Idol Recap :: DeWyze Move

0:01: Ryan introduces the two finalists: Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox both looking like errant students from Hogwarth's School of Soft Rock. As usual, Lee looks like he is chocking back vomit. This is Amercan Idol. The finale! Or as like to call it, The finally!

0:06: All The Remedial Idols are singing "School's Out For Summer" by Alice Cooper, all resembling hard-rockin' refuges from Eastland Academy on their way to the Chug-a-Lug. In case you're wondering, Crystal is totally Jo. Oh, and here's Alice Cooper. Someone tell him it's not 1976 anymore, and to wipe that make-up off his face.

0:12: Here's Kris Allen, reminding us of last season's fabulousness. Swaybots say "waddup!"

0:16: Simon Cowell retrospective. Stupid ass-hattery with Randy and Seacrest pretending to be glad.

0:18: Siobhan and Aaron singing "How Deep Is Your Love", followed by the two surviving Bee Gees singing the same. It actually manages to stay classy.

0:26: Big Mike singing "Takin' It To The Streets." Somewhere in the audience, I bet Rerun is totally recording this noise. "Rerun, it's called bootlegging. And it's ee-legal." Michael MacDonald enters, looking like someone just pulled him from a local Borders five minutes prior to this performance.

0:29: Oh, wonderful. Dane Cook. The criminally-unfunny faux-cool 38-year-old frat-boy comedian. Singing about Simon Cowell like a poor man's Adam Sandler. Didn't he have enough failed movies to fade away at this point? Please do us a favor and choke on a "sangwich" at "The BK Lounge."

0:31: A flock of auditioners who were slammed by Simon overtake the stage. Dumbass Ian Bernardo grabbed the mic and said, “Who cares? It’s all about Ian Benardo tonight!” and later added, “This is a Kanye moment” before his mic was cut. Dane Cook later tweeted, “That was not staged. Weirdo hijacked the song. Just glad he didn’t hit me in the face w/the mic or Americal [sic] Idol would b American Beatdown.” Yeah, nothing more threatening than an aggressive tweet, Dane. MTV News has more details if you care.

0:34: The girls singing a Christina Aguilera mega-mix, then joined by Christina, fresh from her time-travel journey raiding Madonna's closet from 1994.

0:42: Ricky Gervais, slumming, to say goodbye to Simon.

0:47: The guys singing a Hall and Oats mega-mix. Lee sounds great on "I Can't Go For That." He shoulda done sang that last night. Here's the real Hall (plus his new face) and Oats (minus the spectacular porn 'stash).

0:52: Seacrest reminds us to buy tickets for the Season Nine concert tour. I have more pleasant activities to schedule. Like that root canal I've been putting off.

0:53: Crystals' dad, looking like Vito at the gay bar.

0:54: Crystal and Alanis Morissette. I love how they change the line to "Is she perverted like me? Will she go down with you to the theater?" Because only total slut-skanks see movies. Often, I go trolling for whores at the Cineplex. Also, didja know this song is about FULL HOUSE's Dave Coulier? Never trust a guy who does Bullwinkle impersonations.

1:01: Carrie Underwood reminds us of the fabulous season four. Clothing furnished by The Fifth Element.

1:04: Kris Allen presents Crystal and Lee with new Ford Fiesta cars. (Really? Fiestas??? Further proof that Season Nine is decidedly low rent) They all pretend to be excited. The Michael Jackson Lisa Marie kiss was less staged.

1:06: Fresh from the Circle Inn, it's Casey James. Hey, he lost $50 to be here to sing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Brett Michaels enters, now on his 7th or 8th life, I lost count.

1:15: Lee singing with Chicago (the band), because he's from Chicago. The Show never claimed to be creative.

1:18: Holy hell, it's attention whore Matt Rogers, a former contestant that just won't go away. His fat ass is in Chicago visiting Lee's peeps. He's screaming at us, because we don't hate him enough already.

1:19: Simon retrospective. "Simon the Flirt." Ridiculous grade school antics.

1:21: "Pants On The Ground" You knew this was coming. Uncle Larry, complete with Federline-esque back-up dancers wearing baggy pants. Now William Hung joins him. Utterly ridiculous.

1:28: Paula reminiscing, and making sense, in a taped segment. How many takes did this take? Paula now enters live on stage. Weird stand-up act. Debbie The Stage Manager waits in the wings with a tranq dart.

1:33: Brian Dunkleman spotted in flashback. He really did exist!

1:35: Simon's semi-serious goodbye, "I had the best ten years of my life. Thank you. And I'm going to miss you."

1:36: Former winners - Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Hicks, Jordan Sparks, Kris Allen - singing "Together We Are One" for Simon. (David Cook - the only missing winner - was at a charity event) Then joined by a chorus of Idol also-rans from past seasons. Wow, I will say, this is a moment. I'm not even going to make fun of any of them. Although I'm sure it wasn't difficult for Taylor Hicks to clear his schedule. Damn. Almost made it.

1:38: Simon is touched.

1:44: Chorus of Season Nine also-rans. Did you forget their names already? You know you did. Janet Jackson enters, dressed like evil vampire Willow, sings a song medley.

1:52: Crystal and Lee retrospective.

1:54: Crystal and Lee singing "I Get By With A Little Help from My Friends." Lee sings Joe Cocker awesome-like, just as I predicted yesterday. Crystal rocks it. Crazy homeless looking Joe Cocker joins in. A nice moment.

2:01: The new American Idol of 2010 is... Lee DeWyze. He really loses his shit on stage.But quick, Lee, sing "Beautiful Day," we're running over!

Crystal is probably better served as a runner-up anyway. And Lee's pitch problems can be fixed in a recording studio, although it's unclear what kind of album he would even make. 'Cuz right now, he's like a dime store Nickelback.

And that, my friends, brings Season Nine to a close. It's been fun and exhausting, but mostly exhausting. This season has truly been the worst ever. The Judges have overtaken the show, the talent was super-thin, and The Show's manipulations get more and more transparent with each passing year. And, it's committed the worst sin of all: it's just been boring.

It's clear, Simon probably knew to get while the gettin' is good.

Idol Recap :: Dweezilsux

Tonight, Casey is back to singing at the Circle Inn for $50 a night. Payback is a cruel bitch.

Ryan starts the night announcing the "battle" between Lee and Crystal. I dunno, Ryan. This season, it's more like a schoolyard scuffle. A kerfuffle, if you will. So tonight, each of the Remedidols will be singing three songs: one redux, one Simon Fuller choice, and the coronation song.

The coronation song has mercifully been altered. It's no longer some variation on "The Dream of My Heart Will Make You Proud As Together We Can Reach The Stars." Now, it's a cover song. And the circle of karaoke life that is American Idol is now complete.

It's also Simon's last night. And by his limp, distracted feedback, it's like he's already checked out. Much like most viewers in the middle of this middling season of Forget-Me-Idols. So, onto the performances:

Lee DeWyze: Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Boxer”

Hmm. This wasn't as good or as memorable as the first time Lee sang this. It's mildly OK. Low energy level. Simon says, "I would expect more passion and excitement." Simon, if you're looking for passion and excitement, watch GLEE. Because here, these aren't the droids you're looking for.

Crystal Bowersox: Janis Joplin’s “Me and Bobby McGee”

Crystal killed this last time. It's mostly OK this time around, but a bit shrill in spots. What is happening tonight? The Judges all like it, and Simon says she's "back on her best." He's speaking British again.

Lee DeWyze: R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts”

This is a very strange choice for Lee. Michael Stipe's nasally whine is incompatible with Dweezil's rough timbor. It's almost OK as its own interpretation, but Lee would have better served covering an old Joe Cocker joint, making it completely modern. The Judges all but say "it sorta sucked a little, but our standards are low this year so s'allright."

Crystal Bowersox: Alannah Myles’ “Black Velvet”

This song belongs in a special category. The category of "I'm so sick of this song so please burn the master tapes." You too, "Old Time Rock n Roll," you are in my cross-hairs. Crystal sings it OK enough, but it seems rushed and the arrangement is disjointed. The original was a sexy-swampy serenade to Elvis. This one devolves into Mamasox on a bender, shouting a la Siobhan Magnus. The Judges all like it, and Simon even thinks she "nailed it."

Lee DeWyze: U2′s “Beautiful Day”

"If Lee wins it all, this will be his single." A cover of U2's "Beautiful Day"? Um, OK. Once again, it's nothing very special. More of a "So-So Day." Lee just doesn't have the vocal range of Bono. I also think Lee's nerves are getting to him. If only he would vomit live on stage. It would be the moment of the season. The Judges were like, "wasn't good, but you got better during the season while everyone else sucked more, so good on you." Simon also brings out the "you're a nice guy" card, which is Cowellese for "you gonna lose." Although, that Jedi mind trick didn't work on Kris Allen. Because he either had more talent or a shitload of Midi-chlorians.

Crystal Bowersox: Patty Griffin’s “Up to the Mountain”

Best performance of the night. This is a great Crystal moment, and should seal the deal for her as the winner this year. The Judges all like it, and Simon calls it... well, "the best performance of the night."

Retrospective on the season, backed by Will Young singing. Podunk girl who never rose an air-o-plane. Big Mike making a muscle (ugh). Casey stripping for Kara. Buffalo-Bill-like entity drawing lipstick hearts on a mirror. Pants on the ground. The robbed-from-top-24 Lilly Scott. Andrew Garcia singing "Straight Up" and unwittingly dooming himself. Seventies dude singing in his bathrobe. Tim Urban's on stage slip-and-slide moment. Group hug. It's like the remembrace-touch in LOST's sideways universe, only a thousand times less moving.

So who's gonna win? I'd say it's Mamasox's to lose, but a Dweezil upset wouldn't be unprecedented (see: Kris Allen). In truth, we the viewers win. As we are finally free of this lackluster season.

Idol Recap :: Doubled Over In Pain

Last week, Big Mike was sent back home to his new baby (did you know he had a new baby?). Tonight, the remaining Remedial Idols sing 2 songs each: one chosen by themselves, and the other is a song chosen by the Judges panel.

In kinder, less offensive news, Fox president Kevin Reilly told reporters that executives are aware of our complaints: “We’re changing the Idol format next year. We’re heard consistently from audiences they would like more performances, tighter results shows, so that’s what we’re going to do as we get into the spring.” That means a half hour results show. And hopefully, less sucktitude overall?

Tonight's show is very zip-zippy, with no mentor and all bizniss.

Casey James: Eric Hutchinson’s “OK, It’s Alright With Me”
If you don't know the original, it's an awesome low-key song by the under-rated Eric Hutchinson. By all rights, on paper, this matches Casey's bar-band-bluesy vibe. Oh paper, how could you be so wrong? It's a little off-key in spots... A virtual "Meh"lapalooza. The Judges all think it was just alright with them, as Simon notes, "it will leave no lasting effect" and a "dud song choice."

Crystal Bowersox: Melissa Etheridge’s “Come to My Window”
Crystal chose Melissa Etheridge's “Come to My Window”, which is a perfect choice for her. There's some pointless harmonica playing, and the arrangement is needlessly changed. Mamasox should be rocking this out, but instead, it's a solid and somewhat uninspired rendition. The Judges found it so-so

Lee DeWyze: Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man”
This is probably Lee's best performance so far. Nary a pitch problem, and neatly within his range. This is the Lee we shoulda gotten six weeks ago... but well, finally. The Judges like it, and Simon even says "I don't think you've won round one, I think you crushed the other two."

Casey James: John Mayer’s “Daughters”
Casey James sings "Daughters" by John Mayer, selected by Kara and Randy. It's boring and hard to sing. Are The Judges fixing for a Dewylsox finale? Conspiracy theorists: discuss. Also, Kara believes Case's audience is women and girls. And maybe some boys, too, Kara.

Casey mumbles his way through a sleepier version of this whiny dirge. Even the swaybots arms waft wearily, as if to say "please, bitch." The Judges mostly like, although Simon thought it was a "lazy arrangement."

Crystal Bowersox: Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”
Ellen selects "Maybe I'm Amazed" by Paul McCartney for Crystal. It's a good song that showcases her vocal chops.The Judges love.

Lee DeWyze: Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”
Dear movies, TV and American Idol: Give this song a rest forever. Love, me. Ugh, this treacly, quasi-religious, whispery ode to "moment of faux importance" is eye-rollingly cliché. But then again, it looks like Simon makes some coin each time this blight-on-humanity is played. Because, y'know, Simon needs more money.

It starts off wonderfully enough, but then becomes a bit of an overcooked ham, as an army of gospel singers enter... smokes wafts through the air... as Lee is bathed in white light. It's"Lee-sus Christ Superstar." It's good, but completely produced to be "epic."

The Judges love it, as Kara notes "you owned the night" and Simon says "you proved you're a fantastic singer and a great person." Yes, Lee, that Humanitarian Award is yours for the asking now.

So who's going home? Casey, I suggest you book that $50 gig at the Circle Inn next Tuesday.

Idol Recap :: Unwelcome To Hollywood

Last week, Harry Connick earned some props with such quotes as, “The word "Pitchy" does not exist judges. We need to stop saying that. He is singing out of tune." He also calls Casey a goat and snarks to Aaron, "Let's get serious, wipe that stupid smirk off your face." Meanwhile, Lady Gaga threw a hissy fit when the show cut her video by 90 seconds. But, then how could The Show fit in mindless elimination filler? Priorities, Lady (can I call you "Lady"?) And also, Aaron was eliminated and will undoubtedly body double for David Archuletta at some point in his "career."

Jamie Foxx returns as mentor tonight to give us "Songs of the Silver Screen." He's in the audience with t-shirts labelled "contestant" and "artist." Trying to up the game of the Remedial Idols, his Scooby-Snack-esque ploy involves rewarding the "true artists" with self-proclaiming t-shirts. So... Anyone want to buy 4 "artist t-shirts" from Jamie in 57 minutes?

In similar news, do you think the talent is worse this season? The pace slower? Simon's shirts too tight? You can honestly answer two of those three questions on the American Idol survey. So, if you haven't filled out your Idol survey explaining the various ways this show is terrible, then do so post-haste!

Lee DeWyze: Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose”

Lee sings that song from the Batman movie where costumes had nipples, and Nicole Kidman was the love interest. Seriously, the Ambiguously Gay Duo was less gay. And also, the song was played out on adult contemporary stations for 100 years after the movie. Lee sings the song well enough, but not spectacularly. Every week, Judges say, "step up your game," and every week, Lee's performances say, "I don't wanna." The Judges hand down the verdict, citing this week's performance as "just OK," "unoriginal" and "verging on karaoke."

Michael Lynche: Michael Jackson’s “Will You Be There”

Blue lights. Those stairs. This is serious bizness, bitches. It's the song from "Free Willy." Swaybots all but sing, "Hallelujah." It's slightly religious and evokes a little Michael Jackson, so Big Mike is covering some bases this week - Blacks and Bible Belt vote. The performance is mild and lackluster. The Judges only sorta like.

Crystal Bowersox & Lee DeWyze:

Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová’s “Falling Slowly”

Lee and Crystal sing "Falling Slowly", previously both owned and pwned by last season's Kris Allen. Whereas his version was sweet and slightly longing, this version is louder and pop-ier than it needs to be. Like something from a new Disney animated movie soundtrack. The good news is, it's in tune and actually good in spots. The Judges all overly love it, and unsurprisingly, fail to even mention Kris Allen's version. And also, Judges, calm down.

Casey James: Simon and Garfunkel’s “Mrs. Robinson”

Casey is practicing Mrs. Robinson, no doubt his ode to Kara DioGuardi. Jamie Foxx takes a page from that slut Andrew Llyod Weber and asks Casey to "Act as if I'm a woman. Seduce me." This debasement earns Casey an "artist" shirt. I've heard people do more for less on Broadway in the 80s. Casey's version of "Mrs. Robinson" is slow and listless, like it's smoked a big fattie and scarfed down a big bowl o' mac and cheese. My TiVo tells me it's about a minute and a half, but I could swear this thing lasted 134 years. The Judges were lukewarm and Simon thought it was "a little bit lazy."

Crystal Bowersox: Kenny Loggins’ “I’m Alright”

Kenny Loggins was the king of 80s soundtracks. It was his whole career for awhile, even. So throw a dart on "Songs of Cinema" night and you might hit a Kenny Loggins song. Crystal sings “I’m Alright” with her signature bluesy vibe, and she does a fine job with it. The Judges all like it very muchly.

Michael Lynche & Casey James:

Bryan Adams’ “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman”

This song was already given the deluxe treatment by Chris Daughtry in season five. Here, there's some decent harmonizing by Big Mike and Casey, but the whole thing is rather OK. Ellen answers, "As a matter of fact, I have loved a woman." And The Judges plotz. Oh no she di'int! The Judges also plotz over this duet.

Were they heavily medicated before the show began?

Here we are, three weeks to finals, and this season has yet to yield a true "moment." Like Kelly Clarkson's last few weeks, notably "Stuff Like That There." Or Fantasia's "Summertime." David Cook's "Hello." David Archuletta's "Imagine." David Cook's "Billie Jean" even. Melinda Doolittle's "My Funny Valentine." Chris Daughtry's "Hemorrhage." Bo Bice's "Whipping Post" - and doing "In A Dream" capella style. Carrie Underwood's "Alone." Katharine McPhee's "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." Adam Lampert's "Mad World." Kris Allen's "Heartless" and "Ain't No Sunshine."

Those were moments. In the absence of any true "moments" this season, The Judges have given up, and are giving glowing reviews to mediocre performances three weeks from the finale.

Feh. As for who's going., I'd say Casey James is heading for box office bust.

Idol Recap :: The Twain Shall Meet

“A paint salesman. A high school student. A glass blower. A mother. A father. A construction worker.” No, it’s not the all-new Village People. It’s Seacrest introducing our final six.

Flashback to last Wednesday, where “Idol Gives Back” managed to take… from me. 144 precious minutes, to be exact. So if it’s still taking up precious space on your DVR, allow me to recap:

Barack Obama said “you’re all my dawgs” without a trace of irony; The Idolers, dressed in the visual aftermath of the Second Coming, sang the under-rated “Keeping The Dream Alive” by Freiheit; David Cook visited Ethiopia and sang because … Pop music is nourishment for the soul?; Todd Bridges was in the audience, likely looking for someone to give back to him; Russell Brand and Jonah Hill performed some painfully unfunny shtick, that was actually a precursor to a movie I’ll never see; And Annie Lennox once again provided the classiest and most poignant moment of the show.

Also, Teflon Tim’s shields went down, and he was sent home, still smiling all the way. We shall all miss this clueless bastard, who provided unintentional entertainment on a weekly basis.

This week’s mentor is Shania Twain, who Ryan refers to as a “country pioneer.” You mean, like Laura Ingalls Wilder? OK, so Shania Twain is a country artist who crossed over into pop. Also, she all but devoured John Park like a Tasty Cake 100 years ago during auditions in Chicago.

Lee Dewyze: “You’re Still the One”

No, it’s not the 70s original co-opted by ABC’s gloriously cheesy promotional ads. It’s the overplayed Shania Twain opus. It starts off a little rough, but once we get to the chorus, s’all good, although there’s pitch problems throughout. Lee also makes the Kris Allen memorial triangle mouth while singing. The Judges all like it, and Jedi mind trick us be failing to mention any pitch problems, because aren’t we all pulling for the Dewylsox finale?

Michael Lynche: “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing”

Big Mike starts off sitting on the stairs. It’s Idol shorthand for “take me seriously, bitches.” He gets the soft magenta lights and the swaybots in fully synchronized accompaniment. It’s a technically solid performance, but honestly, it puts me to sleep. A Luthor Vandross Lullaby. The Judges like it, although Simon found it “wet”, which is British for “sucks a little.”

Casey James: “Don’t”

OK, so I’ve knocked Casey in the past as a typical Bar Band Singer. But I honestly have to give him some props tonight. It’s actually a nice, quiet performance, with just a hint of Blues. It’s a million times better than that Bob Segar lite we’ve seen from him. Well done, say I. The Judges agree, and Simon and Randy both think it’s his best performance. Then Simon has Casey molest Shania Twain on national television.

Crystal Bowersox: “No One Needs to Know”

Crystal, on the pimp stool, notes that Shania is “supersweet.” And Ryan drops this useful bit of nothing, “and she has really white teeth.” And Crystal was all like, “teeth are supposed to be white?” Crystal mentions that this song is an ode to her boyfriend, who she hopes will “step up someday.” Tabloids, commence dumpster diving.

It’s a typical Crystal performance: laid back, comfortable and pitch-perfect… And country, even. Not her greatest, but even her worst is better than most Top Twelvers best this season, let’s be serious. The Judges didn’t like it too much, but that’s only judging it on the Bowersoxscale. Or, conspiracy theory: perhaps they are trying to get fingers texting to prevent Crystal from being ousted early, a la Chris Daughtry?

Aaron Kelly: “You’ve Got a Way”

It’s all good and vocally sound, but just kinda boring. It’s a step up, because he’s at least believable singing the lyrics. Kara mentions that Aaron changed the line of the song. “when we made love,” because, Aaron is still sleeping in Power Rangers bed sheets. And also, he sang this song to his mom, apparently. Is there a way to combine “awww” and “ewww” in one word? Because I would like to do that at this juncture. The Judges, they all love it to pieces. They also decide he should be a country artist, because, why not? And also, no.

Siobhan Magnus: “Any Man of Mine”

Honestly, this performance is a little all over the place, much like Siobhan’s “hooker cowgirl meets Lillian August swatch catalog” outfit. Parts of it are good, parts of it are silly, and then she shrieks. Again. And, y’know, enough with that. The Judges all loved it, but Simon thought the scream sounded like she was “giving birth.”

So who’s going home? Hmm, really tough to guess based on tonight’s vocals. I’m actually guessing Big Mike will not be singing, “looks like we made it…”

Idol Recap :: "Alicia And The Off-Keys"

Reality Blurred provides an awesome recap of the Past 7 Days of Idol: "Last week, Ryan Seacrest had a long day and went insane, and then threw Crystal under the bus to recover. Adam Lambert showed up to help out, or to get help, if you believe the producer’s bullshit. And as the show’s musical director quit, a rumor appeared that Paula Abdul might return, though that was quickly denied, thankfully. In the meantime, Kara DioGuardi stripped naked. "

If only the actual show were half as interesting this season. Two Idols were sent packing, as Andrew went back to fulfill his custodial destiny (hey, his father said it, not me!) and Muppet Katie shuffled off to find the rainbow connection.

Tonight's theme is "Songs of Inspiration" with guest mentor, Alicia Keys. The show is finally back to an hour (thank you, Jesus), and it moves like a freight train. So off we go....

Casey James: Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop”

Casey kinda shout-speak-sings the song. It's a lazy performance that you might see at your local Six Flaggs, sung by an animatronic jug band. And with that, Casey has downgraded himself from "Good Bar Band Singer" to "Theme Park Act." The Judges are underwhelmed, and Simon thought it was "unoriginal" and a "lazy song choice."

Lee DeWyze: Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Boxer”

Lee's in the pimp chair. Seacrest, in some sort of Barbara-Walters-lite interview, tries to wring pathos out of Andrew's departure; The bromance is over and there's no baby Gokeys for these two. Lee is singing Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Boxer”, looking like something from "The CW's Presents: A Streetcar Named Desire." Lee gives the song some genuine pathos, and his voice actually gives the song a unique quality unlike the Simon & Garfunklel classic. The swaybots waft their arms in silent agreement.

Randy says his season is different because "it's about artists this year." Artists with broken crayons that can't stay within the lines and color people purple. And by "artists", Randy means "people we never should have chosen in the top 24." The Judges all like it, and Simon thought it was "sincere, emotional" and "brilliant" even.

Tim Urban: Goo Goo Dolls’ “Better Days”

Alicia coaches Tim on singing the excellent pop ballad "Better Days," which has weathered well through the years. In practice, Tim is singing this by way of Peter, Paul & Mary. Y'know, all those better days in that land called Honah Lee?

Note: Teflon Tim's past songs have all included the word "love." This week, Tim flirts with danger, in a song that doesn't allow him to camera rape the tweeners. The performance? I'm inspired.... to turn off my TV. It's crazy erratic and off-key. Really bad, easily the worst of the night. The Judges didn't like it, but they just pat him on the head and basically say, "That was good on the Tim Urban scale of what is good."

Aaron Kelly: R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly”

It's like they tried to rebuild David Archeletta but ran out of parts. Aaron is talented, but in a bland-boring sort of way. The Judges like, except Simon thinks it wouldn't work very well "in the real world." Shhh, Simon, we don't talk about "the real world" on this show.

Siobhan Magnus: Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston’s “When You Believe”

You call upon the wrath of The Judges when you invoke the holy trinity of divas (Mariah, Whitney and Celine). Crazy-pants Siobhan invokes two at once. She also takes bubble baths with the toaster on the very edge of the tub.

Although, arguably, Whitney doesn't even sing like Whitney anymore judging from her recent concerts. And the lesson, kids, is this: Crack is whack. OK, so Siobhan actually sings it pretty well, from a technical perspective. The Judges throw out some mini-hate, because they are apparently done with her and the money's on the dresser. And Simon even hates on her Poison Ivy inspired costume. "I was distracted by the... leaves," he sniffs. Thanks for that.... thoughtful critique of her singing?

Michael Lynche: Chad Kroeger’s “Hero”

Big Mike gets some time on the pimp chair, barely fitting his large frame onto the tiny seat. Mike does his usual over-emoting. To be fair, it's good vocally, but I'm so over Big Mike's pompous attitude and preening faux-sincere performances. The Judges half-like; Kara didn't care for it and Simon thought it was "a little artificial." On Simon's scale, Heidi Montag would also qualify as "a little artificial."

Crystal Bowersox: The Impressions’ “People Get Ready”

Crystal takes the stage without an instrument tonight - and she does just fine. What is there to say anymore? Crystal is in a completely different league from the rest of the contestants. She flubs the last line as she actually cries! Nobody can say this gal is phony, that's for sure. The Judges love and Simon sums it up, "That was inspirational."

We only had to wait 54 minutes into our "inspirational" episode for an inspirational moment. Bravo, Show.

Ryan lends Crystal a tissue, and high fives her with both hands. I half-expect the screen to freeze with a producer credit, like some cornball 80s sitcom. I guess being thrown under a bus is fairly easily forgiven.

So who's going home? I'm guessing Tim will find the vote results... less than inspiring.