0:01: Ryan introduces the two finalists: Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox both looking like errant students from Hogwarth's School of Soft Rock. As usual, Lee looks like he is chocking back vomit. This is Amercan Idol. The finale! Or as like to call it, The finally!
0:06: All The Remedial Idols are singing "School's Out For Summer" by Alice Cooper, all resembling hard-rockin' refuges from Eastland Academy on their way to the Chug-a-Lug. In case you're wondering, Crystal is totally Jo. Oh, and here's Alice Cooper. Someone tell him it's not 1976 anymore, and to wipe that make-up off his face.
0:12: Here's Kris Allen, reminding us of last season's fabulousness. Swaybots say "waddup!"
0:16: Simon Cowell retrospective. Stupid ass-hattery with Randy and Seacrest pretending to be glad.
0:18: Siobhan and Aaron singing "How Deep Is Your Love", followed by the two surviving Bee Gees singing the same. It actually manages to stay classy.
0:26: Big Mike singing "Takin' It To The Streets." Somewhere in the audience, I bet Rerun is totally recording this noise. "Rerun, it's called bootlegging. And it's ee-legal." Michael MacDonald enters, looking like someone just pulled him from a local Borders five minutes prior to this performance.
0:29: Oh, wonderful. Dane Cook. The criminally-unfunny faux-cool 38-year-old frat-boy comedian. Singing about Simon Cowell like a poor man's Adam Sandler. Didn't he have enough failed movies to fade away at this point? Please do us a favor and choke on a "sangwich" at "The BK Lounge."
0:31: A flock of auditioners who were slammed by Simon overtake the stage. Dumbass Ian Bernardo grabbed the mic and said, “Who cares? It’s all about Ian Benardo tonight!” and later added, “This is a Kanye moment” before his mic was cut. Dane Cook later tweeted, “That was not staged. Weirdo hijacked the song. Just glad he didn’t hit me in the face w/the mic or Americal [sic] Idol would b American Beatdown.” Yeah, nothing more threatening than an aggressive tweet, Dane. MTV News has more details if you care.
0:34: The girls singing a Christina Aguilera mega-mix, then joined by Christina, fresh from her time-travel journey raiding Madonna's closet from 1994.
0:42: Ricky Gervais, slumming, to say goodbye to Simon.
0:47: The guys singing a Hall and Oats mega-mix. Lee sounds great on "I Can't Go For That." He shoulda done sang that last night. Here's the real Hall (plus his new face) and Oats (minus the spectacular porn 'stash).
0:52: Seacrest reminds us to buy tickets for the Season Nine concert tour. I have more pleasant activities to schedule. Like that root canal I've been putting off.
0:53: Crystals' dad, looking like Vito at the gay bar.
0:54: Crystal and Alanis Morissette. I love how they change the line to "Is she perverted like me? Will she go down with you to the theater?" Because only total slut-skanks see movies. Often, I go trolling for whores at the Cineplex. Also, didja know this song is about FULL HOUSE's Dave Coulier? Never trust a guy who does Bullwinkle impersonations.
1:01: Carrie Underwood reminds us of the fabulous season four. Clothing furnished by The Fifth Element.
1:04: Kris Allen presents Crystal and Lee with new Ford Fiesta cars. (Really? Fiestas??? Further proof that Season Nine is decidedly low rent) They all pretend to be excited. The Michael Jackson Lisa Marie kiss was less staged.
1:06: Fresh from the Circle Inn, it's Casey James. Hey, he lost $50 to be here to sing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Brett Michaels enters, now on his 7th or 8th life, I lost count.
1:15: Lee singing with Chicago (the band), because he's from Chicago. The Show never claimed to be creative.
1:18: Holy hell, it's attention whore Matt Rogers, a former contestant that just won't go away. His fat ass is in Chicago visiting Lee's peeps. He's screaming at us, because we don't hate him enough already.
1:19: Simon retrospective. "Simon the Flirt." Ridiculous grade school antics.
1:21: "Pants On The Ground" You knew this was coming. Uncle Larry, complete with Federline-esque back-up dancers wearing baggy pants. Now William Hung joins him. Utterly ridiculous.
1:28: Paula reminiscing, and making sense, in a taped segment. How many takes did this take? Paula now enters live on stage. Weird stand-up act. Debbie The Stage Manager waits in the wings with a tranq dart.
1:33: Brian Dunkleman spotted in flashback. He really did exist!
1:35: Simon's semi-serious goodbye, "I had the best ten years of my life. Thank you. And I'm going to miss you."
1:36: Former winners - Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Hicks, Jordan Sparks, Kris Allen - singing "Together We Are One" for Simon. (David Cook - the only missing winner - was at a charity event) Then joined by a chorus of Idol also-rans from past seasons. Wow, I will say, this is a moment. I'm not even going to make fun of any of them. Although I'm sure it wasn't difficult for Taylor Hicks to clear his schedule. Damn. Almost made it.
1:38: Simon is touched.
1:44: Chorus of Season Nine also-rans. Did you forget their names already? You know you did. Janet Jackson enters, dressed like evil vampire Willow, sings a song medley.
1:52: Crystal and Lee retrospective.
1:54: Crystal and Lee singing "I Get By With A Little Help from My Friends." Lee sings Joe Cocker awesome-like, just as I predicted yesterday. Crystal rocks it. Crazy homeless looking Joe Cocker joins in. A nice moment.
2:01: The new American Idol of 2010 is... Lee DeWyze. He really loses his shit on stage.But quick, Lee, sing "Beautiful Day," we're running over!
Crystal is probably better served as a runner-up anyway. And Lee's pitch problems can be fixed in a recording studio, although it's unclear what kind of album he would even make. 'Cuz right now, he's like a dime store Nickelback.
And that, my friends, brings Season Nine to a close. It's been fun and exhausting, but mostly exhausting. This season has truly been the worst ever. The Judges have overtaken the show, the talent was super-thin, and The Show's manipulations get more and more transparent with each passing year. And, it's committed the worst sin of all: it's just been boring.
It's clear, Simon probably knew to get while the gettin' is good.