While Jason Castro travels home to catch up on his TiVo Season Pass of "Weeds", Ryan takes us through the the three remaining contestants: the teenager, the actress, and the bartender. Some would say the puppet, the diva and the thief. This is American Idol, bitches.
This week, the remaining Idolers sing three songs each: one chosen by a judge, one chosen by themselves, and one chosen by the producers. In honor of the theme, I'm taking three aspirin before the show begins.
David Archuletta "And So It Goes"
Paula chooses for David to sing "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel. Gheppeto-esque PapaArchuletta watches his little puppet dance - from a safe distance in the audience. You see, PapaArch was banned from the American Idol rehearsals for his overbearing suggestions, which caused the show to shell out some extra cashola to Sean Kingston. "Ruin a young boy's psyche all you like, PapArch... but don't cost us money," soulless Show whispers.
The performance? It's technically good, if a little boring. Paula and Randy love, while Simon keeps it real by saying it was "very good" if "predictable."
Sayesha "If I Ain't Got You"
Randy chooses for Sayesha to sing "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys. It's all technically good, if perhaps a little Wedding Band-ish. The judges somewhat begrudgingly love. Sayesha says she feels comfortable enough to be herself now. Would that be a not-so grating, unprecocious non-child-star? Please?
David Cook "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"
David Cook checks his fake text message from Simon Cowell while he's a guest on Fox4, telling him to sing "First Time I Ever Saw Your Face" by Roberta Flack. I bet Simon really sent him nude photos of Vanessa Hudgens.
Seacrest tries to back some lame gay joke about Simon's song choice for David, but no one's subscribing to "Seacrest Gay Innuendo Weekly" anymore. David actually goes a good job with the song, switching it up just enough and singing in key while he's doing it. The judges approve.
David Archuletta "With You"
David sings "With You" by Chris Brown. It's another one of David's strange up-with-people numbers that seem stolen from Elton John's drawer labeled "rejected Disney songs." David stiffly hops in place and points at the Alpha Delta Cappa Mosh Pit. In short, David is a Mousketeer trying to be Rick Spingfield. The judges pretend to love because they want that David-David finale.
Sayesha no doubt picked Peggy Lee's "Fever" because the judges stuffed her in the sassy Broadway box a few weeks back. Sayesha vamps and sashays around a chair, but comes across as a declawed sex kitten. After mildly molesting the Cello player, Sayesha continues to sass up the stage hoping to earn the judges' favor. To be fair, it's a perfectly fine vocal performance, if a little tame and withdrawn with the real attitude needed to carry this off. Not the high school play faux attitude seen here.
The judges all hate her song choice. Sayesha looks genuinely disappointed, since she is sitting squarely in the very box the judges placed her in. But remember, it's gotta be a David-David finale, peeps.
David Cook "Dare You To Move"
David Cook chooses to sing Switchfoot's "Dare You To Move," and the audience pretends to know who Switchfoot is. Turns out to be a bad song choice. David fancies himself an angst-alt-rocker, but his voice ain't strong enough to sustain the low-register growl that is a prerequisite for such a career choice. The big-swell notes get him somewhere, in a Daughtry-lite kinda way. The judges give gun-to-head decent reviews, because they want that Davidx2 finale.
David Archuletta "Longer"
Archuletta sings "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg. Once again, he gives the Disney-bot technically good performance. David injects some wistful melancholy in the song. He's probably just thinking about homeless people, since that worked for him back in the "Top 24" days 100 years ago. The judges praise, because we all know what they want that David-duo finale.
Sayesha "Hit Me Up"
The producers pick a perky but forgettable romp of a song for Sayesha. She does a fine job with it, but its ultimately disposable. Here's where the judges and The Show try to secure their David-David finale by taking the nails in Sayesha's coffin and smouldering them shut....
Randy says it was " just ai'ght for me" (Dick!). Paula says she's not sure if it's "good enough to get into the finals" (Bitch!) Simon mentions that her best moment was last week (British!), so hit the bricks, baby! Worse yet, they kill on her song choice, which was the producer's choice. Should they even bother giving us Sayesha's digits?
David Cook "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing"
The song starts off a big rough, but a few lines in, David hits his stride. Of course, the 90-piece band and overly powerful back-up singers don't hurt none. It's the Ricky Minor Supergroup Featuring David Cook. If The Show hasn't hedged enough bets, here comes the flashing lights, insisting "This dude is a major rocker, bitches!" Shock of shocks, the judges, they likey!
So who's going home? The Show desperately wants Sayesha to sashay her sass back to off-Broadway, so they can bask in their David-David finale.
Who I am to argue? The Show has spoken.