Last week, The Show doubled down on cheese and used "The Judge's Save" to spare Michael Lynche. The good news? Wednesday night is a double drive-by, where we'll say goodbye to two Idolers.
Even though we were promised a reduction in Swaybotitude, the show opens with Ryan high-fiving them while saying "'sup, 'sup, 'sup." Dear Ryan, you are not "street" and hair highlights do not count as "colors."
Tonight's songbook theme is Elvis hits. Which makes sense, because Elvis once shot his TV. Sort of like I feel like doing every Tuesday during Idol's ponderous ninth season.
And the guest mentor is Hot Tranny Elvis impersonator, Adam Lambert. You remember Adam from last year; The Show loved him to pieces and pushed him so hard, that everyone revolted and voted for Kris Allen. Adam brings his deep and meaningful eight-and-and-half months experience to the Remedial Idols. Imagine Ashlee Simpson imparting acting tips. It's something like that, with music and guyliner.
Ryan chats with Glambert, who rightfully notes that the contestants need to "wake up." And with that, part of me doesn't care that he looks like K.D. Lang and Bea Arthur's long-lost butch daughter. Ryan also mentions that Adam gained two inches (... with his hair) and compliments the Glam One on the length of his tongue. OK, Seacrest, it's gone from subtext to text at this point.
Crystal Bowersox, “Saved”
Adam hopes Crystal can "let her hair down and toss those dreads around a bit." Yes, PETA would thank you for freeing those poor fleas. Crystal brings a big bluesy energy to the song in a pitch-perfect performance, once again separating herself from the pack. The Judges rightfully love.
Andrew Garcia, “Hound Dog”
Adam tells Andrew his version of "Hound Dog" was boring, and urges him to "make it yours." Careful, Adam, in such advice lies madness. And yup, Andrew sings the song like a 45 record played at 33 speed (look it up, my millennial bitches). It's weird and slow, and devoid of any energy or swagger. In other words, Epic Fail (look it up, my Gen X bitches). The Judges found it lacking, and Simon thinks all of Andrew's "coolness has been sucked out of him."
Tim Urban, “Can’t Help Falling in Love”
Although Kara thinks Tim "doesn't understand," I think he understands plenty. Case in point: picking a song with the title, "Can't Help Falling in Love," once again locking the tween vote, and hypnotizing Glambert into thinking he's hitting all the right notes. And suddenly, the Glam One is mooning over Teflon Tim like Marcia Brady at a Davy Jones concert. Boy, look what you've done to him.
Tim actually does a pretty good job with the song overall, almost giving it a quiet James Taylor guitar vibe. Or, in Idol terms, a Jason Castro vibe. Probably his best performance. The Judges agree, and Simon says that Tim has "gone from zero to hero."
Lee DeWyze, “A Little Less Conversation”
Adam tells Lee to smile a little. An unsmiling Lee agrees. The performance is overall good, as each week Lee figures his shit out before a national audience. Per usual, he doesn't hit 100% of the notes, but it's original and cool and contemporary. So once again, the sum of these slightly disjointed parts works. The Judges like it, and Simon notes it was "on the money, full stop." Do they say things like that in Britain? Sometimes I think Simon makes up phrases to toy with the lowly Yanks.
Aaron Kelly, “Blue Suede Shoes”
Adam wants Aaron to growl and and "grab it." And then he counsels him on his song, too.
I have to give Aaron some credit this week. He takes the stage in a turned up collar and swaggers around, growling and giving the song some bluesy energy. But ultimately, it's still just a Star Search kid performance. Aaron is this season's 'lil Idol. Vocally sound, but nothing unique. The Judges like, except Simon, who thought it was "unoriginal" and "karaoke."
Siobhan Magnus, “Suspicious Minds”
Adam wants Siobhan to give the song more "ooomph." Let's hope "ooomph" isn't Siobhanese for "shriek." Siobhan can sing, but the song is sorta a mish-mosh or showy scream-notes and normal singing. The Judges are mixed, and Simon thinks it was "erratic" and "shrieky."
Back from commercial, Ryan mentions that forgotten first season co-host Brian Dunkleman will be hosting part of "Idol Gives Back." But, guffaw, he's only kidding. And in some KFC breakroom, the human trivia note known as Dunkleman shakes his fist at the television ruefully.
Michael Lynche, “In the Ghetto”
Big Mike looks like he mugged Jason Mraz and Elvis Costello on the way to practice, sporting thick-rimmed glasses and a jaunty hat. Big Mike over-emotes the song, and slows it down to a crawl. The Judges, however, liked it.
Katie Stevens, “Baby What Do You Want Me to Do”
Katie practices the song dressed like a Bratz doll, bringing the same amount of raw energy to her performance. Katie takes the stage looking like a Persian cabbie's dashboard threw up on her dress. It's all fake baby-doll attitude, like B.B. King by way of Vanessa Hudgens. The Judges sort laugh through some soft critiques and Simon adds, "I found it loud and kind of annoying."
Casey James, “Lawdy Miss Clawdy”
Holding court in the Land Of The Swaybots, Casey towers above them as Mayor of Bland. It's an OK performance, like all of Casey's lite-Blues bar-band forget-me-yeses. The Judges are all like "meh" and "shrug", but they use actual words.
Now we get to watch "Glee," where young people can actually sing well and be interesting at the same time, a multi-tasking feat lost on Idol's ninth season.
So which two are going home? I'm guessing that Andrew and Katie are Returned To Sender.
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