Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Idol Recap :: Hurls On Film

Last week, the living skeleton known as Iggy Pop writhed his mummified torso on stage, while Pia Toscano was shockingly eliminated. Yes, Pia. Stefano carried a horrified look of survivor's guilt as he slunk back to the winners' chairs.

Shocking? Not so much, given the fact that the pitch-perfect balladier never showed much of a personality on stage. And the producers even admit she never was a frontrunner.

Also not frontrunners? "Fatties." In attempts to fill the estrogen mosh pit of Aryan goodness in the audience, a young woman was allegedly told, "Oh no, you’re just too big, too heavy to be in front!” And suddenly, the American Idol audience has turned into Gattaca. Bring your papers to prove your genetic perfection... otherwise, it's the balcony of uggos, bitches.

Tonight, its' "Songs from the Movies." And the Show's gift to us: no one sings that bad Aerosmith song from the horrible meteor-of-doom flick.

Steven Tyler Fashion Look of the Week:
Norma Desmond's Silk Collection

Paul McDonald :: "Old Time Rock n Roll"
Is there a Mr. Furley thrift shop I should know about? Because here's Paul rocking a similar R.F.-esque rose jacket, only sent through the Negative Zone. Paul is singing that hoary wedding chestnut. You know the one, where your cornball uncle gets up and sashays around while biting his bottom lip? And everyone pretends its funny? Yeah, that one.
Please, someone, burn the master tapes to this.

Paul thinks this song is "awesome", so we know he's a tool. His version is a raspy, off-key car wreck of a performance. It's like Dylan McKay's drunk karaoke dare. And no, that sexy sax player can't save you. The Judges lie and say they liked his "wild abandon." I agree with the wild abandon part... Just not the "like" part.

Lauren Alaina :: "The Climb"
ProducerJimmy tells Lauren she's a much, much better singer than Miley Cyrus. Which is like complimenting someone by saying they're a much better actress that Pia Zadora. Lauren gives us a memorial-Pia-Toscano type ballad. It's a little listless and dirgy, instead of hopeful and sprawling. And then it comes alive about halfway through. The Judges, though, loved it.

Stefano Langone :: "End Of The Road"
This one's by Boyz II Men, from the forgettable "Boomergang." It's vocally sound stuff, a very solid performance. The Judges agree, saying Stefano's "in it to win it." Jlo even gets all Jenny From The Block out as she calls it "The Sh-t."

Scotty McCreery :: "Cross My Heart"
This is from a movie called "Pure Country." Of course it is! It's more K-Tel Country goodness from Scotty. Honestly, to me, it sounds like this dude is sideways-singing the exact same song each week.

Casey Abrams :: "Nature Boy"
ProducerJimmy thinks this song will be too "small" on the big-boy Idol stage. This might play OK in a random Jazz Club on a Thursday night. But here, it's a slightly off-kilter, growly performance. Awkward at the start, a little more polished toward the end. Plus, Casey is giving us the Buffalo Bill stare-down and I'm a'scared. "It puts the lotion in the upright bass, or else it gets the hose again." The Judges find Casey to be a complete "artist" and try to sell us all on that. Not sure America is buyin.'

Haley Reinhart :: "Call Me"
Haley is wearing a debazzled multi-colored mini from "Laugh-In." It's an odd choice and a bit of an herky-jerky performance. The Judges were iffy on this, except Steven, who pervs on her mini skirt. And finally, Haley's wardrobe strategy pays off. Somewhere, Haley Scarnato is texting her vote in slutty sisterhood.

Jacob Lusk :: "Bridge Over Troubled Waters"
ProducerJimmy doles out some tough love, saying "I just think Jacob doesn't need to be doing 'corny' right now." Unfortunately, 'corny' is Jacob's default setting. ProducerJimmy jiggles the cord and tries to reboot by suggesting "Bridge Over Troubled Waters."

Like all Jacob's performances, it's vocally sound, just 42% too churchy. The Judges all love it, and Steven babbles about his "crescendos" and "innuendos" like a gone-wrong INXS video. Jacob says he connected with the song because, "I've been in a lot of bad situations and I've needed someone to lay down for me and cover me." And by "someone," he wishes Jake Gyllenhaal.

James Durbin :: "Heavy Metal"
ProducerJimmy cautions James' song choice, But Durbin sticks to his guns and blasts out the Sammy Hagar, er, classic? Once again, Show flashes "this rawks" concert lights, and even dusted off a long-haired guitarist who hasn't seen work since Wasp broke up.

And there's James, bustin' out the screech in his "rock superstar" costume from Party City. With his dual devil horns. I admit, it's all vocally sound... With with a large heaping of WTF. The Judges feel like "they just went to a concert." Err, that's because Show creates that effect every week. OK, I'm officially annoyed by this character now.

So whose scene ends tonight? I'm guessing there's no sequel in store for Haley.

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