Idol Recap :: All That Glitters...

Darth Vadar is Luke's father. Bruce Willis was dead all the time. Soylent Green is people. The Planet of the Apes was earth all along. And Michael Johns is eliminated from Idol. Ryan Seacrest and The Show would have us believe all these shockers are of equal value. I say, our wannabe anthem rocker's days were numbered. Michael, kindly give "Bewitched's" Uncle Arthur his ascots back.

Mariah Carey is the guest host tonight. The Show mentions her #1 singles and five octave range - but fails to mention the gorgeous hot mess that is "Glitter." Me? I want to see Mariah wheel out an ice cream truck on the Idol stage like when she went bat-shit crazy live on MTV a few years back.

I fear I will not be a fan of the show tonight. I know little of Mariah Carey. Only that she sings breathy ballads and occasionally hits notes that cause dogs to run in circles. She is also going to be a fakey-nice diva tonight, who will pretend to be a down to earth girl next door. "Mariah from the Block," if you will. I am filled with an overwhelming "meh."

David Archuletta "Believe"
David is rocking some black leather pants from Ricky Martin's closet. From 1999. NAMBLA members rejoice. The rest of us feel the same queasiness that the hootchie-slut Bratz dolls induce. David actually double-diva-dips, since this is a Mariah-Whitney thing. He does a nice job and the judges are love-love-love.

Carly "Without You"
Carly boo-hoo misses Micahel Johns - or MJ - and he gets an entire personality in this couch minute. Who knew? Carly does a nice job with the song. It's technically good, but Carly fails to "sell" any of her songs. They just sorta sit there. Carly's husband - looking like a villain from "Batman Beyond" - applauds with absolute conviction.

Back from commercial, Ryan is nestled in the Aryan mosh pit of estrogen. This show....

Sayesha "Vanishing"
Sayesha is actually in her element here, and she does a nice job with it. She finally figured out that she should stop picking "big" songs that everyone knows.

Brooke "Hero"
It's Brooke-at-piano. We all know the drill. An honest heartfelt performance, if not the best vocally. Brooke can't compare to the Mariah-diva standard here, but she does so-so. She's wise to use the piano. It distracts. Simon gives a confusing hamburger analogy, which confounds everyone.

Kristy Lee Cook "Forever"
Is this really the name of the song? I dunno. They don't tell me. Mariah and Kristy share a moment as deep as two sorority girls on pledge night. BFFS forevah (until I sleep with your boyfriend and tell people you have crabs). The judges hate in a sorta serpentine backhanded compliment way. It's like I'm watching Marie "compliment" Debra on "Everybody Loves Raymond."

David Cook "Always Be My Baby"
Hm, I wonder where on the Internet David "legitimately" might have found this version of the song? I kid. Sort of. Overall, I like David. And on Mariah night, he's a breath of fresh air, since he's not doing a Mariah-lite ballady thing. I like the performance and the arrangement. Keeping it real, the vocals are only so-so... but it doesn't matter. The judges dumped Carly for David Cook weeks ago and it's love-love-love.

Jason Castro "I Don't Want To Cry"
This is actually a good week for Jason. He's a good singer, and this sounds like a different song with a guy singing it. But it's good.

So Simon was right. The guys did better that the girls tonight.

So who's going home? Kristy Lee, I think your Confederate Spell of Protection has been broken. Your punishment is to watch "Glitter" in its entirety. You will be the third person to do so.