Time once again for my weekly recapery. And it seems like only yesterday that Michael Johns attempted a failed ascot revival while Kristy Lee Cook Texas-raped "Eight Days A Week."
It's the top 13 (!) this season on AMERICAN IDOL, as Seacrest gleefully reminds us. Remember back on Wild Card Night, when the judges pre-picked those contestants and then pretended they decided who would go on based on actual performances? And then claimed that they decided "just now" to make it a top 13 instead of a top 12, even though a "Suprise Twist" was leaked on the radio hours and hours before broadcast? And how AMERICAN IDOL treats us like silly bitches, for investing in the show in the first place? Ah, memories.
The judges emerge from backstage like so much FAMILY FEUD. Tonight's theme is Michael Jackson, and we are treated to clips of Jackson's career, back when he was still black.
Onto tonight's performances.....
Lil Rounds "The Way You Make Me Feel"
Lil's one of the best this season. Imagine a classier and less grating Fantasia. No, less grating. (waits) Still less. Yeah, there you go. Good job on this, a little bluesy. The judges like.
Scott MacIntyre "Keep The Faith"
Otherwise known as "the blind guy." I don't know this song, and I almost can't quite imagine Jackson singing it - but the Anglo-Estrogen mosh pit sways in hypnotic thrall. It's good, albeit "safe". Kara talks about Scott's "hopeful message" and Paula goes on about how "magical" he is.... which isn't quite fair. The other contestants can't help not being blind, right?
Danny Gokey "PYT"
Otherwise known as "guy with the dead wife." I'm a big fan of Danny, and I predict he'll be in it 'til the end. Don't know if this is the best song choice for him; I woulda chose something a little quieter and soulful. Doesn't matter - judges love.
Michael Sarver "You're Not Alone"
Otherwise known as "oil rig guy." This guy got so much screen time and there were probably subliminal "you love micahel sarver" messages placed in between frames. The Show has knighted him as Red State CroonerTM this season. He's got a good voice, but I've never been too overly about his performances. Even Simon jokes, "I just wish we knew what you did for a living." The judges continue with a "we love Michael" fillabuster. In case you STILL don't want to vote for Michael, here's a close-up of his adorable moppet daughter with a "Vote 4 My Daddy" t-shirt. Is your heart made of STONE, man? ("Vote for Michael or we will kill puppies. Love, The Show")
Jasmine Murray "I'll Be There"
Uh-oh, Jasmine immediately draws comparison to Mariah Carey by way of Michael Jackson. It's a little sharp in spots. The judges are leary with compliments.
Kris Allen "Remember The Time"
Kris is this season's "teen idol"ish character, but the 23 year old is already married (!) Oh, Arkansas! I don't think this guitar is doing him any favors. Vocally, he sounds good, but he's gonna need some more stage presense. Meanwhile, Simon is pawing at Paula - who is looking like Glitter and Gold Jem tonight, by the by.
Allison Iraheta "Give It To Me"
Allison is all faux-rocker this week. Good performance overall, with a little edge and rasp. Allison insists she not that dark and she isn't there "cutting herself and stuff" and Paula, in a brief moment of clarity, frentically mimes for Allison to zip it. Self-mutilation references are a no-no on IDOL, but soul-crushing is splendidly endorsed!
Anoop Desai "Beat It"
Otherwise known as "Anoop!" I like Anoop, and how can you not? I'm not sure this was a good song choice, after last week's"My Perogative." He could start to seem like a novelty act FAST. As Simon says, "lightweight" and "karaoke." Wrong song choice, judges agree.
Jorge Nunez "Never Can Say Goodbye"
Otherwise known as "The Emotional Spanish Dreamer." It's fine, but somewhat forgettable. The judges slaughter. Dreams are meant to be crushed, my Puerto Rican friend. What's Spanish for "one ticket home, please"?
Megan Joy "Rockin' Robin"
Otherwise known as "this year's Brooke White". Wow, she's 23 and divorced with a child? Oh, Utah! I always thought this song sounded like something Potsie Webber would sing at Al's Drive-In. Megan does a bouncy, aggressive version of the song. I'm not sure if it's corny - or if she took a corny thing and made it post-modern ironic. Are we still being post-modern? The judges don't like.
Adam Lambert "Black And White"
First known as "Broadway Goth", then "Faux-Goth Rocker." Either way, his fingernails are black. Adam "rawks", rather than "rocks," and don't pretend you don't know what I mean. Adam tries to Arena Rock the song within an inch of its life, and the flashing lights whisper "Adam rawks!". The song is on the floor, bleeding and begging for mercy. Paula's medication kicks in and she rambles about "stage" "fashion" and "total package." The judges have orgasms. Woah, I'm not so sold so early.
Sidebar: This new Osbournes Show look cornier than "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour", while somehow remaining typical crass FOX trash. What would Black Sabbath fans say if they had a time machine in 1985 and saw this?
Matt Giraud "Human Nature"
Otherwise known as "that guy they want you to compare to Justin Timberlake." This is a good song choice for Matt. The judges are still in post-coital Adam Lambert spooning mode, so they mildly like.
Alexis Grace "Dirty Diana"
Otherwise known as "single mom, when convenient." This song starts a little "eh", but by the second bridge it gets better. Alexis looks all "hooker with a heart of gold", aggressively strutting the stage in her f-me pumps. The Show refuses to give her hypnotic flashing "rawker" lights. Those are only for Adam, dear. Alexis walked the street corner, but the judges are like, "Money's on the dresser." They only mildly like.
So which TWO are going home?
I'm afraid it's "adiós" to poor Jorge, and "You Won't Be There" for Jasmine.