Last week, it was down to Allison and Gokey. By all rights, Gokey's primal goat bleating noise that passed for a note from "Dream On" should have earned him a ticket home. Instead, Allison was sent packing, as Gokey smiled ever-so-smarmily. Gokey shoulda gone, we know it, he knows it, and Joel McHale knows it. What more do we need?
Also, Paula Abdul "treated" us to her "live" performance of her new song, “I’m Just Here for the Music.” It's the lesbian cousin to her last comeback attempt, "Dance Like It's No Tomorrow." As a matter of fact, if you played these songs back to back, I'd dare you to tell me which is which. Anyhoo, The Show gave us a retrospective of Paula's career, and nothing shows artistry like som' bitch dancing with a cartoon cat. And Paula's "live" performance? A lip sync of her over-produced new song. But she was dancing to her own choreography, I'll give her that.
And look for the new remix coming soon: "I’m Just Here for the Music and the Painkillers... now wait, just the music. Sorry, Ladies Home Journal.” Paula never told Ladies Home Journal she was addicted to pain killers at all, silly. That was just the meds talking.
Meanwhile, Seacrest was probably clutching last week's damaged American Idol logo and whispering "my precious." And stage manager Debbie Williams, who needed more than 50 stitches? Still no mention of her. But the logo has made a full recovery and thanks everyone for the cards and flowers.
OK, so tonight is the final 3. Judges pick a song for each. Each Idol picks a song for themselves. And The Show lines up producers for Adam's first album. I mean, c'mon. Adam is emblazoned on the cover the latest Entertainment Weekly. Simon picked him to win on this week's Oprah. It's sorta like when Oprah backed Barack Obama for presidency; The decision has been made and our votes are "cute" formalities, at best.
Danny Gokey "Dance Little Sister"
Danny's hometown visit get very little play. The song is Paula's selection. Not familiar with the song, but the whole thing is a lot of "meh." Gokes is exactly the same as the day he walked through Idol's doors. He's a good singer, but not a great artist or performer. It's another karaoke-like showing from da Gokes. It looks like something you might see walking into some random blues bar anywhere in the United States. The judges like it anyway, cuz they've wanted a Danny-Adam finale for the past 100 years.
Kris Allen "Apologize"
Kris gets more play than Gokey in his hometown (maybe because people like him?) Kara and Randy chose this song for Kris. They also call him out as the "dark horse" of the competition, but that's only because every week he fails to get props while Gokey slides by on karaoke crapola. You created this dark horse, asshats. Kris has been thrown under the bus so much, he can probably apply for a job as a Greyhound mechanic and claim experience.
It's probably not a good song choice for Kris, who has "popped" when reinventing old songs and giving them new spins. With such a modern song choice, he can't really reinterpret - and yet, those original vocals are very tough to mimic. The result? It's OK, but it never soars. So? Some conspiracy theorists (video recap here!) may suggest that the song choice was sabotage. I would be one of them. The don't like it alot, shocker! Kris takes it all in with a look that says, "Color me unsurprised..."
Adam Lampert "One"
Simon's pick. Simon also manages to name drop U2's Bono as saying he would "love" to have Adam sing this song. Just in case Adam needed more thumbs-up. Next up on Idol: Jesus uses his second coming to text his vote for Adam.
The song starts off really nice and low key, and I really think I might like it. But it's just a big tease. Adam the Rock God rises and screeches through the rest of the song. Yeah, yeah, I know Adam is talented. I can agree to that. But the shrill theatrics? I'm just not a fan. The judges though? Love and kisses.
Danny Gokey "You Are So Beautiful"
Danny chose a good one for his vocal range... a Joe Cocker joint. He's switched up the arrangement a bit. There's violins and band members on stage. You know this will be a sincereTM performance. The mosh pit visually cosigns this notion by gently swaying their arms in unison. It's a desperate attempt at a "moment". Like the Bo Bice acapella bravura performance. Or Fantasia splayed all over the floor singing "Summertime." But this? This is not a true moment. It's a manufactured attempt at one. It's actually the first and only time Danny has shown an ounce of originality. The result? It's OK, but nowhere near as breakthrough as he probably thinks.
The judges all lie and use words like "stunning" and "breathless" and "master class" and applaud him for doing his own things to it. Um, like Kris Allen has been doing every week for the past 6 weeks, bitches?
Kris Allen "Heartless"
Kris chose "Heartless" by Kanye West. And he gives it a total Jason Mraz makeover with the sing-phrasing and riffing, rather than rapping. It's totally reinvented. It's what Kris does best, and this blows away what Gokey just gave us. Also, "Heartless"? Kris' subliminal message to the judges? Conspiracy theorists: discuss.
The judges though? Actually love and give props and love. Randy even thinks Kris has a chance at the finals; And Simon had written Kris off with "Apologize" but now claims this performance has him back in the running. Conspiracy theorists: are now confused.
Adam Lampert "Cryin'"
Adam chose Aersomsmith's "Cryin'". He get the rocker lights, "is if he even needs them," harumphs The Show. Of all of Adam's performances, this is one of the better ones for me. Steven Tyler's voice is probably a close cousin to Adam's voice, so this works. There's one part where the back-up singer is almost singing a duet with Adam, so that throws me off a bit. But overall, it's Adam doing what he does well. The judges all love, and Simon urges us not to be complacent.... because if everyone voted for the second-placers, that could cause an upset and knock Adam out completely! And the world would also probably spin out of its axis... and Jesus already used up his second coming to text his vote. Man, we'd be screwed.
Everyone knows this is Adam's to lose, but I give him credit for being gracious, and even complimenting Gokey and Kris. He does seem like a fairly genuine guy.
So who's going home? If you ask The Show, they'd be happy to pack Kris' bags for him.
Sadly and regrettably, I'm going to guess that Kris is heading back to Arkansas.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
STAR TREK review
Just saw, STAR TREK last night. Overall, I enjoyed it alot. The franchise was in deep need of new life, and this movie does that. It's fun, action-packed, thrilling, breezy and full of feisty exuberance... something missing in the franchise since, well ... It's got a dangerous, puckish charm that we haven't seen since STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES. As enjoyable as the new 90s Trek series were at times, they did become mired in politics, diplomacy and pedantic morality.
The cast is superb all around. Zachary Quinto (the best thing about HEROES, and they know it, as Sylar by all rights should have been killed 2 seasons ago) is perfect as Spock. There are moments, in his better-written scenes, where it's quintessential Spock. Pitch-perfect. Karl Urban as McCoy and Simon Pegg as Scotty are standouts, evoking the originals without descending into any sort of parody. And Chris Pine take a few minutes of getting used to, but by the end of the movie, he's become a respectable Kirk.
There's also plenty of cool bits for the old fans to enjoy. A lot of character callbacks from the old show. Leonord Nimoy is used to great effect. And there's a plot point that honors the entire Trek history in a way I didn't expect. Continuity-crazed fans will like it.
It's not as elegant a "reboot" as CASINO ROYALE was for the Bond franchise, however. That reimagining was a little more mature than Trek gets here. There's still some busy Hollywood-isms scribbled in the corners (like young Kirk joy riding to the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage", which stands the test of time musically, we are to assume). And as a surprise gonzo-box-office surprise, it doesn't quite reach the high entertainment factor of last year's delightful "Iron Man", a deeper, more rousing and funnier action movie.
But minor quibbles aside (some plot mechanics and ever-so-slight Hollywood excess), The STAR TREK movie mostly soars. I give it a B+/A-.
Didja see it yet?
If so, scroll down for some MAJOR SPOILER observations and criticisms...
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
Ok, last warning...
...
...
OK.
The first scene was awesome. Bam! Right into the action. Bam! We witness the birth of Kirk. It's action-packed, emotional and everything you need an opening scene to be.
Then, I started to worry. We have young-punk Kirk joy riding to the Beastie Boys (some say it's an in-joke to how Shatner pronounces "sabotage", but that's kinda bending over backwards for a joke maybe 35 people get, no?). Quick read: Kirk bucks authority! Later, in a rote bar scene, Kirk hit on Uhura, clashes with Starfleet officers in a bar fight, and it's restless farm Iowa farm boy vs. authority figures! Quick read: Kirk likes ladies and needs somewhere productive to channel his restless rage. OK for character-defining, but a bit too 90210 in execution. And Pike swoops in to talk Kirk into enlisting in Starfleet in an all-too-brief exchange that leads Kirk to do just that.
First, those story "short cuts" (joy riding youth, townie in bar fights bucking authority) are such tired cliches. In a fresh franchise relaunch, I was hoping for something deeper and more mature. It could have been salvaged in his exchange with Pike, which could have been built with father-figure inferences. Also, Pike could have challenged Kirk in a more impactful way, instead of just telling him things he had to have thought about on his own, right? No matter, it goes us from point A to point B?
Equally "lazy" was the Spock childhood scene with the Vulcan bullies. It didn't ring true to me, as the Vulcan kids were chiding Spock for being the product of an emotional Earth mother. Yet, they betray their Vulcan ways by showing emotion by taunting him, openly displaying their dislike and disdain. It could have worked just fine if Spock was merely alienated. Plus, the old show had a lot of fun with Vulcan speech patterns roundaboutly conveying emotion without copping to the fact they were. This was communicated much better in the council scene with Zachary Quinto. Much better.
The good news? Those three scenes were probably the only hiccups in the movie. Once Kirk gets to Star Fleet, we see the "origins" of the Kirk we know. He's brash, bold, and making it with a green alien chick. Also, we get to actually see Kirk subvert the Kobioshi Maru, the very famous test he "cheated" to win, as referenced in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. It also becomes the origin of his yin-yang relationship with Spock.
Small quibble: We see why McCoy is called "Bones" upon meeting Kirk, when McCoy claims that "the ex-wife took everything. All I was left with is these bones." Now, that seems like a rather serpentine origin to his nickname. Didn't they used to call doctors, "ol' sawbones"? I thought it was, y'know, that simple.
There's another hiccup as McCoy sneaks Kirk into the Enterprise after injecting him with a virus, in need of emergency medical care. Kirk has an allergic reaction, and his hands swell up to Popeye-size, in a silly chase that didn't need the high-jinx comedy of his enlarged hands. It was as if the Farley Brothers came in and directed that one scene. It's the type of scene fans forgive now, in the larger context of the revamp, but will wince at later.
Things kick into high gear as the Romulan Nero abducts Pike, leaving the Enterprise in Spock's hands. There's some great character moments of Spock and Uhura (in a very non-canon relationship), as well as Sulu. After an attack, all our newbies are made into acting officers for the mission, which ratchets up the stakes. Nero's plan involves time travel, tragedy and Spock -- and leads to the stunning and unexpected destruction of planet Vulcan.
Kirk, after challenging Spock's cautious approach, is exiled from the Enterprise, and (rather conveniently) is jettisoned to a planet where time-tossed future-Spock (Nimoy) has been banished, as well as Scotty. Almost ridiculously convenient, but don't think too hard cuz the plot continues to move and there's never too much non-action time to consider such quibbles. (There's a lot of "little" things like that, where I hope the movie holds up well upon repeat viewings.). Spock's explanation of Nero's attack has fairly major "easter egg" for longtime Trek fans. See, future-Spock is from the Trek timeline we know and mostly-love. Now, that timeline has been changed by Nero. So, see, even in this movie reboot, the old Trek series "still happened". "Crisis on Infinite Federation of Planets" if you will. Nifty and nice "present" to longtime fans.
Realizing he has to ignite a fire under Spock, and prove him unworthy of command, Kirk goes back to the Enterprise, and pushes all his buttons. This causes Spock to go ballistic and wail on Kirk something fierce. Here's where I thought a subtler approach could have worked better. All it needed was for Spock to throw a single punch. The build-up, the tension, the release of a single punch... and then the utter silence of a stunned crew. And Spock's disgraced look, realizing he lost control. Less is sometimes more, methinks.
With Kirk now in charge, they launch a rescue mission for Pike, in a rollicking finale that channels "exactly what they would have done" on the old show. Of course, they are successful.
I do think Eric Bana, a fine actor, was a bit wasted in his role as Nero. Bitter at losing his family, Nero blamed Spock and the Federation for setting that in motion. Then, he and future-Spock were time-tossed to the past. His revenge? Wiping out every planet in the federation. Problem? Nero isn't shown to be a madman. His plan is a little... crazy, no? All those innocent lives, for a purported failure of the Federation? He hates the Federation for the loss of his family, yet he's killing millions of innocent families himself? I dunno, I wished they gave us more on how Nero saw things. There were just a few little things like that in the movie... a little extra here and there would have gone a long way.
The ending sets everything right, and all the characters are in the proper "place" as we know them in STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES. (There's also a great scene with the Spocks. )
All in all, despite some quibbles, it's a fun, fresh, frisky restart to the franchise. Lots of potential. Good enough to live awhile longer... and hopefully prosper.
The cast is superb all around. Zachary Quinto (the best thing about HEROES, and they know it, as Sylar by all rights should have been killed 2 seasons ago) is perfect as Spock. There are moments, in his better-written scenes, where it's quintessential Spock. Pitch-perfect. Karl Urban as McCoy and Simon Pegg as Scotty are standouts, evoking the originals without descending into any sort of parody. And Chris Pine take a few minutes of getting used to, but by the end of the movie, he's become a respectable Kirk.
There's also plenty of cool bits for the old fans to enjoy. A lot of character callbacks from the old show. Leonord Nimoy is used to great effect. And there's a plot point that honors the entire Trek history in a way I didn't expect. Continuity-crazed fans will like it.
It's not as elegant a "reboot" as CASINO ROYALE was for the Bond franchise, however. That reimagining was a little more mature than Trek gets here. There's still some busy Hollywood-isms scribbled in the corners (like young Kirk joy riding to the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage", which stands the test of time musically, we are to assume). And as a surprise gonzo-box-office surprise, it doesn't quite reach the high entertainment factor of last year's delightful "Iron Man", a deeper, more rousing and funnier action movie.
But minor quibbles aside (some plot mechanics and ever-so-slight Hollywood excess), The STAR TREK movie mostly soars. I give it a B+/A-.
Didja see it yet?
If so, scroll down for some MAJOR SPOILER observations and criticisms...
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
Ok, last warning...
...
...
OK.
The first scene was awesome. Bam! Right into the action. Bam! We witness the birth of Kirk. It's action-packed, emotional and everything you need an opening scene to be.
Then, I started to worry. We have young-punk Kirk joy riding to the Beastie Boys (some say it's an in-joke to how Shatner pronounces "sabotage", but that's kinda bending over backwards for a joke maybe 35 people get, no?). Quick read: Kirk bucks authority! Later, in a rote bar scene, Kirk hit on Uhura, clashes with Starfleet officers in a bar fight, and it's restless farm Iowa farm boy vs. authority figures! Quick read: Kirk likes ladies and needs somewhere productive to channel his restless rage. OK for character-defining, but a bit too 90210 in execution. And Pike swoops in to talk Kirk into enlisting in Starfleet in an all-too-brief exchange that leads Kirk to do just that.
First, those story "short cuts" (joy riding youth, townie in bar fights bucking authority) are such tired cliches. In a fresh franchise relaunch, I was hoping for something deeper and more mature. It could have been salvaged in his exchange with Pike, which could have been built with father-figure inferences. Also, Pike could have challenged Kirk in a more impactful way, instead of just telling him things he had to have thought about on his own, right? No matter, it goes us from point A to point B?
Equally "lazy" was the Spock childhood scene with the Vulcan bullies. It didn't ring true to me, as the Vulcan kids were chiding Spock for being the product of an emotional Earth mother. Yet, they betray their Vulcan ways by showing emotion by taunting him, openly displaying their dislike and disdain. It could have worked just fine if Spock was merely alienated. Plus, the old show had a lot of fun with Vulcan speech patterns roundaboutly conveying emotion without copping to the fact they were. This was communicated much better in the council scene with Zachary Quinto. Much better.
The good news? Those three scenes were probably the only hiccups in the movie. Once Kirk gets to Star Fleet, we see the "origins" of the Kirk we know. He's brash, bold, and making it with a green alien chick. Also, we get to actually see Kirk subvert the Kobioshi Maru, the very famous test he "cheated" to win, as referenced in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. It also becomes the origin of his yin-yang relationship with Spock.
Small quibble: We see why McCoy is called "Bones" upon meeting Kirk, when McCoy claims that "the ex-wife took everything. All I was left with is these bones." Now, that seems like a rather serpentine origin to his nickname. Didn't they used to call doctors, "ol' sawbones"? I thought it was, y'know, that simple.
There's another hiccup as McCoy sneaks Kirk into the Enterprise after injecting him with a virus, in need of emergency medical care. Kirk has an allergic reaction, and his hands swell up to Popeye-size, in a silly chase that didn't need the high-jinx comedy of his enlarged hands. It was as if the Farley Brothers came in and directed that one scene. It's the type of scene fans forgive now, in the larger context of the revamp, but will wince at later.
Things kick into high gear as the Romulan Nero abducts Pike, leaving the Enterprise in Spock's hands. There's some great character moments of Spock and Uhura (in a very non-canon relationship), as well as Sulu. After an attack, all our newbies are made into acting officers for the mission, which ratchets up the stakes. Nero's plan involves time travel, tragedy and Spock -- and leads to the stunning and unexpected destruction of planet Vulcan.
Kirk, after challenging Spock's cautious approach, is exiled from the Enterprise, and (rather conveniently) is jettisoned to a planet where time-tossed future-Spock (Nimoy) has been banished, as well as Scotty. Almost ridiculously convenient, but don't think too hard cuz the plot continues to move and there's never too much non-action time to consider such quibbles. (There's a lot of "little" things like that, where I hope the movie holds up well upon repeat viewings.). Spock's explanation of Nero's attack has fairly major "easter egg" for longtime Trek fans. See, future-Spock is from the Trek timeline we know and mostly-love. Now, that timeline has been changed by Nero. So, see, even in this movie reboot, the old Trek series "still happened". "Crisis on Infinite Federation of Planets" if you will. Nifty and nice "present" to longtime fans.
Realizing he has to ignite a fire under Spock, and prove him unworthy of command, Kirk goes back to the Enterprise, and pushes all his buttons. This causes Spock to go ballistic and wail on Kirk something fierce. Here's where I thought a subtler approach could have worked better. All it needed was for Spock to throw a single punch. The build-up, the tension, the release of a single punch... and then the utter silence of a stunned crew. And Spock's disgraced look, realizing he lost control. Less is sometimes more, methinks.
With Kirk now in charge, they launch a rescue mission for Pike, in a rollicking finale that channels "exactly what they would have done" on the old show. Of course, they are successful.
I do think Eric Bana, a fine actor, was a bit wasted in his role as Nero. Bitter at losing his family, Nero blamed Spock and the Federation for setting that in motion. Then, he and future-Spock were time-tossed to the past. His revenge? Wiping out every planet in the federation. Problem? Nero isn't shown to be a madman. His plan is a little... crazy, no? All those innocent lives, for a purported failure of the Federation? He hates the Federation for the loss of his family, yet he's killing millions of innocent families himself? I dunno, I wished they gave us more on how Nero saw things. There were just a few little things like that in the movie... a little extra here and there would have gone a long way.
The ending sets everything right, and all the characters are in the proper "place" as we know them in STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES. (There's also a great scene with the Spocks. )
All in all, despite some quibbles, it's a fun, fresh, frisky restart to the franchise. Lots of potential. Good enough to live awhile longer... and hopefully prosper.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Idol Recap :: Slashdance
Last week, The Show bade farewell to Matt Giraud, who will forever be footnoted as the first contestant to be awarded "the Judge's SaveTM". Which got him exactly two extra weeks on a reality singing show. A year from now, we will fondly remember him as, "Who!?!"
We were also reminded of the blight on humanity known as Taylor Hicks, whose performances are "drunk uncle at a wedding" level bad. I thought after everyone not buying his records and being dropped from his label, Hicks might have the good sense to fade into obscurity. Take. The. Hint. This, the same week Constantine Maroulis has been nominated for a Tony Award. Me am hating this Bizarro world. Me want to to laugh myself to sleep.
Apparently, in protest, the American Idol set reacted: the logo tower on the audience’s left, which had partially collapsed, also caused glass shattering. Suddenly, the American Idol set is my new BFF. Don't anger set, Taylor Hicks. You wouldn't like set when it's angry.
And also, Show doesn't mention that stage manager Debbie Williams fell from the top of a flight of stairs, dangled from a railing, and dropped to the floor. Because, OM-capital-G, The logo fell! Priorities much?
Usually at this time of year, the four finalists would sing two songs apiece. But because Show can't get its shit together, we are getting four solos and two duets. Meanwhile, a team of NASA scientists are trying to discover how adding a fourth judge has caused a tear in the space-TiVo continuum.
Seascrest introduces all the judges and contestants. And there's so much black leather, you'd think they were filming an episode of HEROES set in a future... where everyone is evil and plots make no sense. And then Hiro squints hard and still, nothing makes sense. It's really because it's "Rock Week." Then, the judges make devil horn signs with their hands because, I guess, it's Rock Week. Or, they're asshats. Or, perhaps both.
Slash is the mentor this week. Slash, from Guns N Roses. If you're under 25 years old, look them up on Wiki. The Idolers bob their heads up and down as Slash plays. Gokey adds a sneer, cuz that means he's bad ass, right? Calm down, Gokey, Slash is just here to plug his new solo album.
Adam Lampert “Whole Lotta Love"
Good song choice for Adam, I suppose. Adam takes the stage looking like a Gay Elvis or a Butch-Leather KD Lang. I'm not quite sure which, honestly. There's a lot of guylining and it looks like a jewelry chest threw up on his neck. The singing? It's Adam so everyone will love it, but I find it too shrill and theatrical. The judges all love it to death.
Also, this week Kara looks like a lesbian biker chick that will cut a bitch.
Allison Iraheta “Crybaby”
Janis Joplin is a perfect choice for Allison. It's not bad, but it's a little shouty and in comparison to the great Janis, you can see Allison's voice isn't as strong. There's some body-in-place hopping and arm fisting, because bitch is serious. Randy and Kara don't like, but Paula and Simon mostly do.
Kris Allen and Danny Gokey “Renegade”
Already covered in a memorable performance by Chris Daughtry in season five. It's an awkward performance because the song isn't suited to be a duet. It also looks like they didn't have time to rehearse enough (Seacrest already noted they didn't have enough time for dress rehearsal). There's the ceremonial "picking up of the mike stand", as Idolers do when "rawking out." The judges don't know how to react. They try to like, except Simon, who decides to go bitchcakes and say "I don't know what to say [...] Danny was better." A completely unwarranted dick move. Kris looks like someone just stepped on his puppy.
Kris Allen "Come Together"
Tough week for Kris, who is not an anthem-style rocker. He's more a Year One Jason Mraz. He chooses a Beatles song, which is probably a good move, because Kris is more about melody than power. He manages to put his own little mark on it as well during the bridge. The judges hate on it. Now, Kris looks like a stepped-on puppy. Looks like The Show decided it wants that Gokey-Glambert finale after all. Or do they? (see below)
Danny Gokey “Dream On”
Slash warns us "it can go either way" with Danny singing this song. He warns us that Gokes needs to hit that high note that everyone was expecting. Slash himself seems wary of those chances. Hmm, the arrangement is switched up a bit and I'm not sure that's a good thing. Gokey has the rasp to his voice that's not the same as Aerosmith's Steven Tyler. As in, Tyler's is controlled. Danny? It's like the old lady in church with the 3-pack-a-day habit is singing "Dream On". Then, the high note: It's scratchy, wild, uncontrolled, and I think a Wildebeest is going to enter stage left and hump Gokey's leg.
The judges try to find things to like, but they scramble. Let me help, "This sucked." Randy gives him "an A+ for a valiant effort" .... and maybe a Hello Kitty sticker, too, Randy? Kara thinks Gokey swaggered too much but "commends [him] for taking chances"... but not Kris? Paula polls the audience to ask "how many of you are Danny Gokey fans?" which is the Idol-equivalent of "These are not the droids you are looking for." Simon reality checks Gokey's last note as "something out of a horror movie" and says "it didn't work", but adds "I still think you're going to be safe tonight."
And then, Gokey is all smug at the slight criticisms. If I owned a cheap TV, I would turn it on, and throw my shoe at it thusly. In what universe was Danny's song deserving of less criticism than Kris'? Unless that's Simon's way are making voters complacent and not vote for Danny? And, actually rally support for Kris? Idol conspiracy theorists: discuss.
Allison Iraheta and Adam Lampert “Slow Ride”
Allison is looking like Wednesday Addams turned hooker, while Adam is sporting a Beetlejuice biker ensemble. The scream-sing at each other and bob heads while sneering like Mo-Fos. This is slow ride by way or ecstasy and black leather. They definitely have more energy and sync than Kris-Danny. But, really, weren't the cards stacked against them? Allison and Adam as the "known rawkers" and all? Perhaps The Show wants an Allison-Adam finale now? Idol conspiracy theorists: discuss.
The episode ends, and we get song-recaps, including Gokey's God-awful Wildebeest mating call. Has The Show just dumped Gokes on live TV?
So who is going home? This is a tough one. I fear for Kris, but he may get sympathy votes.
Allison did well enough, but whenever she's done OK, she's bottom-three-ed.
And although Simon declared Gokey safe, that could work against him. Plus? Wildebeest-sex.
Ok, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Gokey is going to rock out.
At least, I hope so.
We were also reminded of the blight on humanity known as Taylor Hicks, whose performances are "drunk uncle at a wedding" level bad. I thought after everyone not buying his records and being dropped from his label, Hicks might have the good sense to fade into obscurity. Take. The. Hint. This, the same week Constantine Maroulis has been nominated for a Tony Award. Me am hating this Bizarro world. Me want to to laugh myself to sleep.
Apparently, in protest, the American Idol set reacted: the logo tower on the audience’s left, which had partially collapsed, also caused glass shattering. Suddenly, the American Idol set is my new BFF. Don't anger set, Taylor Hicks. You wouldn't like set when it's angry.
And also, Show doesn't mention that stage manager Debbie Williams fell from the top of a flight of stairs, dangled from a railing, and dropped to the floor. Because, OM-capital-G, The logo fell! Priorities much?
Usually at this time of year, the four finalists would sing two songs apiece. But because Show can't get its shit together, we are getting four solos and two duets. Meanwhile, a team of NASA scientists are trying to discover how adding a fourth judge has caused a tear in the space-TiVo continuum.
Seascrest introduces all the judges and contestants. And there's so much black leather, you'd think they were filming an episode of HEROES set in a future... where everyone is evil and plots make no sense. And then Hiro squints hard and still, nothing makes sense. It's really because it's "Rock Week." Then, the judges make devil horn signs with their hands because, I guess, it's Rock Week. Or, they're asshats. Or, perhaps both.
Slash is the mentor this week. Slash, from Guns N Roses. If you're under 25 years old, look them up on Wiki. The Idolers bob their heads up and down as Slash plays. Gokey adds a sneer, cuz that means he's bad ass, right? Calm down, Gokey, Slash is just here to plug his new solo album.
Adam Lampert “Whole Lotta Love"
Good song choice for Adam, I suppose. Adam takes the stage looking like a Gay Elvis or a Butch-Leather KD Lang. I'm not quite sure which, honestly. There's a lot of guylining and it looks like a jewelry chest threw up on his neck. The singing? It's Adam so everyone will love it, but I find it too shrill and theatrical. The judges all love it to death.
Also, this week Kara looks like a lesbian biker chick that will cut a bitch.
Allison Iraheta “Crybaby”
Janis Joplin is a perfect choice for Allison. It's not bad, but it's a little shouty and in comparison to the great Janis, you can see Allison's voice isn't as strong. There's some body-in-place hopping and arm fisting, because bitch is serious. Randy and Kara don't like, but Paula and Simon mostly do.
Kris Allen and Danny Gokey “Renegade”
Already covered in a memorable performance by Chris Daughtry in season five. It's an awkward performance because the song isn't suited to be a duet. It also looks like they didn't have time to rehearse enough (Seacrest already noted they didn't have enough time for dress rehearsal). There's the ceremonial "picking up of the mike stand", as Idolers do when "rawking out." The judges don't know how to react. They try to like, except Simon, who decides to go bitchcakes and say "I don't know what to say [...] Danny was better." A completely unwarranted dick move. Kris looks like someone just stepped on his puppy.
Kris Allen "Come Together"
Tough week for Kris, who is not an anthem-style rocker. He's more a Year One Jason Mraz. He chooses a Beatles song, which is probably a good move, because Kris is more about melody than power. He manages to put his own little mark on it as well during the bridge. The judges hate on it. Now, Kris looks like a stepped-on puppy. Looks like The Show decided it wants that Gokey-Glambert finale after all. Or do they? (see below)
Danny Gokey “Dream On”
Slash warns us "it can go either way" with Danny singing this song. He warns us that Gokes needs to hit that high note that everyone was expecting. Slash himself seems wary of those chances. Hmm, the arrangement is switched up a bit and I'm not sure that's a good thing. Gokey has the rasp to his voice that's not the same as Aerosmith's Steven Tyler. As in, Tyler's is controlled. Danny? It's like the old lady in church with the 3-pack-a-day habit is singing "Dream On". Then, the high note: It's scratchy, wild, uncontrolled, and I think a Wildebeest is going to enter stage left and hump Gokey's leg.
The judges try to find things to like, but they scramble. Let me help, "This sucked." Randy gives him "an A+ for a valiant effort" .... and maybe a Hello Kitty sticker, too, Randy? Kara thinks Gokey swaggered too much but "commends [him] for taking chances"... but not Kris? Paula polls the audience to ask "how many of you are Danny Gokey fans?" which is the Idol-equivalent of "These are not the droids you are looking for." Simon reality checks Gokey's last note as "something out of a horror movie" and says "it didn't work", but adds "I still think you're going to be safe tonight."
And then, Gokey is all smug at the slight criticisms. If I owned a cheap TV, I would turn it on, and throw my shoe at it thusly. In what universe was Danny's song deserving of less criticism than Kris'? Unless that's Simon's way are making voters complacent and not vote for Danny? And, actually rally support for Kris? Idol conspiracy theorists: discuss.
Allison Iraheta and Adam Lampert “Slow Ride”
Allison is looking like Wednesday Addams turned hooker, while Adam is sporting a Beetlejuice biker ensemble. The scream-sing at each other and bob heads while sneering like Mo-Fos. This is slow ride by way or ecstasy and black leather. They definitely have more energy and sync than Kris-Danny. But, really, weren't the cards stacked against them? Allison and Adam as the "known rawkers" and all? Perhaps The Show wants an Allison-Adam finale now? Idol conspiracy theorists: discuss.
The episode ends, and we get song-recaps, including Gokey's God-awful Wildebeest mating call. Has The Show just dumped Gokes on live TV?
So who is going home? This is a tough one. I fear for Kris, but he may get sympathy votes.
Allison did well enough, but whenever she's done OK, she's bottom-three-ed.
And although Simon declared Gokey safe, that could work against him. Plus? Wildebeest-sex.
Ok, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Gokey is going to rock out.
At least, I hope so.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Idol Recap :: They Sung It Up and Spit It Out
Last week, The Idol producers reanimated the corpses of several disco-era singers, as we watch them shake-shake-shake.... well, barely shake at all, truth be told. And, it was "Waterloo" for Lil and Anoop.
This week, it's "Rat Pack" night. Or, Vegas show tunes night, if you prefer. There's a "mystery mentor" tonight, as the remaining Idols faux-pretend to sing "Georgia on My Mind" as Jamie Foxx enters. Le gasp! Jamie Foxx played Ray Charles in the movie "Ray" in which he won an oscar! What a ca-razay coincidence! The Idolers feign surprise in a sort of "Saved By The Bell" level of realism. Oh Show, you fool no one!
Also, Paula's flower dress looks like it was made in an Adult Education Origami Class.
Kris Allen “The Way You Look Tonight”
Kris is first up. If I were a character on "Smallville", I might say, "Kris Allen is totally pulling a David Cook this season." The Show initially paid little attention to him, but quietly, week by week, it's starting to become apparent that his solid performances aren't flukes. In fact, he just might unseat Gokey from one of those Coca-Cola chairs. Bloggers and entertainment mags are taking note! Also, according to reality blurred, "finalists’ popularity on iTunes has been exposed, apparently accidentally, and it has revealed (unsurprisingly) that Adam Lambert leads downloads, but (surprisingly) Kris Allen is a solid second. Danny Gokey, the presumed front-runner, has never been higher than third." Take that, Gokey! Maybe you should spend less time picking out glasses and more time on song arrangement.
The Show starts going steady with Kris this week, after flirting with him last week in another Coca-Cola seat moment. Seacrest says, "week after week, (Kris) continues to win over America." Jamie Foxx (completely uncoached, I'm sure) explains that Kris is "already and artist" and is his "number one" and is all over his jock about making a record with him. Pssst, Foxx, use Andrew Llyod Webber's line about imagining you as a gorgeous 17 year old girl from The Chorus Line... As Kris exits, Jamie Fox stands there and says, "Kris. GO-LLY!" What happens next, only Foxx and a bottle of Vaseline know for sure.
So, after much fanfare, Kris sings, and it's all good stuff. It's understated, but appropriately so. He understands the lyrics and he's communicating them in song(always a plus with me). It's a solid performance, although Kris has had bigger "moments" on the show that went largely unrecognized, as the judges were still gobsmacked by The Goke. The judges? Randy: "best performance to date." Kara: "you are truly a dark horse" Paula: "quiet confidence [..] near impeccable." Simon: Reality checks it a bit and calls it "safe." It's probably The Show making sure Kris still gets sympathy votes. Kris really needs to make it to the final two.
Allison Iraheta “Someone To Watch Over Me”
Jamie Foxx tries to inject a sense of meaning into Allison's performance by having her imagine her family while singing. He must have seen Allison's vapidly aggressive rendition of "Hot Stuff". Allison, looking like a goth French hooker, sings the song well. It's all technically fine and good, but there's a listless quality to it. I dunno, I've never connected with Allison as the judges have. The judges all love, love, love. Will this save Allison, the perennial bottom three-er? Simon thinks no, it may not.
Matt Giraud “My Funny Valentine”
Was there any doubt that Matt would wear a jaunty Timerlake hat this week? Of course not! Jamie Foxx wants Matt to change the key of the song, probably where Matt intended to falsetto the crap out of it. And then slip it a roofie and falsetto it some more. Matt's runs are sometimes worse than eating Taco Bell drunk after midnight. Props to Matt to not hiding behind a piano, and just singing. It's an ok performance, but I think Matt's songs always play a bit uneven. It's too low in some spots, and in another key in other spots. The judges reactions are mixed.
Danny Gokey “Come Rain Or Come Shine”
Jamie Foxx gets all up in Gokey's grill like director Michael Mann, (or so he claims). Did Jamie hit on all the remaining Idols? After the show, Seacrest asked Kris and Danny to show him where Jamie touched them by use of dolls. Gokey's performance is one of his better performances. I think this theme week has actually benefited him the most, as his bluesy rasp lends something to the song. There's an aggressive swagger to his performance. If Gokey had a brain in his head, he would have played to his bluesy strength all season long. Kara is correct in saying that it was "the most creative he's ever been". For once, the judges good marks are deserved. Bleh. Gokey needs to falter soon, so the judges can sell him out.
Adam Lampert “Feeling Good”
Adam threatens us with a "rock edge" to this song. Adam is "freaking out because Jamie Foxx is like three feet from his face." It's a good thing you didn't get Michael Manned by him. Of course, Glambert gets bathed in lights and glowing stairs that whisper, "Haven't you bitches been listening all season? OK, we just want to make sure you continue to vote for Adam."
It's mostly good and controlled, if a bit "Moulin Rogue" meets Brian Setzer. At the end, Adam hits a crazy note as the camera spins around him with lights shining on him like a celestial god of music. I do have to hand it to Adam this week, this is a good performance, with the appropriate amount of theatrics. And, it's screech-free! Do I even have to mention that the judges all love it?
So who's going home?
Luck's no lady tonight. I think Allison is gone.
This week, it's "Rat Pack" night. Or, Vegas show tunes night, if you prefer. There's a "mystery mentor" tonight, as the remaining Idols faux-pretend to sing "Georgia on My Mind" as Jamie Foxx enters. Le gasp! Jamie Foxx played Ray Charles in the movie "Ray" in which he won an oscar! What a ca-razay coincidence! The Idolers feign surprise in a sort of "Saved By The Bell" level of realism. Oh Show, you fool no one!
Also, Paula's flower dress looks like it was made in an Adult Education Origami Class.
Kris Allen “The Way You Look Tonight”
Kris is first up. If I were a character on "Smallville", I might say, "Kris Allen is totally pulling a David Cook this season." The Show initially paid little attention to him, but quietly, week by week, it's starting to become apparent that his solid performances aren't flukes. In fact, he just might unseat Gokey from one of those Coca-Cola chairs. Bloggers and entertainment mags are taking note! Also, according to reality blurred, "finalists’ popularity on iTunes has been exposed, apparently accidentally, and it has revealed (unsurprisingly) that Adam Lambert leads downloads, but (surprisingly) Kris Allen is a solid second. Danny Gokey, the presumed front-runner, has never been higher than third." Take that, Gokey! Maybe you should spend less time picking out glasses and more time on song arrangement.
The Show starts going steady with Kris this week, after flirting with him last week in another Coca-Cola seat moment. Seacrest says, "week after week, (Kris) continues to win over America." Jamie Foxx (completely uncoached, I'm sure) explains that Kris is "already and artist" and is his "number one" and is all over his jock about making a record with him. Pssst, Foxx, use Andrew Llyod Webber's line about imagining you as a gorgeous 17 year old girl from The Chorus Line... As Kris exits, Jamie Fox stands there and says, "Kris. GO-LLY!" What happens next, only Foxx and a bottle of Vaseline know for sure.
So, after much fanfare, Kris sings, and it's all good stuff. It's understated, but appropriately so. He understands the lyrics and he's communicating them in song(always a plus with me). It's a solid performance, although Kris has had bigger "moments" on the show that went largely unrecognized, as the judges were still gobsmacked by The Goke. The judges? Randy: "best performance to date." Kara: "you are truly a dark horse" Paula: "quiet confidence [..] near impeccable." Simon: Reality checks it a bit and calls it "safe." It's probably The Show making sure Kris still gets sympathy votes. Kris really needs to make it to the final two.
Allison Iraheta “Someone To Watch Over Me”
Jamie Foxx tries to inject a sense of meaning into Allison's performance by having her imagine her family while singing. He must have seen Allison's vapidly aggressive rendition of "Hot Stuff". Allison, looking like a goth French hooker, sings the song well. It's all technically fine and good, but there's a listless quality to it. I dunno, I've never connected with Allison as the judges have. The judges all love, love, love. Will this save Allison, the perennial bottom three-er? Simon thinks no, it may not.
Matt Giraud “My Funny Valentine”
Was there any doubt that Matt would wear a jaunty Timerlake hat this week? Of course not! Jamie Foxx wants Matt to change the key of the song, probably where Matt intended to falsetto the crap out of it. And then slip it a roofie and falsetto it some more. Matt's runs are sometimes worse than eating Taco Bell drunk after midnight. Props to Matt to not hiding behind a piano, and just singing. It's an ok performance, but I think Matt's songs always play a bit uneven. It's too low in some spots, and in another key in other spots. The judges reactions are mixed.
Danny Gokey “Come Rain Or Come Shine”
Jamie Foxx gets all up in Gokey's grill like director Michael Mann, (or so he claims). Did Jamie hit on all the remaining Idols? After the show, Seacrest asked Kris and Danny to show him where Jamie touched them by use of dolls. Gokey's performance is one of his better performances. I think this theme week has actually benefited him the most, as his bluesy rasp lends something to the song. There's an aggressive swagger to his performance. If Gokey had a brain in his head, he would have played to his bluesy strength all season long. Kara is correct in saying that it was "the most creative he's ever been". For once, the judges good marks are deserved. Bleh. Gokey needs to falter soon, so the judges can sell him out.
Adam Lampert “Feeling Good”
Adam threatens us with a "rock edge" to this song. Adam is "freaking out because Jamie Foxx is like three feet from his face." It's a good thing you didn't get Michael Manned by him. Of course, Glambert gets bathed in lights and glowing stairs that whisper, "Haven't you bitches been listening all season? OK, we just want to make sure you continue to vote for Adam."
It's mostly good and controlled, if a bit "Moulin Rogue" meets Brian Setzer. At the end, Adam hits a crazy note as the camera spins around him with lights shining on him like a celestial god of music. I do have to hand it to Adam this week, this is a good performance, with the appropriate amount of theatrics. And, it's screech-free! Do I even have to mention that the judges all love it?
So who's going home?
Luck's no lady tonight. I think Allison is gone.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Idol Recap :: Mamma Mia, Here We Blow Again
Last week, Matt received the lowest number of votes, and then “sang for his life.” (melodramatic much, Seacrest?) But yon judges took pity on the lowly Timerfake, and Matt was honored with the very first “judges save.” The heavens opened, and a starry light shined unto him, as he basked in the praise and glow of his partners in song.
The miracle was broken by the prophesy of Cowell, who bellowed: "I wouldn't be so quick to congratulate him. Two people are going home [next week] now. Second piece of bad news? Next week is disco week." And lightning crackled as Simon disappeared in a cloud of sulfur and brimstone.
Yep, the results show went down just like that, only a tad more dramatic. When calmer heads prevail, you realize that the judges only had one more week to use their save. “Why not add some drama?”, The Show shrugged. ‘Cuz if Lil or Anoop were on the hot seat next week, the dramatic judges save would not be invoked.
This week is disco week, which should be a blessing to some (Lil?), and a curse to others (Anoop?). Well, no mentor this week, kids, even though there are a killligion to choose from and — omgweareintoLil’ssongrightnow. Guess someone would get fired if the show went overtime again, hm?
Lil Rounds “I’m Every Woman”
Have you ever been to a wedding where the band played this song? And Aunt Betsy made her “raise the roof” hands on the dance floor? Well then, you’ve seen Lil’s version. There’s nothing particularly wrong with it, but it’s not all that memorable. Except for Lil’s killer “Jackie Brown joins the X-Men” outfit. The judges all hate as Simon declares it her “final night”. This week, Lil looks like she will cut a bitch.
Kris Allen “She Works Hard For The Money”
This song is completely and utterly reinvented. To the extent that, it’s just about unrecognizable. It’s not a bad thing at all, as Kris puts an original Santana-ish acoustic spin on it. Once again, Kris is doing what they say they want every week: original arrangements that are sung well. The judges like and finally, FINALLY Kris gets some props on this show. This is the week where The Show finally decides to support Kris. Paula makes some strange comment about “men usually not shopping in the women’s department” as far as song choice, which derails some of the conversation. Also, Paula, ask Adam where he buys his medium-size shirts and guyliner, just sayin.’
Danny Gokey “September”
Somehow, it’s utterly predictable that Gokey chose “September.” It seems he’s stuck in an endless loop of overplayed up-tempo crowd-pleasers. He’s given some Idolettes on stage that distract from his bad white-guy dancing. Objectively, this is “of equal value” to Lil’s performances, as far as I’m concerned. It’s not bad, but it’s still wedding singer level or bar band esque. The judges praise/distract with talk of “sexy voice,” “pitch” and other grasping-at-truisms. Because if you didn’t know, The Show wants Danny in the finals.
Allison Iraheta “Hot Stuff”
Remember those Saturday Morning Action cartoons made for boys where there was, like, ONE female character just for balance? On G.I Joe, it was Scarlet. The Superfriends had Wonder Woman. Even Jonny Quest later added Jessie. Well, American Idol is determined to keep Allison as their token girl character since changing the locks on Lil two weeks ago.
It starts out with “quiet sittin’ on stairs” sing. That means, bitch is about to kick it up, y’all. Then it gets raspy and attitudinal. What’s lacking is the meaning behind the song, which is a desperate (and scratching-at-the-door horny) woman yearning for... Let’s call it “good lovin.’” Cuz this is a PG-13 recap. Allison sings it like my 5-year old niece sings Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry”: The words are technically in the right place, but the emotion and feeling is not remotely comprehended. Vocally, it’s fine; A slightly different take on the song, but nothing extraordinary. Hot Stuff? Mild Stuff, sez I. The judges, to no surprise, they like. Just watch them go all “grrr” on her when she scrapes to the final four.
Adam Lampert “If I Can’t Have You”
Adam gets chair time, because, why? Are the next six weeks a mere formality at this point? The song itself is sung well, I must say, for the most part. The arrangement, however, is utterly indulgent and overly theatrical in its staged melancholy. “Hot One” “Inspiring” “Brilliant” “Original” Surprising? Not in the least. Adam is praised for doing something different each and every week. Because his serious-sad version of “If I Can’t Have You” is vastly different from his serious-sad version of “Mad World” two weeks ago. Except, it’s not.
Matt Giraud “Stayin’ Alive”
Hoo-boy. A deadly song choice. I just don’t know if there’s a way to cover this song that doesn’t come across as cheesy or also-ran. It’s vocally good in spots, but a bit manic, clumsy and uneven. The judges support Matt, except Simon who lays a truth smackdown.
Anoop Desai “Dim All The Lights”
Anoop! seems to have lost his fratboy “sings on a dare” vibe and tapped into his inner Usher. It starts off all slow and soulful, and then the song kicks in. Hmm, this approach seems to be the theme of the night. When it all kicks in, it doesn’t quite all work. It remains a few registers below where the song needs to live. The judges like it, but Simon once again reality checks and says “it was mediocre at best.” He overly hates, to the point of, where's the bucket of pig's blood, Cowell?
So which two are going home?
I think it’s Lil’s last round, for shizzle.
And Matt... I’m afraid you aren’t stayin’ alive.
The miracle was broken by the prophesy of Cowell, who bellowed: "I wouldn't be so quick to congratulate him. Two people are going home [next week] now. Second piece of bad news? Next week is disco week." And lightning crackled as Simon disappeared in a cloud of sulfur and brimstone.
Yep, the results show went down just like that, only a tad more dramatic. When calmer heads prevail, you realize that the judges only had one more week to use their save. “Why not add some drama?”, The Show shrugged. ‘Cuz if Lil or Anoop were on the hot seat next week, the dramatic judges save would not be invoked.
This week is disco week, which should be a blessing to some (Lil?), and a curse to others (Anoop?). Well, no mentor this week, kids, even though there are a killligion to choose from and — omgweareintoLil’ssongrightnow. Guess someone would get fired if the show went overtime again, hm?
Lil Rounds “I’m Every Woman”
Have you ever been to a wedding where the band played this song? And Aunt Betsy made her “raise the roof” hands on the dance floor? Well then, you’ve seen Lil’s version. There’s nothing particularly wrong with it, but it’s not all that memorable. Except for Lil’s killer “Jackie Brown joins the X-Men” outfit. The judges all hate as Simon declares it her “final night”. This week, Lil looks like she will cut a bitch.
Kris Allen “She Works Hard For The Money”
This song is completely and utterly reinvented. To the extent that, it’s just about unrecognizable. It’s not a bad thing at all, as Kris puts an original Santana-ish acoustic spin on it. Once again, Kris is doing what they say they want every week: original arrangements that are sung well. The judges like and finally, FINALLY Kris gets some props on this show. This is the week where The Show finally decides to support Kris. Paula makes some strange comment about “men usually not shopping in the women’s department” as far as song choice, which derails some of the conversation. Also, Paula, ask Adam where he buys his medium-size shirts and guyliner, just sayin.’
Danny Gokey “September”
Somehow, it’s utterly predictable that Gokey chose “September.” It seems he’s stuck in an endless loop of overplayed up-tempo crowd-pleasers. He’s given some Idolettes on stage that distract from his bad white-guy dancing. Objectively, this is “of equal value” to Lil’s performances, as far as I’m concerned. It’s not bad, but it’s still wedding singer level or bar band esque. The judges praise/distract with talk of “sexy voice,” “pitch” and other grasping-at-truisms. Because if you didn’t know, The Show wants Danny in the finals.
Allison Iraheta “Hot Stuff”
Remember those Saturday Morning Action cartoons made for boys where there was, like, ONE female character just for balance? On G.I Joe, it was Scarlet. The Superfriends had Wonder Woman. Even Jonny Quest later added Jessie. Well, American Idol is determined to keep Allison as their token girl character since changing the locks on Lil two weeks ago.
It starts out with “quiet sittin’ on stairs” sing. That means, bitch is about to kick it up, y’all. Then it gets raspy and attitudinal. What’s lacking is the meaning behind the song, which is a desperate (and scratching-at-the-door horny) woman yearning for... Let’s call it “good lovin.’” Cuz this is a PG-13 recap. Allison sings it like my 5-year old niece sings Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry”: The words are technically in the right place, but the emotion and feeling is not remotely comprehended. Vocally, it’s fine; A slightly different take on the song, but nothing extraordinary. Hot Stuff? Mild Stuff, sez I. The judges, to no surprise, they like. Just watch them go all “grrr” on her when she scrapes to the final four.
Adam Lampert “If I Can’t Have You”
Adam gets chair time, because, why? Are the next six weeks a mere formality at this point? The song itself is sung well, I must say, for the most part. The arrangement, however, is utterly indulgent and overly theatrical in its staged melancholy. “Hot One” “Inspiring” “Brilliant” “Original” Surprising? Not in the least. Adam is praised for doing something different each and every week. Because his serious-sad version of “If I Can’t Have You” is vastly different from his serious-sad version of “Mad World” two weeks ago. Except, it’s not.
Matt Giraud “Stayin’ Alive”
Hoo-boy. A deadly song choice. I just don’t know if there’s a way to cover this song that doesn’t come across as cheesy or also-ran. It’s vocally good in spots, but a bit manic, clumsy and uneven. The judges support Matt, except Simon who lays a truth smackdown.
Anoop Desai “Dim All The Lights”
Anoop! seems to have lost his fratboy “sings on a dare” vibe and tapped into his inner Usher. It starts off all slow and soulful, and then the song kicks in. Hmm, this approach seems to be the theme of the night. When it all kicks in, it doesn’t quite all work. It remains a few registers below where the song needs to live. The judges like it, but Simon once again reality checks and says “it was mediocre at best.” He overly hates, to the point of, where's the bucket of pig's blood, Cowell?
So which two are going home?
I think it’s Lil’s last round, for shizzle.
And Matt... I’m afraid you aren’t stayin’ alive.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Idol Recap :: Reservoir Dawgs
Last week, Scott said goodbye, to the surprise of no one, as the judges extra-pretended to deliberate... on account of Scott’s inspiration-factor. Does anyone not realize that the judges could not, would not, decide such a thing on the spot like this?
Tonight’s theme: Songs of the Cinema
Tonight’s mentor: The uber-talented and uber-creepy Quentin Tarentino
Why Quentin? Apparently, “his passion for music gives his movies their distinct twist.” I will say, Tarentino does compile some memorable soundtracks. The Show reminds us that Tarentino was also a guest judge back in season three, back when they had 4 judges and still managed to do the show within an hour and not cause everyone’s DVRs to explode. For some reason, Tarentino is sporting a hair-don’t that looks like “Hitler Does LA.” Or, “George McFly in Rehab.” Take your pick.
Simon tells us that only 2 judges will judge each song, because if the show ran over, Tarentino would send Michael Manson to the director’s home to de-ear him while playing “Stuck In The Middle” by Steeler’s Wheels. And wouldn’t he deserve it for going 8 minutes into “Fringe?” Howabout, I dunno, just pre-planning the show properly, as has been done in seasons past with 4-judges? I know, I speak madness.
Allison Iraheta “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” from Armageddon
See, I thought Allison shoulda sung “Invincible” by Pat Benetar, from the much-awesome “Legend of Billie Jean.” But instead, she sings the overwrought song “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” from the overwrought movie “Armageddon”. I almost don’t have to watch the performance, because it’s pretty much exactly what you’d imagine, and perhaps a touch less. Allison doesn’t have a “pure” voice, so her huskiness doesn’t terribly support those big notes. All the judges faux-praise, because they desperately want to keep a girl in the competition, and have completely broken up with Lil Rounds.
Anoop Desai "Everything I Do” from Robin Hood
Remember the 1991 "Robin Hood" that gave us Kevin Costner's fake British accent for 15 minutes and then forgot? Or, more memorably, when Bryan Adam’s treacly “Everything I Do” invaded the radio incessantly for months, and easy-listening stations for years even? Well, this song is on my “destroy the master tapes” list, but Anoop done picked it. Tarentino wants Anoop to pimp slap the song, as he air-punches for effect. If this man wasn't a genius director, someone would have killed him by now, I'm convinced. And also, these Tarentino-mentor moments look incredibly staged. Anoop does pretty good, and Kara hones in on Anoop's success formula: pop songs + a little soul. If he can keep that formula, he may actually survive, oh, three more whole weeks even.
Adam Lampert "Bord To Be Wild" from Easy Rider
From Easy Rider. And also, like 1,873 other movies when we need to convey quick bad-assery. Tarentino, completely Show-coached, reveals, "If this is a competition looking for rock stars, he is the real deal." If Adam is the "real deal", then Miley Cirus is a musical genius. The Show gives us everything you'd expect at this point: the flashing rocker lights that whisper, "Adams rawks in a completely non-poseur way that you secretly love." Adam deigns to touch the mosh-pit blondies. He struts and succumbs to his restless leg syndrome (that's an actual thing now, btw). Also? The black nail polish, a rock-poseur's BFF, is back. It's completely over-cooked with screeching and over-runs. Simon forgoes the crack pipe this week by saying, "It was like the ROCKY HORROR MUSICAL in parts." (And I think, "Hey, Adam could have done a legit "Sweet Tranvestite," actually). And also, isn't every Adam song? The brainwashed audience is apoplectic.
Matt Giraud “Have You Ever Loved A Woman" from Don Juan DeMarco
Bryan Adams was to the early 90s as Kenny Logins was to the 80s. Both somehow became lucrative go-to soundtrack bitches. Here's another Bryan Adams piece, which makes sense when you compute the ages of the contestants. Daughtry also did a great performance of this one back in season five. Matt's performance is somewhat capable, with a few small rough spots. Randy and Kara call Matt on his over-runs, which so many Idolers are guilty of. Also, why does Randy's sweater look like the Sara's and Jackie's walls on "Too Close For Comfort"?
Danny Gokey "Endless Love" from Endless Love
It's Danny Jesse Raphael, sans glasses this week with a button-down shirt. Is he trying to look like Kris Allen's older brother now? Tarentino coaches Danny to use his hands this week as he sings. I think, "hopefully not as manically as Tarentino hand-talks." Dude will take out your eye, peeps. There's a ginormous harp on stage, so you know this will be a ProductionTM. It's good and spots, and terribly shouty in others. What to make of the "technically good but creatively stagnant" Gokey? The Show itself has been all bi-polar about Gokey, as they continue to back him, then almost regret it.
Kris Allen "Falling Slowly" from Once
Tarentino tells us that the song is close to Kris' heart, but we don't get the why of that. Maybe this is part of downplaying the whole wife thing as Simon suggested weeks back? Kris may suffer votes by picking a more obscure song, but he does a great job with it. He almost has "a moment", but falls ever so short. If he solemn-guitared this bitch and brought a ginormous harp on stage, he might have made a moment. For the record, Kris is the Idol I'm backing this season, as he's shown he can sing, takes some chances and is willing to go for some less obvious choices. Idiot Randy hates on this (why?) and resorts to the fall-back "pitchy." Kara thought it "was one of his best moments." Word, Kara.
Lil Rounds "The Rose" from The Rose
The Show has all but kicked Lil to the curb, even supporting Allison as "the girl's only hope" earlier this very week. My favorite version of this song was actually by Peter Griffin, but Lil does an OK job. It's still wedding singer, copycat, cruise singer (take your pick) level performance. Simon breaks up with her and claims "you aren't the artist we met 7 or 8 weeks ago" and "he's getting frustrated" and also, he wants his favorite T-shirt back along with his CDs you borrowed. Lil snaps back, and tries to defend her slight R&B rendition as an artistic choice; She's not altogether wrong, but The Show already moved on and is dating Allison.
Somehow, the show almost goes overtime again. How'd that happen?
As for who's going home, that's a tough one this week. Anoop has been bottom-3ing but had a good week, Lil is on the ropes but is an early fave, and Matt is a musical ping-pong per week but got chair-time this week.
I'm gonna guess this is Lil's last round.
Tonight’s theme: Songs of the Cinema
Tonight’s mentor: The uber-talented and uber-creepy Quentin Tarentino
Why Quentin? Apparently, “his passion for music gives his movies their distinct twist.” I will say, Tarentino does compile some memorable soundtracks. The Show reminds us that Tarentino was also a guest judge back in season three, back when they had 4 judges and still managed to do the show within an hour and not cause everyone’s DVRs to explode. For some reason, Tarentino is sporting a hair-don’t that looks like “Hitler Does LA.” Or, “George McFly in Rehab.” Take your pick.
Simon tells us that only 2 judges will judge each song, because if the show ran over, Tarentino would send Michael Manson to the director’s home to de-ear him while playing “Stuck In The Middle” by Steeler’s Wheels. And wouldn’t he deserve it for going 8 minutes into “Fringe?” Howabout, I dunno, just pre-planning the show properly, as has been done in seasons past with 4-judges? I know, I speak madness.
Allison Iraheta “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” from Armageddon
See, I thought Allison shoulda sung “Invincible” by Pat Benetar, from the much-awesome “Legend of Billie Jean.” But instead, she sings the overwrought song “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” from the overwrought movie “Armageddon”. I almost don’t have to watch the performance, because it’s pretty much exactly what you’d imagine, and perhaps a touch less. Allison doesn’t have a “pure” voice, so her huskiness doesn’t terribly support those big notes. All the judges faux-praise, because they desperately want to keep a girl in the competition, and have completely broken up with Lil Rounds.
Anoop Desai "Everything I Do” from Robin Hood
Remember the 1991 "Robin Hood" that gave us Kevin Costner's fake British accent for 15 minutes and then forgot? Or, more memorably, when Bryan Adam’s treacly “Everything I Do” invaded the radio incessantly for months, and easy-listening stations for years even? Well, this song is on my “destroy the master tapes” list, but Anoop done picked it. Tarentino wants Anoop to pimp slap the song, as he air-punches for effect. If this man wasn't a genius director, someone would have killed him by now, I'm convinced. And also, these Tarentino-mentor moments look incredibly staged. Anoop does pretty good, and Kara hones in on Anoop's success formula: pop songs + a little soul. If he can keep that formula, he may actually survive, oh, three more whole weeks even.
Adam Lampert "Bord To Be Wild" from Easy Rider
From Easy Rider. And also, like 1,873 other movies when we need to convey quick bad-assery. Tarentino, completely Show-coached, reveals, "If this is a competition looking for rock stars, he is the real deal." If Adam is the "real deal", then Miley Cirus is a musical genius. The Show gives us everything you'd expect at this point: the flashing rocker lights that whisper, "Adams rawks in a completely non-poseur way that you secretly love." Adam deigns to touch the mosh-pit blondies. He struts and succumbs to his restless leg syndrome (that's an actual thing now, btw). Also? The black nail polish, a rock-poseur's BFF, is back. It's completely over-cooked with screeching and over-runs. Simon forgoes the crack pipe this week by saying, "It was like the ROCKY HORROR MUSICAL in parts." (And I think, "Hey, Adam could have done a legit "Sweet Tranvestite," actually). And also, isn't every Adam song? The brainwashed audience is apoplectic.
Matt Giraud “Have You Ever Loved A Woman" from Don Juan DeMarco
Bryan Adams was to the early 90s as Kenny Logins was to the 80s. Both somehow became lucrative go-to soundtrack bitches. Here's another Bryan Adams piece, which makes sense when you compute the ages of the contestants. Daughtry also did a great performance of this one back in season five. Matt's performance is somewhat capable, with a few small rough spots. Randy and Kara call Matt on his over-runs, which so many Idolers are guilty of. Also, why does Randy's sweater look like the Sara's and Jackie's walls on "Too Close For Comfort"?
Danny Gokey "Endless Love" from Endless Love
It's Danny Jesse Raphael, sans glasses this week with a button-down shirt. Is he trying to look like Kris Allen's older brother now? Tarentino coaches Danny to use his hands this week as he sings. I think, "hopefully not as manically as Tarentino hand-talks." Dude will take out your eye, peeps. There's a ginormous harp on stage, so you know this will be a ProductionTM. It's good and spots, and terribly shouty in others. What to make of the "technically good but creatively stagnant" Gokey? The Show itself has been all bi-polar about Gokey, as they continue to back him, then almost regret it.
Kris Allen "Falling Slowly" from Once
Tarentino tells us that the song is close to Kris' heart, but we don't get the why of that. Maybe this is part of downplaying the whole wife thing as Simon suggested weeks back? Kris may suffer votes by picking a more obscure song, but he does a great job with it. He almost has "a moment", but falls ever so short. If he solemn-guitared this bitch and brought a ginormous harp on stage, he might have made a moment. For the record, Kris is the Idol I'm backing this season, as he's shown he can sing, takes some chances and is willing to go for some less obvious choices. Idiot Randy hates on this (why?) and resorts to the fall-back "pitchy." Kara thought it "was one of his best moments." Word, Kara.
Lil Rounds "The Rose" from The Rose
The Show has all but kicked Lil to the curb, even supporting Allison as "the girl's only hope" earlier this very week. My favorite version of this song was actually by Peter Griffin, but Lil does an OK job. It's still wedding singer, copycat, cruise singer (take your pick) level performance. Simon breaks up with her and claims "you aren't the artist we met 7 or 8 weeks ago" and "he's getting frustrated" and also, he wants his favorite T-shirt back along with his CDs you borrowed. Lil snaps back, and tries to defend her slight R&B rendition as an artistic choice; She's not altogether wrong, but The Show already moved on and is dating Allison.
Somehow, the show almost goes overtime again. How'd that happen?
As for who's going home, that's a tough one this week. Anoop has been bottom-3ing but had a good week, Lil is on the ropes but is an early fave, and Matt is a musical ping-pong per week but got chair-time this week.
I'm gonna guess this is Lil's last round.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Idol Recap :: Birthday Blues
Ryan reminds us that tonight’s theme is an “Idol favorite:” Songs from the year the contestants were born. The Show shares baby photos of the judges. They had to colorize Simon’s cuz Simon is old as ass as far as this show goes.
Danny Gokey "Stand By Me” from 1980
And already, the cheating begins. Cover songs from the year they were born. And from the eldest contestant no less! I can forgive cover songs when we eventually reach the crap-pop-fest of the 90s, but not in the 80s. The song has been Michael McDonaldized, all slow and with the Gokey rasp. Then it moves into an untempo “please welcome the bride and groom” vibe. With scatting. Honestly, I’m not a fan of this, as the soul and simplicity of the original “Stand By Me” is lost in the jazzy wedding singer arrangement. The arrangement is way cheesy, altho the vocals are OK. The judges all lie with fake-praise words like “unique” and “creative liberties” because The Show still likes Danny that much. Pass the crack pipe, y’all.
Kris Allen "All She Wants To Do Is Dance” from 1985
Kris gets couch time, because The Show may want to actually back him mid-season a la David Cook (but don’t hold them to that). Kris mentions taking the day off and doing “the cheesiest thing ever” by riding the ferris wheel. Ever, Kris? Let me remind you what show you are on, and we shall rank cheese-factor accordingly. Kris performs from the mosh pit, which seems all the rage this season. The song arrangement is switched up, and it’s OK, but it’s not altogether an improvement. It also doesn’t quite showcase Kris’ vocals. It’s a bit of a mish-mosh. Shockingly, Randy has the best insight by pointing out that the music overshadowed the vocals.
Lil Rounds "What’s Love Got To Do With It” from 1984
Lil is named after the first 3 letters of her grandmother, Lily. Dem black folks have the most fascinating baby name stories. Tina Turner is one of the lesser Diva dieties, but Diva (with capital) nonetheless. Lil’s version is a toothless, tame version of the sassy, strutting Tina. Once again, it’s vocally OK, but there’s no personality under the surface. Lil should have chosen a much lesser known song and owned it. Lil seems like a great person but girlfriend just ain’t getting it. The judges are underwhelmed, with Simon citing her performance as a “second or third rate Tina.” Lil Rounds? More like ‘Lil Tina.
Anoop Desai "True Colors” from 1986
Annop apologizes for his uncharacteristic “excuse me?” reaction to Kara last week. In Idol-speak, this is tantamount to a NSFW Sopranos-level obsenity-spew. Everyone over the age of 12 merely shrugged. It’s hard to separate this song from Cyndi Lauper’s awesome and unique bravura version. There are brief moments in the second half where it captures a contemporary R&B vibe, and it’s alllmost interesting. The vocals? Very good. Anoop! Done good this evening.
Scott MacIntyre "The Search Is Over” from 1985
Originally sung by the human dog-whistle known as Peter Cetera, Scott has a tough comparison ahead of him. He’s out from behind the piano, which I give him guts-points for, but the vocals? Not powerful enough, and some bad notes abound. Ultimately, it’s a bad choice for Scott, far beyond his reach. Scott gets one half-second rock-star moment as he releases the guita lick and the lights flash behind him. It’s fleeting, and Scott’s days are surely numbered. “We are done with your inspiration, blindy!” declares Show.
Allison Iraheta “I Can’t Make You Love Me” from 1992
First, a small exclamation point moment for Allison being born in 1992. “!” The performance is OK. Like Lil’s, it’s more or less a copycat performance, not reaching the grandeur of the original. The judges like her a lot, and cite her lack of “likeability” as being her “issue.” This, my friends and viewers, is a blatant attempt of The Show to keep Allison in the competition, as this season is woefully guy-heavy.
Matt Giraud “Part Time Lovers” from 1985
I like my Stevie Wonder, but peeps, I ain’t never liked this song. Matt gives it a jazzy arrangement. It’s OK, but it’s a little low register for a Stevie joint. Overall, I give Matt props for originality and pulling off an arrangement that works. The judges do a drive-by pressed-for-time judging but overall, they like. Also? How dare anyone trample into Our Lord And Savior Adam Lampert’s time?
Adam Lampert "Mad World” from 1983
Or, more accurately, from 2003. Adam sings the Gary Jules/Michael Andrews version popularized by the Donnie Darko soundtrack. Since my DVR cut out, I had to find it online. Bathed in blue pimp lights, The Show’s most favorite Idol emotes and broods in a COPYCAT performance of the 2003 version. It's vocally sound, but once again, there's been dozens of Idol performances on par with this. But what happens?
This, this, gets him a standing-effing-ovation from Simon Cowell. That thud you just heard was the fall of my respect for the show's most honest judge. Shameful. Voting is just a formality at this point. I can't recall a time when The Show pushed any contestant as hard as they are pushing Adam. Because we haven't had a great goth-poseur alt-singer since the giddy days of WDRE in its heyday? I hope America is ready for the Robert Smith tribute album.
So who’s going home? Scott, more than the search is over, my friend.
Danny Gokey "Stand By Me” from 1980
And already, the cheating begins. Cover songs from the year they were born. And from the eldest contestant no less! I can forgive cover songs when we eventually reach the crap-pop-fest of the 90s, but not in the 80s. The song has been Michael McDonaldized, all slow and with the Gokey rasp. Then it moves into an untempo “please welcome the bride and groom” vibe. With scatting. Honestly, I’m not a fan of this, as the soul and simplicity of the original “Stand By Me” is lost in the jazzy wedding singer arrangement. The arrangement is way cheesy, altho the vocals are OK. The judges all lie with fake-praise words like “unique” and “creative liberties” because The Show still likes Danny that much. Pass the crack pipe, y’all.
Kris Allen "All She Wants To Do Is Dance” from 1985
Kris gets couch time, because The Show may want to actually back him mid-season a la David Cook (but don’t hold them to that). Kris mentions taking the day off and doing “the cheesiest thing ever” by riding the ferris wheel. Ever, Kris? Let me remind you what show you are on, and we shall rank cheese-factor accordingly. Kris performs from the mosh pit, which seems all the rage this season. The song arrangement is switched up, and it’s OK, but it’s not altogether an improvement. It also doesn’t quite showcase Kris’ vocals. It’s a bit of a mish-mosh. Shockingly, Randy has the best insight by pointing out that the music overshadowed the vocals.
Lil Rounds "What’s Love Got To Do With It” from 1984
Lil is named after the first 3 letters of her grandmother, Lily. Dem black folks have the most fascinating baby name stories. Tina Turner is one of the lesser Diva dieties, but Diva (with capital) nonetheless. Lil’s version is a toothless, tame version of the sassy, strutting Tina. Once again, it’s vocally OK, but there’s no personality under the surface. Lil should have chosen a much lesser known song and owned it. Lil seems like a great person but girlfriend just ain’t getting it. The judges are underwhelmed, with Simon citing her performance as a “second or third rate Tina.” Lil Rounds? More like ‘Lil Tina.
Anoop Desai "True Colors” from 1986
Annop apologizes for his uncharacteristic “excuse me?” reaction to Kara last week. In Idol-speak, this is tantamount to a NSFW Sopranos-level obsenity-spew. Everyone over the age of 12 merely shrugged. It’s hard to separate this song from Cyndi Lauper’s awesome and unique bravura version. There are brief moments in the second half where it captures a contemporary R&B vibe, and it’s alllmost interesting. The vocals? Very good. Anoop! Done good this evening.
Scott MacIntyre "The Search Is Over” from 1985
Originally sung by the human dog-whistle known as Peter Cetera, Scott has a tough comparison ahead of him. He’s out from behind the piano, which I give him guts-points for, but the vocals? Not powerful enough, and some bad notes abound. Ultimately, it’s a bad choice for Scott, far beyond his reach. Scott gets one half-second rock-star moment as he releases the guita lick and the lights flash behind him. It’s fleeting, and Scott’s days are surely numbered. “We are done with your inspiration, blindy!” declares Show.
Allison Iraheta “I Can’t Make You Love Me” from 1992
First, a small exclamation point moment for Allison being born in 1992. “!” The performance is OK. Like Lil’s, it’s more or less a copycat performance, not reaching the grandeur of the original. The judges like her a lot, and cite her lack of “likeability” as being her “issue.” This, my friends and viewers, is a blatant attempt of The Show to keep Allison in the competition, as this season is woefully guy-heavy.
Matt Giraud “Part Time Lovers” from 1985
I like my Stevie Wonder, but peeps, I ain’t never liked this song. Matt gives it a jazzy arrangement. It’s OK, but it’s a little low register for a Stevie joint. Overall, I give Matt props for originality and pulling off an arrangement that works. The judges do a drive-by pressed-for-time judging but overall, they like. Also? How dare anyone trample into Our Lord And Savior Adam Lampert’s time?
Adam Lampert "Mad World” from 1983
Or, more accurately, from 2003. Adam sings the Gary Jules/Michael Andrews version popularized by the Donnie Darko soundtrack. Since my DVR cut out, I had to find it online. Bathed in blue pimp lights, The Show’s most favorite Idol emotes and broods in a COPYCAT performance of the 2003 version. It's vocally sound, but once again, there's been dozens of Idol performances on par with this. But what happens?
This, this, gets him a standing-effing-ovation from Simon Cowell. That thud you just heard was the fall of my respect for the show's most honest judge. Shameful. Voting is just a formality at this point. I can't recall a time when The Show pushed any contestant as hard as they are pushing Adam. Because we haven't had a great goth-poseur alt-singer since the giddy days of WDRE in its heyday? I hope America is ready for the Robert Smith tribute album.
So who’s going home? Scott, more than the search is over, my friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
