Last week, justice was served by a diminutive frosted-tipped reality tv show host. Yes, for everyone who thought at least one American Idol finalist would be adorned in a flashy pair of Lens Crafters... well, nope. That's right, peeps, Kris Allen made it to the finals while America put the "Go" in Gokey. (Insert "suck it" yell here) I still can't decide if Gokey is mostly churchy and just a little bit douchey, or mostly douchely and just a little bit churchy. Perhaps I'm splitting hairs?
My first "spoiler alert" moment on the Wednesday results show, though, was in watching the hometown package reels. Gokey's was surprisingly light on the whole "dead wife" tragedy, except for Gokes' one comment about the "triumph from tragedy" story that was his. Instead, Gokes hung out with his best friend that The Show kicked to the curb earlier in the season. About as heart-string pulling as a "Bosom Buddies" TV reunion show. Meanwhile, Kris Allen gets tender momentTM hug with his pops that lasted 100 years and a two days (sidebar: "awww."). This caused his mother to get emotional and for Kris to whisper "Don't cry momma..." Your can't script that, folks. That shit is butter.
So I sez to myself, "Hmmmm", I betcha Kris mighta pulled this off. And soonish, it was bye-bye Gokes.
But now back to the cold, cruel reality. The Show has already made a pact with the devil to ensure Adam's victory (Call Dr. Saperstein for the tannis root, Rosemary...) . I can't recall the last time a contestant was pimped so hard. And, although there's five great ways to pimp a contestant, I do believe The Show has discovered at least a dozen more this season.
Adam "Mad World"
Adam's life retrospective: he screamed as a baby (and apparently never stopped?) Adam is reprising "Mad World", the Gary Jules/Michael Andrews version popularized by the Donnie Darko . It's a copy of a cover song, but "shhh", we don't take the lord Adam's name in vein. There's smoke and blue lights, like a Broadway musical of Jack The Ripper. Sort of "Glam-tom of the Opera." It's one of Adam's better performances, because there's no screeching and screaming. It might actually be better than his first performance of this song.
The judges love it to death, with Simon calling it "a little Phantom Of The Opera." (hee) To that, Randy yells this very important (?) distinction, "No! No! Twilight!" Because singing teenage vampires would skew higher than disfigured emoting introverts, one presumes?
Kris "Ain't No Sunshine"
Kris gives his mom "singing coupons" so she can listen to him sing whenever she wants. The Allens are so getting their own show on ABC Family at some point. They make the Waltons look like a den of crack whores. Kris is singing "Ain't No Sunshine," which was the exact moment in this season where everyone starting taking note of him. Excepts the judges, on account of their supreme asshatery (I would totally lose at Scrabble). Much like Adam, I think this performance is possibly even better than the first time out. Simon applauds with a face that says, "ma, do I have to?"
The judges toss around words like "best performances ever" and "you have a way of creating an intimate bond with everyone in the audience" and "unique way of Allenizing [...] every song you sing." Simon even admits he wasn't sure if America got it right last week but he "takes it all back after that performance." Soooo, where was all this Kris love all season long? Supreme Asshatery.
Adam "Change Is Gonna Come"
Simon Fuller's choice for Adam. It's a bluesy kind of song by Sam Cooke, which is something Adam would probably never choose for himself. If you can't cut yourself to it, it's a' no good, see? As for the performance: In the part where it's controlled, it's good. Really nice, as a matter of fact. But towards the end, Adam can't help but anally rape the song with some shriek-singing. Change is not only gonna come, it's going to bleed rectally.
Judges are passing the crack pipe and throwing out stuff like "best performance of the season" and "best I've ever heard you sing" and "with every fiber of my being I know you are going to be iconic." Did the meaning of the word "iconic" change when I wasn't looking? Also: Maybe I need to make an appointment with the ear and throat doctor, cuz I ain't hearing what they's hearing.
Kris "What's Going On"
Simon Fuller's choice for Kris. Kris gives it a quiet acoustic vibe. It's Kris Allen: Unplugged. It starts off a little low on energy, then completely comes live. It's original, it's cool, and it's contemporary. It's an all around a great performance, totally downloadable.
Randy liked it mostly. Kara liked it, and, is it just me, or is she judging like a sassy black neighbor from a 70s sit-com tonight? It's all head weaving and finger pointing, child. Mmm-hmm. Paula liked it. Simon thought it was "too laid back" and just seemed like "three guys sitting in a room strumming a guitar." And, why is that bad exactly? Does everything have to be a glamstravaganza?
Adam "No Boundaries"
The treacly triumph-victory song, written by Kara. There's talk of "climbing mountains" and "just when you almost gave up on your dreams." There's probably also some "running" involved, as often is the case in these songs. And liberal use of the word "heart." Am I listening to White Lion circa 1989? Anyhoo, it's typical Adam. The guys can sing, no doubt, but there's the theatrics of his sing acting, his trembling bottom lip and his screeching. He only makes it to mid-screech at least. But he gets the pimp rocker lights.
Randy declares it "a'ight". Kara thanks Adam for singing her song that she wrote with Wilona, Jackeé and Florence. Mmm-hmmm. Paula is a "fan forever" (stalker alert!). Simon refuses to judge the song (hee) and calls Adam "one of the best and most original contestants" and believes they've "found a worldwide star." Please tell me which world you are refering to, please and thank you. Interesting that only Randy judged the actual performance.
Kris "No Boundaries"
We get to hear Kara's song again. Maybe Kris should have gone first after all. Kris does an ok job with it, but it's not his type of song since it's one of those pre-packaged pop ballads. It's made for belters, not crooners. There's some nice moments, but the performance isn't something that will blow you (or the judges) away. Adam's voice has the definite edge with this song. Conspiracy theorists: do we need to discuss anymore?
The judges know the song's pitch was too high for Kris. The judges, though, do have a lot of nice things to say about Kris, and all agree he deserves his spot in the final two. But... They all "congratulate" Kris as if he's already lost.
Kris mentions that he and Adam agreed they "weren't competing, they just came out to give a good show tonight." They really seem to be pals, and that's cool.
Seacrest cautions everyone to program their dvrs to go over, just in case, cuz two full hours might not be enough time for the second half of the season finale. Dear Show: "Citizen Kane" was under two hours. Just some cultural perspective to chew on.
So who's gonna win? Well, the judges, The Show, and Katy Perry's Elvis jacket say Adam Lampert, and who am I to anger the gods (and the King's raiment)?