Last week, Matt received the lowest number of votes, and then “sang for his life.” (melodramatic much, Seacrest?) But yon judges took pity on the lowly Timerfake, and Matt was honored with the very first “judges save.” The heavens opened, and a starry light shined unto him, as he basked in the praise and glow of his partners in song.
The miracle was broken by the prophesy of Cowell, who bellowed: "I wouldn't be so quick to congratulate him. Two people are going home [next week] now. Second piece of bad news? Next week is disco week." And lightning crackled as Simon disappeared in a cloud of sulfur and brimstone.
Yep, the results show went down just like that, only a tad more dramatic. When calmer heads prevail, you realize that the judges only had one more week to use their save. “Why not add some drama?”, The Show shrugged. ‘Cuz if Lil or Anoop were on the hot seat next week, the dramatic judges save would not be invoked.
This week is disco week, which should be a blessing to some (Lil?), and a curse to others (Anoop?). Well, no mentor this week, kids, even though there are a killligion to choose from and — omgweareintoLil’ssongrightnow. Guess someone would get fired if the show went overtime again, hm?
Lil Rounds “I’m Every Woman”
Have you ever been to a wedding where the band played this song? And Aunt Betsy made her “raise the roof” hands on the dance floor? Well then, you’ve seen Lil’s version. There’s nothing particularly wrong with it, but it’s not all that memorable. Except for Lil’s killer “Jackie Brown joins the X-Men” outfit. The judges all hate as Simon declares it her “final night”. This week, Lil looks like she will cut a bitch.
Kris Allen “She Works Hard For The Money”
This song is completely and utterly reinvented. To the extent that, it’s just about unrecognizable. It’s not a bad thing at all, as Kris puts an original Santana-ish acoustic spin on it. Once again, Kris is doing what they say they want every week: original arrangements that are sung well. The judges like and finally, FINALLY Kris gets some props on this show. This is the week where The Show finally decides to support Kris. Paula makes some strange comment about “men usually not shopping in the women’s department” as far as song choice, which derails some of the conversation. Also, Paula, ask Adam where he buys his medium-size shirts and guyliner, just sayin.’
Danny Gokey “September”
Somehow, it’s utterly predictable that Gokey chose “September.” It seems he’s stuck in an endless loop of overplayed up-tempo crowd-pleasers. He’s given some Idolettes on stage that distract from his bad white-guy dancing. Objectively, this is “of equal value” to Lil’s performances, as far as I’m concerned. It’s not bad, but it’s still wedding singer level or bar band esque. The judges praise/distract with talk of “sexy voice,” “pitch” and other grasping-at-truisms. Because if you didn’t know, The Show wants Danny in the finals.
Allison Iraheta “Hot Stuff”
Remember those Saturday Morning Action cartoons made for boys where there was, like, ONE female character just for balance? On G.I Joe, it was Scarlet. The Superfriends had Wonder Woman. Even Jonny Quest later added Jessie. Well, American Idol is determined to keep Allison as their token girl character since changing the locks on Lil two weeks ago.
It starts out with “quiet sittin’ on stairs” sing. That means, bitch is about to kick it up, y’all. Then it gets raspy and attitudinal. What’s lacking is the meaning behind the song, which is a desperate (and scratching-at-the-door horny) woman yearning for... Let’s call it “good lovin.’” Cuz this is a PG-13 recap. Allison sings it like my 5-year old niece sings Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry”: The words are technically in the right place, but the emotion and feeling is not remotely comprehended. Vocally, it’s fine; A slightly different take on the song, but nothing extraordinary. Hot Stuff? Mild Stuff, sez I. The judges, to no surprise, they like. Just watch them go all “grrr” on her when she scrapes to the final four.
Adam Lampert “If I Can’t Have You”
Adam gets chair time, because, why? Are the next six weeks a mere formality at this point? The song itself is sung well, I must say, for the most part. The arrangement, however, is utterly indulgent and overly theatrical in its staged melancholy. “Hot One” “Inspiring” “Brilliant” “Original” Surprising? Not in the least. Adam is praised for doing something different each and every week. Because his serious-sad version of “If I Can’t Have You” is vastly different from his serious-sad version of “Mad World” two weeks ago. Except, it’s not.
Matt Giraud “Stayin’ Alive”
Hoo-boy. A deadly song choice. I just don’t know if there’s a way to cover this song that doesn’t come across as cheesy or also-ran. It’s vocally good in spots, but a bit manic, clumsy and uneven. The judges support Matt, except Simon who lays a truth smackdown.
Anoop Desai “Dim All The Lights”
Anoop! seems to have lost his fratboy “sings on a dare” vibe and tapped into his inner Usher. It starts off all slow and soulful, and then the song kicks in. Hmm, this approach seems to be the theme of the night. When it all kicks in, it doesn’t quite all work. It remains a few registers below where the song needs to live. The judges like it, but Simon once again reality checks and says “it was mediocre at best.” He overly hates, to the point of, where's the bucket of pig's blood, Cowell?
So which two are going home?
I think it’s Lil’s last round, for shizzle.
And Matt... I’m afraid you aren’t stayin’ alive.