Last week, The Show bade farewell to Matt Giraud, who will forever be footnoted as the first contestant to be awarded "the Judge's SaveTM". Which got him exactly two extra weeks on a reality singing show. A year from now, we will fondly remember him as, "Who!?!"
We were also reminded of the blight on humanity known as Taylor Hicks, whose performances are "drunk uncle at a wedding" level bad. I thought after everyone not buying his records and being dropped from his label, Hicks might have the good sense to fade into obscurity. Take. The. Hint. This, the same week Constantine Maroulis has been nominated for a Tony Award. Me am hating this Bizarro world. Me want to to laugh myself to sleep.
Apparently, in protest, the American Idol set reacted: the logo tower on the audience’s left, which had partially collapsed, also caused glass shattering. Suddenly, the American Idol set is my new BFF. Don't anger set, Taylor Hicks. You wouldn't like set when it's angry.
And also, Show doesn't mention that stage manager Debbie Williams fell from the top of a flight of stairs, dangled from a railing, and dropped to the floor. Because, OM-capital-G, The logo fell! Priorities much?
Usually at this time of year, the four finalists would sing two songs apiece. But because Show can't get its shit together, we are getting four solos and two duets. Meanwhile, a team of NASA scientists are trying to discover how adding a fourth judge has caused a tear in the space-TiVo continuum.
Seascrest introduces all the judges and contestants. And there's so much black leather, you'd think they were filming an episode of HEROES set in a future... where everyone is evil and plots make no sense. And then Hiro squints hard and still, nothing makes sense. It's really because it's "Rock Week." Then, the judges make devil horn signs with their hands because, I guess, it's Rock Week. Or, they're asshats. Or, perhaps both.
Slash is the mentor this week. Slash, from Guns N Roses. If you're under 25 years old, look them up on Wiki. The Idolers bob their heads up and down as Slash plays. Gokey adds a sneer, cuz that means he's bad ass, right? Calm down, Gokey, Slash is just here to plug his new solo album.
Adam Lampert “Whole Lotta Love"
Good song choice for Adam, I suppose. Adam takes the stage looking like a Gay Elvis or a Butch-Leather KD Lang. I'm not quite sure which, honestly. There's a lot of guylining and it looks like a jewelry chest threw up on his neck. The singing? It's Adam so everyone will love it, but I find it too shrill and theatrical. The judges all love it to death.
Also, this week Kara looks like a lesbian biker chick that will cut a bitch.
Allison Iraheta “Crybaby”
Janis Joplin is a perfect choice for Allison. It's not bad, but it's a little shouty and in comparison to the great Janis, you can see Allison's voice isn't as strong. There's some body-in-place hopping and arm fisting, because bitch is serious. Randy and Kara don't like, but Paula and Simon mostly do.
Kris Allen and Danny Gokey “Renegade”
Already covered in a memorable performance by Chris Daughtry in season five. It's an awkward performance because the song isn't suited to be a duet. It also looks like they didn't have time to rehearse enough (Seacrest already noted they didn't have enough time for dress rehearsal). There's the ceremonial "picking up of the mike stand", as Idolers do when "rawking out." The judges don't know how to react. They try to like, except Simon, who decides to go bitchcakes and say "I don't know what to say [...] Danny was better." A completely unwarranted dick move. Kris looks like someone just stepped on his puppy.
Kris Allen "Come Together"
Tough week for Kris, who is not an anthem-style rocker. He's more a Year One Jason Mraz. He chooses a Beatles song, which is probably a good move, because Kris is more about melody than power. He manages to put his own little mark on it as well during the bridge. The judges hate on it. Now, Kris looks like a stepped-on puppy. Looks like The Show decided it wants that Gokey-Glambert finale after all. Or do they? (see below)
Danny Gokey “Dream On”
Slash warns us "it can go either way" with Danny singing this song. He warns us that Gokes needs to hit that high note that everyone was expecting. Slash himself seems wary of those chances. Hmm, the arrangement is switched up a bit and I'm not sure that's a good thing. Gokey has the rasp to his voice that's not the same as Aerosmith's Steven Tyler. As in, Tyler's is controlled. Danny? It's like the old lady in church with the 3-pack-a-day habit is singing "Dream On". Then, the high note: It's scratchy, wild, uncontrolled, and I think a Wildebeest is going to enter stage left and hump Gokey's leg.
The judges try to find things to like, but they scramble. Let me help, "This sucked." Randy gives him "an A+ for a valiant effort" .... and maybe a Hello Kitty sticker, too, Randy? Kara thinks Gokey swaggered too much but "commends [him] for taking chances"... but not Kris? Paula polls the audience to ask "how many of you are Danny Gokey fans?" which is the Idol-equivalent of "These are not the droids you are looking for." Simon reality checks Gokey's last note as "something out of a horror movie" and says "it didn't work", but adds "I still think you're going to be safe tonight."
And then, Gokey is all smug at the slight criticisms. If I owned a cheap TV, I would turn it on, and throw my shoe at it thusly. In what universe was Danny's song deserving of less criticism than Kris'? Unless that's Simon's way are making voters complacent and not vote for Danny? And, actually rally support for Kris? Idol conspiracy theorists: discuss.
Allison Iraheta and Adam Lampert “Slow Ride”
Allison is looking like Wednesday Addams turned hooker, while Adam is sporting a Beetlejuice biker ensemble. The scream-sing at each other and bob heads while sneering like Mo-Fos. This is slow ride by way or ecstasy and black leather. They definitely have more energy and sync than Kris-Danny. But, really, weren't the cards stacked against them? Allison and Adam as the "known rawkers" and all? Perhaps The Show wants an Allison-Adam finale now? Idol conspiracy theorists: discuss.
The episode ends, and we get song-recaps, including Gokey's God-awful Wildebeest mating call. Has The Show just dumped Gokes on live TV?
So who is going home? This is a tough one. I fear for Kris, but he may get sympathy votes.
Allison did well enough, but whenever she's done OK, she's bottom-three-ed.
And although Simon declared Gokey safe, that could work against him. Plus? Wildebeest-sex.
Ok, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Gokey is going to rock out.
At least, I hope so.