8:01: The two-hour extrava-meh begins with Ryan introducing us to the two finalists, Kris Allen and Adam Lampert. They just returned from 1999, where they apparently raided the closets of the Backstreet Boys.
8:03: Judges introductions: Randy looks like he just auditioned for the role of "Shoe Shine guy #2" in "Newsies"; Kara is sporting her power-diva earrings; Paula is looking more and more like a Bratz doll; And Simon still hasn't figured out the purpose of buttons on shirts.
8:07: Fame-succubus Micalah Gordon is in Conway, Arkansas (Kris' hometown). Stay away, Angelina Jolie, lest Micalah lock you in her basement and feed on you for months!
8:08: Carly Smithson is in San Diego (Adam's hometown). She's representin' cuz she's also from San Diego.
8:08: Top 13 sing Pink's "So What". Look! There's what's-his-name and blond girl - and Spanish guy! They are all dressed in white, with slight variations. If this was an episode of the "Twilight Zone", you'd think it was heaven until (twist!) -- it's revealed as hell! It's more or less a hot mess with everyone cavorting about having their own mini-concert. Except poor Scott has no idea where to look, so he chooses "vaguely upward". The "Brady Six" style choreography is mostly ignored. They look like the cast of the new FOX show, Shovin' Buddies (video here).
8:14: David Cook sings his new song, "Permanent", a tribute to his brother (who just died of cancer).
8:19: The ridiculous "Golden Idol Awards". Look! It's all those horrible guys from auditions you already forgot about! And Normund Gentle (who you just almost forgot about).
8:26: Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah. "They are black. They are women. They sing. Let's pair them together," thinks Show.
8:33: Anoop and Alexis Grace with the awesome Jason Mraz. Soon joined by the rest of the Idols. Maaaaaan, why didn't they pair Kris Allen with Mr. A to Z?
8:36: Kris Allen's story. You only need a few highlight words: Humble. Dark Horse. Creative. Likable.
8:37: Kris Allen and Keith Urban sing "Kiss A Girl." The song is written from the POV of a twelve year old, but the guys sing it well. They have some good energy together.
8:44: Girl Power Sing-a-Long, "Glamorous Life". Megan Joy sings off tune. The girls sway in emotional unison like Stepford Idols. Fergie joins them for some "Big Girls Don't Cry," that damn infectious song (not that I've ever left it on the radio... much). Then it's the whole Black Eyed Peas. Related Trivia: Fergie used to star in the Idol-esque music show, Kids Incorporated, not that I ever watched it.... much.
8:51: More "Golden Idol Awards". Bikini Girl. Alexis Cohen 2.0. Random blond girl. Bikini Girl wins - and accepts the award donned in a bikini - with some new fun bags as well. Then she sings and Judge Kara joins her (disproving Bikini Girl's criticism of Kara earlier in the season). The they sway and hug - and Kara rips her dress open to reveal a bikini! "It's all for charity," they tell us. This, undoubtedly, is what Susan B. Anthony fought for right after that whole suffrage thing.
9:00: Allison and Cyndi Lauper sing "Time After Time" (one of the best pop songs, like, ever, so respect!) It's actually a bad vocal fit for Allison's low growl, but Cyndi is awesome. They manage to harmonize nicely so all is forgiven. PS with a bit of "wow, this song is that old": This song was released 6 years before Allison was born.
9:04: Kris' parents being adorable and gracious.
9:05: Adam's family, nervous.
9:05: Danny Gokey singing "Hello." It's ok but it doesn't hold a candle to David Cook's version which I love muchly. Then Lionel Ritchie enters and sings a duet with Danny Gokey of an unknown and utterly horrible song. Then Lionel and Danny sing "All Night Long." (a nod to the duration of this results show, perhaps?) Danny does his bad white-boy dance. One gets the feeling than Danny is operating under the delusion that he can dance. Self-awareness is your friend, Gokey.
9:15: Adam Lampert story. The Show tells us he was born in a manger and died for our sins. No, wait, that's Jesus Christ. After this season, you understand their confusion. You only need a few highlight words: Unique. Star. Incredible.
9:16: Adam sings "Beth" looking like a the evil mirror universe version of David Bowie from "Labyrinth." Then Adam introduces Kiss and joins them for a medley of songs. In the context of Kiss, and singing with them, it all works. Even Adam's occasional shriek. Then Kiss almost break a hip smashing a guitar.
9:26: Carlos Santana sings with Matt Giraud. Soon, all the Guy Idols join in. Then the girl Idols. They are all wearing black and red, like they practice the Santeria.
9:29: Kris and Adam in a final Ford music video. It's a "clip show" with all the music videos past. Kris and Adam are harmonizing well. Then there's the obligatory "the finalists get a Ford" segment, where they pretend to a) be surprised and B) want a Ford.
9:31: Steve Martin in a bizarre music segment with Megan Joy and Michael Sarver. Hello, fast-forward button! I'm glad you could join me this evening.
9:37: Guy's Sing-a-Long to "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy". Rather toothless, all things said and done. Rod Stewart joins them - looking, singing, and swaying old.
9:44: Last "Golden Idol Award" Bad female singers from auditions we already forgot about. And Tatiana, who we all want to forget about.
9:52: Kris and Adam singing "We Are The Champions". Then... what's left of Queen (?) joins them. They sound good and look like they are having fun. Didja know Adam and Kris were roommates at Idol house? They both seem like nice guys and it's cool to see them supporting each other and having a good time up there moments before the final results.
10:00: Seacrest was right. We are running into overtime. Simon has some nice words to say, "I don't normally mean this, but I thought you were both brilliant [...], incredibly nice people and [...] the future is all yours."
The results: The winner of American Idol 2009 is... Kris Allen.
Yes, Kris Allen.
That sound you just heard was the space-time continuum collapsing upon itself. Kris looks absolutely shocked. Speechless. (like the judges, I'm sure). Adam looks happy for him. Cut to Kris' family crying. Cut back to Kris Allen in a complete state of shock, and manages "Are you freakin' serious?" and "Adam deserves this. I don't even know what to feel right now. This is crazy."
Crazy indeed. Awesome crazy.
10:03: EVERYONE is giving Kris a standing ovation except Simon, who is sulking. "wah!" Douche.
10:05: Kris wonders if it was better to lose when he once again is forced to sing "No Boundaries." He sings it better than last night, I think. The other idols join him. Confetti rains.
Wow, a pretty crazy season overall. Who ever thought Kris Allen would take it all? Adam Lampert will undoubtedly get a record deal as well (and that's great for his fans, too), but... well, wow. Kris has been the Little Engine That Could all season long. Good for him.
Until next year, Idolers....