Thursday, April 21, 2011

Idol Recap :: The Mod-nificent Seven

Remember 100 years ago when this show was only an hour? God, I miss those days. This week's theme is "Songs of the 21st Century." Because this show is so edgy and modern, we're gettings songs from 2002 and 2005 tonight.

But first, a song from the Idol cast-offs whose names we've already forgotten. There's Rasta-Girl, Disney Princess, Spanglish, Mr. Furley, and The Rest. Just like the "Gilligan's Island" theme, I can't be bothered to utter those last two names. It's all one big hot mess. Like TheBayville Sirens on crack.

Steven Tyler Fashion Look of the Week:
Woodstock Slut

As added "entertainment" tonight, the remaining Idols weighs in on each other.

Scotty McCreery :: "Swingin'"
Everyone makes fun of the way Scotty caresses the microphone like a a gentle lover. Scotty's performance is a little flat. Not since Warrant's "Cherry Pie," have lyrics been so transparent. But from Scotty, it's like Howdy Doody singing "I Want Your Sex." The Judges wanted to see more from Scotty, and Randy even found it "safe" and "boring."

James Durbin :: "Uprising"
Everyone makes fun of James' cheesy-poseur rocker scarves. And just then, Steven Tyler cries a little inside. James is singing "Uprising" by Muse, which is an awesome song. ProducerJimmy thinks this will help James break out of his Heavy Metal poseur shell. James rocks in the stage in some post-Apocalyptic Sgt. Pepper jacket - accompanied by crazy lights and a marching band. Now he's holding a staff and screeching at me. Why does this man screech at me every week? Compared to this incomprenhisble theater of the absurd, "Vanilla Sky" was linear storytelling.

Bleh. Not sure why James gets these full concert treatments every week. Well, actually, I know why. Show wants him in the finale, if not the win. The Judges all love. Are we surprised? We are not.

Haley Reinhart :: "Rolling In The Deep"
Haley rocks some Adele, which is a tall order for her range. Despite her Lucy Ricardo dress, Haley does the song some justice. It's solid, although not blow-me-away crazy.

Jacob Lusk :: "Dance With My Father"
Everyone says Jacob is a diva, and mock his "ya-ya-ya" runs that last til Thursday. Jacob's father died when he was twelve, so he's singing "Dance With My Father." Because if his performances have lacked one thing, it's drama! So, ok, it's actually a pretty understated performance. As always, vocally solid. How can I hate on him when this is dedicated to his departed daddy? Damn you, Lusk! The Judges thought it was beautiful and emotional.

Casey Abrams :: "Harder To Breathe"
Everyone thinks Casey is weird. Like, Joaquin Phoenix weird. Like, Randy Quaid weird. What, a guy can't have serial killer eyes? Casey switches up the arrangement of this Maroon 5 tune, breaks out the guitar, and flirts with the estrogen mosh pit. The performance is almost good-ish. But like Casey himself, his performances amount to an unsettling melange. He ends it by creeping up to Jlo's face and planting a kiss on her. The Judges plotz! What will Casey do next? Wacka-wacka-wacka! Essentially, Casey has become a novelty act. Here's two songs away from becoming Norman Gentle.

Ryan comes out on stage with a Casey beard, because Ryan is no stranger to beards, if you know what I mean. Casey encourages him to kiss Jlo too, but Ryan fears the harsh sting of cooties.

Stefano Langone :: "Closer"
Stefano is singing the song like the 6th Backstreet Boy, and ProducerJimmy wants less pleading and more strutting. And yup, Stefano struts the stage with a smattering of camera rape to boot. Randy and Steven liked it, while Jlo thought he "really had his swag going on." Jlo, I believe the American Idol lawyers warned you to stop staring at Stefano's "swag."

Lauren Alaina :: "Born To Fly"
Lauren's rocking the Country hard this week, and she does a great job overall. The Judges think Lauren should have more confidence, because she has the talent to win this whole thing. That Show-code for, "we really want Lauren in the finale."

So who's going home tonight? I'm guessing Stefano and his "swag" have seen their last.

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