Last week's one hour commercial for "Clash of the Titans" also contained some American Idol eliminations business. Also, Usher sang something and P. Diddy emerged with a troubling third personality. Oh, and the beleaguered Didi Benami was sent packing, while Teflon Tim emerged unscathed. And Sam Worthington looks to be as bored with this season as the rest of us.
Speaking of which, Seacrest brought up Tim Urban’s smiling in the face of criticism, and asked Kara DioGuardi what she thought. “I don’t think he understands what we’re saying,” she said, basically calling him dumb as a stump. I'd feel bad, except, Tim didn’t understand what she was saying.
In other news, Entertainment Weekly confirms that Adam Lambert will serve as guest mentor on the April 13 episode. No doubt imparting his intense and meaningful advice on how to properly apply black nail polish. Who's the next mentor, Show? Ke$ha? Ashley Simpson? The surviving member of Villi Vanilli?
This week, The Lennon-McCartney songbook is back to take a beating. There's a video message from Paul McCartney, who obviously hasn't seen Season Nine's crop of singers. And somewhere, in John Lennon's grave, there's more spinning than three seasons of Lynda Carter's "Wonder Woman."
Also tonight, each individual’s taped package involves getting a character assessment from the other eight. Which are about as insightful as Mario Lopez "reporting" for EXTRA.
Aaron Kelly, “The Long and Winding Road”
All the Idolers joke that Aaron is like Yoda, or something, and it's as non-hilarious as it sounds. The performance? It's all fine and good vocally, I suppose, but in presentation.... boring. Sleepy. Snooze-worthy. Like, tonight Aaron is human Ambien. The Judges are all like "zzzzzzzz" with words.
Katie Stevens, “Let It Be”
Katie's in the pimp chair talking about her 5 prom offers - and it's like a really bad issue of "Betty & Veronica." Hmmm, Aaron was everyone's little brother and Katie is like everyone's little sister, so say the fellow Idolers. The insights I've gleaned here are incomparable. Katie sings "Let It Be", and it's like another dose of Ambien. The judges all think it was awesome and Katie's blossoming. Blossoming like a weed.
Andrew Garcia, “Can’t Buy Me Love”
The Idolers say Andrew is a big goofball and always makes us laugh. Yup, I howled when he sang "Genie In A Bottle" and chuckled all through his "I Heard It Through The Grapevine." That dude is hi-larious. Andrew sings "Can't Buy Me Love." I'm not sure what to make of this; In spots, it almost approaches something that might have been interesting in a parallel universe... but other parts, it's like a bad carnival cruise version. The result? A bit of a muddled mess with a couple of good parts.
Michael Lynche, “Eleanor Rigby”
The huge insights about Big Mike? He's big and snores. Oh, the things we learn. He was also part of a black family band called "The Lynche Mob." Isn't that like Sharon Tate's family forming "The Helter Skleter Goodtime Music Crew"?
Mike sings "Eleanor Rigby." He's telling this melancholy story, but he's pointing and posing like a pimp playa. Imagine Ving Rhames singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider." It's something like that. The arrangement is overwrought. Way too showy and broad for this song. The whole thing is overcooked and left in the oven for a hour. Sidenote: David Cook sang this much better two seasons ago.
The judges are once again grading on a curve, loving it to pieces. Only Simon brings the smelling salts, citing it as "something from a musical" and "over the top." Then Big Mike challenges Simon to a "pecs contests," and suddenly, I have nightmare visions of four man boobs. Also, Big Mike tends to deflect criticism by saying "Look, muscles." Your muscles don't do the singing, asshat. Seriously, I've had enough of the Jolly Black Giant.
Crystal Bowesox, “Come Together”
Crystal has a cold. Every week, there's a new illness this season. What's next on this show, the Black Plague? Or, please, the "28 Days Later" zombie disease? Because then I'd totally be into this season.
Mamasox sings "Come Together" quite nicely, and once again proves she's the only consistently good thing about this season. She switches the song up, but in a way that suits her style. And accompanied by a didgeridoo, no less.
Tim Urban, “All My Loving”
Everyone talks about Tim's frozen Joker perma-grin. It's so endearing. And by endearing, I mean creepy. Tim's not as dumb as he looks, picking another love song so all the tweens swoon and vote-dial on their Hello Kitty phones until their little fingers bleed. The Judges try a new strategy: Tim gets good marks. Conspiracy Theory: decent reviews make voters complacent. Vote For The Worst warns us to keep voting.
Back from commercial. Ryan walks over to audience members David Boreanez and Emily Deschenal to plug "Bones." This season's Lacey Brown - who was first voted off - is sitting right next to Deschenal, but gets no mention whatsoever. You are dead to us, whore.
Casey James, “Jealous Guy”
Casey is alike a soap opera star and has blond, flowing hair, they tell us. The revelations tonight, I tell you. Casey sings "Jealous Guy." In the original, John Lennon made the song a painful but sweet ode to the green eyed monster. Casey's version removes those soft melodies and turns it into something akin to White Lion's "Jealous Guy." It's vocally competent, but misguided. Come to think of it, that kinda describes Casey, too.
Truth time. If you went to a bar, and Casey was singing some of this lite-Blues, you would think it sounded like a pretty good cover band. But the second Casey is trying to hawk his CD in said bar, you'd think, "Well, I'm not buying this stuff." And that's Casey. Good-enough cover song singer, and that's about it.
The Judges all love it to pieces. It's like they all recalibrated their expectations to compensate for this sucky season.
Siobhan Magnus, “Across the Universe”
Everyone reveals that Siobhan is weird. Y'know, for the benefit of those of us without eyes. Siobhan sings "Across The Universe" quite nicely -- although also evokes the extreme theme of narcolepsy tonight. It's sorta puts me to sleep. A theme of this season, actually. I am amused that Siobhan is swathed in the remainder of Bjork's Swan dress. The Judges like, but only sort of.
Lee Dewyze, “Hey Jude”
Lee always thinks he's going home and has apparently started a bromance with Andrew. Crystal gets the line of the night with, "I’m Glad Those Two Can Be Together, Get Married, and Have Lots of Little Danny Gokey Babies." Oh Crystal, I love you a little bit for that, even if you are a flea-bitten, dreadlocked creature that looks like your address reads "under a bridge."
Lee's "Hey Jude" is sorta OK in spots, and a little pitchy (ahem) and off-kilter in other spots. But look: Bagpipes! And just like that, they disappear into the Scottish Mist. Random much? Kara sorta sums it up, "there was some bad moments, but overall, I'm still a fan."
So who's going home? I'm actually guessing Teflon Tim's Song-Massacre Mystery Tour is over.