Last week, it was down to Allison and Gokey. By all rights, Gokey's primal goat bleating noise that passed for a note from "Dream On" should have earned him a ticket home. Instead, Allison was sent packing, as Gokey smiled ever-so-smarmily. Gokey shoulda gone, we know it, he knows it, and Joel McHale knows it. What more do we need?
Also, Paula Abdul "treated" us to her "live" performance of her new song, “I’m Just Here for the Music.” It's the lesbian cousin to her last comeback attempt, "Dance Like It's No Tomorrow." As a matter of fact, if you played these songs back to back, I'd dare you to tell me which is which. Anyhoo, The Show gave us a retrospective of Paula's career, and nothing shows artistry like som' bitch dancing with a cartoon cat. And Paula's "live" performance? A lip sync of her over-produced new song. But she was dancing to her own choreography, I'll give her that.
And look for the new remix coming soon: "I’m Just Here for the Music and the Painkillers... now wait, just the music. Sorry, Ladies Home Journal.” Paula never told Ladies Home Journal she was addicted to pain killers at all, silly. That was just the meds talking.
Meanwhile, Seacrest was probably clutching last week's damaged American Idol logo and whispering "my precious." And stage manager Debbie Williams, who needed more than 50 stitches? Still no mention of her. But the logo has made a full recovery and thanks everyone for the cards and flowers.
OK, so tonight is the final 3. Judges pick a song for each. Each Idol picks a song for themselves. And The Show lines up producers for Adam's first album. I mean, c'mon. Adam is emblazoned on the cover the latest Entertainment Weekly. Simon picked him to win on this week's Oprah. It's sorta like when Oprah backed Barack Obama for presidency; The decision has been made and our votes are "cute" formalities, at best.
Danny Gokey "Dance Little Sister"
Danny's hometown visit get very little play. The song is Paula's selection. Not familiar with the song, but the whole thing is a lot of "meh." Gokes is exactly the same as the day he walked through Idol's doors. He's a good singer, but not a great artist or performer. It's another karaoke-like showing from da Gokes. It looks like something you might see walking into some random blues bar anywhere in the United States. The judges like it anyway, cuz they've wanted a Danny-Adam finale for the past 100 years.
Kris Allen "Apologize"
Kris gets more play than Gokey in his hometown (maybe because people like him?) Kara and Randy chose this song for Kris. They also call him out as the "dark horse" of the competition, but that's only because every week he fails to get props while Gokey slides by on karaoke crapola. You created this dark horse, asshats. Kris has been thrown under the bus so much, he can probably apply for a job as a Greyhound mechanic and claim experience.
It's probably not a good song choice for Kris, who has "popped" when reinventing old songs and giving them new spins. With such a modern song choice, he can't really reinterpret - and yet, those original vocals are very tough to mimic. The result? It's OK, but it never soars. So? Some conspiracy theorists (video recap here!) may suggest that the song choice was sabotage. I would be one of them. The don't like it alot, shocker! Kris takes it all in with a look that says, "Color me unsurprised..."
Adam Lampert "One"
Simon's pick. Simon also manages to name drop U2's Bono as saying he would "love" to have Adam sing this song. Just in case Adam needed more thumbs-up. Next up on Idol: Jesus uses his second coming to text his vote for Adam.
The song starts off really nice and low key, and I really think I might like it. But it's just a big tease. Adam the Rock God rises and screeches through the rest of the song. Yeah, yeah, I know Adam is talented. I can agree to that. But the shrill theatrics? I'm just not a fan. The judges though? Love and kisses.
Danny Gokey "You Are So Beautiful"
Danny chose a good one for his vocal range... a Joe Cocker joint. He's switched up the arrangement a bit. There's violins and band members on stage. You know this will be a sincereTM performance. The mosh pit visually cosigns this notion by gently swaying their arms in unison. It's a desperate attempt at a "moment". Like the Bo Bice acapella bravura performance. Or Fantasia splayed all over the floor singing "Summertime." But this? This is not a true moment. It's a manufactured attempt at one. It's actually the first and only time Danny has shown an ounce of originality. The result? It's OK, but nowhere near as breakthrough as he probably thinks.
The judges all lie and use words like "stunning" and "breathless" and "master class" and applaud him for doing his own things to it. Um, like Kris Allen has been doing every week for the past 6 weeks, bitches?
Kris Allen "Heartless"
Kris chose "Heartless" by Kanye West. And he gives it a total Jason Mraz makeover with the sing-phrasing and riffing, rather than rapping. It's totally reinvented. It's what Kris does best, and this blows away what Gokey just gave us. Also, "Heartless"? Kris' subliminal message to the judges? Conspiracy theorists: discuss.
The judges though? Actually love and give props and love. Randy even thinks Kris has a chance at the finals; And Simon had written Kris off with "Apologize" but now claims this performance has him back in the running. Conspiracy theorists: are now confused.
Adam Lampert "Cryin'"
Adam chose Aersomsmith's "Cryin'". He get the rocker lights, "is if he even needs them," harumphs The Show. Of all of Adam's performances, this is one of the better ones for me. Steven Tyler's voice is probably a close cousin to Adam's voice, so this works. There's one part where the back-up singer is almost singing a duet with Adam, so that throws me off a bit. But overall, it's Adam doing what he does well. The judges all love, and Simon urges us not to be complacent.... because if everyone voted for the second-placers, that could cause an upset and knock Adam out completely! And the world would also probably spin out of its axis... and Jesus already used up his second coming to text his vote. Man, we'd be screwed.
Everyone knows this is Adam's to lose, but I give him credit for being gracious, and even complimenting Gokey and Kris. He does seem like a fairly genuine guy.
So who's going home? If you ask The Show, they'd be happy to pack Kris' bags for him.
Sadly and regrettably, I'm going to guess that Kris is heading back to Arkansas.