It is upon us! The Season Finale (or, Finally!) of American Idol. Ryan tells us that there was a kagillion votes as the Davids stand, decked out in their Backstreet Boys Best.
Outliving their 15 minutes of fame are Mikalah Gordon (reporting from Kansas City) and Matt Rogers (reporting from Salt Lake City). Mikkalah was one of those middle-runners from a past season. She's like a younger Fran Dresher only more annoying. Yeah, I know. And fame-whore Matt Rogers (another middle-runner) is equally annoying. This duo makes Constantine look like James Lipton.
Then there's a musical dance number with this year's top 12. Odds are, in the next year, 1 of them will be arrested, 1 will star on Broadway, 1 will become a moderate-selling country artist and 1 will have nude photos surface. Have fun guessing their fates!
Davids Duet: "Hero". Followed by in-show commercial for "Love Guru"... it's Austin Powers jokes recycled in Hindu!
Sayesha/Seal Marvel Team-Up.
Jason Castro sings "Hallelujiah" and remembers all the words.
A Ford video montage. Really, they are barely trying anymore. Can we do something new with this sponsor? Cue the Davids acting shocked when Seacrest gives them Ford Hybrids. Because they've never watched this show before.
All-girls singing a Donna Summer medley. Most of 'em do fairly well,,, Ramiele continues to "not get it" and Amanda Overmeyer is composed of pure, unfiltered fail. Donna Summer sashays in and puts them all to shame.
Carly Smithson and Michael Johns sing "The Letter." They actually do a pretty good job with this and harmonize quite well. And its ascot-free! Thank you, Michael.
Jimmel Kimmel returns. He was the one entertaining things about "Idol Gives Back." I'm sure Robin Williams is sitting home in his 1980s comedy time warp waiting for the phone to ring.
The all-guys medley is a Bryan Adams extravaganza, featuring his less-estrogen infused playlist. Y'know, stuff before 1993. Then he lost his testicles and starting producing lite-love-song crap.
Glamazon Jordin Sparks hawks the Disney "American Idol" experience. Just when ratings are declining. Way to strike while the iron is cooling, Disney!
David Cook sings "Sharp Dressed Man" with ZZ Topp. 'Tis good.
Mikalah returns again. Is my karma that bad?
Brooke/Graham Nash Duet. Pleasant.
The Jonas Brothers. I guess non-threatening pre-pubescent boy bands never quite go out of style. The sorority mosh pit pretends to like them.
Next is the "clip show" segment from auditions week. They trot out that guy that sang "I Am Your Brother". This is why other countries hate us.
One Republic performs "Apologize." Good song. David Archuletta joins in. It all sounds good.
Attention-Succubus Matt Rogers returns. Doesn't this guy have a job?
Jordan Sparks emerges wearing a Bratz doll prom dress. It's another light-weight pop confection. Not a fan. The camera cuts to Blake Lewis, who is singing this song from the audience. Curious, if a little "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane"-ish.
Next, we get a segment from 1972 of Gladys Knight singing "Midnight Train To Georgia" with The Pips. But it's not The Pips, it's digitally-inserted Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. I can't begin to imagine how this was brainstormed.
Carrie Underwood singing her mild brand of country music. Not by cup of Texas chili, but good for what it is. The ffwd button is my friend.
Guitar Hero has two amusing commercials parodying the famous scene from Risky Business." One has David Cook, and the second has David Archuletta. It looks like child labor laws require 'Lil Archie to wear boxers. I wonder if they allowed PapArchuletta on the shoot?
The Top 12 one last time, singing a George Michael Medley. Hot mess import George takes a break from sleeping at the wheel of his car to make a "surprise" appearance. Stripper David phone-mimes at George Michael and mouths "call me."
Before the judgement comes in, Simon says "I don't really care who wins, I think you've both done terrific." I believe the first half of that sentence, Simon.
And the winner is....
It's a bit of an upset, really. The judges applaud, and Simon looks surprised and sorta thrilled. Wow, I think, for the first time in the history of the show that the winner wasn't clear cut. Cook sings out "Time Of My Life", not the treacly song from "Dirty Dancing"... this is an entirely new treacly song.
There are tears and applause and fireworks. And somewhere in the audience, PapArchuletta is polishing his tire iron. Watch your back in the parking lot, Cook!
Well, that's it, Idolers. See you next year where we obsess about a bunch of people whose names we will forget 3 months later.
Walko, out (until 2009)!