Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Idol Recap :: Unwelcome To Hollywood

Last week, Harry Connick earned some props with such quotes as, “The word "Pitchy" does not exist judges. We need to stop saying that. He is singing out of tune." He also calls Casey a goat and snarks to Aaron, "Let's get serious, wipe that stupid smirk off your face." Meanwhile, Lady Gaga threw a hissy fit when the show cut her video by 90 seconds. But, then how could The Show fit in mindless elimination filler? Priorities, Lady (can I call you "Lady"?) And also, Aaron was eliminated and will undoubtedly body double for David Archuletta at some point in his "career."

Jamie Foxx returns as mentor tonight to give us "Songs of the Silver Screen." He's in the audience with t-shirts labelled "contestant" and "artist." Trying to up the game of the Remedial Idols, his Scooby-Snack-esque ploy involves rewarding the "true artists" with self-proclaiming t-shirts. So... Anyone want to buy 4 "artist t-shirts" from Jamie in 57 minutes?

In similar news, do you think the talent is worse this season? The pace slower? Simon's shirts too tight? You can honestly answer two of those three questions on the American Idol survey. So, if you haven't filled out your Idol survey explaining the various ways this show is terrible, then do so post-haste!

Lee DeWyze: Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose”

Lee sings that song from the Batman movie where costumes had nipples, and Nicole Kidman was the love interest. Seriously, the Ambiguously Gay Duo was less gay. And also, the song was played out on adult contemporary stations for 100 years after the movie. Lee sings the song well enough, but not spectacularly. Every week, Judges say, "step up your game," and every week, Lee's performances say, "I don't wanna." The Judges hand down the verdict, citing this week's performance as "just OK," "unoriginal" and "verging on karaoke."

Michael Lynche: Michael Jackson’s “Will You Be There”

Blue lights. Those stairs. This is serious bizness, bitches. It's the song from "Free Willy." Swaybots all but sing, "Hallelujah." It's slightly religious and evokes a little Michael Jackson, so Big Mike is covering some bases this week - Blacks and Bible Belt vote. The performance is mild and lackluster. The Judges only sorta like.

Crystal Bowersox & Lee DeWyze:

Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová’s “Falling Slowly”

Lee and Crystal sing "Falling Slowly", previously both owned and pwned by last season's Kris Allen. Whereas his version was sweet and slightly longing, this version is louder and pop-ier than it needs to be. Like something from a new Disney animated movie soundtrack. The good news is, it's in tune and actually good in spots. The Judges all overly love it, and unsurprisingly, fail to even mention Kris Allen's version. And also, Judges, calm down.

Casey James: Simon and Garfunkel’s “Mrs. Robinson”

Casey is practicing Mrs. Robinson, no doubt his ode to Kara DioGuardi. Jamie Foxx takes a page from that slut Andrew Llyod Weber and asks Casey to "Act as if I'm a woman. Seduce me." This debasement earns Casey an "artist" shirt. I've heard people do more for less on Broadway in the 80s. Casey's version of "Mrs. Robinson" is slow and listless, like it's smoked a big fattie and scarfed down a big bowl o' mac and cheese. My TiVo tells me it's about a minute and a half, but I could swear this thing lasted 134 years. The Judges were lukewarm and Simon thought it was "a little bit lazy."

Crystal Bowersox: Kenny Loggins’ “I’m Alright”

Kenny Loggins was the king of 80s soundtracks. It was his whole career for awhile, even. So throw a dart on "Songs of Cinema" night and you might hit a Kenny Loggins song. Crystal sings “I’m Alright” with her signature bluesy vibe, and she does a fine job with it. The Judges all like it very muchly.

Michael Lynche & Casey James:

Bryan Adams’ “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman”

This song was already given the deluxe treatment by Chris Daughtry in season five. Here, there's some decent harmonizing by Big Mike and Casey, but the whole thing is rather OK. Ellen answers, "As a matter of fact, I have loved a woman." And The Judges plotz. Oh no she di'int! The Judges also plotz over this duet.

Were they heavily medicated before the show began?

Here we are, three weeks to finals, and this season has yet to yield a true "moment." Like Kelly Clarkson's last few weeks, notably "Stuff Like That There." Or Fantasia's "Summertime." David Cook's "Hello." David Archuletta's "Imagine." David Cook's "Billie Jean" even. Melinda Doolittle's "My Funny Valentine." Chris Daughtry's "Hemorrhage." Bo Bice's "Whipping Post" - and doing "In A Dream" capella style. Carrie Underwood's "Alone." Katharine McPhee's "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." Adam Lampert's "Mad World." Kris Allen's "Heartless" and "Ain't No Sunshine."

Those were moments. In the absence of any true "moments" this season, The Judges have given up, and are giving glowing reviews to mediocre performances three weeks from the finale.

Feh. As for who's going., I'd say Casey James is heading for box office bust.

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