Idol Recap :: Ain't Nothin' But Hound Dawgs

Last week, The Show doubled down on cheese and used "The Judge's Save" to spare Michael Lynche. The good news? Wednesday night is a double drive-by, where we'll say goodbye to two Idolers.

Even though we were promised a reduction in Swaybotitude, the show opens with Ryan high-fiving them while saying "'sup, 'sup, 'sup." Dear Ryan, you are not "street" and hair highlights do not count as "colors."

Tonight's songbook theme is Elvis hits. Which makes sense, because Elvis once shot his TV. Sort of like I feel like doing every Tuesday during Idol's ponderous ninth season.

And the guest mentor is Hot Tranny Elvis impersonator, Adam Lambert. You remember Adam from last year; The Show loved him to pieces and pushed him so hard, that everyone revolted and voted for Kris Allen. Adam brings his deep and meaningful eight-and-and-half months experience to the Remedial Idols. Imagine Ashlee Simpson imparting acting tips. It's something like that, with music and guyliner.

Ryan chats with Glambert, who rightfully notes that the contestants need to "wake up." And with that, part of me doesn't care that he looks like K.D. Lang and Bea Arthur's long-lost butch daughter. Ryan also mentions that Adam gained two inches (... with his hair) and compliments the Glam One on the length of his tongue. OK, Seacrest, it's gone from subtext to text at this point.

Crystal Bowersox, “Saved”

Adam hopes Crystal can "let her hair down and toss those dreads around a bit." Yes, PETA would thank you for freeing those poor fleas. Crystal brings a big bluesy energy to the song in a pitch-perfect performance, once again separating herself from the pack. The Judges rightfully love.

Andrew Garcia, “Hound Dog”

Adam tells Andrew his version of "Hound Dog" was boring, and urges him to "make it yours." Careful, Adam, in such advice lies madness. And yup, Andrew sings the song like a 45 record played at 33 speed (look it up, my millennial bitches). It's weird and slow, and devoid of any energy or swagger. In other words, Epic Fail (look it up, my Gen X bitches). The Judges found it lacking, and Simon thinks all of Andrew's "coolness has been sucked out of him."

Tim Urban, “Can’t Help Falling in Love”

Although Kara thinks Tim "doesn't understand," I think he understands plenty. Case in point: picking a song with the title, "Can't Help Falling in Love," once again locking the tween vote, and hypnotizing Glambert into thinking he's hitting all the right notes. And suddenly, the Glam One is mooning over Teflon Tim like Marcia Brady at a Davy Jones concert. Boy, look what you've done to him.

Tim actually does a pretty good job with the song overall, almost giving it a quiet James Taylor guitar vibe. Or, in Idol terms, a Jason Castro vibe. Probably his best performance. The Judges agree, and Simon says that Tim has "gone from zero to hero."

Lee DeWyze, “A Little Less Conversation”

Adam tells Lee to smile a little. An unsmiling Lee agrees. The performance is overall good, as each week Lee figures his shit out before a national audience. Per usual, he doesn't hit 100% of the notes, but it's original and cool and contemporary. So once again, the sum of these slightly disjointed parts works. The Judges like it, and Simon notes it was "on the money, full stop." Do they say things like that in Britain? Sometimes I think Simon makes up phrases to toy with the lowly Yanks.

Aaron Kelly, “Blue Suede Shoes”

Adam wants Aaron to growl and and "grab it." And then he counsels him on his song, too.

I have to give Aaron some credit this week. He takes the stage in a turned up collar and swaggers around, growling and giving the song some bluesy energy. But ultimately, it's still just a Star Search kid performance. Aaron is this season's 'lil Idol. Vocally sound, but nothing unique. The Judges like, except Simon, who thought it was "unoriginal" and "karaoke."

Siobhan Magnus, “Suspicious Minds”

Adam wants Siobhan to give the song more "ooomph." Let's hope "ooomph" isn't Siobhanese for "shriek." Siobhan can sing, but the song is sorta a mish-mosh or showy scream-notes and normal singing. The Judges are mixed, and Simon thinks it was "erratic" and "shrieky."

Back from commercial, Ryan mentions that forgotten first season co-host Brian Dunkleman will be hosting part of "Idol Gives Back." But, guffaw, he's only kidding. And in some KFC breakroom, the human trivia note known as Dunkleman shakes his fist at the television ruefully.

Michael Lynche, “In the Ghetto”

Big Mike looks like he mugged Jason Mraz and Elvis Costello on the way to practice, sporting thick-rimmed glasses and a jaunty hat. Big Mike over-emotes the song, and slows it down to a crawl. The Judges, however, liked it.

Katie Stevens, “Baby What Do You Want Me to Do”

Katie practices the song dressed like a Bratz doll, bringing the same amount of raw energy to her performance. Katie takes the stage looking like a Persian cabbie's dashboard threw up on her dress. It's all fake baby-doll attitude, like B.B. King by way of Vanessa Hudgens. The Judges sort laugh through some soft critiques and Simon adds, "I found it loud and kind of annoying."

Casey James, “Lawdy Miss Clawdy”

Holding court in the Land Of The Swaybots, Casey towers above them as Mayor of Bland. It's an OK performance, like all of Casey's lite-Blues bar-band forget-me-yeses. The Judges are all like "meh" and "shrug", but they use actual words.

Now we get to watch "Glee," where young people can actually sing well and be interesting at the same time, a multi-tasking feat lost on Idol's ninth season.

So which two are going home? I'm guessing that Andrew and Katie are Returned To Sender.

Idol Recap :: Abbey Road To Hell

Last week's one hour commercial for "Clash of the Titans" also contained some American Idol eliminations business. Also, Usher sang something and P. Diddy emerged with a troubling third personality. Oh, and the beleaguered Didi Benami was sent packing, while Teflon Tim emerged unscathed. And Sam Worthington looks to be as bored with this season as the rest of us.

Speaking of which, Seacrest brought up Tim Urban’s smiling in the face of criticism, and asked Kara DioGuardi what she thought. “I don’t think he understands what we’re saying,” she said, basically calling him dumb as a stump. I'd feel bad, except, Tim didn’t understand what she was saying.

In other news, Entertainment Weekly confirms that Adam Lambert will serve as guest mentor on the April 13 episode. No doubt imparting his intense and meaningful advice on how to properly apply black nail polish. Who's the next mentor, Show? Ke$ha? Ashley Simpson? The surviving member of Villi Vanilli?

This week, The Lennon-McCartney songbook is back to take a beating. There's a video message from Paul McCartney, who obviously hasn't seen Season Nine's crop of singers. And somewhere, in John Lennon's grave, there's more spinning than three seasons of Lynda Carter's "Wonder Woman."

Also tonight, each individual’s taped package involves getting a character assessment from the other eight. Which are about as insightful as Mario Lopez "reporting" for EXTRA.

Aaron Kelly, “The Long and Winding Road”
All the Idolers joke that Aaron is like Yoda, or something, and it's as non-hilarious as it sounds. The performance? It's all fine and good vocally, I suppose, but in presentation.... boring. Sleepy. Snooze-worthy. Like, tonight Aaron is human Ambien. The Judges are all like "zzzzzzzz" with words.

Katie Stevens, “Let It Be”
Katie's in the pimp chair talking about her 5 prom offers - and it's like a really bad issue of "Betty & Veronica." Hmmm, Aaron was everyone's little brother and Katie is like everyone's little sister, so say the fellow Idolers. The insights I've gleaned here are incomparable. Katie sings "Let It Be", and it's like another dose of Ambien. The judges all think it was awesome and Katie's blossoming. Blossoming like a weed.

Andrew Garcia, “Can’t Buy Me Love”
The Idolers say Andrew is a big goofball and always makes us laugh. Yup, I howled when he sang "Genie In A Bottle" and chuckled all through his "I Heard It Through The Grapevine." That dude is hi-larious. Andrew sings "Can't Buy Me Love." I'm not sure what to make of this; In spots, it almost approaches something that might have been interesting in a parallel universe... but other parts, it's like a bad carnival cruise version. The result? A bit of a muddled mess with a couple of good parts.

Michael Lynche, “Eleanor Rigby”
The huge insights about Big Mike? He's big and snores. Oh, the things we learn. He was also part of a black family band called "The Lynche Mob." Isn't that like Sharon Tate's family forming "The Helter Skleter Goodtime Music Crew"?

Mike sings "Eleanor Rigby." He's telling this melancholy story, but he's pointing and posing like a pimp playa. Imagine Ving Rhames singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider." It's something like that. The arrangement is overwrought. Way too showy and broad for this song. The whole thing is overcooked and left in the oven for a hour. Sidenote: David Cook sang this much better two seasons ago.

The judges are once again grading on a curve, loving it to pieces. Only Simon brings the smelling salts, citing it as "something from a musical" and "over the top." Then Big Mike challenges Simon to a "pecs contests," and suddenly, I have nightmare visions of four man boobs. Also, Big Mike tends to deflect criticism by saying "Look, muscles." Your muscles don't do the singing, asshat. Seriously, I've had enough of the Jolly Black Giant.

Crystal Bowesox, “Come Together”
Crystal has a cold. Every week, there's a new illness this season. What's next on this show, the Black Plague? Or, please, the "28 Days Later" zombie disease? Because then I'd totally be into this season.

Mamasox sings "Come Together" quite nicely, and once again proves she's the only consistently good thing about this season. She switches the song up, but in a way that suits her style. And accompanied by a didgeridoo, no less.

Tim Urban, “All My Loving”
Everyone talks about Tim's frozen Joker perma-grin. It's so endearing. And by endearing, I mean creepy. Tim's not as dumb as he looks, picking another love song so all the tweens swoon and vote-dial on their Hello Kitty phones until their little fingers bleed. The Judges try a new strategy: Tim gets good marks. Conspiracy Theory: decent reviews make voters complacent. Vote For The Worst warns us to keep voting.

Back from commercial. Ryan walks over to audience members David Boreanez and Emily Deschenal to plug "Bones." This season's Lacey Brown - who was first voted off - is sitting right next to Deschenal, but gets no mention whatsoever. You are dead to us, whore.

Casey James, “Jealous Guy”
Casey is alike a soap opera star and has blond, flowing hair, they tell us. The revelations tonight, I tell you. Casey sings "Jealous Guy." In the original, John Lennon made the song a painful but sweet ode to the green eyed monster. Casey's version removes those soft melodies and turns it into something akin to White Lion's "Jealous Guy." It's vocally competent, but misguided. Come to think of it, that kinda describes Casey, too.

Truth time. If you went to a bar, and Casey was singing some of this lite-Blues, you would think it sounded like a pretty good cover band. But the second Casey is trying to hawk his CD in said bar, you'd think, "Well, I'm not buying this stuff." And that's Casey. Good-enough cover song singer, and that's about it.

The Judges all love it to pieces. It's like they all recalibrated their expectations to compensate for this sucky season.

Siobhan Magnus, “Across the Universe”
Everyone reveals that Siobhan is weird. Y'know, for the benefit of those of us without eyes. Siobhan sings "Across The Universe" quite nicely -- although also evokes the extreme theme of narcolepsy tonight. It's sorta puts me to sleep. A theme of this season, actually. I am amused that Siobhan is swathed in the remainder of Bjork's Swan dress. The Judges like, but only sort of.

Lee Dewyze, “Hey Jude”
Lee always thinks he's going home and has apparently started a bromance with Andrew. Crystal gets the line of the night with, "I’m Glad Those Two Can Be Together, Get Married, and Have Lots of Little Danny Gokey Babies." Oh Crystal, I love you a little bit for that, even if you are a flea-bitten, dreadlocked creature that looks like your address reads "under a bridge."

Lee's "Hey Jude" is sorta OK in spots, and a little pitchy (ahem) and off-kilter in other spots. But look: Bagpipes! And just like that, they disappear into the Scottish Mist. Random much? Kara sorta sums it up, "there was some bad moments, but overall, I'm still a fan."

So who's going home? I'm actually guessing Teflon Tim's Song-Massacre Mystery Tour is over.

Idol Recap :: "Soul Sucking"

Last Wednesday's Idol started all comic book cover blurby - with big red letters that read "ANOTHER IDOL MUST FALL." Dramatic much? And why only one? Cuz I would totally back up "Four Idols Must Fall."

This "Crisis of Infinite Idols" began with a group sing of Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go, Go," which managed the nigh impossible task of being even cornier than the original video. It's also auto-tuned within an inch of its life, betraying any notion that this is happening in the now. And the Idolers mouths match the words less than Speed Racer ever did.

Paige gets the lowest votes, and in a move that is simultaneously merciful and insulting, Simon dashes any hope that they will use "The Judge's Save" - before Paige even sings a note. “I don’t want to give you any false hope here," Simon sniffs, "It’s the end.” If only, Simon, We have like 10 weeks to go. Or, as Reality Blurred summarized, "Paige Miles out, but American Idol 9 still sucks."

This week's theme is Soul and R&B. During the week, I had nightmares of Andrew Garcia reimagining Rihanna's "Umbrella." Usher is the guest mentor, taking precious time in between his albums and porn tapes.

Siobhan Magnus "Through The Fire"

Siobhan meets Usher looking like Carol Seaver thrown into a blender and set to "anime." Her rendition of "Through The Fire" is a bit of an uneven mix, all in preparation to deliver yet another “Siobhan Shriek.” The judges didn't much care for it and Simon was like, stop screaming already.

Casey James "Hold On I'm Coming"
Usher describes Casey's voice, saying he has a great tool. Meanwhile, Kara gets the squishees thinking of Casey's tool. Me? I just think Casey is a tool. He sings "Hold On, I'm Coming" with a bluesy authority, but it's still a sort of "really good bar band" performance. The judges like it, because relativity is everything this season.

Michael Lynche "Ready For Love"
You just knew, with R&B week, that Big Mike was gonna sing some song about sweetly sexing up some fine lady, right? Usher tells him to sell it to the back row, and shows him how by date raping the camera. Mike is thankfully less loungey this week, and actually gives a solid lactose-free performance, although it lasts 100 years and a day. The judges like it, and Simon even thinks Mike had a moment. (Really now, Cowell?)

Didi Benami "What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted"
Didi gets mushy during practice sessions with Usher, because the song is meaningful to her. It probably reminds her of her dead friend she mentioned during auditions. Unfortunately, this kills her performance, turning it into a sad, warbly dirge. Apparently, what becomes of the broken hearted, is that they sing badly on nationally televised talent shows. The judges didn't like. Ryan tries to get Didi to tell the "dead friend" story, but she refuses to go there. Props to her for that.

Tim Urban "Sweet Love"
Ryan interviews Tim on the pimp stool, where they talk about how the press has dubbed him "Teflon Tim," due to his staying power and, y'know, marginal talent. Usher encourages Tim to imagine him as a woman he's loved... or something. What? Is Usher now busting moves originated by Season Seven's pick-up artist, Andrew Llyod Weber? Careful, Tim, or you'll end up in Usher's next video. Home video, if you know what I mean.

Tim starts the song sitting pensively on the Idol stairs, as if to say, "take me seriously, bitches." But we can't, as Tim quickly devolves into a cruise ship style performance, with pleading puppy dog eyes. It's rather mild and inoffensive, but also, notsogood. No wonder Vote For The Worst is backing Teflon Timmy. The judges don't like it, and Simon sums up the whole situation by saying, "I don't think it makes any difference whatsoever what we say to you Tim. It was completely an inappropriate song, it was like a mouse picking a fight with an elephant, you're not going to win. But it doesn't matter because you're going to smile, the audience is going to vote for you. Nobody cares, you're going to be here next week, so well done."

Andrew Garcia "Forever"
Thankfully, this week, Andrew doesn't try and reinvent a song by mercilessly massacring it. Nor does he give us a weird Telemundo cover version. Instead, he sings a song actually suited for him. The judges are just grateful he didn't suck. Because, that's enough this season. Simon says it was good, but Andrew runs the risk of being "boring." At this, Andrew's mama emerges from the crowd, having apparently slain a zebra on the way over to the studio, now wearing its skin as a prize. She's delivering a sassy melange of "Oh no you di'int" and "I'm on TV and talking to Simon."

Katie Stevens "Chain of Fools"

Katie taking on Aretha Franklin is like Heidi Montag trying to be like, a super-serious actress and stuff. Which is to say, "Darlin', this shit won't stand." It's basically a big song delivered by a little girl - as Katie struts the stage like a Hooker Muppet.

Lee Dewyze "Treat Her Like A Lady"
Lee talk to Ryan on the pimp stool, all nervous. Lee rehearses with Usher, all nervous. Lee's biggest issue? The dude is nervous. The good news is that he sings "Treat Her Like A Lady" quite well, giving it a rough edge that suits his voice. The judges rightfully like it. Me? I'm hoping for a Dewylsox finale.

Crystal Bowersox "Midnight Train To Georgia"
Crystal drops the guitar in favor of the piano this week. Not her best performance, but against the Redial Idols, it's like Celine Dion pounding her chest at the Oscars. S'all good. Judges like it, but Simon advises her, “Don’t let this competition turn you into something you’re not.” On this show? Hello, irony. Nice to see you again. Thanks for dropping by.

Aaron Kelly "Ain't No Sunshine"
Also memorably sung by Kris Allen last season. Archie 2.0 tackles the song, and while it's ok, it's also rather bland and boring. Put him back in the oven, the boy ain't fully baked yet. EW.com puts it best, "And even though none of the judges could be bothered to mention his name, it needs to be said that when it comes to the Idol stage, “Ain’t No Sunshine” belongs to season 8 champ Kris Allen. And it was not fun to watch a child scribble over his legacy with a magic marker, thank you very much."

So tonight's episode wasn't as horrible as last week, but remained maddeningly middling. It's perhaps a worse offense, as I prefer either "so bad it's entertaining" or "actually good." Le sigh.

So who's going home? I think Teflon Tim might have another week in him, so I'm guessing it's bye-bye to Didi.

Idol Recap :: "The Worst Of All Worlds"

Last Wednesday's results show was a strange cocktail indeed.

First, Season Seven Winner David Cook returned to the Idol stage. He showed these Remedial Idols how to do a Rolling Stone song - with a confident cover of “Jumping Jack Flash."

Next, Orianthi performs, who Ryan introduces - without a whit of irony - as one of music's "newest pioneers." If by pioneer, you mean Taylor Swift wannabe, then, yeah.

Orianthi sings "According To You," which tells the tale of a girl berated by her current boyfriend, while another guy puts her on a pedestal. Sample lyric? "According to you / I’m stupid / I’m useless / I can’t do anything right." By the end of the song, she's still with this neanderthal, while nice guy remains on the hook (just ask Ted Mosby's friends). Throw in a pick-up truck and this woulda been a perfect country song. And the lesson to tween girls everywhere is: Stay in verbally abusive relationships, but complain about them. Bravo, recording industry.

We also meet an entity known only as Ke$ha. I'm irked just typing that pretentious dollar sign; She's even managed to be annoying via punctuation. Her performance? Take a genetic sample of the vapid Sharpay from "High School Musical." Now splice it with the DNA of Pizzazz, evil music rival of Jem and the Holograms. Finally, remove the talent genome. The result is this 'Lil Lady Gaga's "Blah, Blah, Blah," which simultaneously offends television sets, Native Americans and anyone with working eardrums.

Oh, and one of this season's Red Shirts, Lacey Brown, got the lowest votes. She was forced to sing for her life to get the coveted "Judge's Save," still one of the show's cruelest twists. Who are we kidding? They are reserving that for Crystal Bowersox this season. All the others? All those sing-monkeys are missing is a pair of cymbals or an organ grinder. As a result, Lacey's performance is the musical version of Spider's short-lived bar tending gig in Goodfellas. Only with less dignity. She's out.

Tonight's ep begins with another Family Feud style opening. Judges enter and engage in tomfoolery. Simon patronizes Kara. Ryan goes faux-butch on Simon again. Randy, as usual, atrophies in his chair. Rinse, lather, repeat.

This week, the sucktitude of this season is underlined by tonight's guest judge: Miley Cyrus. Who better to give advice than a marginally-talented singer who owes her entire career to a string-pulling father? Well, at least Miley's singing skills are twice as good as her acting skills. And that means everything it implies. "The Best Of Both Worlds," my ass. Taking musical advice from Miley Cyrus is tantamount to soliciting dating tips from Jennifer Aniston. Is The Show officially mocking the contestants now?

The top 11 theme is Billboard #1 Hits. And I'm at least thankful the Idolers aren't choosing from Hannah Montana's Greatest Hits collection. Miley wants people to take her seriously, and goes on to say, nuzzled in her leopard skin chair, "I know that what I think is what my art feels." No, that's not a typo. The girl is either deep or moronic, you decide (hint: she's not deep). She then talks about this season's contestants, "I know how talented they are. I was like, how am I going to go here and tell them what they're doing wrong? I don't see it. I don't see that they're doing anything wrong." That whooshing sound is what's left of Miley's credibility flying out the window.

Suddenly Avril Lavigne as a guest judge - devil horn sweat jacket hoodie and all -seems like Aretha Franklin by comparison.

Lee Dewyze "The Letter"
Lee practices with Miley, dressed like an actor playing a thug on the CW's "Smallville." Talks about his nerves and problems with onstage presence, which has been his main problem. The horns and back-up singers provide a nice complement to Lee's gravely voice. It's a bit of a jazzier, bluesier version, but overall, this works. (Although Lee is still a clumsy performer.) The judges like it, but Ellen uses up what seems like half the show's running time with a dull pen analogy. Simon didn't think it was great, and even was a "little corny," and still wants a "moment" from Lee. I fear Lee is still a few weeks off from a moment. I also fear that this season, asking for a "moment" is a wish you need to make on wee Ryan's Pot o' Gold.

Paige Miles "Against All Odds"
Paige gets the pimp stool this week (they must sorta like her; just wait, Show, just wait). Paige was starstruck over Miley, so we know she's an idiot in addition to being a murderer of Michael Jackson songs. Remember a few weeks ago, when Paige manslaughtered Jackson's "Smile"? Well, that's just a minor misdemeanor compared to what she does to Phil Collins' "Against All Odds." The atrocities she commits.... it's like "The Last House On The Left" set to music. Brutal, yo. Paige's "singing" is thin, warbly, off-key and uneven. I can't tell if her voice is still suffering, or if the girl done plain massacred another song. The judges rightfully hate it, with Ellen mustering up a feeble "you didn't fall down" as the only compliment. And the audience cheers at Paige NOT falling down, because they are dumb asshats. Sadly, it may be the only thing to cheer about tonight.

Tim Urban "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
When Ryan announced that Tim Urban was going to sing Queen, I thought this entire season had to be one big episode of "Punk'd." But he's only singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," which is probably the easiest Queen song to sing. Miley is encouraging Tim to switch it up, and he goes into some weird ragtime version of the song in auditions. Miley's encouraging words "mean a lot" to Tim. Which makes Tim either a liar or a fool.

Tim's version is strictly karaoke, punctuated by some elementary choreography. It's like the Las Vegas Junior High School Musical. Tim slides (literally!) into the Aryan Mosh Pit of Estrogen, where the swaybots give Tim emotional support. They are saving everything else for marriage. The whole thing is vocally so-so and grossly amateur hour. The judges think it was "High School Musical"-ish, but why needlessly insult "High School Musical" like that? Hate the player, not the game, Show. Tim, only your shirtless internet photos on "Vote For The Worst" can save you now.

Aaron Kelly "I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing"
Aaron has a little crush on Miley, and he gets all squishy that Miley liked his audition of "The Climb." Um, is Aaron 16 years old, or 6 years old? He probably has Hannah Montana bedsheets. Aaron is creeping on Miley all through practice sessions. He finally scores a hug and gets his very first semi. Idol does indeed give back.

Aaron is singing Aerosmith's overplayed "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing." Aaron almost considers goin' a little bit country mid-song, then reconsiders. It's OK-ish, but pretty vanilla overall. The judges like it, and like his song choice. Aaron also gets a partial-pass based on the fact that he's sick this week.

Crystal Bowersox "Me and Bobby McGee"
Like Crystal needs Miley's advice. Crystal says she's having "powerful, beautiful women sign her guitar." But then she asks Miley to sign it, too.

Janis Joplin is the perfect artist for Crystal. "It's right in her pocket," as Paula might say between meds. Ironically, in singing a song from the boozy mess that is Janis Joplin, Crystal looks like she's actually combed her hair and changed her dirty granny panties. Oh yeah, it's secret makeover week, where all the Idolers are primped and preened to look Top 10 ready. The performance is, of course, very solid. Judges love. Mamasox is clearly light years ahead of her fellow Idolers.

Michael Lynche "When a Man Loves a Woman"
On the results show, Big Mike seemed nonplussed at the critiques of his performance. He said "my people" enjoyed it. Apparently, he has people now. And while Big Mike is indeed a good singer, it comes with a grande helping of fromage. We get a rendition of "When a Man Loves a Woman" that drips or orange-hued Velveeta. Randy and Ellen like it, but Kara and Simon thought it was a little "loungey."

Andrew Garcia "I Heard it Through the Grapevine"
On meeting Miley, Andrew skillfully describes it as "being cool to meet someone on that level." "Level." Ably dodged, Garcia. You get to leave with your dignity... for the moment.

Oh, sadly, that dignity flits away once Andrew hit the stage. Continuing the painful parade of reinvented songs, Andrew somehow gives "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" a soul-ectomy. All the smooth Motown groove is replaced with a tuneless sing-speak Telemundo version. Watch for this performance on Clippos Magnifico! It's the totally wrong song choice. The judges didn't like it, and Simon agrees with me, noting that Andrew "sucked the soul out of that song [...] and tortured it." Andrew, maybe your dad was right about those custodian keys.

Katie Stevens "Big Girls Don’t Cry"
Katie is singing Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry," the damnably infectious pop song. Katie is a good-ish singer for being 16 years, but girlfriend needs more time to hone her skills. Her performance is full of bum notes and pitch problems. In short, it's a big song for a little girl. The judges mostly think it's an improvement over last week, although Kara does call it "mad pitchy." Okay, now they're just grading on the curve.

Casey James "Power of Love"
Casey meets Miley and tell her he's a huge fan.... of her dad! Ooooh, Snap! As Liz Lemon would say, "spit take!" Casey is singing Huey Lewis' "Power of Love." I think he's made a poor song choice, as this song and arrangement is a departure from his bluesy success last week. This performance is bland-bar-band, and does nothing to impress. The judges shockingly like it, except Simon, who says it was like "an 80s cover band" with "nothing original" about it. Simon is apparently the only judge who hasn't been tainted by the sucktitude of the lesser Top Twelvers.

Didi Benami "You’re No Good"
Didi is one of the Top Twelvers that actually almost gets it... sometimes. We just never know if we are going to get "Good Didi" or "Bad Didi." Will we get nice Didi or Mirror Universe Didi? Bender-Didi or Flexo-Didi? Phoebe-Didi or Ursula-Didi? Samantha-Didi or Serena-Didi? Jamie Summer Didi or Lisa Galloway Didi? Give yourself a cookie if you get all those references.

We get mostly "Good Didi," although it's never anything great. The judges all hate on it, which is rather unfair. There were worse performances tonight - and Didi - although not great - didn't deserve this much venom. Simon even dubs her the "new Lacey." Didi, wear the Red Shirt in good health. Until the alien spores get you, that is.

Siobhan Magnus "Superstition"
Siobhan practices with Miley looking like Violet, Screech's nerdy paramour from "Save By The Bell." Siobhan is apparently a level-12 freak, if you read between the lines of Didi Benami's comments. Or, as Vote For The Worst would say, "You know you're weird when rooming with Crystal Bowersox, who looks like she hasn't had a bath in 6 months and has a family of squirrels living in her hair, is a better option than living with the freakiness that is Siobhan Magnus."

Siobhan struts on stage looking like Crocket's wife, Sheena Easton, from the withering 1987-1988 season of "Miami Vice." It's mostly good, but Siobhan gives us a screech mid-song. Unfortunately, it's more like last season's Gokey-like "Scream On" than an Adam Lambert stylized wail. The judges like (relativity is Siobhan's friend) - but Simon cautions them all to step it up.

Simon's sage words that sum up this entire episode: "it was not a good night." This was, to be blunt, the worst episode in American Idol history, with the worst set of Top Twelvers I think the Show has ever seen.

So who's going home? Damn, I'd send 'em all home except for Lee, Siobhan and Crystal. But if I have to choose only one, I'd have to say I'd lay "Odds" that Paige is gone. So take a look at her now. 'Cuz next week, I expect an empty space.

Idol Recap :: Satisfaction Not A Guarantee

America, this is your Top Twelve. Did someone change the definition of the word "top" when I wasn't looking? Because I still see the likes of Aaron Kelly, Katie Stevens, Paige Mills and Tim Urban. Meanwhile, the quirky and interesting Lilly Scott was criminally eliminated, along with talented but awkward Alex Lambert (who was getting better every week). Alas, those bananas will not ripen on this stage (don't ask, it was an Ellen joke. And when I say "Ellen" and "joke," I do feel like I need to put the word "joke" in quotes).

I fear with all these sad singers, we're in for a boring season (despite Ryan Seacrest's assertions of every season being comprised of the "most talented group ever"). Instead of season five's sublime mix of Chris Daughtry, Elliot Yamin, Katherine McPhee, Madisa, Paris Bennett and Bucky Covington - we get a strange melange of like-quality Idolers such as Matt Rogers, NikkiMcKibbin, John Stevens, Dian DeGarmo, Haley Scarnato and Kristy Lee Cook. Who, you say? Exactly. The musical equivalents of Zima, the Edsel, and Cop Rock. Only less successful.

Part of it stems from a crop of contestants now reared on American Idol. whose first season launched many moons ago, when Brian Dunkleman walked the stage and Justin still texted Kelly (They would now Skype, if Justin could afford such luxuries on a Taco Bell salary). As such, contestants seem to think good singing means ridiculous runs that last 'til Thursday (Hi,Jermaine Sellers). Or that a hipster hat or a tussled hairstyle can imbue you with the musical talents of a Justin Timberlake or Carole King (Hello, Katelyn Epperly). Or "making a song your own" consists of removing all its energy and melody (Hey, Todrick Hall's unrecognizable Bobby Brown-like “Since U Been Gone”). Or that "being a throwback" is great until the Judges decide it's not (Sorry,poor Tyler Grady). Dear Idol, what have you wrought?

In other Idol season shockers, this will be Simon's last season. We've also welcomed the nice but painfully unfunny Ellen as the NuPaula. Meanwhile, Kara has caught something from Paula's toilet seat, creeping on Casey James while blubbering over Big Mike. But some things remain comfortably the same: Randy is still useless. Dawg.

The show begins with a Family Feud inspired opening, introducing the judges. Then the contestants emerge all shiny and new for Top 12 TV. In the immortal words of Richard Dawson, "Let's play the Feud!"

In tonight's two-hour (!) musical massacre, we're treated (?) to songs from the Rolling Stones catalog. Because nothing says "contemporary" better than a bunch of drugged-up preening mummies. Tonight, expect less "Satisfaction" (the Rolling Stones famous rock ballad) and more "Satisfaction" (Justine Bateman's tepid teen opus to girl rockers). Click on that second link. I dare you.

Michael Lynche "Miss You"
"Big Mike" is one of the season's favorites, according to the Judges. I see the appeal, only relative to the rest of these sorry sisters. It's like being the thinnest kid at Fat Camp. Or having the best teeth in all of England.

Michael's background reel reveals family ties and inappropriate use of scarves. Big Mike gives the song a sorta R&B swagger. It's OK, but the performance is a little cheesy. Like, Big Mike may sing at your wedding in a Vegas chapel. The judges like it enough, although Simon thought it was "kind of corny." And yeah, I can't disagree.

Didi Benami "Play With Fire"

Didi Benami is one of those inconsistent Idol contestants. It's sometimes good, and sometimes not so good. Her rendition of "Play With Fire" falls somewhere in the middle. It's a little sharp in spots. Plus, she keeps saying Fi-YUR instead of fire. The judges all like it, even Simon. They call it "dark." Didi says that's due to living in L.A. And watching the entire American Idol season nine on an endless loop.

Casey James "It's All Over Now"
Casey James is the guitar strummer that Kara almost Corey Clarked, before her clearer head prevailed. Now she just creeps on him from afar. Casey was raised by the waitress mom from "True Blood", by all appearances. More family smooshies.

Casey goes full-tilt country blues with this one. It's pretty good, I suppose. Ellen says, "For most women, their hearts are going to start racing just looking at you. But then for people like me... [pause]" And the judges all laugh uproariously because if she said the word "ho-mo-sexual" on this show, the universe would apparently collapse upon itself. Tee-Hee. The judges like, but Simon think "it needs to be more than that." And, I've been saying that about this whole season so far.

Lacey Brown "Ruby Tuesday"
One of this season's Red Shirts, Lacey is not long for this show. In Lacey's clip reel her life changed when she heard someone say, "If you remain shy, you will miss your destiny." Did "Lost"'s Jacob touch her too? Hey Lacey, tell us the meaning of the four-toed statue!

Lacey's version of "Ruby Tuesday" is mildly OK in spots, partly playing to her little girl vocals. Randy thought it was so-so, Ellen gives stage direction, Kara had issues with the notes and Simon thinks she's in danger of doing the same thing every week. Lacey, those weird alien space flowers are preparing their poisonous pollen as we speak.

Andrew Garcia "Gimme Shelter"
Poor Andrew Garcia peaked early - all Leif Garrett like - with his surprisingly fresh spin on Paula Abdul's "Straight Up." The Judges (and viewers) loved it. Since then, that song has hung over each of his subsequent performances like a spectre-bitch. Nothing has measured up. Neither his wrong-headed remake of Christina Aguilera's "Genie In A Bottle", nor his strangely-stripped-down (and for Andrew, ironically-named) "Sugar We're Going Down." I picture Andrew holed up in his room - Norma Desmond style - repeatedly watching his old "Straight Up" performance, as he bitterly recalls that faded glory. Someone stop him before he sings an A cappella version of Miley Cyrus' "Party In The USA."

Clip reel reveals Andrew and his parents' gang-banger past. And when Andrew's dad saw him playing with keys, he thought his son would grow up to be a custodian. That's thinking small. I mean, McDonald's managers have lots of keys, too. Andrew's version of "Gimme Shelter" is OK, but lacks the power of Mick Jagger's original version. Randy didn't like it much. Kara has a good point about it lacking "passion." Simon thought it was OK, and gives Andrew a pass for all the mixed criticism he's received.

Katie Stevens "Wild Horses"
This, instead of Lilly Scott. The kitten, instead of the tiger. Katie's clip reel. She lives in Middlebury Connecticut where she claims "there's not a lot to do" and she is absolutely, totally, beyond "1000% right", as my father would say, damning all mathmatical correctness. Footage of Katie and her brother singing at a wedding. And Randy not there to say, "It was a little pitchy,dawg." Cuz he woulda been right.

Katie sings the song technically fine. She hits a glory note at the end that may keep her in the running. It's actually a good song for her. The judges mostly like, even Simon.

Tim Urban "Under My Thumb"
It's like American Idol's version of Justin Bieber - but with less talent. I will pause as that dark thought swirls around in your head. The joke will be on me when Tim Urban sings the first note of "We Are The World" version 3.0 in the year 2035. And that future will be worse than the entirety of "Terminator: Salvation."

We get a UB-40 version of "Under My Thumb" by Tim. It's a weird choice, and it mighta been sold by a Jason Mraz. But owning a version like this -- it's a little out of Tim's league. The judges didn't like it, but they applauded Tim's try at originality. Simon sums it up, "It just didn't work." Tim, only your "Tiger Beat" looks will save you now.

Siobhan Magnus "Paint It Black"
Siobhan Magnus - despite possessing a name that sound like she should be battling the X-Men - tends to surprise. Especially in this lackluster season.

Siobhan gives a classic, solid, early-season Idol performance. It starts slow. It builds. She hits a crazy note (and doesn't quite hit it but "shhh"). Ends somber. The camera swings around with 360 spin. The rocker lights flash and blink as if to say, "this rocks, bitches." The judges like. Kara is hyp-no-tized by the rocker lights into thinking it was Adam Lambert level. Simon thinks it's the best of the night. I tend to agree. But this season, it's not saying much.

Lee Dewyze: “Beast of Burden”

Lee has the potential to be a dark horse in this competition. He's definitely got the commercially-viable voice. It's just everything else he's lacking. Like, confidence, consistency and stage presence.

Lee gives us a cool-guitar slowed down version of "Beast of Burden." Of all the performances, I think it's the most contemporary and relevant song interpretation. It's like something Rob Thomas or even Rascal Flatts might do with the song. His vocals need a little fine tuning, but the overall gestalt of the thing works. Lee might actually be the guy to back this season. The judges like it, but Simon thinks Lee needs "a moment" and asserts Lee is a great singer. I think he'll get that moment at some point.

Paige Miles: “Honky Tonk Women”

Paige Mills somehow escaped criminal charges from last week's brutal massacre of Michael Jackson's "Smile". Investigations are ongoing. The good news, this week, is that Paige proves she can actually sing. She gives the song a bit of a bluesy edge, with a touch of smoke in her voice. Overall, it works. The judges mostly like (especially since Paige has laryngitis).

Aaron Kelly: “Angie”

Or, as I like to call him, David Archuleta 2.0. Aaron essentially took the Alex Lambert chair, which is a shame because Alex had more overall potential. Aaron sings the boring "Angie" well enough, as the Swaybots wave their arms in uniform approval. It was a good song choice for Aaron, and the judges all like it.

Crystal Bowersox: “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”
Crystal is the clear frontrunner in this (very) little race. And while technically good, I can't shake the feeling that we've seen and heard many wannabes in her same league. She's like one of those very, very good singers you see in a blues club. She's also showed up all "fully baked", which can sometimes be the kiss of death on this show. Case in point: The bespeckled Danny Gokey, who flatlined while he got overconfident. And kids, the lesson is: Don't be a douche like Danny Gokey.

Crystal takes the stage confidently, with guitar in hand. It all sounds good and right. Crystal knows exactly how to work the song, changing it up when needed and riffing with conviction. As Ellen mentions, "it's effortless." And Simon mentions she's the "clear favorite", although "Siobhan did her one better," Simon sniffs.

Crystal is wearing a Lily Scott memorial feather earring in her hair, and I have to love her a little for that. Also, I think Simon may be backing Crystal, but unleashing a little psychological warfare. After, you know, last season's entire pimping of Adam Lambert resulted in a massive upset.

So who's going home?

Katie and Tim are two of the weakest, but the tweens kept them in this far. I'm gonna guess that Paige won't have much to "Smile" about.

Idol Recap :: Allenized

8:01: The two-hour extrava-meh begins with Ryan introducing us to the two finalists, Kris Allen and Adam Lampert. They just returned from 1999, where they apparently raided the closets of the Backstreet Boys.

8:03: Judges introductions: Randy looks like he just auditioned for the role of "Shoe Shine guy #2" in "Newsies"; Kara is sporting her power-diva earrings; Paula is looking more and more like a Bratz doll; And Simon still hasn't figured out the purpose of buttons on shirts.

8:07: Fame-succubus Micalah Gordon is in Conway, Arkansas (Kris' hometown). Stay away, Angelina Jolie, lest Micalah lock you in her basement and feed on you for months!

8:08: Carly Smithson is in San Diego (Adam's hometown). She's representin' cuz she's also from San Diego.

8:08: Top 13 sing Pink's "So What". Look! There's what's-his-name and blond girl - and Spanish guy! They are all dressed in white, with slight variations. If this was an episode of the "Twilight Zone", you'd think it was heaven until (twist!) -- it's revealed as hell! It's more or less a hot mess with everyone cavorting about having their own mini-concert. Except poor Scott has no idea where to look, so he chooses "vaguely upward". The "Brady Six" style choreography is mostly ignored. They look like the cast of the new FOX show, Shovin' Buddies (video here).

8:14: David Cook sings his new song, "Permanent", a tribute to his brother (who just died of cancer).

8:19: The ridiculous "Golden Idol Awards". Look! It's all those horrible guys from auditions you already forgot about! And Normund Gentle (who you just almost forgot about).

8:26: Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah. "They are black. They are women. They sing. Let's pair them together," thinks Show.

8:33: Anoop and Alexis Grace with the awesome Jason Mraz. Soon joined by the rest of the Idols. Maaaaaan, why didn't they pair Kris Allen with Mr. A to Z?

8:36: Kris Allen's story. You only need a few highlight words: Humble. Dark Horse. Creative. Likable.

8:37: Kris Allen and Keith Urban sing "Kiss A Girl." The song is written from the POV of a twelve year old, but the guys sing it well. They have some good energy together.

8:44: Girl Power Sing-a-Long, "Glamorous Life". Megan Joy sings off tune. The girls sway in emotional unison like Stepford Idols. Fergie joins them for some "Big Girls Don't Cry," that damn infectious song (not that I've ever left it on the radio... much). Then it's the whole Black Eyed Peas. Related Trivia: Fergie used to star in the Idol-esque music show, Kids Incorporated, not that I ever watched it.... much.

8:51: More "Golden Idol Awards". Bikini Girl. Alexis Cohen 2.0. Random blond girl. Bikini Girl wins - and accepts the award donned in a bikini - with some new fun bags as well. Then she sings and Judge Kara joins her (disproving Bikini Girl's criticism of Kara earlier in the season). The they sway and hug - and Kara rips her dress open to reveal a bikini! "It's all for charity," they tell us. This, undoubtedly, is what Susan B. Anthony fought for right after that whole suffrage thing.

9:00: Allison and Cyndi Lauper sing "Time After Time" (one of the best pop songs, like, ever, so respect!) It's actually a bad vocal fit for Allison's low growl, but Cyndi is awesome. They manage to harmonize nicely so all is forgiven. PS with a bit of "wow, this song is that old": This song was released 6 years before Allison was born.

9:04: Kris' parents being adorable and gracious.

9:05: Adam's family, nervous.

9:05: Danny Gokey singing "Hello." It's ok but it doesn't hold a candle to David Cook's version which I love muchly. Then Lionel Ritchie enters and sings a duet with Danny Gokey of an unknown and utterly horrible song. Then Lionel and Danny sing "All Night Long." (a nod to the duration of this results show, perhaps?) Danny does his bad white-boy dance. One gets the feeling than Danny is operating under the delusion that he can dance. Self-awareness is your friend, Gokey.

9:15: Adam Lampert story. The Show tells us he was born in a manger and died for our sins. No, wait, that's Jesus Christ. After this season, you understand their confusion. You only need a few highlight words: Unique. Star. Incredible.

9:16: Adam sings "Beth" looking like a the evil mirror universe version of David Bowie from "Labyrinth." Then Adam introduces Kiss and joins them for a medley of songs. In the context of Kiss, and singing with them, it all works. Even Adam's occasional shriek. Then Kiss almost break a hip smashing a guitar.

9:26: Carlos Santana sings with Matt Giraud. Soon, all the Guy Idols join in. Then the girl Idols. They are all wearing black and red, like they practice the Santeria.

9:29: Kris and Adam in a final Ford music video. It's a "clip show" with all the music videos past. Kris and Adam are harmonizing well. Then there's the obligatory "the finalists get a Ford" segment, where they pretend to a) be surprised and B) want a Ford.

9:31: Steve Martin in a bizarre music segment with Megan Joy and Michael Sarver. Hello, fast-forward button! I'm glad you could join me this evening.

9:37: Guy's Sing-a-Long to "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy". Rather toothless, all things said and done. Rod Stewart joins them - looking, singing, and swaying old.

9:44: Last "Golden Idol Award" Bad female singers from auditions we already forgot about. And Tatiana, who we all want to forget about.

9:52: Kris and Adam singing "We Are The Champions". Then... what's left of Queen (?) joins them. They sound good and look like they are having fun. Didja know Adam and Kris were roommates at Idol house? They both seem like nice guys and it's cool to see them supporting each other and having a good time up there moments before the final results.

10:00: Seacrest was right. We are running into overtime. Simon has some nice words to say, "I don't normally mean this, but I thought you were both brilliant [...], incredibly nice people and [...] the future is all yours."

The results: The winner of American Idol 2009 is... Kris Allen.

Yes, Kris Allen.

That sound you just heard was the space-time continuum collapsing upon itself. Kris looks absolutely shocked. Speechless. (like the judges, I'm sure). Adam looks happy for him. Cut to Kris' family crying. Cut back to Kris Allen in a complete state of shock, and manages "Are you freakin' serious?" and "Adam deserves this. I don't even know what to feel right now. This is crazy."

Crazy indeed. Awesome crazy.

10:03: EVERYONE is giving Kris a standing ovation except Simon, who is sulking. "wah!" Douche.

10:05: Kris wonders if it was better to lose when he once again is forced to sing "No Boundaries." He sings it better than last night, I think. The other idols join him. Confetti rains.

Wow, a pretty crazy season overall. Who ever thought Kris Allen would take it all? Adam Lampert will undoubtedly get a record deal as well (and that's great for his fans, too), but... well, wow. Kris has been the Little Engine That Could all season long. Good for him.

Until next year, Idolers....

Idol Recap :: Two Boys, Three Songs, No Boundaries

Last week, justice was served by a diminutive frosted-tipped reality tv show host. Yes, for everyone who thought at least one American Idol finalist would be adorned in a flashy pair of Lens Crafters... well, nope. That's right, peeps, Kris Allen made it to the finals while America put the "Go" in Gokey. (Insert "suck it" yell here) I still can't decide if Gokey is mostly churchy and just a little bit douchey, or mostly douchely and just a little bit churchy. Perhaps I'm splitting hairs?

My first "spoiler alert" moment on the Wednesday results show, though, was in watching the hometown package reels. Gokey's was surprisingly light on the whole "dead wife" tragedy, except for Gokes' one comment about the "triumph from tragedy" story that was his. Instead, Gokes hung out with his best friend that The Show kicked to the curb earlier in the season. About as heart-string pulling as a "Bosom Buddies" TV reunion show. Meanwhile, Kris Allen gets tender momentTM hug with his pops that lasted 100 years and a two days (sidebar: "awww."). This caused his mother to get emotional and for Kris to whisper "Don't cry momma..." Your can't script that, folks. That shit is butter.

So I sez to myself, "Hmmmm", I betcha Kris mighta pulled this off. And soonish, it was bye-bye Gokes.

But now back to the cold, cruel reality. The Show has already made a pact with the devil to ensure Adam's victory (Call Dr. Saperstein for the tannis root, Rosemary...) . I can't recall the last time a contestant was pimped so hard. And, although there's five great ways to pimp a contestant, I do believe The Show has discovered at least a dozen more this season.

Adam "Mad World"
Adam's life retrospective: he screamed as a baby (and apparently never stopped?) Adam is reprising "Mad World", the Gary Jules/Michael Andrews version popularized by the Donnie Darko . It's a copy of a cover song, but "shhh", we don't take the lord Adam's name in vein. There's smoke and blue lights, like a Broadway musical of Jack The Ripper. Sort of "Glam-tom of the Opera." It's one of Adam's better performances, because there's no screeching and screaming. It might actually be better than his first performance of this song.

The judges love it to death, with Simon calling it "a little Phantom Of The Opera." (hee) To that, Randy yells this very important (?) distinction, "No! No! Twilight!" Because singing teenage vampires would skew higher than disfigured emoting introverts, one presumes?

Kris "Ain't No Sunshine"
Kris gives his mom "singing coupons" so she can listen to him sing whenever she wants. The Allens are so getting their own show on ABC Family at some point. They make the Waltons look like a den of crack whores. Kris is singing "Ain't No Sunshine," which was the exact moment in this season where everyone starting taking note of him. Excepts the judges, on account of their supreme asshatery (I would totally lose at Scrabble). Much like Adam, I think this performance is possibly even better than the first time out. Simon applauds with a face that says, "ma, do I have to?"

The judges toss around words like "best performances ever" and "you have a way of creating an intimate bond with everyone in the audience" and "unique way of Allenizing [...] every song you sing." Simon even admits he wasn't sure if America got it right last week but he "takes it all back after that performance." Soooo, where was all this Kris love all season long? Supreme Asshatery.

Adam "Change Is Gonna Come"
Simon Fuller's choice for Adam. It's a bluesy kind of song by Sam Cooke, which is something Adam would probably never choose for himself. If you can't cut yourself to it, it's a' no good, see? As for the performance: In the part where it's controlled, it's good. Really nice, as a matter of fact. But towards the end, Adam can't help but anally rape the song with some shriek-singing. Change is not only gonna come, it's going to bleed rectally.

Judges are passing the crack pipe and throwing out stuff like "best performance of the season" and "best I've ever heard you sing" and "with every fiber of my being I know you are going to be iconic." Did the meaning of the word "iconic" change when I wasn't looking? Also: Maybe I need to make an appointment with the ear and throat doctor, cuz I ain't hearing what they's hearing.

Kris "What's Going On"
Simon Fuller's choice for Kris. Kris gives it a quiet acoustic vibe. It's Kris Allen: Unplugged. It starts off a little low on energy, then completely comes live. It's original, it's cool, and it's contemporary. It's an all around a great performance, totally downloadable.

Randy liked it mostly. Kara liked it, and, is it just me, or is she judging like a sassy black neighbor from a 70s sit-com tonight? It's all head weaving and finger pointing, child. Mmm-hmm. Paula liked it. Simon thought it was "too laid back" and just seemed like "three guys sitting in a room strumming a guitar." And, why is that bad exactly? Does everything have to be a glamstravaganza?

Adam "No Boundaries"
The treacly triumph-victory song, written by Kara. There's talk of "climbing mountains" and "just when you almost gave up on your dreams." There's probably also some "running" involved, as often is the case in these songs. And liberal use of the word "heart." Am I listening to White Lion circa 1989? Anyhoo, it's typical Adam. The guys can sing, no doubt, but there's the theatrics of his sing acting, his trembling bottom lip and his screeching. He only makes it to mid-screech at least. But he gets the pimp rocker lights.

Randy declares it "a'ight". Kara thanks Adam for singing her song that she wrote with Wilona, Jackeé and Florence. Mmm-hmmm. Paula is a "fan forever" (stalker alert!). Simon refuses to judge the song (hee) and calls Adam "one of the best and most original contestants" and believes they've "found a worldwide star." Please tell me which world you are refering to, please and thank you. Interesting that only Randy judged the actual performance.

Kris "No Boundaries"
We get to hear Kara's song again. Maybe Kris should have gone first after all. Kris does an ok job with it, but it's not his type of song since it's one of those pre-packaged pop ballads. It's made for belters, not crooners. There's some nice moments, but the performance isn't something that will blow you (or the judges) away. Adam's voice has the definite edge with this song. Conspiracy theorists: do we need to discuss anymore?

The judges know the song's pitch was too high for Kris. The judges, though, do have a lot of nice things to say about Kris, and all agree he deserves his spot in the final two. But... They all "congratulate" Kris as if he's already lost.

Kris mentions that he and Adam agreed they "weren't competing, they just came out to give a good show tonight." They really seem to be pals, and that's cool.

Seacrest cautions everyone to program their dvrs to go over, just in case, cuz two full hours might not be enough time for the second half of the season finale. Dear Show: "Citizen Kane" was under two hours. Just some cultural perspective to chew on.

So who's gonna win? Well, the judges, The Show, and Katy Perry's Elvis jacket say Adam Lampert, and who am I to anger the gods (and the King's raiment)?