SMALLVILLE: "Bizarro"

"Bizarro" marks the season premiere of SMALLVILLE's seventh season. It was... OK. It clipped along nicely and had some nice action sequences. But I have my list of gripes. This show always falls short in the strangest ways.

They ruined Bizarro. Last year they ruined the Phantom Zone villains and this year they squandered Bizarro. Really, Smallville Producers, this isn't hard. I woulda much preferred "Three Evil Teen Krypto-Criminals" coming to earth rather than "Body Possessing Wraiths." Can you imagine Zod as a 20-year old smarty schemer, Ursa as a gorgeous uber-bitch with design on Clark and Non as a muscle-headed football jock? Man, that coulda been a whole season of teh awesome. Instead, they go with the Krypto-Mystical-blah-dee-blah.

So, Bizarro. Yeah. It would have been cool if Lionel tried to clone Clark and failed (thus, Bizarro). Instead, he's evil wraith that's not quite Bizarro at all. And, he's pretty much Red K Clark, which, y'know, we've seen. That's as bad as making Mister Mxyzptlk a foreign exchange student that runs a gambling ring. Oh, wait...

Then there's Lexie. Every time he edges closer to becoming evil dude, he goes emo on us. I don't want to see Boo-Hoo Prison Lex in the 7th season. I want scheming, evil, murdering Lex. And kill Lionel please. Lionel should have died in that explosion. Things I Learned Watching Smallville #28. "Head trauma is not nearly as serious as I believed it to be." I love all the explosions on SMALLVILLE that leave people slightly bruised and wincing slightly.

And, oh, I need to "call" Jor-El on his surpreme superdickery. All this "tough love" parenting was to prepare Kal-El for this fight we are seeing now? Call Galactic Child Services! He is sooo not getting father of the year.

I always enjoy the SMALLVILLE hospital scenes for their unintentional comedy. Things I Learned Watching Smallville #27. "Listening to doctors is highly optional. People like to leave hospitals without doctor's consent, and often enter rooms when they are told they are restricted." I love how Clark just busts into the room! And I love how Chloe is declared dead and just burns her own death certificate, as if that solves everything. Nah, hospitals don't care about missing dead bodies that have been toe-tagged.

The whole Clark-Bizarro showdown was kewl-fight, but introduced "magic sun rays" previously unseen on SMALLVILLE. They magically heal now? Since when? Oh, since we need it for this scene and then never again? OK! Oh, SMALLVILLE!

I did chuckle (in a good way) at Chloe's line, "He can fly? Clark, you gotta get on that." Chloe has actually become my favorite character on the show. She's usually calling everyone on their smallvilledickery. But then she has a graoner when she calls Bizarro Clark's "Bobbsey Twin." Yes, all the college kids are referencing obscure turn-of-the-century comic strips these days. I blame the schools.

But then I chuckled, in a bad way, at Lana's Shanghai Surprise. Really, we all knew she was alive even though we all wished her dead. And I love how halfway around the world, she find security in a bad Britney Spears wig. Hilarious! Like, Ed Wood level hilarious. She is truly Clark's greatest enemy on the whole show. Just when we think she's gone... It's a slow painful torture, this Lana Lang.

Supergirl looks kinda cool.