lauren Zizes.

Lauren Alaina: Faith Hill’s “Wild One”

Lauren's narrative this season is "beating back her nerves." And, enough already. If I were Lauren, I'd be more concerned with my outfit, from the Goldie-Hawn-on-a-bender collection. Her performance is OK enough, if a lil' boring.

Haley Reinhart: Led Zeppelin’s “What Is and What Should Never Be”

Haley gives the classic LedZep tune a sorta sultry hungover vibe, and I mean that in a good way. And after 10 long seasons, we finally witness an Idoler tripping on stage. THANK YOU, Live TV! Coincidently, mentor Beyonce also hilariously fell on stage. When the cosmic stars align, they have a strange sense of humor. Randy calls it one of her best performances ever. Stephen notes, "It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up." And if that isn't the perfect metaphor for Haley's Idol journey, I don't know what is.

The Judges all name Haley as the winner of round 1, with Stephen noting that "she got her freak on." This causes consternation for Ryan, who tells us "my freak is out back, I'll use it later." Ryan is still waiting to grow hair in his special places.

Scotty McCreery: Thompson Square’s “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not”

Scotty singing Country. Need I explain anymore?

Lauren Alaina: The Band Perry’s “If I Die Young”

The stage hand is trying to cover up Lauren's panty hose run by applying "a little shimmer." To which Ryan replies, "I know all about that." We know you know, Ryan. Believe us… We know you know. As for the song… Lauren sings it pretty. That is all. The Judges would have us believe there is "magic" and "magesty" and "honesty" in this. Urm, ok.

Haley Reinhart: Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon”

Haley channels some Stevie Nicks with the help of a flowy skirt and wind machines. Looking very much a witchy woman, she does the Fleetwood Mac song proud.

Judges divided on who took round 2: Stephen sez Lauren, while the other two morons chant, "Scotty, Scotty, Scotty." And Ryan is offstage chanting "Scotty The Body, Scotty The Body..." And still, no one is biting.

Scotty McCreery: Kenny Rogers’ “She Believes in Me”

Scotty rocks the serious stool, which is his best look. He actually gives the song a nice, somber quality. And no weird eyes. One of his better performances.

Lauren Alaina: Lee Ann Womack’s “I Hope You Dance”

Lauren looks like she either raided Tonya Harding's closet, or she's about to film Blades Of Glory II: Electric Boogaloo. But whatevs. She sings pretty again.

Haley Reinhart: Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know”

Once again, Show minces the lyrics so the scandalous whore of the song dares to "go out with you to a theater." Because sluts love cineplexes, presumably. It's probably Haley's weakest performance of the night; It's a bit shaky in the beginning and manages to be a'ight around the edges.

So who's gong home? I'm guessing Haley will be the single lady out.

Idol Recap :: "All I Hear Is Radio Gaga"

2011-05-19T07:11:00.000-07:00

Two round this week: “Songs That Inspire You” and then the “Leiber & Stoller Songbook” round. Also, guest-mentored by Lady Gaga. This show is nothing if not random.

James Durbin: Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”
For inspiration, James sings the GLEErific “Don’t Stop Believin’”. As if he needed to sway Randy any further, he's also wearing a Journey t-shirt. The performance is actually by-the-numbers and even flat in spots. The Judges love it anyway.

Haley Reinhart: Michael Jackson’s “Earth Song”
Haley breathily sings "Earth Song," but I feel the airy tune could be a bad song choice. Despite the cloud-walking back-up singers from The Matrix, it's rather "meh", until Haley brings out her trademark grrrowl. The Judges hate on it, because they don't want Haley in the finals. Randy accuses her of "screaming it," and Haley rightfully defends herself. And then Stephen calls Randy on his douchebaggery, and says, "don't listen to him." We stop listening to him four seasons ago, Tyler.

Scotty McCreery: Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)”
Ryan interviews "Scotty the Body." Note to Ryan: You are the only one who calls him that. Scotty rocks the "serious stool" for “Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)”, returning to his K-Tel Country roots. And in case he's in any jeopardy, Scotty plays the Jesus-America card. The Judges thought it was "beautiful" and that Scotty is "ready for superstardom." I am ready for my barf bag.

Lauren Alaina: Martina McBride’s “Anyway”
Lauren's “Anyway” is like a red velvet cupcake, It's pretty and smooth, but lacking in substance. Great vocals though, as The Judges agree.

I love when Ryan asks Randy "who won round one?" and he answers, "I think it's a tie between Scotty, James and Lauren," leaving Haley sitting there like the nerd girl from and 80s movie that no one asked to prom. With that, Haley laughs a small laugh, that translates into, "Randy Jackson is a Giant Penis." I laugh with you, Haley.

Lady Gaga enters, speaking seriously about the "kids". And I can't take her seriously while she's dressed by like Cruella de Vil's crackhead sister.

Haley Reinhart: Shirley Bassey’s “I (Who Have Nothing)”
Lady Gaga wants Haley to add some boiled rabbit to her performance stew – a little dramatic craziness. Haley definitely brings some passion and energy to this one. The Judges like this a lot more, and actually give Haley some props.

Scotty McCreery: The Coasters’ “Young Blood”
Lady Gaga wants Scotty to make love to the microphone. Gaga, (if I may call you "Gaga"), I think he's been going steady with that instrument all season. The performance is another Scotty novelty act. With the weird eyes, head snapping and faux-attitude. It's sort of a tossed-off performance, all in all. The Judges loved "the humor." If that what they see as humor, I'm guessing they were the ones who watched 8 excrutiating seasons of "According To Jim"?

Lauren Alaina: Elvis Presley’s “Trouble”
Lauren is afraid to sing the lyric, "because I'm evil." She's afraid America will think she's evil. In related news, Lauren is an idiot. Lauren's "Trouble" is a lively, fun performance, overall. The Judges seemed to have liked the fun side of Lauren.

James Durbin: The Clovers’ “Love Potion No. 9″
James gives the hypnotic “Love Potion No. 9″ a rather unnecessary hair-metal makeover. This is something Winger might have considered circa 1989, until clearer heads prevailed. It's indulgent, silly and screechy. Of course, The Judges love it.

So who's going home? I'd say the votes won't go gaga for Haley.

Idol Recap :: Past and Present Tense

2011-05-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

It's "Now & Then" Night. With a contemporary song, then a song from the 60s. And Sheryl Crow is the guest mentor, in case you cared. Meanwhile, The Voice continues to bark at Idol's aging heels.

Steven Tyler Fashion Look of the Week:
Lady In Red

James Durbin’s “Closer to the Edge”
James Durbin’s “Without You”

For his first song, "Closer to the Edge," James rocks the stage like a Billy Idol impersonator, only lacking the subtly of songs like "Rock The Cradle of Love." There's flashing lights and screeching, like we are at the James Durbin reunion tour, where gassy has-beens try to retrieve lost glory. It's uneven and off-key in spots. But if even yearned to see James' underarm hair, here it is. The judges love it anyway.

Next, James sings the Idol fav, "Without You," and breaks down thinking about his family while singing. Camera gives us the close-up of his tearing up eyes. More Show audience manipulation? Probably. The Judges praise the "emotional perfect" nature of the song. Because we don't judge the the actual singing? In a display of audacious transparency, Randy declares the competition is "his to lose." Yeah, Randy, we know.

Jacob Lusk’s “No Air”
Jacob Lusk’s “Love Hurts”

Jacob has raided the Dalton Academy closets again, no doubt searching in vain for Blaine Anderson. Jacob sings "No Air" like Kermit the Frog's sassy gay cousin. It's rather terrible and even the back-up singers look uncomfortable. The judges mildly hate on it, as Randy doesn't seem him as a Chris Brown or Jordan Sparks. But merge them both together, and Jacob falls in that genetic ballpark, yes?

Next, it's "Love Hurts." ProducerJimmy is still trying to get Jacob to turn down the Joan Collins. Sheryl Crow shows him how to sing the song gently and tenderly, which he will summarily ignore in about 45 seconds. Despite the giant harp on the stage that says "turn down the drama, bitch," Jacob is squatting, screeching and wailing. The gentle yearning of this song is completely lost, as the song ends with a wail that sounded something like "waaaaaaaah."

Lauren Alaina’s “Flat on the Floor”
Lauren Alaina’s “Unchained Melody”

Lauren can wear sassy western-inspired outfits and strut around in 3 inches like Tuesday, but she still ain't no Carrie Underwood. After singing "Flat on the Floor", according to the judges, Lauren is "in it" and "rising to the top" and…. Um, do the judges comments mean a flipping thing anymore?

Lauren later sings "Unchained Melody" with the technical proficiency of a beauty pageant contestant. It's very pretty, and very boring.

Scotty McCreery’s “Gone”
Scotty McCreery’s “Always on My Mind”

Ryan still insists on calling him "Scotty the Body." Restraining orders much? Anyhoo, Show has created a Howdy-Doody-meets-Eminem monster with this one… strutting around stage, the rap self-hug, and the eyebrows a'blazin' while singing "Gone." The Judges are all bout this, with Randy chanting his "in it to win it" mantra once again. Which, is beyond meaningless at this point, make us nostalgic for a old-fashioned "you killed it, dawg."

ProducerJimmy gives Scotty mindbending advice which translates into "stay in your box but don't be boring." Scotty sings "Always On My Mind" on the serious stool. It's slowed down and real, yo. And Scotty is much easier to take when he's stationary and not making weird faces. Scotty actually made two good song choices to show his range, and he's almost guaranteed in the finale at this point. And in case he isn't, let's give his adorable grandmother the microphone to say, "He's my Scotty."

Haley Reinhart’s “You and I”
Haley Reinhart’s “The House of the Rising Sun”

Haley wanted to get Lady Gaga's blessing to sing her song unreleased song, "You and I." It's a good thing her name isn't Weird Al, because she'd be totally denied. And then not. Haley's got long pants, supporting my theory of "the better she gets, he more clothes she wears." Haley has really become the little Kris Allen who could this season, surviving lukewarm reviews and support while improving each and every week. So it makes it all the most disappointing that the Judges kinda hate on it. And, all because they want that James-Scotty finale, so the Haley sabotage must begin this week.

For her second song, Haley sings "House of the Rising Sun" will a soulful, raspy, bluesy edge. It's something you might see at The House of Blues. Starts slow on the smoky stool, and then gets all sexy, and then we hit some power notes. Ka-blam. It's easily the most interesting and creative performance of the night. Randy declares it "the best performance of the night" and the other judges co-sign this.

So who's going home? I'm guessing Jacob is heading back to Dalton Academy.

Idol Recap :: It's Good To Be King

2011-04-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

In the last seven days, The Voice has swiveled its way into America's hearts (watch out, Idol!). Meanwhile, Jlo is leaving her AMERICAN IDOL future up to God. Hey God, nevermind about Japan. JLo needs career guidance. And oh, Stefano and his swag exited stage left.

This week, it's the songs of Carole King, "one of the most revered singer-songwriters in pop music history." Word.

Steven Tyler Fashion Look of the Week:
Judy Jetson's Prom Date

Our guest co-mentor tonight is Babyface. You remember Babyface, right?

He unleashed David Silver's pathetic white-boy rap on fictional Beverly Hills, allowing him to play keyboard. Hyped up on fame, David "got his silver on" in the back of a limo with some skank -- only to be found in his post-coital sweat puddle by virgin girlfriend Donna Martin. (Who, attended her own graduation due to the unforgettable chant heard 'round 1993.) An the lesson is: Stop watching Beverly Hills 90210 reruns.

Jacob Lusk "Oh No, Not My Baby"
Jacob is dressed like gay Jimmy Olsen car salesman. His performance is less weepy, and much more sassy this week. I, for one, am glad to see Jacob not on the verge of musical drama tears. The Judges found some notes sharp, but they liked the energy and the shaking of the tail feather.

Lauren Alaina “Where You Lead”
At her practice session, Lauren meets Miley Cyrus, who she regards as a big star. So, we know Lauren's a tool. Lauren pulls up random teenage boy to sing to, like a low rent Dancing In The Dark video. The Judges like the "more confident" Lauren, especially since Show engineered it.

Observation: Why does Randy's sweater look like Riverdale High merged with Hogwarts?

Casey Abrams and Haley Reinhart: “I Feel the Earth Move”
Because Show wants to hurt me, we also have duets tonight. Here's real life couple Casey and Haley. I hear serial-killer-eyes Casey is shopping for Haley's human flesh suit. Awww. Their interplay is actually kinda fun, with Haley edging out Casey in the vocals department.

Scotty McCreery: “You’ve Got a Friend”
Scotty starts out on the solemn stairs, in a slowed down version of the song. The billowing smoke whispers, "Take him seriously, bitches." It's his least-countrified performance to date, aided and abetted by a very nice arrangement from the band. I'm not a Scotty fan, but this is actually pretty good, I'm loathe to admit. The Judges like the "tender moment."

James Durbin: “Will You Love Me Tomorrow”
Everyone is starting dark, solemn and slow tonight. That's code for "serious artist" on this show. It's actually a nice, stripped down performance, with no flaming pianos or smoke machines. And no screeching. Honestly, if James was like this every week, I might be a fan. The Judges found it "magical" and "incredible." With Randy announcing "this guy might win the whole thing!" Yes, Randy, apparently you were awake at this week's producers meeting.

Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery: “Up on the Roof”
Another song with solemn-slow dark start. Next time I sing karaoke, I'm totally gonna rock that. It's kind of a sweet, small performance. Good, but nothing earth-shattering.

Casey Abrams: “Hi-De-Ho That Old Sweet Roll”
Casey has a janunty hat. Surely that means he's a quirky-cool hipster, yes? His performance is a sort of jazz-bluesy episode of Kids Incorporacted. It's somewhat entertaining, but not sure it does much to show off Casey's vocals. The Judges still liked the uniqueness that is Casey.

Haley Reinhart: “Beautiful”
Haley definitely gets the "most improved" award this season, getting more dependable each passing week. And has her talent increases, her hemlines get longer. Coincidence? I think not. Anyhoo, this is a solid performance.

Jacob Lusk and James Durbin: “I’m Into Something Good”
This pair starts on the solemn stairs, but Jacob is tapping oh-so-peppy. James is sporting his best Warblers jacket, as the two of them pretty effortlessly nail this song.

So who's going home? I'm guessing Jacob has shaken his last tail feather.

Idol Recap :: The Mod-nificent Seven

2011-04-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

Remember 100 years ago when this show was only an hour? God, I miss those days. This week's theme is "Songs of the 21st Century." Because this show is so edgy and modern, we're gettings songs from 2002 and 2005 tonight.

But first, a song from the Idol cast-offs whose names we've already forgotten. There's Rasta-Girl, Disney Princess, Spanglish, Mr. Furley, and The Rest. Just like the "Gilligan's Island" theme, I can't be bothered to utter those last two names. It's all one big hot mess. Like TheBayville Sirens on crack.

Steven Tyler Fashion Look of the Week:

Woodstock Slut

As added "entertainment" tonight, the remaining Idols weighs in on each other.

Scotty McCreery :: "Swingin'"
Everyone makes fun of the way Scotty caresses the microphone like a a gentle lover. Scotty's performance is a little flat. Not since Warrant's "Cherry Pie," have lyrics been so transparent. But from Scotty, it's like Howdy Doody singing "I Want Your Sex." The Judges wanted to see more from Scotty, and Randy even found it "safe" and "boring."

James Durbin :: "Uprising"
Everyone makes fun of James' cheesy-poseur rocker scarves. And just then, Steven Tyler cries a little inside. James is singing "Uprising" by Muse, which is an awesome song. ProducerJimmy thinks this will help James break out of his Heavy Metal poseur shell. James rocks in the stage in some post-Apocalyptic Sgt. Pepper jacket - accompanied by crazy lights and a marching band. Now he's holding a staff and screeching at me. Why does this man screech at me every week? Compared to this incomprenhisble theater of the absurd, "Vanilla Sky" was linear storytelling.

Bleh. Not sure why James gets these full concert treatments every week. Well, actually, I know why. Show wants him in the finale, if not the win. The Judges all love. Are we surprised? We are not.

Haley Reinhart :: "Rolling In The Deep"
Haley rocks some Adele, which is a tall order for her range. Despite her Lucy Ricardo dress, Haley does the song some justice. It's solid, although not blow-me-away crazy.

Jacob Lusk :: "Dance With My Father"
Everyone says Jacob is a diva, and mock his "ya-ya-ya" runs that last til Thursday. Jacob's father died when he was twelve, so he's singing "Dance With My Father." Because if his performances have lacked one thing, it's drama! So, ok, it's actually a pretty understated performance. As always, vocally solid. How can I hate on him when this is dedicated to his departed daddy? Damn you, Lusk! The Judges thought it was beautiful and emotional.

Casey Abrams :: "Harder To Breathe"
Everyone thinks Casey is weird. Like, Joaquin Phoenix weird. Like, Randy Quaid weird. What, a guy can't have serial killer eyes? Casey switches up the arrangement of this Maroon 5 tune, breaks out the guitar, and flirts with the estrogen mosh pit. The performance is almost good-ish. But like Casey himself, his performances amount to an unsettling melange. He ends it by creeping up to Jlo's face and planting a kiss on her. The Judges plotz! What will Casey do next? Wacka-wacka-wacka! Essentially, Casey has become a novelty act. Here's two songs away from becoming Norman Gentle.

Ryan comes out on stage with a Casey beard, because Ryan is no stranger to beards, if you know what I mean. Casey encourages him to kiss Jlo too, but Ryan fears the harsh sting of cooties.

Stefano Langone :: "Closer"
Stefano is singing the song like the 6th Backstreet Boy, and ProducerJimmy wants less pleading and more strutting. And yup, Stefano struts the stage with a smattering of camera rape to boot. Randy and Steven liked it, while Jlo thought he "really had his swag going on." Jlo, I believe the American Idol lawyers warned you to stop staring at Stefano's "swag."

Lauren Alaina :: "Born To Fly"
Lauren's rocking the Country hard this week, and she does a great job overall. The Judges think Lauren should have more confidence, because she has the talent to win this whole thing. That Show-code for, "we really want Lauren in the finale."

So who's going home tonight? I'm guessing Stefano and his "swag" have seen their last.

Idol Recap :: Hurls On Film

2011-04-13T20:47:00.000-07:00

Last week, the living skeleton known as Iggy Pop writhed his mummified torso on stage, while Pia Toscano was shockingly eliminated. Yes, Pia. Stefano carried a horrified look of survivor's guilt as he slunk back to the winners' chairs.

Shocking? Not so much, given the fact that the pitch-perfect balladier never showed much of a personality on stage. And the producers even admit she never was a frontrunner.

Also not frontrunners? "Fatties." In attempts to fill the estrogen mosh pit of Aryan goodness in the audience, a young woman was allegedly told, "Oh no, you’re just too big, too heavy to be in front!” And suddenly, the American Idol audience has turned into Gattaca. Bring your papers to prove your genetic perfection... otherwise, it's the balcony of uggos, bitches.

Tonight, its' "Songs from the Movies." And the Show's gift to us: no one sings that bad Aerosmith song from the horrible meteor-of-doom flick.

Steven Tyler Fashion Look of the Week:

Norma Desmond's Silk Collection

Paul McDonald :: "Old Time Rock n Roll"
Is there a Mr. Furley thrift shop I should know about? Because here's Paul rocking a similar R.F.-esque rose jacket, only sent through the Negative Zone. Paul is singing that hoary wedding chestnut. You know the one, where your cornball uncle gets up and sashays around while biting his bottom lip? And everyone pretends its funny? Yeah, that one. Please, someone, burn the master tapes to this.

Paul thinks this song is "awesome", so we know he's a tool. His version is a raspy, off-key car wreck of a performance. It's like Dylan McKay's drunk karaoke dare. And no, that sexy sax player can't save you. The Judges lie and say they liked his "wild abandon." I agree with the wild abandon part... Just not the "like" part.

Lauren Alaina :: "The Climb"
ProducerJimmy tells Lauren she's a much, much better singer than Miley Cyrus. Which is like complimenting someone by saying they're a much better actress that Pia Zadora. Lauren gives us a memorial-Pia-Toscano type ballad. It's a little listless and dirgy, instead of hopeful and sprawling. And then it comes alive about halfway through. The Judges, though, loved it.

Stefano Langone :: "End Of The Road"
This one's by Boyz II Men, from the forgettable "Boomergang." It's vocally sound stuff, a very solid performance. The Judges agree, saying Stefano's "in it to win it." Jlo even gets all Jenny From The Block out as she calls it "The Sh-t."

Scotty McCreery :: "Cross My Heart"
This is from a movie called "Pure Country." Of course it is! It's more K-Tel Country goodness from Scotty. Honestly, to me, it sounds like this dude is sideways-singing the exact same song each week.

Casey Abrams :: "Nature Boy"
ProducerJimmy thinks this song will be too "small" on the big-boy Idol stage. This might play OK in a random Jazz Club on a Thursday night. But here, it's a slightly off-kilter, growly performance. Awkward at the start, a little more polished toward the end. Plus, Casey is giving us the Buffalo Bill stare-down and I'm a'scared. "It puts the lotion in the upright bass, or else it gets the hose again." The Judges find Casey to be a complete "artist" and try to sell us all on that. Not sure America is buyin.'

Haley Reinhart :: "Call Me"
Haley is wearing a debazzled multi-colored mini from "Laugh-In." It's an odd choice and a bit of an herky-jerky performance. The Judges were iffy on this, except Steven, who pervs on her mini skirt. And finally, Haley's wardrobe strategy pays off. Somewhere, Haley Scarnato is texting her vote in slutty sisterhood.

Jacob Lusk :: "Bridge Over Troubled Waters"
ProducerJimmy doles out some tough love, saying "I just think Jacob doesn't need to be doing 'corny' right now." Unfortunately, 'corny' is Jacob's default setting. ProducerJimmy jiggles the cord and tries to reboot by suggesting "Bridge Over Troubled Waters."

Like all Jacob's performances, it's vocally sound, just 42% too churchy. The Judges all love it, and Steven babbles about his "crescendos" and "innuendos" like a gone-wrong INXS video. Jacob says he connected with the song because, "I've been in a lot of bad situations and I've needed someone to lay down for me and cover me." And by "someone," he wishes Jake Gyllenhaal.

James Durbin :: "Heavy Metal"
ProducerJimmy cautions James' song choice, But Durbin sticks to his guns and blasts out the Sammy Hagar, er, classic? Once again, Show flashes "this rawks" concert lights, and even dusted off a long-haired guitarist who hasn't seen work since Wasp broke up.

And there's James, bustin' out the screech in his "rock superstar" costume from Party City. With his dual devil horns. I admit, it's all vocally sound... With with a large heaping of WTF. The Judges feel like "they just went to a concert." Err, that's because Show creates that effect every week. OK, I'm officially annoyed by this character now.

So whose scene ends tonight? I'm guessing there's no sequel in store for Haley.

Idol Recap :: Will.i.damn!

2011-04-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

Last week, Filed under "No, this is not a Saturday Night Live Skit": The ghetto-fabu-not Fantasia sang "Collard Greens and Cornbread" on my TV. Also, Naima went back to Pandora while Thia returned to Disneyland.

Tonight, it's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week, with Steven Tyler giving us a walk-through, dressed in Joan Rivers' closet trash from 1987.

Steven Tyler Fashion Look of the Week:

Bad Karma Chameleon

ProducerJimmy and Will.i.am are the co-mentors tonite.

Jacob Lusk :: "Man In The Mirror"
Jacob considered singing "Let's Get It On" but then grew concerned for his immortal soul. OK, nobody tell this guy the Church's stance on the ho-mo-sexuals. He chooses "Man in the Mirror" instead. Jacob takes to the stage looking like Mr. Rourke's adopted child, then proceeds to air hump the woman who co-wrote the song. Vocals overall good, and the Judges liked it, per usual.

Haley Reinhart :: "Piece Of My Heart"
Haley aims to channel her bluesy edge again, since it done her good last week. A more-confident Haley is apparently a more-clothed Haley, too. The performance is OK, but the song is a little too big for lil'Haley. But the Judges really liked this one.

Casey Abrams :: "Have You Ever Seen The Rain"
ProducerJimmy and Will.i.am are concerned Casey was getting too lounge-lizard-ish with "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic." So Casey pulls out the upright-bass thingee again and delivers a nice, laid back version of the song. This is the Casey we want to see - playing an instrument with his "I'm just jammin' yo" vibe. One of his best performances on the big-boy stage. The Judges agree.

Lauren Alaina :: "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman"
Dunno what Laren's going for looks-wise this week... It's like a Nagel painting melted into a cheap outfit from Old Navy. Then I remember Gwen Stafani dressed the kids this week, and I'm like, "ah." The sound is vocally sound, if not completely blow-you-away.

James Durbin :: 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps"
James tells us he is singing "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" "by George Harrison of the Beatles." In case you didn't know George Harrison was a Beatle. And sadly, some of these Idol kids don't. Show can't resist, though, in just giving Durbin a quiet performance. Instead, we get drama-fog machines and lighting effects. And Adam Lambert 2.0 gives us a performance just like a Glambert... Slow and quiet and then a screechy, big-showy note. The Judges loved it all, of course, seeing "his emotional side." Whatevs.

Scotty McCreery :: "That's Alright Mama"
To Scotty's credit, he foregoes 70s-era Country in favor of a jaunty Elvis tune. Sideways smirk-singing still in place. Despite strange gyrations and odd microphone cradling, the song is vocally sound. Visually, it's like Kid Eminem is doing Rockabilly. Then these five teeange girls rush the stage and hug Scotty, and Show would have us believe this was not a piece of pre-planned tomfoolery. To which I say, "Bitches, please." Seacrest looks perplexed, because he still finds teenaged girls icky. The Judges find this all revolutionary.

Pia Toscano :: "River Deep Mountain High"
Pia sings the Tina Turner original, in this non-ballad bid for power. Pia want to look fierce. You can tell by the Zebra pelt she sports. Like everything, it's vocally strong. I think she still need more Tina Turner-ish grit, but still good stuff. The Judges liked it, but want Pia to rock the stage harder as a performer.

Stefano Langone :: "When A Man Loves A Woman"
Stefano wants to "connect" again. I hope the cameras are armed with rape whistles and mace.It starts on the "serious stairs", like these songs are wont to do. Then it's head-to-the-heavens and outstretched hands. Vocally, pretty strong, though.

Paul McDonald :: "Folsum Prison Blues"
Paul is tackling Jonny Cash, looking like an extra from "Carrie"'s pig-blooded prom. And the weird dancing is back. "They're all gonna laugh at you." It's high-energy, if not a little frentic. The Judges all loved it, though.

Everyone was pretty good tonight. So who's going home? I'm guessing Paul will be singing the blues for realsies.

Idol Recap :: Someone Maimed My Songs Tonight

2011-03-31T12:41:00.000-07:00

For those lamenting the end of LOST, this weeks show starts with a flash-back-forward-sideways recap of last Thursday's (actually) exciting elimination episode. Casey almost eliminated! Flashback to pre-show prep, where Casey hauntingly asserts they will not use the save! (Oooh, after-the-fact foreshadowing!) Hulk Hogan struts on stage looking like a radiation-burned Stretch Armstrong! Wrestling fans James Durbin and Paul McDonald plotz on stage! Ryan gets faux-punched and thrown into the pseudo-mosh-pit! Jennifer Hudson performs, after her healthy stay in the regeneration chamber!

And then the smoke monster ate everyone.

OK, not really... but hope springs eternal.

Then the Judges decide to keep Casey. And he crumbles on stage, visibly shaken and trembling. And I was desperately hoping that he would either faint or vomit, because that's why God made live TV. I think when Ryan said "Casey, you need to sing for you life," he took it for realsies. Because, honestly, bitchcakes, this is just a reality show.

Steven Tyler Fashion Look of the Week:
Corporate Shaman

This week is Elton John week. Because when The Show said no more themes, they lied.

Scotty McCreery "Country Comfort"
Scooty googled "Elton John" and "Country" and actually found something! Some nonsense country song, and factories are closing down. Of course they are! Howzabout learning an actual skills, you silly rednecks? Our resident Conway Twit(ty) smirk-smiles through it all, country style, y'all. The Judges all like, despite the last note sounding like a factory horn at quittin' time.

Naima Adedapo "I'm Still Standing"
Naima is doing "I'm Still Standing" with a reggae-swag. She sounds vaguely like a lyrical vodoo priestress, and honestly the vocals are a bit swagless. But the arrangement is actually kinda cool. The Judges, however, aren't smokin' what Naima is passing.

Paul McDonald "Rocket Man"
Paul is wearing Mr. Furley's jacket again. Like all of Paul's performances, it's a so-so affair. The Judges want him to push his performances more, but honestly I think this is as good as Paul gets.

Pia Toscano "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me"
Ballad-lovin' Pia sings the IDOL-favorite, "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me." Like everything, Pia nails this one with a pitch-perfect rendition, backed by the choir sponsored by Banana Republic. The Judges love it, despite the balladness.

Stefano Langone "Tiny Dancer"
Producer Jimmy cracks the whip at bottom-threer Stafano. Someone page the splendiferous Peggi Blu, stat! Stafano gives a somewhat fromage-based performance, as he slips the camera an eye-roofie and bends it over the bathroom sink. Jlo believes this qualifies as "connecting with the audience." Meanwhile, "the audience" is busy hugging their knees and rocking back and forth in a shame shower.

Lauren Alaina "Candle In the Wind"
Lauren sings Elton John's opus to dead pop culture goddesses. Lauren does a great job with this one, and the Judges like. Steven, perhaps a bit too much, as he creeps on Lauren mightily.

James Durbin "Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting"
James is a rocker. Did you know he's a rocker? We keep telling you, dammit. And he's wearing the costume. So believe it, bitches, or we'll flash lights during all his performances! As much as I'm not a James-fan, usually I cop to the fact that his singing is mostly good. But this week, it's sorta a lame wannabe cornball affair - like a warmed-over Def Leppard video. But omigod, the piano is now on fire and his hair is spiked, so you better believe he rawks! The Judges have been hypnotized into believing this is, so they liked it fine.

Thia Megia "Daniel"
Producer Jimmy wants Thia to understand what the lyrics say. In other words, "This ain't HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL, bee-yotch." Thia does a better job connecting with the song, but it's all rather dull.

Casey Abrams "Your Song"
Producer Jimmy says "everything" was wrong with Casey's performance last week, and wants a return of "humble Casey" of old. Cue corny shave and a haircut montage, as only IDOL can deliver. Let's be thankful it wasn't in grainy sped-up black and white with silent-movie title cards. It's a quiet, small performance. It's ok and all, but rather lackluster. The Judges reaffirm their belief in keeping Casey.

Jacob Lusk "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word"
Producer Jimmy says, "this is a song you can easily over-dramatize and that's where Jacob gets in trouble." With a capital T and that rhymnes with G which stands for Gaga. "If Jacob goes for over-dramatizing, he could kill the whole thing," Producer Jimmy ominously forewarns.

Next image: a backlight Jacob bathed in a smoke machine's tender embrace. Because nothing says subtle like a fog machine. It's like a Heart video mated with Phantom of the Opera. So much for under-dramatizing. By the time Jacob is done going into musical labor, his afterbirth lines the stage. The Judges still loved it.

Haley Reinhart "Bennie and the Jets"
Haley tries to Scarnato us again with a sexy-ish chatuessey version of the song. She gives the song a bluesy edge that plays to her vocal strengths. It's probably her best performance to date. Aaaand, the Judges agree. Haley's g-string can be kept in storage for another week.

So who's going home? I think Thursday Night's All Right For Packing for Stefano and Naima.

Idol Recap :: Blowtown

2011-03-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

Last week, Karen Rodriguez said "goodbye." Or, as she might sing, " Hasta luego." But she's not just Spanish.

This week is Motown week, so get ready for some soul crushing of a different variety.

Steven Tyler Fashion Look of the Week:
Gay Leopard

Casey Abrams, "I Heard It Through The Grapevine"
After Casey's CharlesManson-y Nirvana performance, the ProducersCabal hide the sharp objects and tell him to reign it in a bit. Casey wafts through the crowd like a hispter Tom Jones, and manages to give the song a cool, gruff spin. The Judges find him a "true original" and they like it muchly.

Quick shout out to the Aeromosith guitarist, who looks like a hyper-aged Willy Wonka. Kids: Don't do drugs.

Thia Megia, "(Love Is Like a) Heat Wave"
Continuing Thia's trend of boppy-teen fluffitude, she picks the up-tempo "Heat Wave." It's a limp performance, lacking the passion and urgency of Martha and the Vandellas' original. Less heat wave, more like a hot flash. The Judges are soft on Thia and feel that she "took a chance."

Jacob Lusk, "You're All I Need to Get By"
Motown week is right up Jacob's alley, so he should do well. ProducerJimmy wants to see "more restraint." Let me put that through my Idolese translator[TM]: "Dial back the runs, bitch." Jacob's performance is entirely "Dreamgirls", with sassy arm waves and dramatic hand flourishes. Bitch is like a refugee from the Island Of Misfit Pips. But honestly, it's his best performance to date, as he totally keeps his theatrical side mostly in check. Steven calls him "baby Luthor" as the Judges give him the coveted standing O.

Lauren Alaina, "You Keep Me Hanging On"
The strangely zebra-pelted Lauren vamps around the stage like a white girl doing her best sassy-black-neighbor impression. There's more neck weaving in this song than the five season run of "227." Sandra would be moved to say, "Oh, Mawy." Vocally, it's pretty good, and the Judges like it fine.

Stefano Langone, "Hello"
Remember when music teech Lionel Ritchie inappropriately stalked his poor blind student, but it was OK because she made an monstrous sculpture of him? I guess it was a fine practice to creep on the handicapped during the Reagan Era. Also, the difficulty factor in stalking the blind in pleasingly low. Oh, 80s!

David Cook kicked out a great version of this song in season six, but Stefano's version is rather lame. Imagine the cruise ship reunion tour of Menudo, and you begin to get the idea. Jlo wants more of a connection and more intensity from Stefano. Then she critiqued his music, too.

Haley Reinhart, "You Really Got a Hold on Me"
Haley Reinhart is taking wardrobe tips from previous perennial season six bottom-three-er Haley Scarnato, who wore hot pants and a washcloth on stage. Skin wins votes, peeps. For a while anyway. The Judges liked the bluesy-edge, so maybe Haley can save her g-string for another week or so.

Scotty McCreery, "For Once In My Life"
This week, Scotty is smirk-singing his way through "For Once In My Life" by way of Merle Haggard. Dipped in Red State ooey-gooey-ness, Scotty is sure to be safe this week.

Pia Toscano, "All In Love Is Fair"
Beautiful pitch-perfect performance, if a little sleepy. The Judges love it, but want more star power and less ballads. I co-sign that. Ryan then proceeds to model Pia's dress because he wants us to "see the couture." Seacrest, it's not even "subtext" at this point, it's just "text."

Paul McDonald, "Tracks of My Tears"
Paul provides a mellow-pop version of the famous song, giving his restless leg syndrome a rest behind his guitar. Everyone characterizes Paul's voice as "distinct" and "unique" and "different." You know, kinda like the description of every nightmare blind date you've ever had. Show will awkwardly break up with him mid-season.

Naima Adedapo, "Dancing in the Street"
Naima threatens to dance again, causing small terrified children to cower in fear. Naima rocks the stage wearing grandma's drapes as bellbottoms and every friendship bracelet in the Western Hemisphere. She gives a solid performanace, and even injects some rasta-beatdown in it, while having a grand mal seizure on stage. Jlo got goosebumps while Steven feels she's the "full package."

James Durbin, "Living for the City"
Once again, James is wearing his rocker costume and telling us to "Come on!" James, I am not going anywhere with you in that get-up. Visually, it's indulgently showboaty... But vocally, it's solid stuff. Thankfully, James doesn't overdo the screechy power-notes this week. Randy found the beginning a little rough, but the rest is all love.

So who's going home tonight? I think Haley will be making tracks... followed by tears.

Idol Recap :: Born To Be Mild

2011-03-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

Last week Karen Rodriguez practiced Santeria and spared herself from eliminations. Meanwhile, Ashton Johns did the "Dance Monkey!" sing-for-her-life and was answered with J Lo's stinging, "Not this time, baby."

Steven Tyler Fashion Look of the Week:

Rainbow Brite Does Woodstock

They’re singing Birth Year Songs tonight. Remember what I said about "Everything is different this season, but nothing has changed?"? Yeah.

Naima Adedapo, "What's Love Got to Do With It" (1984)
Naima's mom comes on the screen looking tres Navi. Then Naima takes the stage like a Rasta Predator, but gives a middling performance. It's disappointing, because she's one of the more-talented girls this season. Tyler says she has a "sorceror's grasp of melody", J Lo's concerned about pitch problems and Randy finds the "vocals all over the place."

Paul McDonald, "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues" (1984)
Producer dude tells Paul he "sounds a little hoarse today," and I'm all like, "how can you tell"? Paul continues his odd stage persona of squatting and twitching, like a Meth head with bowel issues. It's far from great, as Paul struggles through some throaty cold issues. The Judges give him a semi-pass, and they still enjoy his distinctive voice. For this week, anyway.

Thia Megia, "Colors of the Wind" (1995)
Thia goes full-tilt Disney Princess on this one. It's nice and pretty but a little boring. The Judges, also bored. Ryan assigns Thia’s weak performance to post traumatic stress at the hands of the awesomely aggressive vocal coach from hell, Peggi Blu, who’s in the audience looking splendiferous. During Hollywood week, she played Granny Goodness to little teen furies with such encouragement as, "You’re going to die onstage in front of all those people. I’m going to be laying in my bed watching you just croak” and “No! What is that? Sing, dammit! Do it from the top one more time, and don’t make a mistake.” That bitch needs her own show.

James Durbin, ”I'll Be There for You” (1989)
Is it me, or is James Durbin looking more and more like Adam Lambert each passing week? I suppose as the annointed “rocker”, he must “fit the suit.” You know, like Johnny Bravo. It’s an OK performance, but seems waaaay too fast and pop-lite, almost like a Kidz Bop version of the Jovi classic. Tyler cautions the “poppy-ness” but there’s love all around, cuz Show wants James in the finale.

Haley Reinhart, ”I'm Your Baby Tonight” (1990)
Producer dudes still sporting indoor sunglasses. What did I tell you last week? It’s the look de douche. Haley invokes one of the diva goddesses, often resulting in Idol banishment. To her credit, she sings it better than Whitney can these days, but that’s crack-is-whack faint praise. It’s a boring, middling performance. J Lo starts off with the “you look beautiful tonight” and we know where this is going. It’s Idol-code for “you sucked the big one, girl.”

Ryan then awkwardly wipes lipstick off Haley’s chin, and Randy comments, “Ryan’s doing make-up now.” Now, Randy? Where you been, dawg? Ryan's probably been doing make-up since middle school.

Stefano Langone, ”If You Don't Know Me by Now” (1989)
Stafano sings the overplayed Simply Red classic, foregoing News Kids on the Block and Milli Vanili. J Lo mouths the words like a lovesick school girl. It's a solid performance, with the Judges noting the "hot vocals." J Lo thinks Stefano can "take this" if he "stays rights there" and "connects to her eyes." And by "this," she means her vagina.

Pia Toscano, ”Where Do Broken Hearts Go” (1988)
Adorable lil' Pia singing her heart out via video. Aw. So Pia's performance... I don't love this arrangement, but it almost doesn't matter -- Pia just nails the whole thing vocally. The Judges nod stoicly, with their "seriously awesome" eyebrow knitting - then give verbal loves.

Scotty McCreery, ”Can I Trust You With My Heart” (1993)
The Travis Tritt, um, classic (?). Arsed if I know. This is Country Music. Scotty continues to serve up Hazzard County style music, a little too Boars Nest for this city slicker. Fine for what it is, and Scott sings it classic country and all.

Karen Rodriguez, ”Love Will Lead You Back” (1989)
Karen rocks the Coke seat pimp slot, looking like a Space Age Hooker Bratz Doll, with hoop earrings the size of hula hoops. (Note: Is the phrase "Hooker Bratz Doll" redundant?) Karen wants to prove she's not just a Spanish singer, so she sings Taylor Dane and drops her now-trademark español. I don't think Karen knows what the word "prove" means. The Judges are like, "better than last week, but also rife with some meh."

Casey Abrams, ”Smells Like Teen Spirit” (1991)
First time Nirvana is ever sung on Idol. I'm actually a Casey fan, but this is a bit of a mess for me -- off-key and shouty. There's some flashing yellow rocker lights that only serve to make Casey resemble a slightly musical member of the Sinestro Corps . Tyler enjoyed, J Lo found it a little screechy, and Randy liked the fearlessness.

Lauren Alaina, ”I'm the Only One” (1994)
Lauren rocks the Melissa Etheridge tune, and starts off a bit rough. She eventually finds her way. The Judges like it, and even believe her cold may have helped the song out.

Jacob Lusk, ”Alone” (1987)
Jacob insisting his mother can't sing, while she insist she can. Cute. His performance? Not so cute. It's overcooked Meatloaf in a "I'd Do Anything For Love" way. We even get cascading finger action and fade to black drama. "Mommy Dearest" was subtle filmaking compared to this. The Judges, meanwhile, liked this quite nicely. Whatevs.

So who's going home? I'm guessing America won't consider Haley their baby tonight.

Idol Recap :: Left Idoling

2011-03-10T09:43:00.000-08:00

New judges. New opening. New band. New stage. It's the season where everything is different – but nothing has changed. Despite the new trappings, it’s the same old Idol, with bad auditions, the back-biting of Hollywood week and the extra-drama fake-out eliminations.

Plus, kids pursuing music careers that never heard a Beatles song; Such crimes should be punishable with a 24-hour non-stop Ke-dollarsign-ha album on repeat. But please, do sing that Aerosmith song from that bad meteor movie again. In Idol’s unintentional anti-bully campaign, haughty divas Clint Jun Gamboa and Jordan Dorsey werekarmicly eliminated, despite their vocal prowess. Clint, for ousting chubsy-ubsy fav Jaycee, and Jordan for dissing country crooner Scotty McCreery. That’s justice, bitches, served up Idol style.

All in all though, the talent seems much better this year compared to last year’s dreadful season. And the show’s focus seems to be on the contestants, instead of the Judges nonsense.

And then there’s the Judges. Now, I had my doubts about this season going in, imaging a detached J Lo, a lump in the shape of Randy Jackson, and an annoyingly narcissistic Steven Tyler,. Especially the promo images of Tyler where he resembled one of those Tranny-Looking Housewives of Self-Important County. But J Lo and Tyler seem invested. And when Chris Medina auditioned, the Judges met his disabled-by-a-car-crashgirlfriend, and they were very sweet, with Tyler whispering to her, “that’s why he sings so good because he sings to you.” Damn you, Steven Tyler, for making me like you. I may even buy you another Hot Topic necklace.

Additionally, Tyler provides some bizarre bon mots and inappropriate leering of teenaged contestants. And that, my friends, makes for good TV. Meanwhile, J Lo has emerged as a more-lucid Paula Abdul, offering carefully-couched critiques as to not crush souls. Randy, remains a lump. Occasionally, The Show will cattle-prod him into giving harsh Simonesque critiques, but in mere minutes he’s back to grazing listlessly over his Coke cup.

Tyler also provides unintentional entertainment with his “Rock Superstar” costumes from Party City, each one a slight variation on a theme. Honoring his fashion (non)sense, I will be providing a 5-word-or-less description of his weekly look.

Steven Tyler Fashion Look of the Week:
Merchant Ivory's Pimp Playa

This week, Ryan Seacrest emerges on the Tron-like stage announcing the top thirteen. There’s a quasi-theme of the night, as the contestants sing songs from their personal Idols. Or, alternately, sing stuff the Judges liked in Hollywood week.Also, there’s various music producers doling out advice and guidance. And lots of red headphones.

Lauren Alaina - Any Man of Mine (Shania Twain)
Lauren is one of the front-runners, noted a Carrie Underwood/Kelly Clarkson mash-up. This week, her performance is OK enough, but slightly Country-karaoke. The Judges deem this "Meh."

Casey Abrams - With a Little Help from My Friends (Joe Cocker)
Casey - despite looking like Jim Kuback from Mission Hill - is another front-runner, and my personal pick for the win. His performances have been surprising and original. The producer dude tells Casey to spasm on stage a la JoeCocker. Casey manages a few kicks and a little stomping. It’s competent, but not one of his best performances. The Judges all love, as Steven rates him a “rainnbow of talent” and a “plethora of passion.” Randy reaches for a dictionary.

Ashthon Jones - When You Tell Me That You Love Me (Diana Ross)
The Judges once told Ashton she’s like Diana Ross, so she feels safe in evoking the diva card. She does it justice, but honestly, it’s a little pageanty and snoozish. Judges like, but don’t love.

Paul McDonald - Come Pick Me Up (Ryan Adams)
Or, as I like to think of him, Steven Keaton’s hip younger brother. Paul chooses a song from Ryan Adams, but really, he’d kill doing something from James Morrison. Paul uses his low rasp-singing to his advantage. But the stage presence is a disturbing thing. Dressed like something from Sgt Pepper's Valentine's Day Band, he works the stage like a drunk speed-walker in need of urinating. The Judges like the idea of Paul moreso than the actual performance.

Pia Toscano - All By Myself (Celine Dion)
Pia’s one the Judge’s favorites, given a manipulative totally pre-planned pimp-slot standing O last week. This week, she sings the treacly-awesome “All By Myself.” It’s actually a great song choice to show off her vocals. She kills it. The Judges find her “dope, hot, cool” and things of this nature.

James Durbin - Maybe I'm Amazed (Paul McCartney)
James is Adam Lambert 2.0. Awesomely talented with super-big sometimes screechy notes. And the Judges are already picking out China patterns for the finale. Not my cuppa tea, but a very talented fellow. At least he cut off his white-trash hair tail. Because, it’s not 1992. This week is actually my favorite performance from him so far – he really nails this pretty effortlessly, without screeching out notes that make every dog in a three mile radius run around in circles. The Judges are all smoochy about it.

Haley Reinhart - Blue (LeAnn Rimes)
Practice sessions: Everyone is wearing sunglasses indoors. Note to everyone: that’s a douchey look that no one pulls off, ‘kay? Haley’s a little pitchy and even droning. Like I set my alarm clock to “Patsy Cline.” Tyler believes the country-western part of the country is “roaring.” Of course they are. Randy is the surprising voice of reason (!), and found it “a little boring” and “sleepy.”

Jacob Lusk - I Believe I Can Fly (R. Kelly)
Jacob is the greatest singer I kinda want to slap sometimes. Maybe it’s the ridiculous runs. Maybe it’s his high-drama quotient. Like, if you told him you liked his jacket, he’d jump up and down and shakes his hands wildly. But if you told him you hated his jacket, bitch would cry til Tuesday. Anyhoo, he’s a wickedly talented gospel-crooning bore. He sings well, flanked by the supporting singers of “Amen.”The Judges love.

Thia Megia - Smile (Michael Jackson)
The producers reference Charlie Chaplin, and 15-year old Thia is like “I know nothing of these things in the black and the white.” Thia sings it well, but it feels like a Disney-On-Ice opus.

Stefano Langone - Lately (Stevie Wonder)
Ah, Stefano, the contestant J Lo would like to Corey Clark. Choosing Stevie Wonder is a bit of a miscalculation, and Stefano isn’t quite up to the task. It’s OK, but it pales to the original. The Judges feel he “pulled it off.”

Karen Rodriguez - I Could Fall in Love (Selena)
Karen chooses a Selena song (angling the J Lo sympathy vote?) She even enters the stage in her “Single WhiteJlo” costume, with pulled-back ponytail and sparkly red-carpet dress. The judges found it a little “lacking.” Watch out, J Lo, this bitch might blackswan your ass.

Scotty McCreery - The River (Garth Brooks)
Scotty’s singing is like a B-side from K-Tel’s Greatest Country Hits of the 70s. Country Music, to me, is the foreign language I never wanted to study. So here is Scotty singing traditional country, if you enjoy tales of truck stops and daily travails... Have at it.

Naima Adedapo - Umbrella (Rihanna)
Naima is one of of the more talented girls, methinks. She does a good job with “Umbrella”, and in addition to giving her the pimp slot, Show activates its holodeckfeature with flashing lightning that whisper, “love this, bitches.” The reggae bridge is actually kind hot. The Judges are ok with it, but you can tell they wanted to love it more... y'know, with the pimp slot and all.

So who's going home? Haley Reinhart might be feeling blue, but I actually think Karen Rodriguez will fall out of love with The Show.

Idol Recap :: DeWyze Move

2010-05-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

0:01: Ryan introduces the two finalists: Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox both looking like errant students from Hogwarth's School of Soft Rock. As usual, Lee looks like he is chocking back vomit. This is Amercan Idol. The finale! Or as like to call it, The finally!

0:06: All The Remedial Idols are singing "School's Out For Summer" by Alice Cooper, all resembling hard-rockin' refuges from Eastland Academy on their way to the Chug-a-Lug. In case you're wondering, Crystal is totally Jo. Oh, and here's Alice Cooper. Someone tell him it's not 1976 anymore, and to wipe that make-up off his face.

0:12: Here's Kris Allen, reminding us of last season's fabulousness. Swaybots say "waddup!"

0:16: Simon Cowell retrospective. Stupid ass-hattery with Randy and Seacrest pretending to be glad.

0:18: Siobhan and Aaron singing "How Deep Is Your Love", followed by the two surviving Bee Gees singing the same. It actually manages to stay classy.

0:26: Big Mike singing "Takin' It To The Streets." Somewhere in the audience, I bet Rerun is totally recording this noise. "Rerun, it's called bootlegging. And it's ee-legal." Michael MacDonald enters, looking like someone just pulled him from a local Borders five minutes prior to this performance.

0:29: Oh, wonderful. Dane Cook. The criminally-unfunny faux-cool 38-year-old frat-boy comedian. Singing about Simon Cowell like a poor man's Adam Sandler. Didn't he have enough failed movies to fade away at this point? Please do us a favor and choke on a "sangwich" at "The BK Lounge."

0:31: A flock of auditioners who were slammed by Simon overtake the stage. Dumbass Ian Bernardo grabbed the mic and said, “Who cares? It’s all about Ian Benardo tonight!” and later added, “This is a Kanye moment” before his mic was cut. Dane Cook later tweeted, “That was not staged. Weirdo hijacked the song. Just glad he didn’t hit me in the face w/the mic or Americal [sic] Idol would b American Beatdown.” Yeah, nothing more threatening than an aggressive tweet, Dane. MTV News has more details if you care.

0:34: The girls singing a Christina Aguilera mega-mix, then joined by Christina, fresh from her time-travel journey raiding Madonna's closet from 1994.

0:42: Ricky Gervais, slumming, to say goodbye to Simon.

0:47: The guys singing a Hall and Oats mega-mix. Lee sounds great on "I Can't Go For That." He shoulda done sang that last night. Here's the real Hall (plus his new face) and Oats (minus the spectacular porn 'stash).

0:52: Seacrest reminds us to buy tickets for the Season Nine concert tour. I have more pleasant activities to schedule. Like that root canal I've been putting off.

0:53: Crystals' dad, looking like Vito at the gay bar.

0:54: Crystal and Alanis Morissette. I love how they change the line to "Is she perverted like me? Will she go down with you to the theater?" Because only total slut-skanks see movies. Often, I go trolling for whores at the Cineplex. Also, didja know this song is about FULL HOUSE's Dave Coulier? Never trust a guy who does Bullwinkle impersonations.

1:01: Carrie Underwood reminds us of the fabulous season four. Clothing furnished by The Fifth Element.

1:04: Kris Allen presents Crystal and Lee with new Ford Fiesta cars. (Really? Fiestas??? Further proof that Season Nine is decidedly low rent) They all pretend to be excited. The Michael Jackson Lisa Marie kiss was less staged.

1:06: Fresh from the Circle Inn, it's Casey James. Hey, he lost $50 to be here to sing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Brett Michaels enters, now on his 7th or 8th life, I lost count.

1:15: Lee singing with Chicago (the band), because he's from Chicago. The Show never claimed to be creative.

1:18: Holy hell, it's attention whore Matt Rogers, a former contestant that just won't go away. His fat ass is in Chicago visiting Lee's peeps. He's screaming at us, because we don't hate him enough already.

1:19: Simon retrospective. "Simon the Flirt." Ridiculous grade school antics.

1:21: "Pants On The Ground" You knew this was coming. Uncle Larry, complete with Federline-esque back-up dancers wearing baggy pants. Now William Hung joins him. Utterly ridiculous.

1:28: Paula reminiscing, and making sense, in a taped segment. How many takes did this take? Paula now enters live on stage. Weird stand-up act. Debbie The Stage Manager waits in the wings with a tranq dart.

1:33: Brian Dunkleman spotted in flashback. He really did exist!

1:35: Simon's semi-serious goodbye, "I had the best ten years of my life. Thank you. And I'm going to miss you."

1:36: Former winners - Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Hicks, Jordan Sparks, Kris Allen - singing "Together We Are One" for Simon. (David Cook - the only missing winner - was at a charity event) Then joined by a chorus of Idol also-rans from past seasons. Wow, I will say, this is a moment. I'm not even going to make fun of any of them. Although I'm sure it wasn't difficult for Taylor Hicks to clear his schedule. Damn. Almost made it.

1:38: Simon is touched.

1:44: Chorus of Season Nine also-rans. Did you forget their names already? You know you did. Janet Jackson enters, dressed like evil vampire Willow, sings a song medley.

1:52: Crystal and Lee retrospective.

1:54: Crystal and Lee singing "I Get By With A Little Help from My Friends." Lee sings Joe Cocker awesome-like, just as I predicted yesterday. Crystal rocks it. Crazy homeless looking Joe Cocker joins in. A nice moment.

2:01: The new American Idol of 2010 is... Lee DeWyze. He really loses his shit on stage.But quick, Lee, sing "Beautiful Day," we're running over!

Crystal is probably better served as a runner-up anyway. And Lee's pitch problems can be fixed in a recording studio, although it's unclear what kind of album he would even make. 'Cuz right now, he's like a dime store Nickelback.

And that, my friends, brings Season Nine to a close. It's been fun and exhausting, but mostly exhausting. This season has truly been the worst ever. The Judges have overtaken the show, the talent was super-thin, and The Show's manipulations get more and more transparent with each passing year. And, it's committed the worst sin of all: it's just been boring.

It's clear, Simon probably knew to get while the gettin' is good.

Idol Recap :: Dweezilsux

2010-05-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

Tonight, Casey is back to singing at the Circle Inn for $50 a night. Payback is a cruel bitch.

Ryan starts the night announcing the "battle" between Lee and Crystal. I dunno, Ryan. This season, it's more like a schoolyard scuffle. A kerfuffle, if you will. So tonight, each of the Remedidols will be singing three songs: one redux, one Simon Fuller choice, and the coronation song.

The coronation song has mercifully been altered. It's no longer some variation on "The Dream of My Heart Will Make You Proud As Together We Can Reach The Stars." Now, it's a cover song. And the circle of karaoke life that is American Idol is now complete.

It's also Simon's last night. And by his limp, distracted feedback, it's like he's already checked out. Much like most viewers in the middle of this middling season of Forget-Me-Idols. So, onto the performances:

Lee DeWyze: Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Boxer”

Hmm. This wasn't as good or as memorable as the first time Lee sang this. It's mildly OK. Low energy level. Simon says, "I would expect more passion and excitement." Simon, if you're looking for passion and excitement, watch GLEE. Because here, these aren't the droids you're looking for.

Crystal Bowersox: Janis Joplin’s “Me and Bobby McGee”

Crystal killed this last time. It's mostly OK this time around, but a bit shrill in spots. What is happening tonight? The Judges all like it, and Simon says she's "back on her best." He's speaking British again.

Lee DeWyze: R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts”

This is a very strange choice for Lee. Michael Stipe's nasally whine is incompatible with Dweezil's rough timbor. It's almost OK as its own interpretation, but Lee would have better served covering an old Joe Cocker joint, making it completely modern. The Judges all but say "it sorta sucked a little, but our standards are low this year so s'allright."

Crystal Bowersox: Alannah Myles’ “Black Velvet”

This song belongs in a special category. The category of "I'm so sick of this song so please burn the master tapes." You too, "Old Time Rock n Roll," you are in my cross-hairs. Crystal sings it OK enough, but it seems rushed and the arrangement is disjointed. The original was a sexy-swampy serenade to Elvis. This one devolves into Mamasox on a bender, shouting a la Siobhan Magnus. The Judges all like it, and Simon even thinks she "nailed it."

Lee DeWyze: U2′s “Beautiful Day”

"If Lee wins it all, this will be his single." A cover of U2's "Beautiful Day"? Um, OK. Once again, it's nothing very special. More of a "So-So Day." Lee just doesn't have the vocal range of Bono. I also think Lee's nerves are getting to him. If only he would vomit live on stage. It would be the moment of the season. The Judges were like, "wasn't good, but you got better during the season while everyone else sucked more, so good on you." Simon also brings out the "you're a nice guy" card, which is Cowellese for "you gonna lose." Although, that Jedi mind trick didn't work on Kris Allen. Because he either had more talent or a shitload of Midi-chlorians.

Crystal Bowersox: Patty Griffin’s “Up to the Mountain”

Best performance of the night. This is a great Crystal moment, and should seal the deal for her as the winner this year. The Judges all like it, and Simon calls it... well, "the best performance of the night."

Retrospective on the season, backed by Will Young singing. Podunk girl who never rose an air-o-plane. Big Mike making a muscle (ugh). Casey stripping for Kara. Buffalo-Bill-like entity drawing lipstick hearts on a mirror. Pants on the ground. The robbed-from-top-24 Lilly Scott. Andrew Garcia singing "Straight Up" and unwittingly dooming himself. Seventies dude singing in his bathrobe. Tim Urban's on stage slip-and-slide moment. Group hug. It's like the remembrace-touch in LOST's sideways universe, only a thousand times less moving.

So who's gonna win? I'd say it's Mamasox's to lose, but a Dweezil upset wouldn't be unprecedented (see: Kris Allen). In truth, we the viewers win. As we are finally free of this lackluster season.

LOST Finale :: This Is "The End"

2010-05-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

So, did anyone truly think that LOST would end with answers to every island mystery?

Me neither.

I think the ending leaves several things open to interpretation (and I always imagined LOST would end with some ambiguity. I mean, have you watched the show?). But the last episode, aptly titled "The End," was largely a spiritual journey. Indeed, it explained the entire show as a spiritual journey.

Good And Bad

The bad: LOST didn't quite "play fair" for six seasons, now did it? By introducing so many "important" mysteries, only a scant few had any real significance. Walt's powers. The electro-magnetic energy. The four-toed statue. The "sickness." Why babies couldn't be born. What happened to Claire's hair. None of those burning questions ever truly got answered. (OK, Claire's hair was more unnerving than demanding-to-be-answered)

The good: In the end (or, in "The End"), a lot of those questions didn't really matter. The last half hour was layered with so many philosophical and spiritual themes, it rendered every scientific question moot.

In the first episode of season six, when Jack is on the plane "home" into the "sideways universe," he clutches his armchair as they hit some turbulence. Rose turns to him and says, "You can let go now." It's a line of dialogue echoed by Christian Shephard in the second-to-last scene, and damn, if that isn't the whole theme of the show.

There's some post-finale discussion about "what's real" and what's not. Was the sideways universe purgatory? Was the island their "real life"? Or was the island a stopover before purgatory? Or was the island a last flash before death? When did everyone die? In the plane crash? On the island? Or, to totally trip your mind, was there even a plane?

I can only offer my own interpretation. And the lovely thing about the finale, is that you can have a different way to see it, and we can both be right. As the multiple religious ornaments in the funeral parlor indicate, we all have a different way of seeing the spiritual side of things.

I think LOST was largely from Jack Shephard's point of view. From the very first frame of the first episode, we see his eye open. It's also the closing shot of the entire series. I believe everyone died on the plane crash of 2004. (If indeed it was a plane, or just a metaphor for a journey into "the other side" after death).

Life, Death, Rebirth

The island, as I see it, is a mystical well of souls. A magical place for the dead to sort out their lives. To reconcile the things they need to reconcile. To lay them to rest. And once they complete that journey, they can "move on." The show has dealt with the themes of redemption and rebirth, so this fits perfectly with that notion. That cave light was, after all, "life, death, rebirth," we are told.

Christian's words in the second-to-last scene give many clues to interpret as you will. When Jack asks, "Are you real?" He answers, "I sure hope so. Yeah, I'm real. You're real. Everything that ever happened to you is real. All the people in the church. They're real, too."

Some fans want (or need) the island to be "real", in the sense that it's "not the afterlife." Perhaps Jacob, a force of good, gathered them on the island as a final test before their physical deaths. But whether you view the island as a mystical stopover - or an actual physical island that exists in the Pacific, it's irrelevant. It's "real" either way. And it's only our limited earthly perceptions that might view "afterlife" as "not real." Follow?

Nobody Goes It Alone

Christian goes on to say, "Nobody does it all alone, Jack. You needed them, and they needed you. To remember. And let go." (Hey, Rose said that, too!)

From this, I see the island as a mystical stopover in the afterlife created by the inhabitants. Something akin to a shared mass delusion, if you will. And although we are seeing the show from Jack's point of view, we also see Sawyer's journey, Kate's journey, Hurley's journey, etc. Because they all needed each other to reconcile their lives and make peace.

Now, some island residents can be "props characters" created by the island (and/or its inhabitants). It would explain why the Dhamrma Initiative characters didn't have to reconcile their issues. Or for characters like Shannon or Boone, the island may have been only part of their journey (and perhaps we didn't see some other parts). Or for characters like Nicki and Paulo, maybe they never reconciled what they needed to. Still concerned with their own selfish pursuits, they were incapable of redemption. For them, it may be an endless loop, or perhaps they went to "that other place" people go when they aren't good people. The place with pitchforks and heating problems.

Jacob and the Man In Black, I believe, are constructs created by the inhabitants (largely Jack, who was raised a Christian, but had little faith). Although Jacob and Man In Black evoke some familiar biblical characters (Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, God and Satan), Jack created his "own" version of God and Satan. So Jacob and Man In Black are a gestalt of those biblical characters swimming in Jack's head; From Jack's upbringing, he remembers the facts even if he doesn't believe in the faith. Also note that other characters in search of their own redemption may see them differently to suit their own journey. Richard Alpert, a man of faith, saw them as God and Satan. Perhaps others might see them as Yin and Yang, opposite sides in balance.

The flashbacks of seasons one through three, I see as their "real lives" more or less. It was everything they needed to reconcile and atone for. Things that still haunted them. Things they regretted in life. Some of those mystical elements in those flashbacks (Jacob's visits, Hurley's cursed numbers) can be seen as either "divine intervention" or a colored view of your own history that suits your personal spiritual journey on the island. When many of them did reconcile their issues, they moved up a "level" to "sideways universe." When Jin and Sun truly saw each others' true selves, they "died." When Sayid did enough to make up for his past by sacrificing his own life. He "died." And so on.

Letting Go

"Sideways Universe," I didn't see as purgatory (I know some viewers did). To use a Christian belief, it was more like the Gates of Heaven. Here, you got a taste of the other side. A reward for redemption. It's the final step before "heaven". Enlightenment. Nirvana. Call it what you will. (Pick a symbol or belief system from that room in the funeral home.) The ideas of "levels" in the journey is common in many Eastern religions. (And Jack did get that Asian tattoo in that Bai Ling episode everyone hated.) At any rate, "sideways universe" is where you finally "let go."

It's also interesting to note who is in the church. These are all characters who made some sort of amends on the island. No sign of evil eye-patch guy, or Nicki and Paulo. And even Ben isn't ready yet (probably not yet feeling worthy, even after years of off-screen repentance as Hugo's Island Keeper). But Ben's journey was always one of humility, wasn't it?

As for Jack, his journey was from cold, hard reason to embracing his faith. His inner conflicts always involved his obsession to "fix" things that often couldn't be fixed (the guy couldn't even "see" his own death, but unconsciously no doubt, thought he could "fix" that, too). In the beginning of season six, in the wake of the bomb, he's almost resolved himself to faith. It's his last step as the Island Protector that earns him a final redemption. Further proof it's all Jack's story? The series evolved from somewhat logic based (scientific experiments and electromagnetic energy) to full-frontal mystical (golden light and healing waters). So the backdrop of the island kinda mirrored Jack's metaphysical journey all six seasons.

At least, that's how I see it.

There will be a lot a naysayers that will be annoyed that many questions weren't answered. I think you have to go back and look at those "mysteries" in a new light - as symbols and themes, not actual science that can be broken down into mathematical equations. You could see the smoke monster as "guilt." Or the mysterious numbers as "adversity." Or the Dharma Initiative as "the man." Or the Others as "distrust."

In short, if you are still annoyed that they didn’t answer every “reason-related” question, you’re still “season one unenlightened Jack. “ If you embrace the spiritual ending fully, you are “season six enlightened Jack.” At least, that’s what the show is telling us. ; )

Or as Rose might say, "You can let go now."

Namaste.

Idol Recap :: Doubled Over In Pain

2010-05-19T07:49:00.001-07:00

Last week, Big Mike was sent back home to his new baby (did you know he had a new baby?). Tonight, the remaining Remedial Idols sing 2 songs each: one chosen by themselves, and the other is a song chosen by the Judges panel.

In kinder, less offensive news, Fox president Kevin Reilly told reporters that executives are aware of our complaints: “We’re changing the Idol format next year. We’re heard consistently from audiences they would like more performances, tighter results shows, so that’s what we’re going to do as we get into the spring.” That means a half hour results show. And hopefully, less sucktitude overall?

Tonight's show is very zip-zippy, with no mentor and all bizniss.

Casey James: Eric Hutchinson’s “OK, It’s Alright With Me”
If you don't know the original, it's an awesome low-key song by the under-rated Eric Hutchinson. By all rights, on paper, this matches Casey's bar-band-bluesy vibe. Oh paper, how could you be so wrong? It's a little off-key in spots... A virtual "Meh"lapalooza. The Judges all think it was just alright with them, as Simon notes, "it will leave no lasting effect" and a "dud song choice."

Crystal Bowersox: Melissa Etheridge’s “Come to My Window”
Crystal chose Melissa Etheridge's “Come to My Window”, which is a perfect choice for her. There's some pointless harmonica playing, and the arrangement is needlessly changed. Mamasox should be rocking this out, but instead, it's a solid and somewhat uninspired rendition. The Judges found it so-so

Lee DeWyze: Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man”
This is probably Lee's best performance so far. Nary a pitch problem, and neatly within his range. This is the Lee we shoulda gotten six weeks ago... but well, finally. The Judges like it, and Simon even says "I don't think you've won round one, I think you crushed the other two."

Casey James: John Mayer’s “Daughters”
Casey James sings "Daughters" by John Mayer, selected by Kara and Randy. It's boring and hard to sing. Are The Judges fixing for a Dewylsox finale? Conspiracy theorists: discuss. Also, Kara believes Case's audience is women and girls. And maybe some boys, too, Kara.

Casey mumbles his way through a sleepier version of this whiny dirge. Even the swaybots arms waft wearily, as if to say "please, bitch." The Judges mostly like, although Simon thought it was a "lazy arrangement."

Crystal Bowersox: Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”
Ellen selects "Maybe I'm Amazed" by Paul McCartney for Crystal. It's a good song that showcases her vocal chops.The Judges love.

Lee DeWyze: Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”
Dear movies, TV and American Idol: Give this song a rest forever. Love, me. Ugh, this treacly, quasi-religious, whispery ode to "moment of faux importance" is eye-rollingly cliché. But then again, it looks like Simon makes some coin each time this blight-on-humanity is played. Because, y'know, Simon needs more money.

It starts off wonderfully enough, but then becomes a bit of an overcooked ham, as an army of gospel singers enter... smokes wafts through the air... as Lee is bathed in white light. It's"Lee-sus Christ Superstar." It's good, but completely produced to be "epic."

The Judges love it, as Kara notes "you owned the night" and Simon says "you proved you're a fantastic singer and a great person." Yes, Lee, that Humanitarian Award is yours for the asking now.

So who's going home? Casey, I suggest you book that $50 gig at the Circle Inn next Tuesday.

Idol Recap :: Unwelcome To Hollywood

2010-05-12T08:12:00.000-07:00

Last week, Harry Connick earned some props with such quotes as, “The word "Pitchy" does not exist judges. We need to stop saying that. He is singing out of tune." He also calls Casey a goat and snarks to Aaron, "Let's get serious, wipe that stupid smirk off your face." Meanwhile, Lady Gaga threw a hissy fit when the show cut her video by 90 seconds. But, then how could The Show fit in mindless elimination filler? Priorities, Lady (can I call you "Lady"?) And also, Aaron was eliminated and will undoubtedly body double for David Archuletta at some point in his "career."

Jamie Foxx returns as mentor tonight to give us "Songs of the Silver Screen." He's in the audience with t-shirts labelled "contestant" and "artist." Trying to up the game of the Remedial Idols, his Scooby-Snack-esque ploy involves rewarding the "true artists" with self-proclaiming t-shirts. So... Anyone want to buy 4 "artist t-shirts" from Jamie in 57 minutes?

In similar news, do you think the talent is worse this season? The pace slower? Simon's shirts too tight? You can honestly answer two of those three questions on the American Idol survey. So, if you haven't filled out your Idol survey explaining the various ways this show is terrible, then do so post-haste!

Lee DeWyze: Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose”

Lee sings that song from the Batman movie where costumes had nipples, and Nicole Kidman was the love interest. Seriously, the Ambiguously Gay Duo was less gay. And also, the song was played out on adult contemporary stations for 100 years after the movie. Lee sings the song well enough, but not spectacularly. Every week, Judges say, "step up your game," and every week, Lee's performances say, "I don't wanna." The Judges hand down the verdict, citing this week's performance as "just OK," "unoriginal" and "verging on karaoke."

Michael Lynche: Michael Jackson’s “Will You Be There”

Blue lights. Those stairs. This is serious bizness, bitches. It's the song from "Free Willy." Swaybots all but sing, "Hallelujah." It's slightly religious and evokes a little Michael Jackson, so Big Mike is covering some bases this week - Blacks and Bible Belt vote. The performance is mild and lackluster. The Judges only sorta like.

Crystal Bowersox & Lee DeWyze:

Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová’s “Falling Slowly”

Lee and Crystal sing "Falling Slowly", previously both owned and pwned by last season's Kris Allen. Whereas his version was sweet and slightly longing, this version is louder and pop-ier than it needs to be. Like something from a new Disney animated movie soundtrack. The good news is, it's in tune and actually good in spots. The Judges all overly love it, and unsurprisingly, fail to even mention Kris Allen's version. And also, Judges, calm down.

Casey James: Simon and Garfunkel’s “Mrs. Robinson”

Casey is practicing Mrs. Robinson, no doubt his ode to Kara DioGuardi. Jamie Foxx takes a page from that slut Andrew Llyod Weber and asks Casey to "Act as if I'm a woman. Seduce me." This debasement earns Casey an "artist" shirt. I've heard people do more for less on Broadway in the 80s. Casey's version of "Mrs. Robinson" is slow and listless, like it's smoked a big fattie and scarfed down a big bowl o' mac and cheese. My TiVo tells me it's about a minute and a half, but I could swear this thing lasted 134 years. The Judges were lukewarm and Simon thought it was "a little bit lazy."

Crystal Bowersox: Kenny Loggins’ “I’m Alright”

Kenny Loggins was the king of 80s soundtracks. It was his whole career for awhile, even. So throw a dart on "Songs of Cinema" night and you might hit a Kenny Loggins song. Crystal sings “I’m Alright” with her signature bluesy vibe, and she does a fine job with it. The Judges all like it very muchly.

Michael Lynche & Casey James:

Bryan Adams’ “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman”

This song was already given the deluxe treatment by Chris Daughtry in season five. Here, there's some decent harmonizing by Big Mike and Casey, but the whole thing is rather OK. Ellen answers, "As a matter of fact, I have loved a woman." And The Judges plotz. Oh no she di'int! The Judges also plotz over this duet.

Were they heavily medicated before the show began?

Here we are, three weeks to finals, and this season has yet to yield a true "moment." Like Kelly Clarkson's last few weeks, notably "Stuff Like That There." Or Fantasia's "Summertime." David Cook's "Hello." David Archuletta's "Imagine." David Cook's "Billie Jean" even. Melinda Doolittle's "My Funny Valentine." Chris Daughtry's "Hemorrhage." Bo Bice's "Whipping Post" - and doing "In A Dream" capella style. Carrie Underwood's "Alone." Katharine McPhee's "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." Adam Lampert's "Mad World." Kris Allen's "Heartless" and "Ain't No Sunshine."

Those were moments. In the absence of any true "moments" this season, The Judges have given up, and are giving glowing reviews to mediocre performances three weeks from the finale.

Feh. As for who's going., I'd say Casey James is heading for box office bust.

Idol Recap :: "And Regrets, They'll Sing A Few"

2010-05-05T07:32:00.000-07:00

Ryan says last week was a "wake up" call to vote for your favorite, as Siobhan shrieked her last on Wednesday. Do we even have favorites this season?

In its constant effort to get the contestants to be "relevant" and "contemporary", American Idol brings us "Songs of Frank Sinatra." Because there's nothing like 50 year old music to bring out that modern edge. The guest mentor is Harry Connick Jr. His big advice to the Remedial Idols is to "sing the words and the melodies." Yes, advice like that will carry them far. Perhaps even toward the soundtrack for "Hope Floats II: Electric Boogaloo".

Aaron Kelly” “Fly Me to the Moon”
Aaron busts out his "big boy" Sears Best vest to summon some Rat Pack swagger. Swagger says, "no." It's fine vocally, but a little karaoke. Randy and Ellen liked it, but are we even listening to them anymore? Kara was lukewarm, and Simon co-signs that by citing the performance as lacking conviction and mentions "the vocals on the end were a bit corny."

Casey James: “Blue Skies”
Casey's in the pimp chair. Last week, a non-tv watching friend called him, offering him a $50 gig at the Circle Inn tonight. Casey laughed it off, saying he was "busy, playing on national tv". Oh, Casey. Just wait two more weeks. I think your schedule may clear up.

Casey's "Blue Skies" is a bit of a stormy affair. The pitch is off, and notes drop like fleas off Bowersox hair. It's like a musical episode of the old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon, starring Uni, the bleating unicorn. It's a performance that has "Vote for the Worst" backing Casey, and renaming themselves "Goat for the Worst." So, yeah, it's like that. The Judges hate on it, as Simon found it a "bit awkward." This week, I think "bit" is British for "a lot."

Crystal Bowersox: “Summer Wind”
Crystal said she's using a different singing voice tonight. Her "not as good" one. For the first time, her performance is lacking oooomph. It's OK vocally, but it's devoid of any originality or energy. Look up "meh" in the e-dictionary and you will see Crystal singing "Summer Wind." The Judges thought it was "subdued" and Simon "expects better."

Mike Lynche: “The Way You Look Tonight”
So Big Mike is singing another song about his fine lady. Subtext: Also, his new baby. The man has a new baby. So vote, bitches. Have you seen his new baby?

Big Mike wears a hipster hat that irks me in its self-aware jauntiness. Vocally fine, but utterly boring. And arm stretching and hat tipping? Gross. The Judges all like it. Looks like Big Mike will be safe another week. In related news, Velveeta stock is up.

Lee DeWyze: “That’s Life”
Like everyone else tonight, Lee finds Harry Connick Jr. hilarious. I think these people need to define "hilarious." Or perhaps redefine it. Lee's performance is the best of the night for me, as he infuses "That's Life" with his own vocal signature. It at least sounds contemporary, and it's the only performance tonight that held my attention. The Judges love it and Simon even says "it was by far the best performance of the night."

So who's going? I think Casey will be flying the friendly blue skies back home.

Idol Recap :: The Twain Shall Meet

2010-04-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

“A paint salesman. A high school student. A glass blower. A mother. A father. A construction worker.” No, it’s not the all-new Village People. It’s Seacrest introducing our final six.

Flashback to last Wednesday, where “Idol Gives Back” managed to take… from me. 144 precious minutes, to be exact. So if it’s still taking up precious space on your DVR, allow me to recap:

Barack Obama said “you’re all my dawgs” without a trace of irony; The Idolers, dressed in the visual aftermath of the Second Coming, sang the under-rated “Keeping The Dream Alive” by Freiheit; David Cook visited Ethiopia and sang because … Pop music is nourishment for the soul?; Todd Bridges was in the audience, likely looking for someone to give back to him; Russell Brand and Jonah Hill performed some painfully unfunny shtick, that was actually a precursor to a movie I’ll never see; And Annie Lennox once again provided the classiest and most poignant moment of the show.

Also, Teflon Tim’s shields went down, and he was sent home, still smiling all the way. We shall all miss this clueless bastard, who provided unintentional entertainment on a weekly basis.

This week’s mentor is Shania Twain, who Ryan refers to as a “country pioneer.” You mean, like Laura Ingalls Wilder? OK, so Shania Twain is a country artist who crossed over into pop. Also, she all but devoured John Park like a Tasty Cake 100 years ago during auditions in Chicago.

Lee Dewyze: “You’re Still the One”

No, it’s not the 70s original co-opted by ABC’s gloriously cheesy promotional ads. It’s the overplayed Shania Twain opus. It starts off a little rough, but once we get to the chorus, s’all good, although there’s pitch problems throughout. Lee also makes the Kris Allen memorial triangle mouth while singing. The Judges all like it, and Jedi mind trick us be failing to mention any pitch problems, because aren’t we all pulling for the Dewylsox finale?

Michael Lynche: “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing”

Big Mike starts off sitting on the stairs. It’s Idol shorthand for “take me seriously, bitches.” He gets the soft magenta lights and the swaybots in fully synchronized accompaniment. It’s a technically solid performance, but honestly, it puts me to sleep. A Luthor Vandross Lullaby. The Judges like it, although Simon found it “wet”, which is British for “sucks a little.”

Casey James: “Don’t”

OK, so I’ve knocked Casey in the past as a typical Bar Band Singer. But I honestly have to give him some props tonight. It’s actually a nice, quiet performance, with just a hint of Blues. It’s a million times better than that Bob Segar lite we’ve seen from him. Well done, say I. The Judges agree, and Simon and Randy both think it’s his best performance. Then Simon has Casey molest Shania Twain on national television.

Crystal Bowersox: “No One Needs to Know”

Crystal, on the pimp stool, notes that Shania is “supersweet.” And Ryan drops this useful bit of nothing, “and she has really white teeth.” And Crystal was all like, “teeth are supposed to be white?” Crystal mentions that this song is an ode to her boyfriend, who she hopes will “step up someday.” Tabloids, commence dumpster diving.

It’s a typical Crystal performance: laid back, comfortable and pitch-perfect… And country, even. Not her greatest, but even her worst is better than most Top Twelvers best this season, let’s be serious. The Judges didn’t like it too much, but that’s only judging it on the Bowersoxscale. Or, conspiracy theory: perhaps they are trying to get fingers texting to prevent Crystal from being ousted early, a la Chris Daughtry?

Aaron Kelly: “You’ve Got a Way”

It’s all good and vocally sound, but just kinda boring. It’s a step up, because he’s at least believable singing the lyrics. Kara mentions that Aaron changed the line of the song. “when we made love,” because, Aaron is still sleeping in Power Rangers bed sheets. And also, he sang this song to his mom, apparently. Is there a way to combine “awww” and “ewww” in one word? Because I would like to do that at this juncture. The Judges, they all love it to pieces. They also decide he should be a country artist, because, why not? And also, no.

Siobhan Magnus: “Any Man of Mine”

Honestly, this performance is a little all over the place, much like Siobhan’s “hooker cowgirl meets Lillian August swatch catalog” outfit. Parts of it are good, parts of it are silly, and then she shrieks. Again. And, y’know, enough with that. The Judges all loved it, but Simon thought the scream sounded like she was “giving birth.”

So who’s going home? Hmm, really tough to guess based on tonight’s vocals. I’m actually guessing Big Mike will not be singing, “looks like we made it…”

Idol Recap :: "Alicia And The Off-Keys"

2010-04-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

Reality Blurred provides an awesome recap of the Past 7 Days of Idol: "Last week, Ryan Seacrest had a long day and went insane, and then threw Crystal under the bus to recover. Adam Lambert showed up to help out, or to get help, if you believe the producer’s bullshit. And as the show’s musical director quit, a rumor appeared that Paula Abdul might return, though that was quickly denied, thankfully. In the meantime, Kara DioGuardi stripped naked. "

If only the actual show were half as interesting this season. Two Idols were sent packing, as Andrew went back to fulfill his custodial destiny (hey, his father said it, not me!) and Muppet Katie shuffled off to find the rainbow connection.

Tonight's theme is "Songs of Inspiration" with guest mentor, Alicia Keys. The show is finally back to an hour (thank you, Jesus), and it moves like a freight train. So off we go....

Casey James: Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop”

Casey kinda shout-speak-sings the song. It's a lazy performance that you might see at your local Six Flaggs, sung by an animatronic jug band. And with that, Casey has downgraded himself from "Good Bar Band Singer" to "Theme Park Act." The Judges are underwhelmed, and Simon thought it was "unoriginal" and a "lazy song choice."

Lee DeWyze: Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Boxer”

Lee's in the pimp chair. Seacrest, in some sort of Barbara-Walters-lite interview, tries to wring pathos out of Andrew's departure; The bromance is over and there's no baby Gokeys for these two. Lee is singing Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Boxer”, looking like something from "The CW's Presents: A Streetcar Named Desire." Lee gives the song some genuine pathos, and his voice actually gives the song a unique quality unlike the Simon & Garfunklel classic. The swaybots waft their arms in silent agreement.

Randy says his season is different because "it's about artists this year." Artists with broken crayons that can't stay within the lines and color people purple. And by "artists", Randy means "people we never should have chosen in the top 24." The Judges all like it, and Simon thought it was "sincere, emotional" and "brilliant" even.

Tim Urban: Goo Goo Dolls’ “Better Days”

Alicia coaches Tim on singing the excellent pop ballad "Better Days," which has weathered well through the years. In practice, Tim is singing this by way of Peter, Paul & Mary. Y'know, all those better days in that land called Honah Lee?

Note: Teflon Tim's past songs have all included the word "love." This week, Tim flirts with danger, in a song that doesn't allow him to camera rape the tweeners. The performance? I'm inspired.... to turn off my TV. It's crazy erratic and off-key. Really bad, easily the worst of the night. The Judges didn't like it, but they just pat him on the head and basically say, "That was good on the Tim Urban scale of what is good."

Aaron Kelly: R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly”

It's like they tried to rebuild David Archeletta but ran out of parts. Aaron is talented, but in a bland-boring sort of way. The Judges like, except Simon thinks it wouldn't work very well "in the real world." Shhh, Simon, we don't talk about "the real world" on this show.

Siobhan Magnus: Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston’s “When You Believe”

You call upon the wrath of The Judges when you invoke the holy trinity of divas (Mariah, Whitney and Celine). Crazy-pants Siobhan invokes two at once. She also takes bubble baths with the toaster on the very edge of the tub.

Although, arguably, Whitney doesn't even sing like Whitney anymore judging from her recent concerts. And the lesson, kids, is this: Crack is whack. OK, so Siobhan actually sings it pretty well, from a technical perspective. The Judges throw out some mini-hate, because they are apparently done with her and the money's on the dresser. And Simon even hates on her Poison Ivy inspired costume. "I was distracted by the... leaves," he sniffs. Thanks for that.... thoughtful critique of her singing?

Michael Lynche: Chad Kroeger’s “Hero”

Big Mike gets some time on the pimp chair, barely fitting his large frame onto the tiny seat. Mike does his usual over-emoting. To be fair, it's good vocally, but I'm so over Big Mike's pompous attitude and preening faux-sincere performances. The Judges half-like; Kara didn't care for it and Simon thought it was "a little artificial." On Simon's scale, Heidi Montag would also qualify as "a little artificial."

Crystal Bowersox: The Impressions’ “People Get Ready”

Crystal takes the stage without an instrument tonight - and she does just fine. What is there to say anymore? Crystal is in a completely different league from the rest of the contestants. She flubs the last line as she actually cries! Nobody can say this gal is phony, that's for sure. The Judges love and Simon sums it up, "That was inspirational."

We only had to wait 54 minutes into our "inspirational" episode for an inspirational moment. Bravo, Show.

Ryan lends Crystal a tissue, and high fives her with both hands. I half-expect the screen to freeze with a producer credit, like some cornball 80s sitcom. I guess being thrown under a bus is fairly easily forgiven.

So who's going home? I'm guessing Tim will find the vote results... less than inspiring.

Idol Recap :: Ain't Nothin' But Hound Dawgs

2010-04-14T05:55:00.000-07:00

Last week, The Show doubled down on cheese and used "The Judge's Save" to spare Michael Lynche. The good news? Wednesday night is a double drive-by, where we'll say goodbye to two Idolers.

Even though we were promised a reduction in Swaybotitude, the show opens with Ryan high-fiving them while saying "'sup, 'sup, 'sup." Dear Ryan, you are not "street" and hair highlights do not count as "colors."

Tonight's songbook theme is Elvis hits. Which makes sense, because Elvis once shot his TV. Sort of like I feel like doing every Tuesday during Idol's ponderous ninth season.

And the guest mentor is Hot Tranny Elvis impersonator, Adam Lambert. You remember Adam from last year; The Show loved him to pieces and pushed him so hard, that everyone revolted and voted for Kris Allen. Adam brings his deep and meaningful eight-and-and-half months experience to the Remedial Idols. Imagine Ashlee Simpson imparting acting tips. It's something like that, with music and guyliner.

Ryan chats with Glambert, who rightfully notes that the contestants need to "wake up." And with that, part of me doesn't care that he looks like K.D. Lang and Bea Arthur's long-lost butch daughter. Ryan also mentions that Adam gained two inches (... with his hair) and compliments the Glam One on the length of his tongue. OK, Seacrest, it's gone from subtext to text at this point.

Crystal Bowersox, “Saved”

Adam hopes Crystal can "let her hair down and toss those dreads around a bit." Yes, PETA would thank you for freeing those poor fleas. Crystal brings a big bluesy energy to the song in a pitch-perfect performance, once again separating herself from the pack. The Judges rightfully love.

Andrew Garcia, “Hound Dog”

Adam tells Andrew his version of "Hound Dog" was boring, and urges him to "make it yours." Careful, Adam, in such advice lies madness. And yup, Andrew sings the song like a 45 record played at 33 speed (look it up, my millennial bitches). It's weird and slow, and devoid of any energy or swagger. In other words, Epic Fail (look it up, my Gen X bitches). The Judges found it lacking, and Simon thinks all of Andrew's "coolness has been sucked out of him."

Tim Urban, “Can’t Help Falling in Love”

Although Kara thinks Tim "doesn't understand," I think he understands plenty. Case in point: picking a song with the title, "Can't Help Falling in Love," once again locking the tween vote, and hypnotizing Glambert into thinking he's hitting all the right notes. And suddenly, the Glam One is mooning over Teflon Tim like Marcia Brady at a Davy Jones concert. Boy, look what you've done to him.

Tim actually does a pretty good job with the song overall, almost giving it a quiet James Taylor guitar vibe. Or, in Idol terms, a Jason Castro vibe. Probably his best performance. The Judges agree, and Simon says that Tim has "gone from zero to hero."

Lee DeWyze, “A Little Less Conversation”

Adam tells Lee to smile a little. An unsmiling Lee agrees. The performance is overall good, as each week Lee figures his shit out before a national audience. Per usual, he doesn't hit 100% of the notes, but it's original and cool and contemporary. So once again, the sum of these slightly disjointed parts works. The Judges like it, and Simon notes it was "on the money, full stop." Do they say things like that in Britain? Sometimes I think Simon makes up phrases to toy with the lowly Yanks.

Aaron Kelly, “Blue Suede Shoes”

Adam wants Aaron to growl and and "grab it." And then he counsels him on his song, too.

I have to give Aaron some credit this week. He takes the stage in a turned up collar and swaggers around, growling and giving the song some bluesy energy. But ultimately, it's still just a Star Search kid performance. Aaron is this season's 'lil Idol. Vocally sound, but nothing unique. The Judges like, except Simon, who thought it was "unoriginal" and "karaoke."

Siobhan Magnus, “Suspicious Minds”

Adam wants Siobhan to give the song more "ooomph." Let's hope "ooomph" isn't Siobhanese for "shriek." Siobhan can sing, but the song is sorta a mish-mosh or showy scream-notes and normal singing. The Judges are mixed, and Simon thinks it was "erratic" and "shrieky."

Back from commercial, Ryan mentions that forgotten first season co-host Brian Dunkleman will be hosting part of "Idol Gives Back." But, guffaw, he's only kidding. And in some KFC breakroom, the human trivia note known as Dunkleman shakes his fist at the television ruefully.

Michael Lynche, “In the Ghetto”

Big Mike looks like he mugged Jason Mraz and Elvis Costello on the way to practice, sporting thick-rimmed glasses and a jaunty hat. Big Mike over-emotes the song, and slows it down to a crawl. The Judges, however, liked it.

Katie Stevens, “Baby What Do You Want Me to Do”

Katie practices the song dressed like a Bratz doll, bringing the same amount of raw energy to her performance. Katie takes the stage looking like a Persian cabbie's dashboard threw up on her dress. It's all fake baby-doll attitude, like B.B. King by way of Vanessa Hudgens. The Judges sort laugh through some soft critiques and Simon adds, "I found it loud and kind of annoying."

Casey James, “Lawdy Miss Clawdy”

Holding court in the Land Of The Swaybots, Casey towers above them as Mayor of Bland. It's an OK performance, like all of Casey's lite-Blues bar-band forget-me-yeses. The Judges are all like "meh" and "shrug", but they use actual words.

Now we get to watch "Glee," where young people can actually sing well and be interesting at the same time, a multi-tasking feat lost on Idol's ninth season.

So which two are going home? I'm guessing that Andrew and Katie are Returned To Sender.

Idol Recap :: Abbey Road To Hell

2010-04-06T21:54:00.000-07:00

Last week's one hour commercial for "Clash of the Titans" also contained some American Idol eliminations business. Also, Usher sang something and P. Diddy emerged with a troubling third personality. Oh, and the beleaguered Didi Benami was sent packing, while Teflon Tim emerged unscathed. And Sam Worthington looks to be as bored with this season as the rest of us.

Speaking of which, Seacrest brought up Tim Urban’s smiling in the face of criticism, and asked Kara DioGuardi what she thought. “I don’t think he understands what we’re saying,” she said, basically calling him dumb as a stump. I'd feel bad, except, Tim didn’t understand what she was saying.

In other news, Entertainment Weekly confirms that Adam Lambert will serve as guest mentor on the April 13 episode. No doubt imparting his intense and meaningful advice on how to properly apply black nail polish. Who's the next mentor, Show? Ke$ha? Ashley Simpson? The surviving member of Villi Vanilli?

This week, The Lennon-McCartney songbook is back to take a beating. There's a video message from Paul McCartney, who obviously hasn't seen Season Nine's crop of singers. And somewhere, in John Lennon's grave, there's more spinning than three seasons of Lynda Carter's "Wonder Woman."

Also tonight, each individual’s taped package involves getting a character assessment from the other eight. Which are about as insightful as Mario Lopez "reporting" for EXTRA.

Aaron Kelly, “The Long and Winding Road”
All the Idolers joke that Aaron is like Yoda, or something, and it's as non-hilarious as it sounds. The performance? It's all fine and good vocally, I suppose, but in presentation.... boring. Sleepy. Snooze-worthy. Like, tonight Aaron is human Ambien. The Judges are all like "zzzzzzzz" with words.

Katie Stevens, “Let It Be”
Katie's in the pimp chair talking about her 5 prom offers - and it's like a really bad issue of "Betty & Veronica." Hmmm, Aaron was everyone's little brother and Katie is like everyone's little sister, so say the fellow Idolers. The insights I've gleaned here are incomparable. Katie sings "Let It Be", and it's like another dose of Ambien. The judges all think it was awesome and Katie's blossoming. Blossoming like a weed.

Andrew Garcia, “Can’t Buy Me Love”
The Idolers say Andrew is a big goofball and always makes us laugh. Yup, I howled when he sang "Genie In A Bottle" and chuckled all through his "I Heard It Through The Grapevine." That dude is hi-larious. Andrew sings "Can't Buy Me Love." I'm not sure what to make of this; In spots, it almost approaches something that might have been interesting in a parallel universe... but other parts, it's like a bad carnival cruise version. The result? A bit of a muddled mess with a couple of good parts.

Michael Lynche, “Eleanor Rigby”
The huge insights about Big Mike? He's big and snores. Oh, the things we learn. He was also part of a black family band called "The Lynche Mob." Isn't that like Sharon Tate's family forming "The Helter Skleter Goodtime Music Crew"?

Mike sings "Eleanor Rigby." He's telling this melancholy story, but he's pointing and posing like a pimp playa. Imagine Ving Rhames singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider." It's something like that. The arrangement is overwrought. Way too showy and broad for this song. The whole thing is overcooked and left in the oven for a hour. Sidenote: David Cook sang this much better two seasons ago.

The judges are once again grading on a curve, loving it to pieces. Only Simon brings the smelling salts, citing it as "something from a musical" and "over the top." Then Big Mike challenges Simon to a "pecs contests," and suddenly, I have nightmare visions of four man boobs. Also, Big Mike tends to deflect criticism by saying "Look, muscles." Your muscles don't do the singing, asshat. Seriously, I've had enough of the Jolly Black Giant.

Crystal Bowesox, “Come Together”
Crystal has a cold. Every week, there's a new illness this season. What's next on this show, the Black Plague? Or, please, the "28 Days Later" zombie disease? Because then I'd totally be into this season.

Mamasox sings "Come Together" quite nicely, and once again proves she's the only consistently good thing about this season. She switches the song up, but in a way that suits her style. And accompanied by a didgeridoo, no less.

Tim Urban, “All My Loving”
Everyone talks about Tim's frozen Joker perma-grin. It's so endearing. And by endearing, I mean creepy. Tim's not as dumb as he looks, picking another love song so all the tweens swoon and vote-dial on their Hello Kitty phones until their little fingers bleed. The Judges try a new strategy: Tim gets good marks. Conspiracy Theory: decent reviews make voters complacent. Vote For The Worst warns us to keep voting.

Back from commercial. Ryan walks over to audience members David Boreanez and Emily Deschenal to plug "Bones." This season's Lacey Brown - who was first voted off - is sitting right next to Deschenal, but gets no mention whatsoever. You are dead to us, whore.

Casey James, “Jealous Guy”
Casey is alike a soap opera star and has blond, flowing hair, they tell us. The revelations tonight, I tell you. Casey sings "Jealous Guy." In the original, John Lennon made the song a painful but sweet ode to the green eyed monster. Casey's version removes those soft melodies and turns it into something akin to White Lion's "Jealous Guy." It's vocally competent, but misguided. Come to think of it, that kinda describes Casey, too.

Truth time. If you went to a bar, and Casey was singing some of this lite-Blues, you would think it sounded like a pretty good cover band. But the second Casey is trying to hawk his CD in said bar, you'd think, "Well, I'm not buying this stuff." And that's Casey. Good-enough cover song singer, and that's about it.

The Judges all love it to pieces. It's like they all recalibrated their expectations to compensate for this sucky season.

Siobhan Magnus, “Across the Universe”
Everyone reveals that Siobhan is weird. Y'know, for the benefit of those of us without eyes. Siobhan sings "Across The Universe" quite nicely -- although also evokes the extreme theme of narcolepsy tonight. It's sorta puts me to sleep. A theme of this season, actually. I am amused that Siobhan is swathed in the remainder of Bjork's Swan dress. The Judges like, but only sort of.

Lee Dewyze, “Hey Jude”
Lee always thinks he's going home and has apparently started a bromance with Andrew. Crystal gets the line of the night with, "I’m Glad Those Two Can Be Together, Get Married, and Have Lots of Little Danny Gokey Babies." Oh Crystal, I love you a little bit for that, even if you are a flea-bitten, dreadlocked creature that looks like your address reads "under a bridge."

Lee's "Hey Jude" is sorta OK in spots, and a little pitchy (ahem) and off-kilter in other spots. But look: Bagpipes! And just like that, they disappear into the Scottish Mist. Random much? Kara sorta sums it up, "there was some bad moments, but overall, I'm still a fan."

So who's going home? I'm actually guessing Teflon Tim's Song-Massacre Mystery Tour is over.

Idol Recap :: "Soul Sucking"

2010-03-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday's Idol started all comic book cover blurby - with big red letters that read "ANOTHER IDOL MUST FALL." Dramatic much? And why only one? Cuz I would totally back up "Four Idols Must Fall."

This "Crisis of Infinite Idols" began with a group sing of Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go, Go," which managed the nigh impossible task of being even cornier than the original video. It's also auto-tuned within an inch of its life, betraying any notion that this is happening in the now. And the Idolers mouths match the words less than Speed Racer ever did.

Paige gets the lowest votes, and in a move that is simultaneously merciful and insulting, Simon dashes any hope that they will use "The Judge's Save" - before Paige even sings a note. “I don’t want to give you any false hope here," Simon sniffs, "It’s the end.” If only, Simon, We have like 10 weeks to go. Or, as Reality Blurred summarized, "Paige Miles out, but American Idol 9 still sucks."

This week's theme is Soul and R&B. During the week, I had nightmares of Andrew Garcia reimagining Rihanna's "Umbrella." Usher is the guest mentor, taking precious time in between his albums and porn tapes.

Siobhan Magnus "Through The Fire"

Siobhan meets Usher looking like Carol Seaver thrown into a blender and set to "anime." Her rendition of "Through The Fire" is a bit of an uneven mix, all in preparation to deliver yet another “Siobhan Shriek.” The judges didn't much care for it and Simon was like, stop screaming already.

Casey James "Hold On I'm Coming"
Usher describes Casey's voice, saying he has a great tool. Meanwhile, Kara gets the squishees thinking of Casey's tool. Me? I just think Casey is a tool. He sings "Hold On, I'm Coming" with a bluesy authority, but it's still a sort of "really good bar band" performance. The judges like it, because relativity is everything this season.

Michael Lynche "Ready For Love"
You just knew, with R&B week, that Big Mike was gonna sing some song about sweetly sexing up some fine lady, right? Usher tells him to sell it to the back row, and shows him how by date raping the camera. Mike is thankfully less loungey this week, and actually gives a solid lactose-free performance, although it lasts 100 years and a day. The judges like it, and Simon even thinks Mike had a moment. (Really now, Cowell?)

Didi Benami "What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted"
Didi gets mushy during practice sessions with Usher, because the song is meaningful to her. It probably reminds her of her dead friend she mentioned during auditions. Unfortunately, this kills her performance, turning it into a sad, warbly dirge. Apparently, what becomes of the broken hearted, is that they sing badly on nationally televised talent shows. The judges didn't like. Ryan tries to get Didi to tell the "dead friend" story, but she refuses to go there. Props to her for that.

Tim Urban "Sweet Love"
Ryan interviews Tim on the pimp stool, where they talk about how the press has dubbed him "Teflon Tim," due to his staying power and, y'know, marginal talent. Usher encourages Tim to imagine him as a woman he's loved... or something. What? Is Usher now busting moves originated by Season Seven's pick-up artist, Andrew Llyod Weber? Careful, Tim, or you'll end up in Usher's next video. Home video, if you know what I mean.

Tim starts the song sitting pensively on the Idol stairs, as if to say, "take me seriously, bitches." But we can't, as Tim quickly devolves into a cruise ship style performance, with pleading puppy dog eyes. It's rather mild and inoffensive, but also, notsogood. No wonder Vote For The Worst is backing Teflon Timmy. The judges don't like it, and Simon sums up the whole situation by saying, "I don't think it makes any difference whatsoever what we say to you Tim. It was completely an inappropriate song, it was like a mouse picking a fight with an elephant, you're not going to win. But it doesn't matter because you're going to smile, the audience is going to vote for you. Nobody cares, you're going to be here next week, so well done."

Andrew Garcia "Forever"
Thankfully, this week, Andrew doesn't try and reinvent a song by mercilessly massacring it. Nor does he give us a weird Telemundo cover version. Instead, he sings a song actually suited for him. The judges are just grateful he didn't suck. Because, that's enough this season. Simon says it was good, but Andrew runs the risk of being "boring." At this, Andrew's mama emerges from the crowd, having apparently slain a zebra on the way over to the studio, now wearing its skin as a prize. She's delivering a sassy melange of "Oh no you di'int" and "I'm on TV and talking to Simon."

Katie Stevens "Chain of Fools"

Katie taking on Aretha Franklin is like Heidi Montag trying to be like, a super-serious actress and stuff. Which is to say, "Darlin', this shit won't stand." It's basically a big song delivered by a little girl - as Katie struts the stage like a Hooker Muppet.

Lee Dewyze "Treat Her Like A Lady"
Lee talk to Ryan on the pimp stool, all nervous. Lee rehearses with Usher, all nervous. Lee's biggest issue? The dude is nervous. The good news is that he sings "Treat Her Like A Lady" quite well, giving it a rough edge that suits his voice. The judges rightfully like it. Me? I'm hoping for a Dewylsox finale.

Crystal Bowersox "Midnight Train To Georgia"
Crystal drops the guitar in favor of the piano this week. Not her best performance, but against the Redial Idols, it's like Celine Dion pounding her chest at the Oscars. S'all good. Judges like it, but Simon advises her, “Don’t let this competition turn you into something you’re not.” On this show? Hello, irony. Nice to see you again. Thanks for dropping by.

Aaron Kelly "Ain't No Sunshine"
Also memorably sung by Kris Allen last season. Archie 2.0 tackles the song, and while it's ok, it's also rather bland and boring. Put him back in the oven, the boy ain't fully baked yet. EW.com puts it best, "And even though none of the judges could be bothered to mention his name, it needs to be said that when it comes to the Idol stage, “Ain’t No Sunshine” belongs to season 8 champ Kris Allen. And it was not fun to watch a child scribble over his legacy with a magic marker, thank you very much."

So tonight's episode wasn't as horrible as last week, but remained maddeningly middling. It's perhaps a worse offense, as I prefer either "so bad it's entertaining" or "actually good." Le sigh.

So who's going home? I think Teflon Tim might have another week in him, so I'm guessing it's bye-bye to Didi.

Idol Recap :: "The Worst Of All Worlds"

2010-03-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday's results show was a strange cocktail indeed.

First, Season Seven Winner David Cook returned to the Idol stage. He showed these Remedial Idols how to do a Rolling Stone song - with a confident cover of “Jumping Jack Flash."

Next, Orianthi performs, who Ryan introduces - without a whit of irony - as one of music's "newest pioneers." If by pioneer, you mean Taylor Swift wannabe, then, yeah.

Orianthi sings "According To You," which tells the tale of a girl berated by her current boyfriend, while another guy puts her on a pedestal. Sample lyric? "According to you / I’m stupid / I’m useless / I can’t do anything right." By the end of the song, she's still with this neanderthal, while nice guy remains on the hook (just ask Ted Mosby's friends). Throw in a pick-up truck and this woulda been a perfect country song. And the lesson to tween girls everywhere is: Stay in verbally abusive relationships, but complain about them. Bravo, recording industry.

We also meet an entity known only as Ke$ha. I'm irked just typing that pretentious dollar sign; She's even managed to be annoying via punctuation. Her performance? Take a genetic sample of the vapid Sharpay from "High School Musical." Now splice it with the DNA of Pizzazz, evil music rival of Jem and the Holograms. Finally, remove the talent genome. The result is this 'Lil Lady Gaga's "Blah, Blah, Blah," which simultaneously offends television sets, Native Americans and anyone with working eardrums.

Oh, and one of this season's Red Shirts, Lacey Brown, got the lowest votes. She was forced to sing for her life to get the coveted "Judge's Save," still one of the show's cruelest twists. Who are we kidding? They are reserving that for Crystal Bowersox this season. All the others? All those sing-monkeys are missing is a pair of cymbals or an organ grinder. As a result, Lacey's performance is the musical version of Spider's short-lived bar tending gig in Goodfellas. Only with less dignity. She's out.

Tonight's ep begins with another Family Feud style opening. Judges enter and engage in tomfoolery. Simon patronizes Kara. Ryan goes faux-butch on Simon again. Randy, as usual, atrophies in his chair. Rinse, lather, repeat.

This week, the sucktitude of this season is underlined by tonight's guest judge: Miley Cyrus. Who better to give advice than a marginally-talented singer who owes her entire career to a string-pulling father? Well, at least Miley's singing skills are twice as good as her acting skills. And that means everything it implies. "The Best Of Both Worlds," my ass. Taking musical advice from Miley Cyrus is tantamount to soliciting dating tips from Jennifer Aniston. Is The Show officially mocking the contestants now?

The top 11 theme is Billboard #1 Hits. And I'm at least thankful the Idolers aren't choosing from Hannah Montana's Greatest Hits collection. Miley wants people to take her seriously, and goes on to say, nuzzled in her leopard skin chair, "I know that what I think is what my art feels." No, that's not a typo. The girl is either deep or moronic, you decide (hint: she's not deep). She then talks about this season's contestants, "I know how talented they are. I was like, how am I going to go here and tell them what they're doing wrong? I don't see it. I don't see that they're doing anything wrong." That whooshing sound is what's left of Miley's credibility flying out the window.

Suddenly Avril Lavigne as a guest judge - devil horn sweat jacket hoodie and all -seems like Aretha Franklin by comparison.

Lee Dewyze "The Letter"
Lee practices with Miley, dressed like an actor playing a thug on the CW's "Smallville." Talks about his nerves and problems with onstage presence, which has been his main problem. The horns and back-up singers provide a nice complement to Lee's gravely voice. It's a bit of a jazzier, bluesier version, but overall, this works. (Although Lee is still a clumsy performer.) The judges like it, but Ellen uses up what seems like half the show's running time with a dull pen analogy. Simon didn't think it was great, and even was a "little corny," and still wants a "moment" from Lee. I fear Lee is still a few weeks off from a moment. I also fear that this season, asking for a "moment" is a wish you need to make on wee Ryan's Pot o' Gold.

Paige Miles "Against All Odds"
Paige gets the pimp stool this week (they must sorta like her; just wait, Show, just wait). Paige was starstruck over Miley, so we know she's an idiot in addition to being a murderer of Michael Jackson songs. Remember a few weeks ago, when Paige manslaughtered Jackson's "Smile"? Well, that's just a minor misdemeanor compared to what she does to Phil Collins' "Against All Odds." The atrocities she commits.... it's like "The Last House On The Left" set to music. Brutal, yo. Paige's "singing" is thin, warbly, off-key and uneven. I can't tell if her voice is still suffering, or if the girl done plain massacred another song. The judges rightfully hate it, with Ellen mustering up a feeble "you didn't fall down" as the only compliment. And the audience cheers at Paige NOT falling down, because they are dumb asshats. Sadly, it may be the only thing to cheer about tonight.

Tim Urban "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
When Ryan announced that Tim Urban was going to sing Queen, I thought this entire season had to be one big episode of "Punk'd." But he's only singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," which is probably the easiest Queen song to sing. Miley is encouraging Tim to switch it up, and he goes into some weird ragtime version of the song in auditions. Miley's encouraging words "mean a lot" to Tim. Which makes Tim either a liar or a fool.

Tim's version is strictly karaoke, punctuated by some elementary choreography. It's like the Las Vegas Junior High School Musical. Tim slides (literally!) into the Aryan Mosh Pit of Estrogen, where the swaybots give Tim emotional support. They are saving everything else for marriage. The whole thing is vocally so-so and grossly amateur hour. The judges think it was "High School Musical"-ish, but why needlessly insult "High School Musical" like that? Hate the player, not the game, Show. Tim, only your shirtless internet photos on "Vote For The Worst" can save you now.

Aaron Kelly "I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing"
Aaron has a little crush on Miley, and he gets all squishy that Miley liked his audition of "The Climb." Um, is Aaron 16 years old, or 6 years old? He probably has Hannah Montana bedsheets. Aaron is creeping on Miley all through practice sessions. He finally scores a hug and gets his very first semi. Idol does indeed give back.

Aaron is singing Aerosmith's overplayed "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing." Aaron almost considers goin' a little bit country mid-song, then reconsiders. It's OK-ish, but pretty vanilla overall. The judges like it, and like his song choice. Aaron also gets a partial-pass based on the fact that he's sick this week.

Crystal Bowersox "Me and Bobby McGee"
Like Crystal needs Miley's advice. Crystal says she's having "powerful, beautiful women sign her guitar." But then she asks Miley to sign it, too.

Janis Joplin is the perfect artist for Crystal. "It's right in her pocket," as Paula might say between meds. Ironically, in singing a song from the boozy mess that is Janis Joplin, Crystal looks like she's actually combed her hair and changed her dirty granny panties. Oh yeah, it's secret makeover week, where all the Idolers are primped and preened to look Top 10 ready. The performance is, of course, very solid. Judges love. Mamasox is clearly light years ahead of her fellow Idolers.

Michael Lynche "When a Man Loves a Woman"
On the results show, Big Mike seemed nonplussed at the critiques of his performance. He said "my people" enjoyed it. Apparently, he has people now. And while Big Mike is indeed a good singer, it comes with a grande helping of fromage. We get a rendition of "When a Man Loves a Woman" that drips or orange-hued Velveeta. Randy and Ellen like it, but Kara and Simon thought it was a little "loungey."

Andrew Garcia "I Heard it Through the Grapevine"
On meeting Miley, Andrew skillfully describes it as "being cool to meet someone on that level." "Level." Ably dodged, Garcia. You get to leave with your dignity... for the moment.

Oh, sadly, that dignity flits away once Andrew hit the stage. Continuing the painful parade of reinvented songs, Andrew somehow gives "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" a soul-ectomy. All the smooth Motown groove is replaced with a tuneless sing-speak Telemundo version. Watch for this performance on Clippos Magnifico! It's the totally wrong song choice. The judges didn't like it, and Simon agrees with me, noting that Andrew "sucked the soul out of that song [...] and tortured it." Andrew, maybe your dad was right about those custodian keys.

Katie Stevens "Big Girls Don’t Cry"
Katie is singing Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry," the damnably infectious pop song. Katie is a good-ish singer for being 16 years, but girlfriend needs more time to hone her skills. Her performance is full of bum notes and pitch problems. In short, it's a big song for a little girl. The judges mostly think it's an improvement over last week, although Kara does call it "mad pitchy." Okay, now they're just grading on the curve.

Casey James "Power of Love"
Casey meets Miley and tell her he's a huge fan.... of her dad! Ooooh, Snap! As Liz Lemon would say, "spit take!" Casey is singing Huey Lewis' "Power of Love." I think he's made a poor song choice, as this song and arrangement is a departure from his bluesy success last week. This performance is bland-bar-band, and does nothing to impress. The judges shockingly like it, except Simon, who says it was like "an 80s cover band" with "nothing original" about it. Simon is apparently the only judge who hasn't been tainted by the sucktitude of the lesser Top Twelvers.

Didi Benami "You’re No Good"
Didi is one of the Top Twelvers that actually almost gets it... sometimes. We just never know if we are going to get "Good Didi" or "Bad Didi." Will we get nice Didi or Mirror Universe Didi? Bender-Didi or Flexo-Didi? Phoebe-Didi or Ursula-Didi? Samantha-Didi or Serena-Didi? Jamie Summer Didi or Lisa Galloway Didi? Give yourself a cookie if you get all those references.

We get mostly "Good Didi," although it's never anything great. The judges all hate on it, which is rather unfair. There were worse performances tonight - and Didi - although not great - didn't deserve this much venom. Simon even dubs her the "new Lacey." Didi, wear the Red Shirt in good health. Until the alien spores get you, that is.

Siobhan Magnus "Superstition"
Siobhan practices with Miley looking like Violet, Screech's nerdy paramour from "Save By The Bell." Siobhan is apparently a level-12 freak, if you read between the lines of Didi Benami's comments. Or, as Vote For The Worst would say, "You know you're weird when rooming with Crystal Bowersox, who looks like she hasn't had a bath in 6 months and has a family of squirrels living in her hair, is a better option than living with the freakiness that is Siobhan Magnus."

Siobhan struts on stage looking like Crocket's wife, Sheena Easton, from the withering 1987-1988 season of "Miami Vice." It's mostly good, but Siobhan gives us a screech mid-song. Unfortunately, it's more like last season's Gokey-like "Scream On" than an Adam Lambert stylized wail. The judges like (relativity is Siobhan's friend) - but Simon cautions them all to step it up.

Simon's sage words that sum up this entire episode: "it was not a good night." This was, to be blunt, the worst episode in American Idol history, with the worst set of Top Twelvers I think the Show has ever seen.

So who's going home? Damn, I'd send 'em all home except for Lee, Siobhan and Crystal. But if I have to choose only one, I'd have to say I'd lay "Odds" that Paige is gone. So take a look at her now. 'Cuz next week, I expect an empty space.

Idol Recap :: Satisfaction Not A Guarantee

2010-03-16T22:35:00.000-07:00

America, this is your Top Twelve. Did someone change the definition of the word "top" when I wasn't looking? Because I still see the likes of Aaron Kelly, Katie Stevens, Paige Mills and Tim Urban. Meanwhile, the quirky and interesting Lilly Scott was criminally eliminated, along with talented but awkward Alex Lambert (who was getting better every week). Alas, those bananas will not ripen on this stage (don't ask, it was an Ellen joke. And when I say "Ellen" and "joke," I do feel like I need to put the word "joke" in quotes).

I fear with all these sad singers, we're in for a boring season (despite Ryan Seacrest's assertions of every season being comprised of the "most talented group ever"). Instead of season five's sublime mix of Chris Daughtry, Elliot Yamin, Katherine McPhee, Madisa, Paris Bennett and Bucky Covington - we get a strange melange of like-quality Idolers such as Matt Rogers, NikkiMcKibbin, John Stevens, Dian DeGarmo, Haley Scarnato and Kristy Lee Cook. Who, you say? Exactly. The musical equivalents of Zima, the Edsel, and Cop Rock. Only less successful.

Part of it stems from a crop of contestants now reared on American Idol. whose first season launched many moons ago, when Brian Dunkleman walked the stage and Justin still texted Kelly (They would now Skype, if Justin could afford such luxuries on a Taco Bell salary). As such, contestants seem to think good singing means ridiculous runs that last 'til Thursday (Hi,Jermaine Sellers). Or that a hipster hat or a tussled hairstyle can imbue you with the musical talents of a Justin Timberlake or Carole King (Hello, Katelyn Epperly). Or "making a song your own" consists of removing all its energy and melody (Hey, Todrick Hall's unrecognizable Bobby Brown-like “Since U Been Gone”). Or that "being a throwback" is great until the Judges decide it's not (Sorry,poor Tyler Grady). Dear Idol, what have you wrought?

In other Idol season shockers, this will be Simon's last season. We've also welcomed the nice but painfully unfunny Ellen as the NuPaula. Meanwhile, Kara has caught something from Paula's toilet seat, creeping on Casey James while blubbering over Big Mike. But some things remain comfortably the same: Randy is still useless. Dawg.

The show begins with a Family Feud inspired opening, introducing the judges. Then the contestants emerge all shiny and new for Top 12 TV. In the immortal words of Richard Dawson, "Let's play the Feud!"

In tonight's two-hour (!) musical massacre, we're treated (?) to songs from the Rolling Stones catalog. Because nothing says "contemporary" better than a bunch of drugged-up preening mummies. Tonight, expect less "Satisfaction" (the Rolling Stones famous rock ballad) and more "Satisfaction" (Justine Bateman's tepid teen opus to girl rockers). Click on that second link. I dare you.

Michael Lynche "Miss You"
"Big Mike" is one of the season's favorites, according to the Judges. I see the appeal, only relative to the rest of these sorry sisters. It's like being the thinnest kid at Fat Camp. Or having the best teeth in all of England.

Michael's background reel reveals family ties and inappropriate use of scarves. Big Mike gives the song a sorta R&B swagger. It's OK, but the performance is a little cheesy. Like, Big Mike may sing at your wedding in a Vegas chapel. The judges like it enough, although Simon thought it was "kind of corny." And yeah, I can't disagree.

Didi Benami "Play With Fire"

Didi Benami is one of those inconsistent Idol contestants. It's sometimes good, and sometimes not so good. Her rendition of "Play With Fire" falls somewhere in the middle. It's a little sharp in spots. Plus, she keeps saying Fi-YUR instead of fire. The judges all like it, even Simon. They call it "dark." Didi says that's due to living in L.A. And watching the entire American Idol season nine on an endless loop.

Casey James "It's All Over Now"
Casey James is the guitar strummer that Kara almost Corey Clarked, before her clearer head prevailed. Now she just creeps on him from afar. Casey was raised by the waitress mom from "True Blood", by all appearances. More family smooshies.

Casey goes full-tilt country blues with this one. It's pretty good, I suppose. Ellen says, "For most women, their hearts are going to start racing just looking at you. But then for people like me... [pause]" And the judges all laugh uproariously because if she said the word "ho-mo-sexual" on this show, the universe would apparently collapse upon itself. Tee-Hee. The judges like, but Simon think "it needs to be more than that." And, I've been saying that about this whole season so far.

Lacey Brown "Ruby Tuesday"
One of this season's Red Shirts, Lacey is not long for this show. In Lacey's clip reel her life changed when she heard someone say, "If you remain shy, you will miss your destiny." Did "Lost"'s Jacob touch her too? Hey Lacey, tell us the meaning of the four-toed statue!

Lacey's version of "Ruby Tuesday" is mildly OK in spots, partly playing to her little girl vocals. Randy thought it was so-so, Ellen gives stage direction, Kara had issues with the notes and Simon thinks she's in danger of doing the same thing every week. Lacey, those weird alien space flowers are preparing their poisonous pollen as we speak.

Andrew Garcia "Gimme Shelter"
Poor Andrew Garcia peaked early - all Leif Garrett like - with his surprisingly fresh spin on Paula Abdul's "Straight Up." The Judges (and viewers) loved it. Since then, that song has hung over each of his subsequent performances like a spectre-bitch. Nothing has measured up. Neither his wrong-headed remake of Christina Aguilera's "Genie In A Bottle", nor his strangely-stripped-down (and for Andrew, ironically-named) "Sugar We're Going Down." I picture Andrew holed up in his room - Norma Desmond style - repeatedly watching his old "Straight Up" performance, as he bitterly recalls that faded glory. Someone stop him before he sings an A cappella version of Miley Cyrus' "Party In The USA."

Clip reel reveals Andrew and his parents' gang-banger past. And when Andrew's dad saw him playing with keys, he thought his son would grow up to be a custodian. That's thinking small. I mean, McDonald's managers have lots of keys, too. Andrew's version of "Gimme Shelter" is OK, but lacks the power of Mick Jagger's original version. Randy didn't like it much. Kara has a good point about it lacking "passion." Simon thought it was OK, and gives Andrew a pass for all the mixed criticism he's received.

Katie Stevens "Wild Horses"
This, instead of Lilly Scott. The kitten, instead of the tiger. Katie's clip reel. She lives in Middlebury Connecticut where she claims "there's not a lot to do" and she is absolutely, totally, beyond "1000% right", as my father would say, damning all mathmatical correctness. Footage of Katie and her brother singing at a wedding. And Randy not there to say, "It was a little pitchy,dawg." Cuz he woulda been right.

Katie sings the song technically fine. She hits a glory note at the end that may keep her in the running. It's actually a good song for her. The judges mostly like, even Simon.

Tim Urban "Under My Thumb"
It's like American Idol's version of Justin Bieber - but with less talent. I will pause as that dark thought swirls around in your head. The joke will be on me when Tim Urban sings the first note of "We Are The World" version 3.0 in the year 2035. And that future will be worse than the entirety of "Terminator: Salvation."

We get a UB-40 version of "Under My Thumb" by Tim. It's a weird choice, and it mighta been sold by a Jason Mraz. But owning a version like this -- it's a little out of Tim's league. The judges didn't like it, but they applauded Tim's try at originality. Simon sums it up, "It just didn't work." Tim, only your "Tiger Beat" looks will save you now.

Siobhan Magnus "Paint It Black"
Siobhan Magnus - despite possessing a name that sound like she should be battling the X-Men - tends to surprise. Especially in this lackluster season.

Siobhan gives a classic, solid, early-season Idol performance. It starts slow. It builds. She hits a crazy note (and doesn't quite hit it but "shhh"). Ends somber. The camera swings around with 360 spin. The rocker lights flash and blink as if to say, "this rocks, bitches." The judges like. Kara is hyp-no-tized by the rocker lights into thinking it was Adam Lambert level. Simon thinks it's the best of the night. I tend to agree. But this season, it's not saying much.

Lee Dewyze: “Beast of Burden”

Lee has the potential to be a dark horse in this competition. He's definitely got the commercially-viable voice. It's just everything else he's lacking. Like, confidence, consistency and stage presence.

Lee gives us a cool-guitar slowed down version of "Beast of Burden." Of all the performances, I think it's the most contemporary and relevant song interpretation. It's like something Rob Thomas or even Rascal Flatts might do with the song. His vocals need a little fine tuning, but the overall gestalt of the thing works. Lee might actually be the guy to back this season. The judges like it, but Simon thinks Lee needs "a moment" and asserts Lee is a great singer. I think he'll get that moment at some point.

Paige Miles: “Honky Tonk Women”

Paige Mills somehow escaped criminal charges from last week's brutal massacre of Michael Jackson's "Smile". Investigations are ongoing. The good news, this week, is that Paige proves she can actually sing. She gives the song a bit of a bluesy edge, with a touch of smoke in her voice. Overall, it works. The judges mostly like (especially since Paige has laryngitis).

Aaron Kelly: “Angie”

Or, as I like to call him, David Archuleta 2.0. Aaron essentially took the Alex Lambert chair, which is a shame because Alex had more overall potential. Aaron sings the boring "Angie" well enough, as the Swaybots wave their arms in uniform approval. It was a good song choice for Aaron, and the judges all like it.

Crystal Bowersox: “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”
Crystal is the clear frontrunner in this (very) little race. And while technically good, I can't shake the feeling that we've seen and heard many wannabes in her same league. She's like one of those very, very good singers you see in a blues club. She's also showed up all "fully baked", which can sometimes be the kiss of death on this show. Case in point: The bespeckled Danny Gokey, who flatlined while he got overconfident. And kids, the lesson is: Don't be a douche like Danny Gokey.

Crystal takes the stage confidently, with guitar in hand. It all sounds good and right. Crystal knows exactly how to work the song, changing it up when needed and riffing with conviction. As Ellen mentions, "it's effortless." And Simon mentions she's the "clear favorite", although "Siobhan did her one better," Simon sniffs.

Crystal is wearing a Lily Scott memorial feather earring in her hair, and I have to love her a little for that. Also, I think Simon may be backing Crystal, but unleashing a little psychological warfare. After, you know, last season's entire pimping of Adam Lambert resulted in a massive upset.

So who's going home?

Katie and Tim are two of the weakest, but the tweens kept them in this far. I'm gonna guess that Paige won't have much to "Smile" about.

Idol Recap :: Allenized

2009-05-20T18:51:00.000-07:00

8:01: The two-hour extrava-meh begins with Ryan introducing us to the two finalists, Kris Allen and Adam Lampert. They just returned from 1999, where they apparently raided the closets of the Backstreet Boys.

8:03: Judges introductions: Randy looks like he just auditioned for the role of "Shoe Shine guy #2" in "Newsies"; Kara is sporting her power-diva earrings; Paula is looking more and more like a Bratz doll; And Simon still hasn't figured out the purpose of buttons on shirts.

8:07: Fame-succubus Micalah Gordon is in Conway, Arkansas (Kris' hometown). Stay away, Angelina Jolie, lest Micalah lock you in her basement and feed on you for months!

8:08: Carly Smithson is in San Diego (Adam's hometown). She's representin' cuz she's also from San Diego.

8:08: Top 13 sing Pink's "So What". Look! There's what's-his-name and blond girl - and Spanish guy! They are all dressed in white, with slight variations. If this was an episode of the "Twilight Zone", you'd think it was heaven until (twist!) -- it's revealed as hell! It's more or less a hot mess with everyone cavorting about having their own mini-concert. Except poor Scott has no idea where to look, so he chooses "vaguely upward". The "Brady Six" style choreography is mostly ignored. They look like the cast of the new FOX show, Shovin' Buddies (video here).

8:14: David Cook sings his new song, "Permanent", a tribute to his brother (who just died of cancer).

8:19: The ridiculous "Golden Idol Awards". Look! It's all those horrible guys from auditions you already forgot about! And Normund Gentle (who you just almost forgot about).

8:26: Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah. "They are black. They are women. They sing. Let's pair them together," thinks Show.

8:33: Anoop and Alexis Grace with the awesome Jason Mraz. Soon joined by the rest of the Idols. Maaaaaan, why didn't they pair Kris Allen with Mr. A to Z?

8:36: Kris Allen's story. You only need a few highlight words: Humble. Dark Horse. Creative. Likable.

8:37: Kris Allen and Keith Urban sing "Kiss A Girl." The song is written from the POV of a twelve year old, but the guys sing it well. They have some good energy together.

8:44: Girl Power Sing-a-Long, "Glamorous Life". Megan Joy sings off tune. The girls sway in emotional unison like Stepford Idols. Fergie joins them for some "Big Girls Don't Cry," that damn infectious song (not that I've ever left it on the radio... much). Then it's the whole Black Eyed Peas. Related Trivia: Fergie used to star in the Idol-esque music show, Kids Incorporated, not that I ever watched it.... much.

8:51: More "Golden Idol Awards". Bikini Girl. Alexis Cohen 2.0. Random blond girl. Bikini Girl wins - and accepts the award donned in a bikini - with some new fun bags as well. Then she sings and Judge Kara joins her (disproving Bikini Girl's criticism of Kara earlier in the season). The they sway and hug - and Kara rips her dress open to reveal a bikini! "It's all for charity," they tell us. This, undoubtedly, is what Susan B. Anthony fought for right after that whole suffrage thing.

9:00: Allison and Cyndi Lauper sing "Time After Time" (one of the best pop songs, like, ever, so respect!) It's actually a bad vocal fit for Allison's low growl, but Cyndi is awesome. They manage to harmonize nicely so all is forgiven. PS with a bit of "wow, this song is that old": This song was released 6 years before Allison was born.

9:04: Kris' parents being adorable and gracious.

9:05: Adam's family, nervous.

9:05: Danny Gokey singing "Hello." It's ok but it doesn't hold a candle to David Cook's version which I love muchly. Then Lionel Ritchie enters and sings a duet with Danny Gokey of an unknown and utterly horrible song. Then Lionel and Danny sing "All Night Long." (a nod to the duration of this results show, perhaps?) Danny does his bad white-boy dance. One gets the feeling than Danny is operating under the delusion that he can dance. Self-awareness is your friend, Gokey.

9:15: Adam Lampert story. The Show tells us he was born in a manger and died for our sins. No, wait, that's Jesus Christ. After this season, you understand their confusion. You only need a few highlight words: Unique. Star. Incredible.

9:16: Adam sings "Beth" looking like a the evil mirror universe version of David Bowie from "Labyrinth." Then Adam introduces Kiss and joins them for a medley of songs. In the context of Kiss, and singing with them, it all works. Even Adam's occasional shriek. Then Kiss almost break a hip smashing a guitar.

9:26: Carlos Santana sings with Matt Giraud. Soon, all the Guy Idols join in. Then the girl Idols. They are all wearing black and red, like they practice the Santeria.

9:29: Kris and Adam in a final Ford music video. It's a "clip show" with all the music videos past. Kris and Adam are harmonizing well. Then there's the obligatory "the finalists get a Ford" segment, where they pretend to a) be surprised and B) want a Ford.

9:31: Steve Martin in a bizarre music segment with Megan Joy and Michael Sarver. Hello, fast-forward button! I'm glad you could join me this evening.

9:37: Guy's Sing-a-Long to "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy". Rather toothless, all things said and done. Rod Stewart joins them - looking, singing, and swaying old.

9:44: Last "Golden Idol Award" Bad female singers from auditions we already forgot about. And Tatiana, who we all want to forget about.

9:52: Kris and Adam singing "We Are The Champions". Then... what's left of Queen (?) joins them. They sound good and look like they are having fun. Didja know Adam and Kris were roommates at Idol house? They both seem like nice guys and it's cool to see them supporting each other and having a good time up there moments before the final results.

10:00: Seacrest was right. We are running into overtime. Simon has some nice words to say, "I don't normally mean this, but I thought you were both brilliant [...], incredibly nice people and [...] the future is all yours."

The results: The winner of American Idol 2009 is... Kris Allen.

Yes, Kris Allen.

That sound you just heard was the space-time continuum collapsing upon itself. Kris looks absolutely shocked. Speechless. (like the judges, I'm sure). Adam looks happy for him. Cut to Kris' family crying. Cut back to Kris Allen in a complete state of shock, and manages "Are you freakin' serious?" and "Adam deserves this. I don't even know what to feel right now. This is crazy."

Crazy indeed. Awesome crazy.

10:03: EVERYONE is giving Kris a standing ovation except Simon, who is sulking. "wah!" Douche.

10:05: Kris wonders if it was better to lose when he once again is forced to sing "No Boundaries." He sings it better than last night, I think. The other idols join him. Confetti rains.

Wow, a pretty crazy season overall. Who ever thought Kris Allen would take it all? Adam Lampert will undoubtedly get a record deal as well (and that's great for his fans, too), but... well, wow. Kris has been the Little Engine That Could all season long. Good for him.

Until next year, Idolers....

Idol Recap :: Two Boys, Three Songs, No Boundaries

2009-05-19T19:12:00.000-07:00

Last week, justice was served by a diminutive frosted-tipped reality tv show host. Yes, for everyone who thought at least one American Idol finalist would be adorned in a flashy pair of Lens Crafters... well, nope. That's right, peeps, Kris Allen made it to the finals while America put the "Go" in Gokey. (Insert "suck it" yell here) I still can't decide if Gokey is mostly churchy and just a little bit douchey, or mostly douchely and just a little bit churchy. Perhaps I'm splitting hairs?

My first "spoiler alert" moment on the Wednesday results show, though, was in watching the hometown package reels. Gokey's was surprisingly light on the whole "dead wife" tragedy, except for Gokes' one comment about the "triumph from tragedy" story that was his. Instead, Gokes hung out with his best friend that The Show kicked to the curb earlier in the season. About as heart-string pulling as a "Bosom Buddies" TV reunion show. Meanwhile, Kris Allen gets tender momentTM hug with his pops that lasted 100 years and a two days (sidebar: "awww."). This caused his mother to get emotional and for Kris to whisper "Don't cry momma..." Your can't script that, folks. That shit is butter.

So I sez to myself, "Hmmmm", I betcha Kris mighta pulled this off. And soonish, it was bye-bye Gokes.

But now back to the cold, cruel reality. The Show has already made a pact with the devil to ensure Adam's victory (Call Dr. Saperstein for the tannis root, Rosemary...) . I can't recall the last time a contestant was pimped so hard. And, although there's five great ways to pimp a contestant, I do believe The Show has discovered at least a dozen more this season.

Adam "Mad World"
Adam's life retrospective: he screamed as a baby (and apparently never stopped?) Adam is reprising "Mad World", the Gary Jules/Michael Andrews version popularized by the Donnie Darko . It's a copy of a cover song, but "shhh", we don't take the lord Adam's name in vein. There's smoke and blue lights, like a Broadway musical of Jack The Ripper. Sort of "Glam-tom of the Opera." It's one of Adam's better performances, because there's no screeching and screaming. It might actually be better than his first performance of this song.

The judges love it to death, with Simon calling it "a little Phantom Of The Opera." (hee) To that, Randy yells this very important (?) distinction, "No! No! Twilight!" Because singing teenage vampires would skew higher than disfigured emoting introverts, one presumes?

Kris "Ain't No Sunshine"
Kris gives his mom "singing coupons" so she can listen to him sing whenever she wants. The Allens are so getting their own show on ABC Family at some point. They make the Waltons look like a den of crack whores. Kris is singing "Ain't No Sunshine," which was the exact moment in this season where everyone starting taking note of him. Excepts the judges, on account of their supreme asshatery (I would totally lose at Scrabble). Much like Adam, I think this performance is possibly even better than the first time out. Simon applauds with a face that says, "ma, do I have to?"

The judges toss around words like "best performances ever" and "you have a way of creating an intimate bond with everyone in the audience" and "unique way of Allenizing [...] every song you sing." Simon even admits he wasn't sure if America got it right last week but he "takes it all back after that performance." Soooo, where was all this Kris love all season long? Supreme Asshatery.

Adam "Change Is Gonna Come"
Simon Fuller's choice for Adam. It's a bluesy kind of song by Sam Cooke, which is something Adam would probably never choose for himself. If you can't cut yourself to it, it's a' no good, see? As for the performance: In the part where it's controlled, it's good. Really nice, as a matter of fact. But towards the end, Adam can't help but anally rape the song with some shriek-singing. Change is not only gonna come, it's going to bleed rectally.

Judges are passing the crack pipe and throwing out stuff like "best performance of the season" and "best I've ever heard you sing" and "with every fiber of my being I know you are going to be iconic." Did the meaning of the word "iconic" change when I wasn't looking? Also: Maybe I need to make an appointment with the ear and throat doctor, cuz I ain't hearing what they's hearing.

Kris "What's Going On"
Simon Fuller's choice for Kris. Kris gives it a quiet acoustic vibe. It's Kris Allen: Unplugged. It starts off a little low on energy, then completely comes live. It's original, it's cool, and it's contemporary. It's an all around a great performance, totally downloadable.

Randy liked it mostly. Kara liked it, and, is it just me, or is she judging like a sassy black neighbor from a 70s sit-com tonight? It's all head weaving and finger pointing, child. Mmm-hmm. Paula liked it. Simon thought it was "too laid back" and just seemed like "three guys sitting in a room strumming a guitar." And, why is that bad exactly? Does everything have to be a glamstravaganza?

Adam "No Boundaries"
The treacly triumph-victory song, written by Kara. There's talk of "climbing mountains" and "just when you almost gave up on your dreams." There's probably also some "running" involved, as often is the case in these songs. And liberal use of the word "heart." Am I listening to White Lion circa 1989? Anyhoo, it's typical Adam. The guys can sing, no doubt, but there's the theatrics of his sing acting, his trembling bottom lip and his screeching. He only makes it to mid-screech at least. But he gets the pimp rocker lights.

Randy declares it "a'ight". Kara thanks Adam for singing her song that she wrote with Wilona, Jackeé and Florence. Mmm-hmmm. Paula is a "fan forever" (stalker alert!). Simon refuses to judge the song (hee) and calls Adam "one of the best and most original contestants" and believes they've "found a worldwide star." Please tell me which world you are refering to, please and thank you. Interesting that only Randy judged the actual performance.

Kris "No Boundaries"
We get to hear Kara's song again. Maybe Kris should have gone first after all. Kris does an ok job with it, but it's not his type of song since it's one of those pre-packaged pop ballads. It's made for belters, not crooners. There's some nice moments, but the performance isn't something that will blow you (or the judges) away. Adam's voice has the definite edge with this song. Conspiracy theorists: do we need to discuss anymore?

The judges know the song's pitch was too high for Kris. The judges, though, do have a lot of nice things to say about Kris, and all agree he deserves his spot in the final two. But... They all "congratulate" Kris as if he's already lost.

Kris mentions that he and Adam agreed they "weren't competing, they just came out to give a good show tonight." They really seem to be pals, and that's cool.

Seacrest cautions everyone to program their dvrs to go over, just in case, cuz two full hours might not be enough time for the second half of the season finale. Dear Show: "Citizen Kane" was under two hours. Just some cultural perspective to chew on.

So who's gonna win? Well, the judges, The Show, and Katy Perry's Elvis jacket say Adam Lampert, and who am I to anger the gods (and the King's raiment)?

Idol Recap :: Three Dawg Night

2009-05-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

Last week, it was down to Allison and Gokey. By all rights, Gokey's primal goat bleating noise that passed for a note from "Dream On" should have earned him a ticket home. Instead, Allison was sent packing, as Gokey smiled ever-so-smarmily. Gokey shoulda gone, we know it, he knows it, and Joel McHale knows it. What more do we need?

Also, Paula Abdul "treated" us to her "live" performance of her new song, “I’m Just Here for the Music.” It's the lesbian cousin to her last comeback attempt, "Dance Like It's No Tomorrow." As a matter of fact, if you played these songs back to back, I'd dare you to tell me which is which. Anyhoo, The Show gave us a retrospective of Paula's career, and nothing shows artistry like som' bitch dancing with a cartoon cat. And Paula's "live" performance? A lip sync of her over-produced new song. But she was dancing to her own choreography, I'll give her that.

And look for the new remix coming soon: "I’m Just Here for the Music and the Painkillers... now wait, just the music. Sorry, Ladies Home Journal.” Paula never told Ladies Home Journal she was addicted to pain killers at all, silly. That was just the meds talking.

Meanwhile, Seacrest was probably clutching last week's damaged American Idol logo and whispering "my precious." And stage manager Debbie Williams, who needed more than 50 stitches? Still no mention of her. But the logo has made a full recovery and thanks everyone for the cards and flowers.

OK, so tonight is the final 3. Judges pick a song for each. Each Idol picks a song for themselves. And The Show lines up producers for Adam's first album. I mean, c'mon. Adam is emblazoned on the cover the latest Entertainment Weekly. Simon picked him to win on this week's Oprah. It's sorta like when Oprah backed Barack Obama for presidency; The decision has been made and our votes are "cute" formalities, at best.

Danny Gokey "Dance Little Sister"
Danny's hometown visit get very little play. The song is Paula's selection. Not familiar with the song, but the whole thing is a lot of "meh." Gokes is exactly the same as the day he walked through Idol's doors. He's a good singer, but not a great artist or performer. It's another karaoke-like showing from da Gokes. It looks like something you might see walking into some random blues bar anywhere in the United States. The judges like it anyway, cuz they've wanted a Danny-Adam finale for the past 100 years.

Kris Allen "Apologize"
Kris gets more play than Gokey in his hometown (maybe because people like him?) Kara and Randy chose this song for Kris. They also call him out as the "dark horse" of the competition, but that's only because every week he fails to get props while Gokey slides by on karaoke crapola. You created this dark horse, asshats. Kris has been thrown under the bus so much, he can probably apply for a job as a Greyhound mechanic and claim experience.

It's probably not a good song choice for Kris, who has "popped" when reinventing old songs and giving them new spins. With such a modern song choice, he can't really reinterpret - and yet, those original vocals are very tough to mimic. The result? It's OK, but it never soars. So? Some conspiracy theorists (video recap here!) may suggest that the song choice was sabotage. I would be one of them. The don't like it alot, shocker! Kris takes it all in with a look that says, "Color me unsurprised..."

Adam Lampert "One"
Simon's pick. Simon also manages to name drop U2's Bono as saying he would "love" to have Adam sing this song. Just in case Adam needed more thumbs-up. Next up on Idol: Jesus uses his second coming to text his vote for Adam.

The song starts off really nice and low key, and I really think I might like it. But it's just a big tease. Adam the Rock God rises and screeches through the rest of the song. Yeah, yeah, I know Adam is talented. I can agree to that. But the shrill theatrics? I'm just not a fan. The judges though? Love and kisses.

Danny Gokey "You Are So Beautiful"
Danny chose a good one for his vocal range... a Joe Cocker joint. He's switched up the arrangement a bit. There's violins and band members on stage. You know this will be a sincereTM performance. The mosh pit visually cosigns this notion by gently swaying their arms in unison. It's a desperate attempt at a "moment". Like the Bo Bice acapella bravura performance. Or Fantasia splayed all over the floor singing "Summertime." But this? This is not a true moment. It's a manufactured attempt at one. It's actually the first and only time Danny has shown an ounce of originality. The result? It's OK, but nowhere near as breakthrough as he probably thinks.

The judges all lie and use words like "stunning" and "breathless" and "master class" and applaud him for doing his own things to it. Um, like Kris Allen has been doing every week for the past 6 weeks, bitches?

Kris Allen "Heartless"
Kris chose "Heartless" by Kanye West. And he gives it a total Jason Mraz makeover with the sing-phrasing and riffing, rather than rapping. It's totally reinvented. It's what Kris does best, and this blows away what Gokey just gave us. Also, "Heartless"? Kris' subliminal message to the judges? Conspiracy theorists: discuss.

The judges though? Actually love and give props and love. Randy even thinks Kris has a chance at the finals; And Simon had written Kris off with "Apologize" but now claims this performance has him back in the running. Conspiracy theorists: are now confused.

Adam Lampert "Cryin'"
Adam chose Aersomsmith's "Cryin'". He get the rocker lights, "is if he even needs them," harumphs The Show. Of all of Adam's performances, this is one of the better ones for me. Steven Tyler's voice is probably a close cousin to Adam's voice, so this works. There's one part where the back-up singer is almost singing a duet with Adam, so that throws me off a bit. But overall, it's Adam doing what he does well. The judges all love, and Simon urges us not to be complacent.... because if everyone voted for the second-placers, that could cause an upset and knock Adam out completely! And the world would also probably spin out of its axis... and Jesus already used up his second coming to text his vote. Man, we'd be screwed.

Everyone knows this is Adam's to lose, but I give him credit for being gracious, and even complimenting Gokey and Kris. He does seem like a fairly genuine guy.

So who's going home? If you ask The Show, they'd be happy to pack Kris' bags for him.

Sadly and regrettably, I'm going to guess that Kris is heading back to Arkansas.

STAR TREK review

2009-05-09T10:45:00.000-07:00

Just saw, STAR TREK last night. Overall, I enjoyed it alot. The franchise was in deep need of new life, and this movie does that. It's fun, action-packed, thrilling, breezy and full of feisty exuberance... something missing in the franchise since, well ... It's got a dangerous, puckish charm that we haven't seen since STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES. As enjoyable as the new 90s Trek series were at times, they did become mired in politics, diplomacy and pedantic morality.

The cast is superb all around. Zachary Quinto (the best thing about HEROES, and they know it, as Sylar by all rights should have been killed 2 seasons ago) is perfect as Spock. There are moments, in his better-written scenes, where it's quintessential Spock. Pitch-perfect. Karl Urban as McCoy and Simon Pegg as Scotty are standouts, evoking the originals without descending into any sort of parody. And Chris Pine take a few minutes of getting used to, but by the end of the movie, he's become a respectable Kirk.

There's also plenty of cool bits for the old fans to enjoy. A lot of character callbacks from the old show. Leonord Nimoy is used to great effect. And there's a plot point that honors the entire Trek history in a way I didn't expect. Continuity-crazed fans will like it.

It's not as elegant a "reboot" as CASINO ROYALE was for the Bond franchise, however. That reimagining was a little more mature than Trek gets here. There's still some busy Hollywood-isms scribbled in the corners (like young Kirk joy riding to the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage", which stands the test of time musically, we are to assume). And as a surprise gonzo-box-office surprise, it doesn't quite reach the high entertainment factor of last year's delightful "Iron Man", a deeper, more rousing and funnier action movie.

But minor quibbles aside (some plot mechanics and ever-so-slight Hollywood excess), The STAR TREK movie mostly soars. I give it a B+/A-.

Didja see it yet?
If so, scroll down for some MAJOR SPOILER observations and criticisms...

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Ok, last warning...

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The first scene was awesome. Bam! Right into the action. Bam! We witness the birth of Kirk. It's action-packed, emotional and everything you need an opening scene to be.

Then, I started to worry. We have young-punk Kirk joy riding to the Beastie Boys (some say it's an in-joke to how Shatner pronounces "sabotage", but that's kinda bending over backwards for a joke maybe 35 people get, no?). Quick read: Kirk bucks authority! Later, in a rote bar scene, Kirk hit on Uhura, clashes with Starfleet officers in a bar fight, and it's restless farm Iowa farm boy vs. authority figures! Quick read: Kirk likes ladies and needs somewhere productive to channel his restless rage. OK for character-defining, but a bit too 90210 in execution. And Pike swoops in to talk Kirk into enlisting in Starfleet in an all-too-brief exchange that leads Kirk to do just that.

First, those story "short cuts" (joy riding youth, townie in bar fights bucking authority) are such tired cliches. In a fresh franchise relaunch, I was hoping for something deeper and more mature. It could have been salvaged in his exchange with Pike, which could have been built with father-figure inferences. Also, Pike could have challenged Kirk in a more impactful way, instead of just telling him things he had to have thought about on his own, right? No matter, it goes us from point A to point B?

Equally "lazy" was the Spock childhood scene with the Vulcan bullies. It didn't ring true to me, as the Vulcan kids were chiding Spock for being the product of an emotional Earth mother. Yet, they betray their Vulcan ways by showing emotion by taunting him, openly displaying their dislike and disdain. It could have worked just fine if Spock was merely alienated. Plus, the old show had a lot of fun with Vulcan speech patterns roundaboutly conveying emotion without copping to the fact they were. This was communicated much better in the council scene with Zachary Quinto. Much better.

The good news? Those three scenes were probably the only hiccups in the movie. Once Kirk gets to Star Fleet, we see the "origins" of the Kirk we know. He's brash, bold, and making it with a green alien chick. Also, we get to actually see Kirk subvert the Kobioshi Maru, the very famous test he "cheated" to win, as referenced in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. It also becomes the origin of his yin-yang relationship with Spock.

Small quibble: We see why McCoy is called "Bones" upon meeting Kirk, when McCoy claims that "the ex-wife took everything. All I was left with is these bones." Now, that seems like a rather serpentine origin to his nickname. Didn't they used to call doctors, "ol' sawbones"? I thought it was, y'know, that simple.

There's another hiccup as McCoy sneaks Kirk into the Enterprise after injecting him with a virus, in need of emergency medical care. Kirk has an allergic reaction, and his hands swell up to Popeye-size, in a silly chase that didn't need the high-jinx comedy of his enlarged hands. It was as if the Farley Brothers came in and directed that one scene. It's the type of scene fans forgive now, in the larger context of the revamp, but will wince at later.

Things kick into high gear as the Romulan Nero abducts Pike, leaving the Enterprise in Spock's hands. There's some great character moments of Spock and Uhura (in a very non-canon relationship), as well as Sulu. After an attack, all our newbies are made into acting officers for the mission, which ratchets up the stakes. Nero's plan involves time travel, tragedy and Spock -- and leads to the stunning and unexpected destruction of planet Vulcan.

Kirk, after challenging Spock's cautious approach, is exiled from the Enterprise, and (rather conveniently) is jettisoned to a planet where time-tossed future-Spock (Nimoy) has been banished, as well as Scotty. Almost ridiculously convenient, but don't think too hard cuz the plot continues to move and there's never too much non-action time to consider such quibbles. (There's a lot of "little" things like that, where I hope the movie holds up well upon repeat viewings.). Spock's explanation of Nero's attack has fairly major "easter egg" for longtime Trek fans. See, future-Spock is from the Trek timeline we know and mostly-love. Now, that timeline has been changed by Nero. So, see, even in this movie reboot, the old Trek series "still happened". "Crisis on Infinite Federation of Planets" if you will. Nifty and nice "present" to longtime fans.

Realizing he has to ignite a fire under Spock, and prove him unworthy of command, Kirk goes back to the Enterprise, and pushes all his buttons. This causes Spock to go ballistic and wail on Kirk something fierce. Here's where I thought a subtler approach could have worked better. All it needed was for Spock to throw a single punch. The build-up, the tension, the release of a single punch... and then the utter silence of a stunned crew. And Spock's disgraced look, realizing he lost control. Less is sometimes more, methinks.

With Kirk now in charge, they launch a rescue mission for Pike, in a rollicking finale that channels "exactly what they would have done" on the old show. Of course, they are successful.

I do think Eric Bana, a fine actor, was a bit wasted in his role as Nero. Bitter at losing his family, Nero blamed Spock and the Federation for setting that in motion. Then, he and future-Spock were time-tossed to the past. His revenge? Wiping out every planet in the federation. Problem? Nero isn't shown to be a madman. His plan is a little... crazy, no? All those innocent lives, for a purported failure of the Federation? He hates the Federation for the loss of his family, yet he's killing millions of innocent families himself? I dunno, I wished they gave us more on how Nero saw things. There were just a few little things like that in the movie... a little extra here and there would have gone a long way.

The ending sets everything right, and all the characters are in the proper "place" as we know them in STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES. (There's also a great scene with the Spocks. )

All in all, despite some quibbles, it's a fun, fresh, frisky restart to the franchise. Lots of potential. Good enough to live awhile longer... and hopefully prosper.

Idol Recap :: Slashdance

2009-05-05T19:29:00.000-07:00

Last week, The Show bade farewell to Matt Giraud, who will forever be footnoted as the first contestant to be awarded "the Judge's SaveTM". Which got him exactly two extra weeks on a reality singing show. A year from now, we will fondly remember him as, "Who!?!"

We were also reminded of the blight on humanity known as Taylor Hicks, whose performances are "drunk uncle at a wedding" level bad. I thought after everyone not buying his records and being dropped from his label, Hicks might have the good sense to fade into obscurity. Take. The. Hint. This, the same week Constantine Maroulis has been nominated for a Tony Award. Me am hating this Bizarro world. Me want to to laugh myself to sleep.

Apparently, in protest, the American Idol set reacted: the logo tower on the audience’s left, which had partially collapsed, also caused glass shattering. Suddenly, the American Idol set is my new BFF. Don't anger set, Taylor Hicks. You wouldn't like set when it's angry.

And also, Show doesn't mention that stage manager Debbie Williams fell from the top of a flight of stairs, dangled from a railing, and dropped to the floor. Because, OM-capital-G, The logo fell! Priorities much?

Usually at this time of year, the four finalists would sing two songs apiece. But because Show can't get its shit together, we are getting four solos and two duets. Meanwhile, a team of NASA scientists are trying to discover how adding a fourth judge has caused a tear in the space-TiVo continuum.

Seascrest introduces all the judges and contestants. And there's so much black leather, you'd think they were filming an episode of HEROES set in a future... where everyone is evil and plots make no sense. And then Hiro squints hard and still, nothing makes sense. It's really because it's "Rock Week." Then, the judges make devil horn signs with their hands because, I guess, it's Rock Week. Or, they're asshats. Or, perhaps both.

Slash is the mentor this week. Slash, from Guns N Roses. If you're under 25 years old, look them up on Wiki. The Idolers bob their heads up and down as Slash plays. Gokey adds a sneer, cuz that means he's bad ass, right? Calm down, Gokey, Slash is just here to plug his new solo album.

Adam Lampert “Whole Lotta Love"
Good song choice for Adam, I suppose. Adam takes the stage looking like a Gay Elvis or a Butch-Leather KD Lang. I'm not quite sure which, honestly. There's a lot of guylining and it looks like a jewelry chest threw up on his neck. The singing? It's Adam so everyone will love it, but I find it too shrill and theatrical. The judges all love it to death.

Also, this week Kara looks like a lesbian biker chick that will cut a bitch.

Allison Iraheta “Crybaby”
Janis Joplin is a perfect choice for Allison. It's not bad, but it's a little shouty and in comparison to the great Janis, you can see Allison's voice isn't as strong. There's some body-in-place hopping and arm fisting, because bitch is serious. Randy and Kara don't like, but Paula and Simon mostly do.

Kris Allen and Danny Gokey “Renegade”
Already covered in a memorable performance by Chris Daughtry in season five. It's an awkward performance because the song isn't suited to be a duet. It also looks like they didn't have time to rehearse enough (Seacrest already noted they didn't have enough time for dress rehearsal). There's the ceremonial "picking up of the mike stand", as Idolers do when "rawking out." The judges don't know how to react. They try to like, except Simon, who decides to go bitchcakes and say "I don't know what to say [...] Danny was better." A completely unwarranted dick move. Kris looks like someone just stepped on his puppy.

Kris Allen "Come Together"
Tough week for Kris, who is not an anthem-style rocker. He's more a Year One Jason Mraz. He chooses a Beatles song, which is probably a good move, because Kris is more about melody than power. He manages to put his own little mark on it as well during the bridge. The judges hate on it. Now, Kris looks like a stepped-on puppy. Looks like The Show decided it wants that Gokey-Glambert finale after all. Or do they? (see below)

Danny Gokey “Dream On”
Slash warns us "it can go either way" with Danny singing this song. He warns us that Gokes needs to hit that high note that everyone was expecting. Slash himself seems wary of those chances. Hmm, the arrangement is switched up a bit and I'm not sure that's a good thing. Gokey has the rasp to his voice that's not the same as Aerosmith's Steven Tyler. As in, Tyler's is controlled. Danny? It's like the old lady in church with the 3-pack-a-day habit is singing "Dream On". Then, the high note: It's scratchy, wild, uncontrolled, and I think a Wildebeest is going to enter stage left and hump Gokey's leg.

The judges try to find things to like, but they scramble. Let me help, "This sucked." Randy gives him "an A+ for a valiant effort" .... and maybe a Hello Kitty sticker, too, Randy? Kara thinks Gokey swaggered too much but "commends [him] for taking chances"... but not Kris? Paula polls the audience to ask "how many of you are Danny Gokey fans?" which is the Idol-equivalent of "These are not the droids you are looking for." Simon reality checks Gokey's last note as "something out of a horror movie" and says "it didn't work", but adds "I still think you're going to be safe tonight."

And then, Gokey is all smug at the slight criticisms. If I owned a cheap TV, I would turn it on, and throw my shoe at it thusly. In what universe was Danny's song deserving of less criticism than Kris'? Unless that's Simon's way are making voters complacent and not vote for Danny? And, actually rally support for Kris? Idol conspiracy theorists: discuss.

Allison Iraheta and Adam Lampert “Slow Ride”
Allison is looking like Wednesday Addams turned hooker, while Adam is sporting a Beetlejuice biker ensemble. The scream-sing at each other and bob heads while sneering like Mo-Fos. This is slow ride by way or ecstasy and black leather. They definitely have more energy and sync than Kris-Danny. But, really, weren't the cards stacked against them? Allison and Adam as the "known rawkers" and all? Perhaps The Show wants an Allison-Adam finale now? Idol conspiracy theorists: discuss.

The episode ends, and we get song-recaps, including Gokey's God-awful Wildebeest mating call. Has The Show just dumped Gokes on live TV?

So who is going home? This is a tough one. I fear for Kris, but he may get sympathy votes.
Allison did well enough, but whenever she's done OK, she's bottom-three-ed.
And although Simon declared Gokey safe, that could work against him. Plus? Wildebeest-sex.

Ok, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Gokey is going to rock out.

At least, I hope so.

Idol Recap :: They Sung It Up and Spit It Out

2009-04-28T18:20:00.000-07:00

Last week, The Idol producers reanimated the corpses of several disco-era singers, as we watch them shake-shake-shake.... well, barely shake at all, truth be told. And, it was "Waterloo" for Lil and Anoop.

This week, it's "Rat Pack" night. Or, Vegas show tunes night, if you prefer. There's a "mystery mentor" tonight, as the remaining Idols faux-pretend to sing "Georgia on My Mind" as Jamie Foxx enters. Le gasp! Jamie Foxx played Ray Charles in the movie "Ray" in which he won an oscar! What a ca-razay coincidence! The Idolers feign surprise in a sort of "Saved By The Bell" level of realism. Oh Show, you fool no one!

Also, Paula's flower dress looks like it was made in an Adult Education Origami Class.

Kris Allen “The Way You Look Tonight”
Kris is first up. If I were a character on "Smallville", I might say, "Kris Allen is totally pulling a David Cook this season." The Show initially paid little attention to him, but quietly, week by week, it's starting to become apparent that his solid performances aren't flukes. In fact, he just might unseat Gokey from one of those Coca-Cola chairs. Bloggers and entertainment mags are taking note! Also, according to reality blurred, "finalists’ popularity on iTunes has been exposed, apparently accidentally, and it has revealed (unsurprisingly) that Adam Lambert leads downloads, but (surprisingly) Kris Allen is a solid second. Danny Gokey, the presumed front-runner, has never been higher than third." Take that, Gokey! Maybe you should spend less time picking out glasses and more time on song arrangement.

The Show starts going steady with Kris this week, after flirting with him last week in another Coca-Cola seat moment. Seacrest says, "week after week, (Kris) continues to win over America." Jamie Foxx (completely uncoached, I'm sure) explains that Kris is "already and artist" and is his "number one" and is all over his jock about making a record with him. Pssst, Foxx, use Andrew Llyod Webber's line about imagining you as a gorgeous 17 year old girl from The Chorus Line... As Kris exits, Jamie Fox stands there and says, "Kris. GO-LLY!" What happens next, only Foxx and a bottle of Vaseline know for sure.

So, after much fanfare, Kris sings, and it's all good stuff. It's understated, but appropriately so. He understands the lyrics and he's communicating them in song(always a plus with me). It's a solid performance, although Kris has had bigger "moments" on the show that went largely unrecognized, as the judges were still gobsmacked by The Goke. The judges? Randy: "best performance to date." Kara: "you are truly a dark horse" Paula: "quiet confidence [..] near impeccable." Simon: Reality checks it a bit and calls it "safe." It's probably The Show making sure Kris still gets sympathy votes. Kris really needs to make it to the final two.

Allison Iraheta “Someone To Watch Over Me”
Jamie Foxx tries to inject a sense of meaning into Allison's performance by having her imagine her family while singing. He must have seen Allison's vapidly aggressive rendition of "Hot Stuff". Allison, looking like a goth French hooker, sings the song well. It's all technically fine and good, but there's a listless quality to it. I dunno, I've never connected with Allison as the judges have. The judges all love, love, love. Will this save Allison, the perennial bottom three-er? Simon thinks no, it may not.

Matt Giraud “My Funny Valentine”
Was there any doubt that Matt would wear a jaunty Timerlake hat this week? Of course not! Jamie Foxx wants Matt to change the key of the song, probably where Matt intended to falsetto the crap out of it. And then slip it a roofie and falsetto it some more. Matt's runs are sometimes worse than eating Taco Bell drunk after midnight. Props to Matt to not hiding behind a piano, and just singing. It's an ok performance, but I think Matt's songs always play a bit uneven. It's too low in some spots, and in another key in other spots. The judges reactions are mixed.

Danny Gokey “Come Rain Or Come Shine”
Jamie Foxx gets all up in Gokey's grill like director Michael Mann, (or so he claims). Did Jamie hit on all the remaining Idols? After the show, Seacrest asked Kris and Danny to show him where Jamie touched them by use of dolls. Gokey's performance is one of his better performances. I think this theme week has actually benefited him the most, as his bluesy rasp lends something to the song. There's an aggressive swagger to his performance. If Gokey had a brain in his head, he would have played to his bluesy strength all season long. Kara is correct in saying that it was "the most creative he's ever been". For once, the judges good marks are deserved. Bleh. Gokey needs to falter soon, so the judges can sell him out.

Adam Lampert “Feeling Good”
Adam threatens us with a "rock edge" to this song. Adam is "freaking out because Jamie Foxx is like three feet from his face." It's a good thing you didn't get Michael Manned by him. Of course, Glambert gets bathed in lights and glowing stairs that whisper, "Haven't you bitches been listening all season? OK, we just want to make sure you continue to vote for Adam."

It's mostly good and controlled, if a bit "Moulin Rogue" meets Brian Setzer. At the end, Adam hits a crazy note as the camera spins around him with lights shining on him like a celestial god of music. I do have to hand it to Adam this week, this is a good performance, with the appropriate amount of theatrics. And, it's screech-free! Do I even have to mention that the judges all love it?

So who's going home?

Luck's no lady tonight. I think Allison is gone.

Idol Recap :: Mamma Mia, Here We Blow Again

2009-04-21T20:37:00.000-07:00

Last week, Matt received the lowest number of votes, and then “sang for his life.” (melodramatic much, Seacrest?) But yon judges took pity on the lowly Timerfake, and Matt was honored with the very first “judges save.” The heavens opened, and a starry light shined unto him, as he basked in the praise and glow of his partners in song.

The miracle was broken by the prophesy of Cowell, who bellowed: "I wouldn't be so quick to congratulate him. Two people are going home [next week] now. Second piece of bad news? Next week is disco week." And lightning crackled as Simon disappeared in a cloud of sulfur and brimstone.

Yep, the results show went down just like that, only a tad more dramatic. When calmer heads prevail, you realize that the judges only had one more week to use their save. “Why not add some drama?”, The Show shrugged. ‘Cuz if Lil or Anoop were on the hot seat next week, the dramatic judges save would not be invoked.

This week is disco week, which should be a blessing to some (Lil?), and a curse to others (Anoop?). Well, no mentor this week, kids, even though there are a killligion to choose from and — omgweareintoLil’ssongrightnow. Guess someone would get fired if the show went overtime again, hm?

Lil Rounds “I’m Every Woman”
Have you ever been to a wedding where the band played this song? And Aunt Betsy made her “raise the roof” hands on the dance floor? Well then, you’ve seen Lil’s version. There’s nothing particularly wrong with it, but it’s not all that memorable. Except for Lil’s killer “Jackie Brown joins the X-Men” outfit. The judges all hate as Simon declares it her “final night”. This week, Lil looks like she will cut a bitch.

Kris Allen “She Works Hard For The Money”
This song is completely and utterly reinvented. To the extent that, it’s just about unrecognizable. It’s not a bad thing at all, as Kris puts an original Santana-ish acoustic spin on it. Once again, Kris is doing what they say they want every week: original arrangements that are sung well. The judges like and finally, FINALLY Kris gets some props on this show. This is the week where The Show finally decides to support Kris. Paula makes some strange comment about “men usually not shopping in the women’s department” as far as song choice, which derails some of the conversation. Also, Paula, ask Adam where he buys his medium-size shirts and guyliner, just sayin.’

Danny Gokey “September”
Somehow, it’s utterly predictable that Gokey chose “September.” It seems he’s stuck in an endless loop of overplayed up-tempo crowd-pleasers. He’s given some Idolettes on stage that distract from his bad white-guy dancing. Objectively, this is “of equal value” to Lil’s performances, as far as I’m concerned. It’s not bad, but it’s still wedding singer level or bar band esque. The judges praise/distract with talk of “sexy voice,” “pitch” and other grasping-at-truisms. Because if you didn’t know, The Show wants Danny in the finals.

Allison Iraheta “Hot Stuff”
Remember those Saturday Morning Action cartoons made for boys where there was, like, ONE female character just for balance? On G.I Joe, it was Scarlet. The Superfriends had Wonder Woman. Even Jonny Quest later added Jessie. Well, American Idol is determined to keep Allison as their token girl character since changing the locks on Lil two weeks ago.

It starts out with “quiet sittin’ on stairs” sing. That means, bitch is about to kick it up, y’all. Then it gets raspy and attitudinal. What’s lacking is the meaning behind the song, which is a desperate (and scratching-at-the-door horny) woman yearning for... Let’s call it “good lovin.’” Cuz this is a PG-13 recap. Allison sings it like my 5-year old niece sings Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry”: The words are technically in the right place, but the emotion and feeling is not remotely comprehended. Vocally, it’s fine; A slightly different take on the song, but nothing extraordinary. Hot Stuff? Mild Stuff, sez I. The judges, to no surprise, they like. Just watch them go all “grrr” on her when she scrapes to the final four.

Adam Lampert “If I Can’t Have You”
Adam gets chair time, because, why? Are the next six weeks a mere formality at this point? The song itself is sung well, I must say, for the most part. The arrangement, however, is utterly indulgent and overly theatrical in its staged melancholy. “Hot One” “Inspiring” “Brilliant” “Original” Surprising? Not in the least. Adam is praised for doing something different each and every week. Because his serious-sad version of “If I Can’t Have You” is vastly different from his serious-sad version of “Mad World” two weeks ago. Except, it’s not.

Matt Giraud “Stayin’ Alive”
Hoo-boy. A deadly song choice. I just don’t know if there’s a way to cover this song that doesn’t come across as cheesy or also-ran. It’s vocally good in spots, but a bit manic, clumsy and uneven. The judges support Matt, except Simon who lays a truth smackdown.

Anoop Desai “Dim All The Lights”
Anoop! seems to have lost his fratboy “sings on a dare” vibe and tapped into his inner Usher. It starts off all slow and soulful, and then the song kicks in. Hmm, this approach seems to be the theme of the night. When it all kicks in, it doesn’t quite all work. It remains a few registers below where the song needs to live. The judges like it, but Simon once again reality checks and says “it was mediocre at best.” He overly hates, to the point of, where's the bucket of pig's blood, Cowell?

So which two are going home?

I think it’s Lil’s last round, for shizzle.
And Matt... I’m afraid you aren’t stayin’ alive.

Idol Recap :: Reservoir Dawgs

2009-04-14T20:02:00.000-07:00

Last week, Scott said goodbye, to the surprise of no one, as the judges extra-pretended to deliberate... on account of Scott’s inspiration-factor. Does anyone not realize that the judges could not, would not, decide such a thing on the spot like this?

Tonight’s theme: Songs of the Cinema
Tonight’s mentor: The uber-talented and uber-creepy Quentin Tarentino

Why Quentin? Apparently, “his passion for music gives his movies their distinct twist.” I will say, Tarentino does compile some memorable soundtracks. The Show reminds us that Tarentino was also a guest judge back in season three, back when they had 4 judges and still managed to do the show within an hour and not cause everyone’s DVRs to explode. For some reason, Tarentino is sporting a hair-don’t that looks like “Hitler Does LA.” Or, “George McFly in Rehab.” Take your pick.

Simon tells us that only 2 judges will judge each song, because if the show ran over, Tarentino would send Michael Manson to the director’s home to de-ear him while playing “Stuck In The Middle” by Steeler’s Wheels. And wouldn’t he deserve it for going 8 minutes into “Fringe?” Howabout, I dunno, just pre-planning the show properly, as has been done in seasons past with 4-judges? I know, I speak madness.

Allison Iraheta “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” from Armageddon
See, I thought Allison shoulda sung “Invincible” by Pat Benetar, from the much-awesome “Legend of Billie Jean.” But instead, she sings the overwrought song “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” from the overwrought movie “Armageddon”. I almost don’t have to watch the performance, because it’s pretty much exactly what you’d imagine, and perhaps a touch less. Allison doesn’t have a “pure” voice, so her huskiness doesn’t terribly support those big notes. All the judges faux-praise, because they desperately want to keep a girl in the competition, and have completely broken up with Lil Rounds.

Anoop Desai "Everything I Do” from Robin Hood
Remember the 1991 "Robin Hood" that gave us Kevin Costner's fake British accent for 15 minutes and then forgot? Or, more memorably, when Bryan Adam’s treacly “Everything I Do” invaded the radio incessantly for months, and easy-listening stations for years even? Well, this song is on my “destroy the master tapes” list, but Anoop done picked it. Tarentino wants Anoop to pimp slap the song, as he air-punches for effect. If this man wasn't a genius director, someone would have killed him by now, I'm convinced. And also, these Tarentino-mentor moments look incredibly staged. Anoop does pretty good, and Kara hones in on Anoop's success formula: pop songs + a little soul. If he can keep that formula, he may actually survive, oh, three more whole weeks even.

Adam Lampert "Bord To Be Wild" from Easy Rider
From Easy Rider. And also, like 1,873 other movies when we need to convey quick bad-assery. Tarentino, completely Show-coached, reveals, "If this is a competition looking for rock stars, he is the real deal." If Adam is the "real deal", then Miley Cirus is a musical genius. The Show gives us everything you'd expect at this point: the flashing rocker lights that whisper, "Adams rawks in a completely non-poseur way that you secretly love." Adam deigns to touch the mosh-pit blondies. He struts and succumbs to his restless leg syndrome (that's an actual thing now, btw). Also? The black nail polish, a rock-poseur's BFF, is back. It's completely over-cooked with screeching and over-runs. Simon forgoes the crack pipe this week by saying, "It was like the ROCKY HORROR MUSICAL in parts." (And I think, "Hey, Adam could have done a legit "Sweet Tranvestite," actually). And also, isn't every Adam song? The brainwashed audience is apoplectic.

Matt Giraud “Have You Ever Loved A Woman" from Don Juan DeMarco
Bryan Adams was to the early 90s as Kenny Logins was to the 80s. Both somehow became lucrative go-to soundtrack bitches. Here's another Bryan Adams piece, which makes sense when you compute the ages of the contestants. Daughtry also did a great performance of this one back in season five. Matt's performance is somewhat capable, with a few small rough spots. Randy and Kara call Matt on his over-runs, which so many Idolers are guilty of. Also, why does Randy's sweater look like the Sara's and Jackie's walls on "Too Close For Comfort"?

Danny Gokey "Endless Love" from Endless Love
It's Danny Jesse Raphael, sans glasses this week with a button-down shirt. Is he trying to look like Kris Allen's older brother now? Tarentino coaches Danny to use his hands this week as he sings. I think, "hopefully not as manically as Tarentino hand-talks." Dude will take out your eye, peeps. There's a ginormous harp on stage, so you know this will be a ProductionTM. It's good and spots, and terribly shouty in others. What to make of the "technically good but creatively stagnant" Gokey? The Show itself has been all bi-polar about Gokey, as they continue to back him, then almost regret it.

Kris Allen "Falling Slowly" from Once
Tarentino tells us that the song is close to Kris' heart, but we don't get the why of that. Maybe this is part of downplaying the whole wife thing as Simon suggested weeks back? Kris may suffer votes by picking a more obscure song, but he does a great job with it. He almost has "a moment", but falls ever so short. If he solemn-guitared this bitch and brought a ginormous harp on stage, he might have made a moment. For the record, Kris is the Idol I'm backing this season, as he's shown he can sing, takes some chances and is willing to go for some less obvious choices. Idiot Randy hates on this (why?) and resorts to the fall-back "pitchy." Kara thought it "was one of his best moments." Word, Kara.

Lil Rounds "The Rose" from The Rose
The Show has all but kicked Lil to the curb, even supporting Allison as "the girl's only hope" earlier this very week. My favorite version of this song was actually by Peter Griffin, but Lil does an OK job. It's still wedding singer, copycat, cruise singer (take your pick) level performance. Simon breaks up with her and claims "you aren't the artist we met 7 or 8 weeks ago" and "he's getting frustrated" and also, he wants his favorite T-shirt back along with his CDs you borrowed. Lil snaps back, and tries to defend her slight R&B rendition as an artistic choice; She's not altogether wrong, but The Show already moved on and is dating Allison.

Somehow, the show almost goes overtime again. How'd that happen?

As for who's going home, that's a tough one this week. Anoop has been bottom-3ing but had a good week, Lil is on the ropes but is an early fave, and Matt is a musical ping-pong per week but got chair-time this week.

I'm gonna guess this is Lil's last round.

Idol Recap :: Birthday Blues

2009-04-08T05:45:00.000-07:00

Ryan reminds us that tonight’s theme is an “Idol favorite:” Songs from the year the contestants were born. The Show shares baby photos of the judges. They had to colorize Simon’s cuz Simon is old as ass as far as this show goes.

Danny Gokey "Stand By Me” from 1980
And already, the cheating begins. Cover songs from the year they were born. And from the eldest contestant no less! I can forgive cover songs when we eventually reach the crap-pop-fest of the 90s, but not in the 80s. The song has been Michael McDonaldized, all slow and with the Gokey rasp. Then it moves into an untempo “please welcome the bride and groom” vibe. With scatting. Honestly, I’m not a fan of this, as the soul and simplicity of the original “Stand By Me” is lost in the jazzy wedding singer arrangement. The arrangement is way cheesy, altho the vocals are OK. The judges all lie with fake-praise words like “unique” and “creative liberties” because The Show still likes Danny that much. Pass the crack pipe, y’all.

Kris Allen "All She Wants To Do Is Dance” from 1985
Kris gets couch time, because The Show may want to actually back him mid-season a la David Cook (but don’t hold them to that). Kris mentions taking the day off and doing “the cheesiest thing ever” by riding the ferris wheel. Ever, Kris? Let me remind you what show you are on, and we shall rank cheese-factor accordingly. Kris performs from the mosh pit, which seems all the rage this season. The song arrangement is switched up, and it’s OK, but it’s not altogether an improvement. It also doesn’t quite showcase Kris’ vocals. It’s a bit of a mish-mosh. Shockingly, Randy has the best insight by pointing out that the music overshadowed the vocals.

Lil Rounds "What’s Love Got To Do With It” from 1984
Lil is named after the first 3 letters of her grandmother, Lily. Dem black folks have the most fascinating baby name stories. Tina Turner is one of the lesser Diva dieties, but Diva (with capital) nonetheless. Lil’s version is a toothless, tame version of the sassy, strutting Tina. Once again, it’s vocally OK, but there’s no personality under the surface. Lil should have chosen a much lesser known song and owned it. Lil seems like a great person but girlfriend just ain’t getting it. The judges are underwhelmed, with Simon citing her performance as a “second or third rate Tina.” Lil Rounds? More like ‘Lil Tina.

Anoop Desai "True Colors” from 1986
Annop apologizes for his uncharacteristic “excuse me?” reaction to Kara last week. In Idol-speak, this is tantamount to a NSFW Sopranos-level obsenity-spew. Everyone over the age of 12 merely shrugged. It’s hard to separate this song from Cyndi Lauper’s awesome and unique bravura version. There are brief moments in the second half where it captures a contemporary R&B vibe, and it’s alllmost interesting. The vocals? Very good. Anoop! Done good this evening.

Scott MacIntyre "The Search Is Over” from 1985
Originally sung by the human dog-whistle known as Peter Cetera, Scott has a tough comparison ahead of him. He’s out from behind the piano, which I give him guts-points for, but the vocals? Not powerful enough, and some bad notes abound. Ultimately, it’s a bad choice for Scott, far beyond his reach. Scott gets one half-second rock-star moment as he releases the guita lick and the lights flash behind him. It’s fleeting, and Scott’s days are surely numbered. “We are done with your inspiration, blindy!” declares Show.

Allison Iraheta “I Can’t Make You Love Me” from 1992
First, a small exclamation point moment for Allison being born in 1992. “!” The performance is OK. Like Lil’s, it’s more or less a copycat performance, not reaching the grandeur of the original. The judges like her a lot, and cite her lack of “likeability” as being her “issue.” This, my friends and viewers, is a blatant attempt of The Show to keep Allison in the competition, as this season is woefully guy-heavy.

Matt Giraud “Part Time Lovers” from 1985
I like my Stevie Wonder, but peeps, I ain’t never liked this song. Matt gives it a jazzy arrangement. It’s OK, but it’s a little low register for a Stevie joint. Overall, I give Matt props for originality and pulling off an arrangement that works. The judges do a drive-by pressed-for-time judging but overall, they like. Also? How dare anyone trample into Our Lord And Savior Adam Lampert’s time?

Adam Lampert "Mad World” from 1983
Or, more accurately, from 2003. Adam sings the Gary Jules/Michael Andrews version popularized by the Donnie Darko soundtrack. Since my DVR cut out, I had to find it online. Bathed in blue pimp lights, The Show’s most favorite Idol emotes and broods in a COPYCAT performance of the 2003 version. It's vocally sound, but once again, there's been dozens of Idol performances on par with this. But what happens?

This, this, gets him a standing-effing-ovation from Simon Cowell. That thud you just heard was the fall of my respect for the show's most honest judge. Shameful. Voting is just a formality at this point. I can't recall a time when The Show pushed any contestant as hard as they are pushing Adam. Because we haven't had a great goth-poseur alt-singer since the giddy days of WDRE in its heyday? I hope America is ready for the Robert Smith tribute album.

So who’s going home? Scott, more than the search is over, my friend.

Idol Recap :: iTune In, iTune Out

2009-03-31T20:45:00.000-07:00

Tonite's theme: The Idolers can sing any song "as long as it's a popular download on iTunes". That is fairly broad, huh? At least there's no excuse for NOT being contemporary tonight. You know, like most weeks, when the Idolers sing songs from the fossilized remains of a "musical legend" and then get criticized for not sounding "contemporary" for singing a 30 year old song. Idol, you fickle bitch.

Except, only 2 out of 9 Idolers choose songs from the past 5 years. Yeah, I know.

No mentor this week, so the Idolers visit Ryan Seacrest's daytime haunt. No, not under the bridge -- or next to a Pot of Gold (perhaps I need to lay off THE SOUP), but his radio studio, where he hosts "America's Top 40." Remember Casey Kasem's long distance dedications? Whenever I'm in bad mood, I just listen to the classic dedication to the dog named Snuggles. It's a situation we can all understand whether we have kids, or pets, or neither.

Anoop Desai "Hold" by Usher
At least, I think that's the name of the song, as The Show refuses to introduce it properly. And if you think I'm intimately familiar with Usher's body of work.. you are mistaken. Anoop wants to do something different and "sing a song I would relate to if I was watching the show." The entirety of "Jacob's Ladder" was less confusing than that sentence. Anoop, if there is one thing you shouldn't attempt on this show, it's the bending of minds like that. This is an odd mix, Anoop making porn faces and swaggering with a bit of attitude. I don't think was the right song for him. Anoop might have had a "moment" by picking a contemporary ballad. I agree with Kara on this one, that it looked like a "frat boy on a dare." Anoop seems unfazed by judges comments and stands by his choice because he wants to be an R&B artist. Self-awareness is your friend, Anoop.

Megan Joy "Turn Your Lights Down Low" by Bob Marley
Remakes aside, Bob Marley? THIS is not a contemporary choice. Megan insists this is one of her favorite songs. "Then why you gotta do me like that?" says song. Every week, in vain, I root for Megan to turn it around.If you aren't LOOKING at Megan, and just LISTENING, you'll discover she sounds like Ethel Merman on a bender. There are moments where it's not bad, but I think once again, Megan picked the wrong song. Amy Winehouse, Megan? Oh, Megan, everyone likes the idea of you... it's your performances that don't match up to that.

Danny Gokey "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts
Let's see what pair of glasses Danny Jesse Raphael is wearing this week... did he settle on a pair? Danny is starting to flatline as the "Hootie And The Blowfish" of the season. Y'know, at first they sound great and unique... and then after a lotta airplay, you start to wonder why you liked them so much. It's a technically good performance, but I think The Show is beginning to wonder if Danny has the artistic chops to create music. The judges love, which shows they still have some faith in him.

Allison Iraheta "Don't Speak" by No Doubt
Really? A song that's 14 years old qualifies as a "top iTunes download"? OK, Show. Allison rocks the stage looking like one of Sydney Bristow's alter egos going undercover... at the prom in some undefined Eurotrash country (aren't they all on that show?). Girl needs a less extreme colorist. It's ok, but Allison is becoming one note. The judges mildly like. Kinda. What everyone seems to be dancing around is this: Allison is starting to become gimmicky.

Scott MacIntyre "Just The Way You Are" by Billy Joel
Scott says he loves Billy Joel for his music, his song-writing, and his performances. Not to be rude, Scott, but... performances? I'm not sure you're a qualified judge there, with all the blindness and what not. Also, again, this is a top download? A song from 1977 with two download bars? (yes, Show, I checked. Suck it.). It's a good performance, and a good song choice for Scott. And good choice to strip down the song arrangement. It's good, but unfortunately, I'm not sure if the nation is still enthralled with the walking "inspirational story" that is Scott. Not his fault, but a reality.

Matt Giraud "You Found Me" by The Fray
Wow, something actually current. Which may be good move for Matt. After (unjustly) bottom three-ing last week, he needs something memorable. The first few notes are a little off. It's a bit of a frentic performance. There are moments that are good, but the sum of the parts does not equal Matt's "moment." Much less so. Matt probably should have chosen Timberlake, Robin Thicke or Maroon 5 (Matt could probably out-sing Adam Levine, truth be told). The judges don't like, and they are sadly correct. Matt responds, "I just want to show them that R&B isn't the only thing I can do." A lovely sentiment, Matt, but fighting out of the box The Show has placed you in -- that can only end in tears.

Lil Rounds "I Surrender" by Celine Dion
Lil wants to pick a good song, after being criticized for making bad songs choices. I think she's done it this week. She picked a difficult song, evoked a diva, and delivered. The judges find it boring, and want Lil to sound less old fashioned. Because it was ok when other contestants sang 30 years old songs. Lil doesn't get enough credit for, y'know, actually SINGING WELL. But there's an adorable moment with her kids in the audience that will earn her a few votes.

Adam Lampert "Play That Funky Music" by Wild Cherry
From 19-effing-76. Adam promises (threatens?) to give it a contemporary spin to sound like "something that could exist in a current pop record." By "something", Adam means wailing. By "current", Adam means "kinda creepy". Adam is 45% less poseur goth rocker this week. I'm guessing the boy has internet access - and has read recaps. Like mine. It's OK but a little bit of a novelty act. Like, Adam is channeling Normund Gentle this week. It's got some entertainment value, I will give him that. It's a fine performance. But Jesus Christmas, what exactly are the judges hearing in that studio? It's not what I'm hearing on my couch. They gush, praise and rhapsodize. Um, what now?

Kris Allen "Ain't No Sunshine"
Kris is looking to take an old song and give it a new spin. And that he does. I've said before Kris is a dark horse in this competition, and this performance proves it. For my money, it's the best performance of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, Kris Allen is the new Danny Gokey. If he keeps this up, he could very well sail up to the finals.

So who's leaving us tomorrow?

I think Matt's frentic performance will mean he's going iHome.

Idol Recap :: Okee-Dokee, Smokey

2009-03-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

It's Motown Night. With Barry Gordon and Smokey Robinson's wax statue. The Idols get a tour of Motown studios and Smokey Robinson looks over them, with the penetrating stare of his fake alien eyes. And I'm thinking of that old K-Tel records commercial where that girl on the street says, "Smokey? He's the greatest!!" (anyone?)

Matt Giraud "Let's Get It On"
Matt starts a slower tempo at the piano, and then kicks it up with a soulful ballad-y thang. Probably a good move for Matt to get out from behind the piano, and with this song, he's in his element. Matt has the potential to be a dark horse in this competition, but I doubt the judges will let him get too far. The judges like.

Kris Allen "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)"
This is quite good. I think Kris changed it up just enough. And he's got good vocal control with his slight growl-sing moments. Kara sort summed it up with "you did everything right."

Scott MacIntyre "You Can't Hurry Love"
Scott is still behind the piano - because, c'mon, truly - do we really want the poor guy singing sightless mid-stage? It's an OK performance, but I don't think it's ultimately a good song choice for Scott; His range is just below what we're all used to hearing in this oft-heard song. It amounts to a poor cover song they might use in a movie too cheap to spring for Diana Ross. The back-up singers provide some visual... something, but they aren't in harmony with Scott at times. The judges didn't like it much, and I can't say I blame them. Simon sums it up: "It felt cheap."

Megan Joy "For Once In My LIfe"
Smokey uses words like "original" and "different" to describe Megan. He appears to dig her "jazzy cabaret" vibe, but I can't tell how sincere he is about her, for reals. Me? I like the idea of Meagn, but somehow the performances she gives leave me cold. I think she may have a big moment in her, but she is scrambling around blind trying to find it. She sounds a bit strained with this one. Kara is right, she should have sung "My Guy" or something like that. She needs to strut and show attitude with her singing. The judges don't like at all.

Anoop Desai "Ooh Ohh, Baby Baby"
It's good. Technically good anyway. A little dull. Anoop has lost some of his ANOOP!ness. Simon says: "It was a great vocal, but you looked like you were half asleep." Yup, that's about it.

Michael Sarver "Aint Too Proud To Beg"
Michael wants to "Church it up". Yes, Michael, go for the Jesus votes. I think this one is a little over-cooked. Michael is smiling and holding onto notes at random. And way too many runs. I think Michael also missed Smokey's note about the song: It's about a man pleading for the very last time for his lover not to leave. It's not a Happy-Time-Chili-Cookoff Musicale. The judges - they do not like. They hammer him, actually. Michael, only Jesus can save you now, so you better hope he takes the wheel.

Lil Rounds "Heatwave"
Lil admits to getting emotional at the history of Motown. I tell ya, Lil is a class act. Ryan introduces her from the alterna-mosh pit, where someone let some uggos and fatties in. Security! Anyway, Lil is rockin' the whole Motown look; She looks like one of the Pips. The vocals are solid because, well, it's Lil. Kara and Randy have some good points, and there were spots that could have been better. I think Simon may be right - this week could have been "her moment" - and it wasn't.

Adam Lampert "Tracks Of My Tears"
Adam is sporting a Ricky Valens look this week. No wallets with chains. No guyliner. No black nail polish. It's a slow, somber interpretation of the song, if it was sung by the Bee Gees. He gets a standing ovation. A. Standing. Ovation. I feel like Stewie Griffen when he was so bemused his head slowly tilted sideways and was stuck that way. I think everyone needs to calm down. What goes on here?!? Randy gives some bullshit about "knowing from day one..." which, if I recall, they gave him the oft-times dead-man-walking label of "Broadway Singer." Wow, The Show really wants this guy in the finale for some bizarre reason. If he wins, you will see the tracks of my tears.

Danny Gokey "Get Ready"
Good song for Danny. It's totally "in his pocket," as Paula might say before the meds kick in. Danny does a nice job with it, but I'm getting the feeling that Danny has flatlined. I don't think there's much originality in there, ultimately. Another observation: Gokey is such a white-boy dancer. Simon even calls it "clumsy" and "amateurish." Idol Gods, if you have abandoned Danny is favor of Adam, I weep for our future.

Allison Iraheta "Poppa Was A Rolling Stone"
Allison does a nice job with this one, although it may be a tad overstylized. Good song choice on her part, though. A good showcase of her vocals. The judges love, as The Show valiantly tries to save Allison from "bottom threeing" this week.

So who's going home this week? I think Michael Sarver is returning to the oil rig from whence he came.

Idol Recap :: A Musical Travis-ty

2009-03-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

Grand Olde Opry Night. I'm not even a little bit country. So, I'm hearing lots of blather and looking at Randy Travis.

Michael Sarver "Aint Goin' Down Til The Sun Comes Up"
This should be Michael's night: The Red State jamboree. He gets all the wordplay down. To me, it sounds like Jason Mraz by way of Alabama. It's OK, but vocally, this does nothing. It's like, The Show has abandoned Sarver at this point, after pushing him down our throats for weeks. He doesn't get any stylistic makeover, or family camera pans, or oil rig mentions this week. Michael does his best to play the "country" card, but Simon ain't havin' it, y'all.

Allison Iraheta "Blame It On Your Heart"
Hey, I actually recognize this song. I think Allison has changed the melody a bit too much, stripping it of its country flair. At least she doesn't do her cartoonish Quick Draw McGraw choreography that she flirted with at rehearsals. The judges mostly love

Kris Allen "To Make It Through My Love"
This is actually really good. The song suits Kris really well, and reminds us that he's a good vocalist. This may be Kris' "Show Moment". The judges agree.

Lil Rounds " Independence Day"
According to an anonymous backstager, Lil Rounds is one of the final four: "The New York Daily News reports that one Idol staff member is blabbing and claiming the judges, along with a team of producers, have already decided who will make the final four. According to the mole, Danny Gokey, Lil Rounds, Adam Lambert and Alexis Grace will be the last four singers standing. Asked if the info was mere speculation, the source replied, “those ARE the people.”"

As Cordelia Chase might say, "I register no surprise." Those are the ones the show has been pushing since the season began. I do think she is operating fom old intel, as Alexis has been abandoned for the newer, shinier, of-equal-value Allison.

Anyhoo...This is actually a little rough in spots. I don't think this country joint is Lil's thang. She kind of works it toward the end. The judges are feelin' what I'm feelin', and I'm amused that Simon is calling Lil "Little", as if Lil is a shortened name for Little. You know, like 'Lil Devil? I'm sure it's because he's from British. (<< reference from two seasons ago)

Adam Lampert "Ring Of Fire"
Adam is looking like he shopped in the "Club Boys On Crystal Meth" section of Target. Adam is still pretending to rawk, pretend-wincing at this week's theme, as if he never starred in some version of "Oklahoma" or perhaps "Seven Grooms For Seven Brothers." Randy Travis says what the non-Kool Aid drinking Idolers are thinking, "I don't even know what to say about this boy." Travis also doesn't favor Adam black nailpolish, fearin' it's city-lovin' ho-mo-sex-ual overtones. The rest of us just think it has an air of douchiness.

Adam slips the camera lens some spanish fly and rapes it with his eyes. That poor camera lens still has the night shivers from Constantine Maroulis' season four facially forced love making. Vocally, it's ok in spots, but it's way over the top. It's like Zoolander by way of Robert Smith with a side of Dr. Frankenfurter. The judges all dance around the truth, because Adam is engineered to be in the final four. Simon at least calls it "rubbish," tearing the space-time continuum that The Show lives in. Randy claims that it's "what it would be if Nine Inch Nails did Country." Perhaps, if Nine Inch Nails were replaced with douchey rocker wannabes, Randy.

Scott MacIntyre "Wild Angels"
Randy Travis doesn't initially like Scott's song choice (Martina McBride), so it's a good thing the guy is blind, because you can see it on his face. What we get is what Scott does: Piano! Inspiration! Musical bridges and high notes! The judges sorta tell Scott to take more chances. Because the fifteen minutes on Scott's Inspiration Clock are ticking....

Alexis Grace "Jolene"
Sound familiar? Brooke White sang this one last year. This one is ok, but Alexis has some small issues with the pitch changes during the song. But, she gets some points for getting the emotion of the song across. Kara is right, though, she should have picked something with some edge, like "Before He Cheats." Sorry, Alexis! The Show is now backing Allison as "the rocker girl" this season.

Danny Gokey "Jesus Take The Wheel"
Danny is Peter Brady-ing his whole Randy Travis rehearsal. Full of clinkers and clunkers. Now, clad in a Captain Eo jacket, Danny sings the song better than rehearsals anyway. It starts off a bit rough, and he eventually gets there, but it's actually all a little boring. Three-fourths of the way through, there's some magic, though. Some riffing and vocal styling and that will carry him. Kara and Randy actually keep it real and call him on the first half of the song.

Anoop Desai "You Are Always On My Mind"
This week, Anoop reminds us that he can actually sing, and he's more than a novelty act. He wisely changes the arrangement a bit, so he doesn't get compared to Willie Nelson. It's a "moment" for Anoop. Judges are lovin'! Anoop Dog is back!

Megan Joy "I Go Walking After Midnight"
Megan gives it a slight winky-sultry lounge singer vibe. A lounge singer with extreme diction. There are moments when it's interesting and different, but there's some bad notes. The sum of of its parts doesn't quite add up. It's a bit of a schitzo performance. Ah, then it's revealed she has the flu, and was in the hospital, which gives her a little pass this week.

Matt Giraud "So Small"
Otherwise known as "oh yeah, THAT guy. I forgot he was in the competition." Matt brings his soulful approach to the song. The judges all love, and remind us that Matt can .. y'know... sing. They were too busy pushing Michael Sarver, Lil Rounds, Danny Gokey and Alexis Grace that they sorta, y'know, ignored one of the guys who can sing well.

So who's going home tomorrow?
I think Jesus is taking the wheel and driving Alexis home.

Idol Recap :: PYT, Pitchy Young Things

2009-03-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

Time once again for my weekly recapery. And it seems like only yesterday that Michael Johns attempted a failed ascot revival while Kristy Lee Cook Texas-raped "Eight Days A Week."

It's the top 13 (!) this season on AMERICAN IDOL, as Seacrest gleefully reminds us. Remember back on Wild Card Night, when the judges pre-picked those contestants and then pretended they decided who would go on based on actual performances? And then claimed that they decided "just now" to make it a top 13 instead of a top 12, even though a "Suprise Twist" was leaked on the radio hours and hours before broadcast? And how AMERICAN IDOL treats us like silly bitches, for investing in the show in the first place? Ah, memories.

The judges emerge from backstage like so much FAMILY FEUD. Tonight's theme is Michael Jackson, and we are treated to clips of Jackson's career, back when he was still black.

Onto tonight's performances.....

Lil Rounds "The Way You Make Me Feel"
Lil's one of the best this season. Imagine a classier and less grating Fantasia. No, less grating. (waits) Still less. Yeah, there you go. Good job on this, a little bluesy. The judges like.

Scott MacIntyre "Keep The Faith"
Otherwise known as "the blind guy." I don't know this song, and I almost can't quite imagine Jackson singing it - but the Anglo-Estrogen mosh pit sways in hypnotic thrall. It's good, albeit "safe". Kara talks about Scott's "hopeful message" and Paula goes on about how "magical" he is.... which isn't quite fair. The other contestants can't help not being blind, right?

Danny Gokey "PYT"
Otherwise known as "guy with the dead wife." I'm a big fan of Danny, and I predict he'll be in it 'til the end. Don't know if this is the best song choice for him; I woulda chose something a little quieter and soulful. Doesn't matter - judges love.

Michael Sarver "You're Not Alone"
Otherwise known as "oil rig guy." This guy got so much screen time and there were probably subliminal "you love micahel sarver" messages placed in between frames. The Show has knighted him as Red State CroonerTM this season. He's got a good voice, but I've never been too overly about his performances. Even Simon jokes, "I just wish we knew what you did for a living." The judges continue with a "we love Michael" fillabuster. In case you STILL don't want to vote for Michael, here's a close-up of his adorable moppet daughter with a "Vote 4 My Daddy" t-shirt. Is your heart made of STONE, man? ("Vote for Michael or we will kill puppies. Love, The Show")

Jasmine Murray "I'll Be There"
Uh-oh, Jasmine immediately draws comparison to Mariah Carey by way of Michael Jackson. It's a little sharp in spots. The judges are leary with compliments.

Kris Allen "Remember The Time"
Kris is this season's "teen idol"ish character, but the 23 year old is already married (!) Oh, Arkansas! I don't think this guitar is doing him any favors. Vocally, he sounds good, but he's gonna need some more stage presense. Meanwhile, Simon is pawing at Paula - who is looking like Glitter and Gold Jem tonight, by the by.

Allison Iraheta "Give It To Me"
Allison is all faux-rocker this week. Good performance overall, with a little edge and rasp. Allison insists she not that dark and she isn't there "cutting herself and stuff" and Paula, in a brief moment of clarity, frentically mimes for Allison to zip it. Self-mutilation references are a no-no on IDOL, but soul-crushing is splendidly endorsed!

Anoop Desai "Beat It"
Otherwise known as "Anoop!" I like Anoop, and how can you not? I'm not sure this was a good song choice, after last week's"My Perogative." He could start to seem like a novelty act FAST. As Simon says, "lightweight" and "karaoke." Wrong song choice, judges agree.

Jorge Nunez "Never Can Say Goodbye"
Otherwise known as "The Emotional Spanish Dreamer." It's fine, but somewhat forgettable. The judges slaughter. Dreams are meant to be crushed, my Puerto Rican friend. What's Spanish for "one ticket home, please"?

Megan Joy "Rockin' Robin"
Otherwise known as "this year's Brooke White". Wow, she's 23 and divorced with a child? Oh, Utah! I always thought this song sounded like something Potsie Webber would sing at Al's Drive-In. Megan does a bouncy, aggressive version of the song. I'm not sure if it's corny - or if she took a corny thing and made it post-modern ironic. Are we still being post-modern? The judges don't like.

Adam Lambert "Black And White"
First known as "Broadway Goth", then "Faux-Goth Rocker." Either way, his fingernails are black. Adam "rawks", rather than "rocks," and don't pretend you don't know what I mean. Adam tries to Arena Rock the song within an inch of its life, and the flashing lights whisper "Adam rawks!". The song is on the floor, bleeding and begging for mercy. Paula's medication kicks in and she rambles about "stage" "fashion" and "total package." The judges have orgasms. Woah, I'm not so sold so early.

Sidebar: This new Osbournes Show look cornier than "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour", while somehow remaining typical crass FOX trash. What would Black Sabbath fans say if they had a time machine in 1985 and saw this?

Matt Giraud "Human Nature"
Otherwise known as "that guy they want you to compare to Justin Timberlake." This is a good song choice for Matt. The judges are still in post-coital Adam Lambert spooning mode, so they mildly like.

Alexis Grace "Dirty Diana"
Otherwise known as "single mom, when convenient." This song starts a little "eh", but by the second bridge it gets better. Alexis looks all "hooker with a heart of gold", aggressively strutting the stage in her f-me pumps. The Show refuses to give her hypnotic flashing "rawker" lights. Those are only for Adam, dear. Alexis walked the street corner, but the judges are like, "Money's on the dresser." They only mildly like.

So which TWO are going home?

I'm afraid it's "adiós" to poor Jorge, and "You Won't Be There" for Jasmine.

My Take on "The Graysons"

2008-10-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, The CW rocked the comics world with news of a pilot in development called "The Graysons," which would "follow the world of Dick "DJ" Grayson before he takes on the iconic Robin identity and aligns himself with Batman." It seems the CW is taking a page from the successful "Smallville" series, now in its 8th season. Heck, it even has the same producers. Comic fans have strong opinions on "Smallville"; I'm not much of a fan, although I've followed the series throughout its run. Whether you like it or not, you can't argue with the show's mainstream success and appeal.

Newsarama's blog asked me to weigh in on the series. UPDATE: Here's some other takes in addition to my own. Looks like I'm the most long-winded of the bunch. That's what happend when you get me started! Here's my thoughts on the news....

DJ or Not DJ

First, let me just mention that Nightwing is my all-time favorite character. He's got one of the most unique and rich histories of any comic character. And he's one of the few to actually grow up in front of our eyes. Heck, he's one of the reasons why I created titanstower.com.

So, "The Graysons." What's a long-time wingnut to think?

A lot of die-hard fans have objected to the idea of calling Dick Grayson "DJ." I am not one of them. I think DC should have taken advantage of one of their continuity reboots ("Crisis on Infinite Earths," "Zero Hour" or "Infinite Crisis," take your pick) to alter Dick's genetalia-icious namesake. His full name is Richard Grayson, after all. Post-reboot, if could have been easily altered to Rick Grayson (Rick is still a derivation of Richard and also rhymnes with "Dick") Let's face it, no one under the age of fifty would choose to be called "Dick." So, whatever, call him DJ, it's all good. It's also the least of my concerns.

Meet "The Graysons"

I think the show will find some challenges in how to meld the history of Dick Grayson and the DC characters into "The Graysons." "Smallville" had the advantage of Superman's entire legacy of family, friends and foes. I'm not sure how successfully "The Graysons" could meld in the Batman mythos, since many of those characters are specific to their interactions with Batman. And, especially, if Batman has not yet debuted in Gotham. Who knows what the producers are planning? Much like "Smallville", I'd expect "The Graysons" to take some liberties with the DCU characters and their timelines.

So, what do I hope for as a Dick Grayson (or, "DJ" Grayson) fan? First and foremost, I think they need to nail down the character of DJ himself. He's honest, loyal, smart, close to his family, intensively protective and dangerously curious. I think it's also important to figure out ways to propel the stories. If it were up to me, I'd have the pilot episode take place days after the mysterious "Batman" sightings in Gotham City. Intrigued by this urban myth, fourteen year old DJ would intensely follow this larger-than-life hero's adventures through newspaper and media. Inspired by this bold new hero, DJ would seek out trouble as Haley's Traveling Circus rode from town to town, often embroiling himself in situations that would call upon his acrobatic abilities and burgeoning detective skills.

The show would track DJ's progress, as he learns to become a hero. Tweaking the Robin/Batman timeline, the death of DJ's parents would have to occur on the very last episode, where we would witness the origin of Robin. Whether this happens after 3, 5 or 7 years would depend on the popularity of "The Graysons."

Haley's Circus

The circus backdrop lends itself to a cast of colorful and interesting characters. It's also a natural way for the show to introduce a variety of characters with strange abilities. Here's some suggestions for the main cast (you might recognize some, comic fans!):

John and Mary Grayson: From a long line of circus folks, John and Mary uphold the proud family tradition and regard Haley Circus as their home and its residents as their family. The Graysons don't own Haley's circus, but they do run it. A blend of old fashioned showmanship and new era extravaganza, Haley's Circus also becomes a haven for outsiders and those cursed with strange powers.

Grant "The Amazing Ravager" Wilson: Fans will know he is the son of Deathstroke, destined to die tragically as the first Ravager. But in this series, Grant is a troubled and tough marksman and therefore, knife thrower, for Haleys. Grant ran away from his family a year ago. He's best friends with DJ Grayson, but in many ways, the boys are polar opposites. With his severe anger issues, Grant would be the series "bad boy." As the series progressed, we'd see rising tensions and encounters with his father, the world-famous secret assassin. The Grant/DJ friendship could give the show the same vibe as the ill-fated Lex/Clark friendship. Plus, the show gets a fantatsic recurring villain in Deatshtroke!

"The Great Zatara" and his daughter, Zatanna: In the comics, Zatanna is a magic-wielding heroine. In this series, she has no powers, but she's got her own bag of tricks. Popular escape artist and magician Zatara is accompanied by his clever teenaged daughter and apprentice, Zatanna. Zatanna (Zee, for short) is close friends with DJ, and the willful teenaged girl helps him get out of tight spots with her escape-artist training and smoke-and-mirrors tricks. Zatanna would be intrigued by DJ's adventures and become his "side-kick," or a sort. And hell yes, she's got to wear the fishnets on stage.

Lilith "The Omen" Clay: Titans fans know her as Omen, the mysterious mind reader who long sought the truths behind her origins. For this series, Lilith would be a mentalist - "The Omen" - at Haley Circus, able to read minds and sometimes see the future. Lilith would also be on a quest to find her true parents and try to learn the source of her powers. Lilith is often scared of her powers and wonders whether they are a blessing or a curse. Withdrawn and troubled, Lilith is drawn to DJ's strength and confidence. Lilith provides some "super-power" vibe to the cast, but without overshadowing DJ. Her presense would also open up new story possibilities into the unexplained and supernatural. Her powers would also help DJ seek out crime from town to town.

For the first season, I'd create a season arc with two of Haley Circus' own residents: The bizarre brain-in-a-jar called "The Brain" and the talking genius gorilla, Mallah. The two masterminds would recruit fellow freaks (Houngan, Phobia, and others) and commit secrets crimes as the circus traveled from place to place. Seeing themselves as united in freakdom, Brain and Mallah would refer to their enclave as "The Brotherhood."

Bring On The DCU

It's a little harder figuring in Bat-characters, but I'd love to see a "team up" with a teenaged pre-Batgirl Barbara Gordon, an encounter with carnie-freak Croc, a run-in with a mysterious burgler known as the Catwoman. And, for sweeps, what's a circus without a clown? The circus would be the perfect backdrop for the Joker's version of "The Greatest Show On Earth," his own twisted circus extravaganza. It might be nice, in later seasons, for DJ Grayson to meet a precocious Tim Drake or a street urchin with an attitude named Jason Todd. Some other characters that might be useful in "The Graysons" may include Clayface, Lady Shiva, David Cain, Poison Ivy, Firefly, The Mad Hatter, and The Scarecrow.

Titans characters are a bit easier, since many of them are teens, and would fit well with a similarly aged DJ Grayson. Also, the Titans has its share of non-powered super guys, as well as teenagers that recieved accidental powers they have trouble dealing with. I can imagine tales that would involve archer Roy Harper (Speedy) in a possible recurring role as Grant's rival, carnie-kid Beast Boy, and perhaps the rest of the freakish Doom Patrol with him (especially is the show can establish a version of "The Brotherhood"). Some other Titans that could fit "The Graysons" universe could be Aqualad, Raven, Cyborg, Wally West, Magenta, Danny Chase, Flamebird, Thunder & Lightning and Pantha. And with Grant and Slade Wilson around, It would be great to see the rest of the Wilson clan (Joseph, Rose and Addie) eventually.

The show could also accomodate some of the Titans' most famous adversaries, like Brother Blood (a dangerous cult leader who lives off the energy of his followers), The H.I.V.E. (a vast criminal network), and even Cheshire and Vigilante as teenagers. With Lilith in the cast, I can also imagine her bad-seed illusion casting brother, Haze, as a recurring nemesis/frenemy. I would also take a page from the animated series and cast Gizmo as an annoying high-tech teen terror and Red X as a mysterious thief.

Then there's Nightwing's own rogue's gallery. Blockbuster might serve as a useful recurring nemesis with a vast crime network. It would also be natural for DJ Grayson to meet Double Dare, a pair of acrobatic thieves.

Some other DC characters could fit into "The Graysons," such as The Creeper or Deadman (who had circus origins himself).

Hey, CW, if you need a consulant, just give me a holler!

Seriously, though, if the show wants to please fans while striking its own path, it needs to be true to the character of Dick Grayson and his universe of characters. If the source material is treated with respect while creating an entertaining program, the show can have a successful run.

Bill Walko
titanstower.com

What you y'all think?

What's your take on "The Graysons"?

CHUCK: Second Season Premiere

2008-09-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

Maybe the best season opener so far for 2008. It really had all the things I like about the show, and served as a great "coda" for the series.

My favorite character, by far, is Casey. He had some awesome moments in this episode. I like his fondness for Chuck, and the fact its not overdone. I also love that we will never know if Casey would have actually followed his orders and killed Chuck. Also? Love Casey's apartment with its secret spy stuff.

The only thing I don't like about the show is the Buy More silliness (especially when it doesn't involve Chuck himself). The cage match battle wasn't really funny, and Morgan continues to grate. The inclusion of the Buy More staff in the opening credits has me fearful. I was hoping for LESS of that element, certainly not MORE.

But all the stuff with his sister and Captain Awesome> awesome. That stuff really works for the show. I love Chuck's relationship with his sister. It's 100x more interesting than Morgan. And I love his interplay with Awesome. I hope they live together for the rest of the season.

Oh, and Chuck's first date with Sarah was very cute.

HEROES: "One of Us, One of Them"

2008-09-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

AICN is hateful for the sake of being hateful in its "Heroes, Shmeroes" smear, but many of the points Herc raises are valid (others? not so much). What is frustrating for me, as a viewer, is the almost deliberate-seeming sloppiness of HEROES. The show can't seem to keep its own characters, plots and continuity straight. Even from one episode to the next!

EW gives another fair review, echoing many of my own thoughts.....

http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20228188,00.html

After watching tonight's ep, I have a few more "rants"

What is this show's obsession with the following plot: "here's a really bad thing that's going to happen; now watch our characters try to avoid it!"

First season had the prophetic paintings PLUS Hiro's glimpse into a nuked NYC.

Season two showed a glimpse at a future ravaged by a plague.

Now, season three shows us a glimpse into the... you guessed it... "Days of Future Copyright Infringement" PLUS ... now they are dredging up another dude who does prophetic paintings.

Methinks HEROES needs a new plot structure, especially for its season-long arcs!

Then we have the fun of the HEROES head scratchers: Why would Mama Petrelli let Sylar loose? Why would Sylar go along with a tenuous partnership and then return to possible imprisonment? Why would Peter accompany powered up villains to a bank robbery where he's out-numbered and out-gunned? Why would Claire's Two Moms not suspect she's going to run off the second she gets a chance? Why is Micah in a church/funeral home alone that's still exhibiting his mother's body? Why is Hiro an idiot?

And, although Sylar's arc looks intriguing, we've seen nothing in his behavior to suggest he wants redemption at all. He's been a cold blooded serial killer. It seems they are going to try to "blur" the lines of good and evil, with Peter as "bad" and Sylar as "good"... but I'm not quite buying it.

I admit I enjoyed moments of "Sylar as cop"... it was chuckle-worthy. But really, we've seen nothing in Sylar's past to indicate he's capable of that sort of ruse. Even when he was posing as "phony" telephone repairmen or whatever, Sylar couldn't shake his creepy-mojo.

Moreso, it seems like the HEROES crew is enamored with Zachary Quinto's ability to elevate what he's given in the script. I fear they are going to get too precious with this notion, as evidenced by (no doubt alternate-reality) Martha Sylert viewed in the previews.

And Hiro-Ando. This storyline just feels so forced. The rift in their friendship. Their new quest. It's a shame, because some of the dialogue was fun. And the notion of them chasing a villain backed by "oldtime serials soundtrack" was a little inspired. As usual, HEROES fails in its execution of what was a good idea "on paper." And, again, Hiro works best as earnest nerd. Emotionally retarded boy child? Not so much.

My final gripe... the way the show keeps using the word "villains" (cuz it's the name of the arc, silly!). "Claire, these people are villains." And Claire line about "tracking down these villains."

Really now, HEROES, do people talk like that? The show is self aware of comic books and Batman, Robin and the Hulk... yet it wants us to take it seriously when a character uses the word "villain" in an irony-free, turgid delivery.

Wouldn't one say super-powered criminals? whack-job lunatics? sadistically super-whammied (well, Chloe Sullivan would say something like that...)? When was the last time you heard someone say the word "villain" in normal conversation?

There are some good ideas in HEROES. Some potentially fascinating characters. Some undeniably fun moments. What is maddening is that, in there somewhere, is the potential for a great show... and instead, HEROES seems content with being a mild diversion.

HEROES: Third Season Premiere

2008-09-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

I'm still watching, but..... yeah.....

There's an EW review that points out many of my own thoughts....
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20228188,00.html

Here's just one quote:
"All too often, the characters behave not as they should, but as the plot needs them to"

That just about says it all... why didnt Peter time dump a day before Nathan's speech and just try to talk him out of it? Why does HRG guy leave classified level5 files on the kitchen counter?

and Hiro with his destiny and quest (back to my nit that Hiro is sometimes borderline retarded)-- why not start some super-power research center? Why would Hiro want to start another quest after all the death, hurt and pain he's seen? Did he already forget about his dead waitress? Why would Hiro's father grant Hiro access to a file he didn't want him to see? (maybe you're saying, "Hiro's father knew Hiro wouldn't obey that"... well, if so, why not just be direct about it? Why leave it to chance that Hiro just might obey the warning?

EW says it better than I:

"''I don't want to be a sentinel. I want to be a hero,'' says Hiro Nakamura, a man who has endured much — the deaths of family members, the loss of his first true love, the precipice of Armageddon — and should know better. That's what experience does: It teaches us. Instead, with his late father's company at his beck and call, and the world at his fingertips, he's pouting like a bored rich kid with a dead DS. Our greatest heroes of fiction are that great because they never want to be heroes. They don't want glory; glory is forced upon them. They rise to a challenge, not recklessly wobble about looking for one. And when their quest is done, they'd be pleased as punch to return to a normal life. All they want is a normal life. There's a fine line between looking for a destiny and coming off like a petulant lad with ADD.

And, speaking of knowing better, if Hiro's dad didn't want what was in the safe to be molested, he never should've told Hiro about it. Or left the access button on his desk. Or made the combination Hiro's fingerprint. Or, more to the point, put the most important thing in the world in that safe. Kaito Nakamura was a smart cat who shouldn't have been prone to doing dumb things. (And why are fathers in this show incapable of keeping their goodies hidden? Kaito leaves his Ragnarok formula in the wall safe, and Noah Bennett leaves the files on the worst superpowered criminals in the world...in a cardboard box in the kitchen. Gadzooks.)"

Why would Mohinder inject himself with a serum he knows could make him "Exploding Man" or "Dead Black Eyes Person"?

oh, and why is Nathan still all religious when Linderman shows up and says he cured him? Also, that politician says "I think I found our candidate" to Tracey (NuNikki), and then in ep2, NuNikki is trying to convince politician to partner with Nathan -- which was his idea-- continuity anyone?

And all these things happen - or don't happen - because Tim Kringe needs it to be that way for the plot to keep moving.

I do enjoy Peter, Elle and Mama Petrelli. And the actor that plays Sylar seems to be the only one that knows how to "play" with what he is given. I enjoyed his "I don't eat brains" line. Sylar, as a character. has reached a dead end-- but Zachary Quinto makes him playfully watchable at times.

Sylar is probably the best example of "changing personality to fit story purposes". He's an all-purpose badguy with inconsistent motives. Hell, his motives and drives have changed so many times, it's almost a joke that the character can't recall them sometimes.

Idol Recap :: Davids II Electric Boogaloo

2008-05-22T13:31:00.001-07:00

It is upon us! The Season Finale (or, Finally!) of American Idol. Ryan tells us that there was a kagillion votes as the Davids stand, decked out in their Backstreet Boys Best.

Outliving their 15 minutes of fame are Mikalah Gordon (reporting from Kansas City) and Matt Rogers (reporting from Salt Lake City). Mikkalah was one of those middle-runners from a past season. She's like a younger Fran Dresher only more annoying. Yeah, I know. And fame-whore Matt Rogers (another middle-runner) is equally annoying. This duo makes Constantine look like James Lipton.

Then there's a musical dance number with this year's top 12. Odds are, in the next year, 1 of them will be arrested, 1 will star on Broadway, 1 will become a moderate-selling country artist and 1 will have nude photos surface. Have fun guessing their fates!

Davids Duet: "Hero". Followed by in-show commercial for "Love Guru"... it's Austin Powers jokes recycled in Hindu!

Sayesha/Seal Marvel Team-Up.

Jason Castro sings "Hallelujiah" and remembers all the words.

A Ford video montage. Really, they are barely trying anymore. Can we do something new with this sponsor? Cue the Davids acting shocked when Seacrest gives them Ford Hybrids. Because they've never watched this show before.

All-girls singing a Donna Summer medley. Most of 'em do fairly well,,, Ramiele continues to "not get it" and Amanda Overmeyer is composed of pure, unfiltered fail. Donna Summer sashays in and puts them all to shame.

Carly Smithson and Michael Johns sing "The Letter." They actually do a pretty good job with this and harmonize quite well. And its ascot-free! Thank you, Michael.

Jimmel Kimmel returns. He was the one entertaining things about "Idol Gives Back." I'm sure Robin Williams is sitting home in his 1980s comedy time warp waiting for the phone to ring.

The all-guys medley is a Bryan Adams extravaganza, featuring his less-estrogen infused playlist. Y'know, stuff before 1993. Then he lost his testicles and starting producing lite-love-song crap.

Glamazon Jordin Sparks hawks the Disney "American Idol" experience. Just when ratings are declining. Way to strike while the iron is cooling, Disney!

David Cook sings "Sharp Dressed Man" with ZZ Topp. 'Tis good.

Mikalah returns again. Is my karma that bad?

Brooke/Graham Nash Duet. Pleasant.

The Jonas Brothers. I guess non-threatening pre-pubescent boy bands never quite go out of style. The sorority mosh pit pretends to like them.

Next is the "clip show" segment from auditions week. They trot out that guy that sang "I Am Your Brother". This is why other countries hate us.

One Republic performs "Apologize." Good song. David Archuletta joins in. It all sounds good.

Attention-Succubus Matt Rogers returns. Doesn't this guy have a job?

Jordan Sparks emerges wearing a Bratz doll prom dress. It's another light-weight pop confection. Not a fan. The camera cuts to Blake Lewis, who is singing this song from the audience. Curious, if a little "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane"-ish.

Next, we get a segment from 1972 of Gladys Knight singing "Midnight Train To Georgia" with The Pips. But it's not The Pips, it's digitally-inserted Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. I can't begin to imagine how this was brainstormed.

Carrie Underwood singing her mild brand of country music. Not by cup of Texas chili, but good for what it is. The ffwd button is my friend.

Guitar Hero has two amusing commercials parodying the famous scene from Risky Business." One has David Cook, and the second has David Archuletta. It looks like child labor laws require 'Lil Archie to wear boxers. I wonder if they allowed PapArchuletta on the shoot?

The Top 12 one last time, singing a George Michael Medley. Hot mess import George takes a break from sleeping at the wheel of his car to make a "surprise" appearance. Stripper David phone-mimes at George Michael and mouths "call me."

Before the judgement comes in, Simon says "I don't really care who wins, I think you've both done terrific." I believe the first half of that sentence, Simon.

And the winner is....

David Cook!

It's a bit of an upset, really. The judges applaud, and Simon looks surprised and sorta thrilled. Wow, I think, for the first time in the history of the show that the winner wasn't clear cut. Cook sings out "Time Of My Life", not the treacly song from "Dirty Dancing"... this is an entirely new treacly song.

There are tears and applause and fireworks. And somewhere in the audience, PapArchuletta is polishing his tire iron. Watch your back in the parking lot, Cook!

Well, that's it, Idolers. See you next year where we obsess about a bunch of people whose names we will forget 3 months later.

Walko, out (until 2009)!